Tuesday

my oddity, my Ray, has done it again. with words printed on a screen, he's made me feel his love, like no one else ever has ... it is a heady, humbling, incredible feeling to know he loves me as I love him.

WHEN BIRDS SINGS

Hundreds of days without her
but yet i smile quietly as never before
with memories filling like weekends
Her lips so full
never leave me empty
but always begging for more
The days approach endlessly
when rivers cross
and we meet on the other side
This is when the lights will shine
when sun and moon converge
bringing two hearts together
Always in my arms
it's where i want her to be
never letting go, never far away
This was always a dream
a slice of heaven
and soon she will arrive
I'll be waiting
with my heart in my hand
and love in her eyes
I smile quietly, happily
we've come a long way
and this is where we will meet
As winter grows into spring
when birds sing the most
together we'll stand in sunshine

Friday

I'm glad I'm not defined by my illness or my body's wierdnesses. I'm glad I tried, hard, to not be defineable at all. I remember that Capt A told me that I was 'unpigeonholeable'. I like that.

I don't know if I'm still like that, but I'm not usual. I'm not run of the mill. Why be like everyone else? You are a compilation of experiences so unique to you that no one will ever be like you - and so, you are unique.

I like that while the mental and emotional freakouts are gone, I still have this tenuous attachment to reality. I like that I feel so deeply that sometimes it feels like a storm, violent and chaotic, whether that feeling is anger or hatred or love or sadness or desire or just joy. I wonder what I'll be like during the menopausal period.

I like going grey. I wish it would be a tad faster - I admire my co-worker's full head of grey hair, so pretty. On the other hand, while I can say I hate my hair, it IS pretty cool, curling and full and dark with light patches. I look much better in long hair (really; but short hair is so much more convenient in winter....)

I like my body. I can say it here, I hope: I am so freaking glad that I don't gain weight all that easily. I love the slim lines - and yes, age is putting sag and fat into places I'm not accustomed to seeing like that, but that's the way it is.

I dislike the pain I feel almost constantly but I also feel this is me, living. This is my experiences and physical proof of my life; the good and the bad, the activity and the injuries. My hips hurt all the time, sitting is REALLY painful, I walk far too much and my upper back and shoulders and neck are feeling the effects of forceful meetings with cars and wrestling with my friends. My knees, THANKFULLY, do not bother me. My lower back, while occasionally fretful, is doing well. I wish my digestion weren't so freaky, but eh. Small price to pay to remain slender, at least in my opinion. :)

off to work. more to come.

Wednesday

There's alot of stories out now, about dealing and living with bipoloar syndrome, and schizophrenia. When it first hits most people, it is like the bottom falls out of what you know is real, and this yawning abyss beckons, calls to you, drags you down.

I've never been severely either way; while I do get depressed (more like dramatically stressed) I haven't WANTED to take my life since my youngest was born. I did have the whole post partum blues though - that's kinda normal. What I have been is insanely manic - while not diagnosed, I'm pretty much poster Adult ADD. I think it's a fun ride, personally.

However, while I've never really suffered some of the really terrible things featured in books, I do have this: I hear voices. They don't always make sense. I see things. I've learned to distinguish. I get the wierd thoughts, like ghost insects that bite me constantly, or the sense that things are moving in the dark and they touch me. The world can get a little wierd for people without the dramatic manifestations of schizophrenia but who are still clinically so.

Last night I could feel the fire on and under my skin, and the bubbles in the water from washing my hands were myriads of eyes watching me, telling me things. The feel of the toothbrush in my mouth was intense; the toothpaste shocking and overwhelmingly mint and sharp. How horrifying could this be to someone who's experiencing this for the first time, or realizing that this is the underlying noise of the life they've led? It is not easily understood.

I've had this all my life, as far as I know. I don't have lots of memories of my childhood, but I do remember the weird things, the slowing down of time, the echo factor, the voices, the wierd beliefs, the odd physical sensations - cloth on my skin was sometimes unbearable, and even today I dont' like anything snug around my actual waist - the wall crawling and the wierd things happening, and the ease in which I was taken advantage of - because I didn't live in the world everyone else did. I lived somewhere else.

So I'm brushing my teeth last night, dispassionately cataloging the sensations and impressions my wierdly wired brain was giving me, knowing that the bubbles were only bubbles but still seeing them watch me and talk to me. Theyw ere alive, and I was reminded of Lovecraftian novels - the reading of which to my incredibly suggestible mind might not have been the best thing to do - and chuckled to myself, wondering if it was mad Azathoth - but no, he's blind..

and just like that, it turned off, as I turned off the lights, and returned to my computer to finish chatting with my beau. As I got older, it was easier to engage the madness without causing it to collapse my reality.

It wasn't that easy when I was younger, but at least, I never lost complete connection. I am very lucky that it is so mild with me. I've had my moments, really bad, but today I can at least identify the manic moments, and work out the bad times and episodes, and laugh at the madness inside.

But schizophrenia and all the other mental illnesses - these aren't laughing matters. I believe that many more people experience the milder forms, and take it in stride, but it may just be that instead of an illness, it is something we have to learn to live with as a societal whole. I don't think it will get better; I suspect future generations of the human race are in for a wierd, bumpy ride.

Friday

My pet rhinocerous beetle is on Ugly Overload!!! I went to tell him, but methinks he was less than interested.. LOL

Dawn from my room. The horizon looks as if it's on fire, red and orange and yellows blending into the various spectra of blue. It's beautiful. I'll miss this vista. I get the rising sun right into my window, and it shines on my bed. Awesomeness.

Day before got violent winds around 4:15am. I like the dual feeling of being exposed and sheltered from the storms in this room, back room with two walls to the outside, two windows too.

Missing my RayZor. Missing my kids too, and my grandkid, who turns 9 in little over a week. I also wish I could see my mom and dad. But it would involve returning to NY - and that stops my heart cold. I don't wanna go back there.

Snow is tentatively forecast for this weekend. I want to see Ray so bad. It's also Shadowland Lancaster, and I don't want the weather to affect attendance - it's the one year anniversary of being at Lizard Lounge.

Oh, I so wish I lived already in Lancaster. I could be hanging with Gypsy and gaming with Guy; I could be goofing with Grace, or Lori and I could be talking over tea and being silly. I could be cooking at Thorne's or drinking and carousing with Christie or Lizard; I could be reading in a coffee shop or coming home from work to see Ray, or wake up in the morning next to him (not often - but still more than now!). I could be working, perhaps two jobs though that's a stretch, and experiencing newness on my own. I still need to find a situation for my Michelle, though ideally, she would be with me (and omg, my heaven would be complete).

Tuesday

Every time I see RayZOR's name my heart skips a beat. How pathetic is that??? It doesn't matter if it is totally unrelated to me - or even if it's unrelated to him!!! Sheesh!

I'm going to miss my job when I move. The biggest thing: Knowing Everything, or as close to knowing everything as I can get. I love knowing how to use all the programs, to get all of it working for me/my customer/client, to know where to look for information or to give an educated guess based on prior and related knowledge. I love learning new things because then I can give that information on to customers.

Im so going to miss that!!! I hope that I can find a job that is like that in Lancaster.

Saturday

so pissy as I was 'cause I am not going to see Ray this weekend, I decided I'll see if Suzanne is about. She was, and so she picked me up from home and we went off to her house. On the way, we were singing a female version of a beegees song, and we went to hug (she's very affectionate). The wheel turned just a little and we hit a parked car, and totally fucked up Langston's right front. Needless to say, I feel awful 'cause if she had not picked me up or if I had just held off on the hugging, it wouldn't have happened. She needs affection - lots of it. Bendito sea, I felt so bad about it.

I didn't panic - not even worry, really, 'cause we didn't hurt ourselves. But she had just gotten Langston out of the shop that day on the same kind of injury.

We ended up parting ways after the two hours from accident to final towing, and I walked home from Madison between Elm Terrace and Roosevelt to where I live. I'm amazed at my sense of direction - I know exactly where to go even in the dark (and EVERYTHING looks strange in the dark!!!) No fear, no worries - and I'm proud that I can do that, and aware that as the years encroach, that sort of behavior will become riskier...

I learned a very valuable lesson in paying attention to the road and not being distracted. I wish it hadn't happened to Suzanne, though; she's had so much happen to her. :(

Wednesday

Another friend in Lancaster offered me a roommate position possibly opening in a couple of months. OMG to be in lancaster that soon?

But I would like to have my dog with me.

Missing Ray is like physical pain; I want to be there near him. I dont want to move in with him yet - there's so much readjustment I have to make and he has to be willing to make for that to happen. But I want to be where I can see him when I want to - not to mention being able to hang with friends more of my mindset and freedom, and going to do things and see places closer to me as a pedestrian...

Ooooooooo the wait! the wait!!! ah well. second job starts Friday... who needs sleep? Really?

Tuesday

You know, every day, shit happens. What makes a difference isn't that shit happens, but how you deal with it.

Sometimes I get depressed. most of it is chemical - in other words, no real reason behind it. Though I must say that there are very good reasons, in my life, to be depressed. It's just not worth it.

What I do get is Manic; however, I can and have been working around it - and at least, lately, I've not let it send me into a spiral of self-destruction.

I feel very vividly. Some things trigger a hatred in me so profound I could kill. The only other thing that makes me feel like killing is jealousy. I'm proud to say that I've managed to talk myself out of the worse of that!

I'm going to sound like Oddity now. 2007 I graduated and found out about Shadowland Lancaster. I went a couple of times but since I can't drive, didn't have with whom to ride. I didn't know enough of the kinds of people who liked this stuff.

Then I became closer with someone that others told me wasn't so great. She turned out to be abso-perfect-fabulous. I consider her a best friend. We enjoyed SL. Then when she couldn't go, I got lucky and Temptation offered to take me to SL.

It was at this point that I realized my feelings for Capt A were fading. How? Why? I suspect that once I returned to what I loved - dancing and cavorting - that what I had with him couldn't last.

It was there that I saw someone as if from my past - mohawked and outrageous, this young man was reticent yet the center of attention. At one point he asked how I had so much energy. I tend to brag about my age and then he told me he was.. two years older than I.

I didn't know it then, but that was the first wall that came down in my heart. The rest was more subtle. The conversation about 'One More Time' by The Cure - a song I treasured - and he loves The Cure. The fact that he didn't shy away from being so noticeable, despite his shyness. He seemed so vulnerable, so sweet and fierce.

It was easy to be around him. And yet, I wanted to protect him. The night I wanted to kiss him and didn't, I knew I was doomed.

Breaking up with Captn A was horrible. I had fully fixed a future with this wonderful man, and now I was destroying it with hurtful words: I don't love you anymore. It was terrible. I was doing the hurting, me.

The day I kissed Oddity, I knew that there was no going back. I had found the other part of me. It felt and still feels so right. I was whole and where I belonged, when I was next to him. My heart lived in his chest, and his in mine. AND HE FREELY ADMITTED IT.

I was floored by his reactions. He loved me. I was his world, too. I am his world. And it doesn't feel like a dream anymore. It's real. We have had our fights, our disagreeemnts; he can be petulantly stubborn and I am a yeller. I an very calm yet when I blow up, I blow up. I cry easily, but ... so does he. And for someone who hasn't been in such an intimate relationship for so long, it isn't easy to connect in the way we are connecting.

I am moving heaven and earth to be near him. I've lots to overcome - lack of driving, lack of organization, a terrible tendency to packratedness, and a host of other sins that need to be quietly addressed.

Even when I'm so angry at him I could hit him (I am regrettably violentminded) I want to touch him softly and caress him and watch his eyes change.

I always saw his eyes. They were proud and scared, strong and soft, fierce and shy, inquisitive and bold. I loved his smile and moreso what was behind that smile. I love to hear him laugh. I love to hear him talk. I love to watch him move, walk, drive, interact, be silly. Sometimes I get hit by random memories of him or of his scent, or I hear his voice, and I can feel my knees get weak and my heart go nuts.

I wonder sometimes how it will be later down the line of our years. There are so many challenges yet we have to face. I hope we're up to it. I would like my last sight on this earth be his face, lined, aged, crotchety, but mine. My love, my heart, my soul.

Monday

I turned 45 sunday. It was a beautiful day. I walked around with friends, and laid in Oddity's arms.

I belong to his world. He belongs in mine. He found this song (and of course it is added to the Canon of Oddity):

Falling by Informatik

Standing there without a care so far away from home
Found myself you don't know where that I was not alone
all my dream did not prepare for what was soon to come
standing there without a care that's when you came along

you're in my arms you don't even know me
I don't know you I want you to show me
I don't need to know where this is going
I'm falling I'm falling I'm falling for you.2x

Let us make a good getaway so we might be alone
Getting late no time to waste there's so much to explore
Something rare is in the air too real to be ignored
Its as though the hands of fate have brought you to my world

you're in my arms you don't even know me
I don't know you I want you to show me
I don't need to know where this is going
I'm falling I'm falling I'm falling for you.2x

We lose ourselves
We shed our clothes
We share our fears
We bear our souls 2x

With the sun the time has come for now you have to go
Not quite sure what I should say I stumble with the words
As I watch you turn away and walk on out the door
In my heart I hope and pray one day there will be more

you're in my arms you don't even know me
I don't know you I want you to show me
I don't need to know where this is going
I'm falling I'm falling I'm falling for you.2x
It is/was a gorgeous day outside. And I stayed in. I didn't even go to work.

I'm manic. my head and eyes hurt because I can't seem to stay still and my eyes are darting left and right and I'm trying to finish whatever I started and I CANT even focus.

Not even trying to write this.

This is what happens when I have to interact too much with people. Thorne's party, then Shadowland, then game... stress with Ray and his moodiness and people - just too much people. I love the silence of my home and the company of my dog and my new bug. I'm frantic and I can't stop.

everything racing and I've got that stupid time-extend thing going on where everything I think of or hear or do is repeated in slo-mo and everything is superfast and then slows down so much it's like watching stop-start photography frame by frame.

and I'm not hungry but I want to eat and eat and eat and eat. I did that over the weekend aready and got really sick and in alot of pain. damn damn damn damn.

trapped and stuck and dont' want to be depressed and both cold and hot and scared. I hate this. I hate it!!!

I can't seem to see - like it's too dark and I can't focus well. I want to turn on the lights but I'm scared to get a worse headache

Thursday

I dream of your scent
I hear your voice when there's no one there.
I want to breath the same air you breath
in the same space
at the same time.

Tuesday

I love the sound of his voice, his touch, the way he smells. I love the way he dresses, his jokes, his lopsided smile. I love the way his eyes look, in sunlight and when shadowed. I love to watch him sleep and I love love love waking him.

He wrote this:

love is the bite that steals your heart
eating you alive from the inside out
beating like a drum
beating like a drum
your voice whispers me to sleep
curled against your soft warm body
dancing in heaven
dancing in clouds
i see all beauty through your eyes
i see your beauty through mine
like a sunset caress
you are my sunrise
i was lost and then i was found
running towards nothing then into you
you are my angel
you are my princess
my heart is here for you
forever you are my love

Sunday

We all have our boogeymen. I'm pretty convinced of this. It is something that consistently haunted us as kids. Many people don't remember it. Some write stories about it. Just now I read a blog that collects scary real paranormal events. and this person wrote about his thing - a 'harlequin', which is in and of itself scary as shit. It also sounds like an alien.

There are things that our philosophy or cognitive abilities simply cannot make room for. our minds, for sanity, must be fixed in a defined reality space. But not all of us are.

I am a survivor of child sexual molestation. Sex was the one consistent threat/thread for as long as I can remember. My boogeyman, the Grey Man, exuded this evil, malignant sexual thing - lechery, rape, horror, filth - it's really more than that. I was TERRIFIED of this thing, and it haunted my dreams for years.

Dreams to me are other worlds you visit. At least, that's how my mind set it up. So most of my dreams are travels, adventures, destinations. Most of the time they are extremely enjoyable, even if sometimes scary. During high hormonal stages in my life (puberty, pregnancy, pre-menopausal) I have very vivid, sexually charged and often bloody dreams. My last vivid encounter with the Grey Man was as a teen - somewhere between 14 and 17 - and it was on the 'rail' between dreamworlds. I accidently got off the 'train' in a grey world. It was frighteningly dead. Everything was grey concrete and steel. It was cold, and a miasma of 'ick' pervaded the air. And then the Grey Man appeared. He wore all grey (hence the name, right?), dark grey, with a fedora that hid his face. but you could see his eyes and they were an icy, horrifying grey. He was menacingly emaciated, but not hunched over. He wore grey gloves. and the visual and visceral impact was of a lecherous sexual desire. It scared the bejeezus out of me and I ran.

I got back on the train after hiding at the station, evading him. the next stop I saw him in the car behind and got off, ran inside. This world had sunshine and birds and bushs heavy with berries. It also had a younger guy - who's name I can't recall right now but not a real person - who realized I was scared and started to talk to me. I think the age difference was of 2 years. At some point, talk became kissing, and then kissing became sex. In the act, the grey man's face appeared at the window, emanating hate and frustration and an intent to hurt me. hurt me bad. The boy was also afraid, and we held on to whatever we were doing. Then I woke up.

The closest I came to feeling that sort of fear awake was reading a comic book - The Maxx - where a character, describing a rape, says, "He.. did ... THINGS... to me...."

Dear goddess, reading that now still puts me back in that room, looking up at the Grey Man, and KNOWING what he wanted. And that it would hurt, and that it would change me forever.

I wouldn't even buy anything grey to keep this thing from following me around. Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was a result of my unfortunate experiences that this creature came to be.

I still don't have such a strong grip on reality. I can feel it sometimes fading away from me. But, I think that I've come to terms with my sexual nature and the Grey Man isn't around. I still have fun or scary vivid dreams. I can still even have very gory dreams. I am still scared of conformity; I love living where green predominates (the city was too grey!) But there is no colorless, lecherous evil thing glaring at me from below the brim of a grey fedora, with hands encased in cold grey leather, waiting for the moment my guard is down, to destroy me.

Wednesday

oh my goddess I love that man. what will it be like though, when we cohabit?

should I apply for a lower paying, less hours job that I might actually enjoy (power tools, interaction with customers, on my feet instead of at a desk) to move to Lancaster, or should I wait out the holiday season and just get shit ready to move to Lancaster after April of 2010? I can bear that, so long as I can pay off any outstanding bills now. But the prospect of working where I am now for another holiday season is truly filling me with anxiety. The pressure and the overwhelming amount of work!

The facts of the matter are that it would behoove me to stick it out here until after January, to work on getting rid of any outstanding debt as well as the massive amounts of CRAP I have, and to save money. I also have to arrange for my dog to find a place to live - or find a place I can have my dog with me. I have to be sure I can go to a lower paying job and still have enough to survive on. I have to make sure I plan the whole food/clothe/space thing carefully too, 'cause I don't want to be a bother to anyone....

wow. too much.

Thursday

I had written something - a expletive-laden rant - about my son, but it got lost. (Edit: it didn't get lost. how freaking wierd this damn night is getting...)

I can't talk to anyone about this. Really, who? How can I cry on someone's shoulder about the life my son, who is 23, is leading? After all that I did to my poor mother, how can I even justify asking for understanding or help in dealing with this?

My daughters will manage - they will survive - they are strong, bold, silly and something indefineable that my son doesn't have. My son is like his father - buying into the whole excuse for getting high. I hate it. I don't understand the appeal of getting high. I DID get high - I just .. it's such a waste of time. It's much more fun to dance, or read, or walk... I'd rather eat crow and sit with my family than get high because I have nothing else to do. I don't understand the mentality.

Even my eldest has found another way to cope. And my youngest girl is WAY too much like me. So what's wrong with my son? He wants to train for martial arts, but he has no concept or no ability to fixate on discipline and avoid what harms him. I don't understand.

And I don't know if he's just doing this to hurt me, retaliation for his inability to accept that I'm no longer responsible for his choices.

I gotta stop crying about this. I spoke to him an hour ago and I'm still sobbing. Who cares to hear this crap? He's 23, I should let him make his bed. But he's MY SON!!! I can't stop loving or wanting to fix my son!

And I feel horrible that I may have made my mother feel the same way about me.
every time I talk to my son I feel broken. I don't understand the fucking appeal of being high. it's so wasteful; you could be doing so much more. so you don't have money. READ. You can't stand being at home? Walk. lots. go t grandmas. oh wait; you fucked that up, with your cocky stupid mouth talking all that shit, blind to the facts kicking you in the head. right.

you're not getting anywhere high. your little bullshit well if I can't train then I have nothing and so since I have nothing I get high - omg how fucking stupid is that? I didn't raise a fucking drug addict - but your dad did, and look where he's at. a loser. you can ask me for money and know that somehow I'll get it to you; but you can't depend on your dad. yet you follow his footsteps, listen to his shit, and do exactly what he does, spout off about shit you know nothing about.

I hate talking to him. I feel depressed and I can't think straight. I cry all night worried about my son, who doesn't fucking worry about me or what his actions do to me.

Oh my daughters can survive. They are practically carbon copies of me, complete with indominable wills and crazy ass drive. They can do anything. Why can't my son????

Tuesday

a ver, raro, que no entenderas ni te enteraras de este puesto. Tentacion me manda saludos y besos por la luna; tu te enojas porque te mando un im. Un oso verde me dara masajes y piropos y tu te molestas porque te pido un favor. Y que paso con el tratar de oirme cuando te hablo? ya veo que como cualquier otro hombre, es solo la caza que te interesa. nunca vas a entender porque le tengo tanto desprecio al hombre, pero tu mismo demuestras el porque.

no eres malo, solo decepcionado por solo. me siento triste, pero por ti solo tengo pena. no puedo cambiar el que te ame - porque te amo, raro, te adoro. pero eres estupido en lo que no entiendes.

Entiendo muy bien que el hombre desprecia lo que tiene por sentido. no me cojas de meno; no me menosprecie. como puedo ayudarte a entender?

Monday

I'm so freaking tired of being cold all the time. One of the possible reasons is iron deficiency anemia, but I get a bad reaction every time I take an iron pill. I don't think it's iron - anyway, all the blood tests are negative for anemia.

Somewhere I read that everyone has a layer of fat under their skin. I don't seem to have it - you can clearly see my veins and in my extremities you can even see the bone structure - and it's ridiculously easy for me to show muscle. I don't have a way to make a change in that - most of the weight I might gain is all in my stomach and that's an unhealthy weight gain and it STILL doesn't keep me warm!

I'm also tired of being in pain. I've got arthritis and the cold exacerbates it. Staying still also makes it worse. I'm much happier when I'm moving. No one can experience the pain others feel, so no one understands the kind of pain I live with, in my shoulders, my back, my hips, my ankles, fingers and neck. Yet I can dance, and dance for long periods of time, because I do have high endurance.

I live summers and survive winters. It's a shame 'cause autumn and winter are lovely seasons. The worse stretch is January-April - just the worse in everything. Sigh. That's my whining for the day.
It definitely hasn't been easy or smooth with Oddity and I. He doesn't think some things through and can get worked up over things that don't require that sort of reaction. Yet he reminds me of how I flake out or go apeshit over things like taxes or the company my kids keep and I refuse to mingle with.

I feel he is unconsciously protesting the loss of 'freedom' or solitude he's enjoyed for the past 8 years. Suddenly he's got a girlfriend and he wasn't aware of all that could entail, or forgot all that it requires. You get older, you get more set in your ways, and when you're not exposed to the kind of world I came from, well, you find it hard to deal with.

But what to do? While I want to live with him, I DON'T want to live with him - it will be terrible if he can't cope with it. He's flexed a bit (more than he would have done otherwise) but still, it takes a lot to be with someone like me. Meanwhile, I can take ALOT and understand where it came from, but I do not like being the only one who does that.

I miss him when I'm not there. I like doing things for him. even when he gets pissy and riled up about something that didnt need that reaction. I believe I can cope with it, deal with it, work with it. I certainly know no one else would put up with it.

There were many times I wanted to just walk out, or pack my shit and leave, because he gets upset over something that with a little thought, or a little faith, can be worked out. I, however, really do not like when he questions us being a couple because we have differences.

Differences can enrich a relationship. Am I being a doormat because I don't see any reason for me to make him change? Why must I change? I can tolerate; why can't he tolerate? What he needs is a good lesson in letting things go and flow.

I also do not like when he snaps at me, or responds in less than a positive way. Perhaps I shoudl be used to it as my family does it all the time, but I dont like it. I don't do it. I dont want it done to me.

This is why I don't ask for help. I do not like help given grudgingly, as if it is a chore, a hassle, to provide assistance. I'll walk, thank you; I don't need anyone to pick me up and complain because it shortens your time and you have to rush. I won't come by; I'd rather be pissy by myself and pine than hear how he had all this stuff to do and he's rushed and never time for anything, obliquely blaming me. Yea, I don't have time for that crap.

Not to mention it poisons you more than it poisons me, and it poisons the time we have together. LET IT GO. Just coast.

That's my rant for the day. I miss him even with all that. sigh.

Wednesday

missing oddity. depressed over son and youngest daughter. wishing for new job, move to be near oddity - or car.. driver's license would be nice. Want to see oddity so very much. wish had more money to send my son what he needs, despite the doubts - heroin is so ugly but what if he's not addicted? and the youngest, where are you and when can you get it together?

you know what's the worse thing about love? the freaking pain.
"I cannot live,
I cannot breathe
unless you do this with me"
Angels And Airwaves, The Adventure

And he texted me last night: the week is too long without you.

I'm working my way to you, pa.

Monday

Forever: Oddity
Pale skin hidden from the sun
Sunken eyes beneath her veil
Wrapped in the dark of my night
Following the shadow of the moon
The scent of her arouses me
Biting the lip of ruby red lipstick
She trembles inside my black cape
Knowing that i’ll be there forever
A white gown streaked in blood
Her arms wrapped inside of mine
This lust is a beautiful romance
From sunrise until sunset we live
Waiting for the night to call to us
Watching the moon until forever

Forever: me
Inhale your scent, my knees go weak
I want to breath you in
I want to feel you with every inch of my skin
forever

Catch sight of you, there goes my breath
I want to always see you
Color my world, make it complete
forever

I want to care for you
tender and sweet
By your side
forever

Your voice, like a shock to my system
makes my heart race
and I turn to you like a flower
bask in your light
forever

And when I'm in your arms,
Oh, love
It feels like forever.

Friday

So lately I changed my diet. Had to. I couldn't eat at a diner or fast food place without serious belly trouble, and lots of other icky things were happening.

I have lactose intolerance but that came in my late 20s. However, I was never a person to be able to gain weight and always, ALWAYS had stomach troubles. So I started reading up on recent stuff about malnutrition (everyone thought I had anemia, I was supposedly allergic to tons of foodstuff...) and while reading (I keep an informal food diary because of the problems) I found out about fructose intolerance. Now, I stopped drinking anything with high fructose corn syrup several years ago because I found it triggered the bad belly things (Think Irritable Bowel Syndrome). According to the information I read about fructose intolerance, natural juices can trigger it too - like apple juice, which was a staple in my diet because I don't drink carbonated or sugary stuff. Well, whadyaknow... I stopped drinking apple juice (apples contain more fructose than glucose and that triggers the symptoms associated with intolerance) and NO MORE BLOATED BELLY/FARTING/ALL THE ICKY STUFF!

Now, I had also cut down severely on orange juice because it also made my bowels feel unhappy. I keep track of everything I drink now, and I drink LOTS of water and unsweetened tea (I stopped liking sugar a while back and now I see why).

As for foods, well, I went from eating EVERYTHING to being very very picky on what I eat - I never wanted to be 'that' person, the one who couldn't share in what everyone else ate and had fussy and exacting requirements. Now I know why.

I don't experience the bad belly times anymore. I still love pizza with sausage and pepperonis (omg do I love pepperoni) but I know that once is enough, or else I suffer. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE hot wings, but once a week, or else I spend too much time sitting on the bowl in pain. (yes, I know, TMI, but you HAVE to understand why.)

Workdays, my eating plan is: a handful of tater tots (love them), two runny fried eggs (and no salmonella!) and three to four strips of bacon, and some cheese - either cheddar (which doesn't trigger the lactose thing, I don't know why) or colby jack (mmmmmmmmmmmm). I drink NuVim along with that (delicious stuff and good for you). Later in the day, it's a small bottle of Dannon vanilla drinkable yogurt with all that probiotic stuff (it's been one HELL of a asset!) along with a lactose pill, as THAT does trigger the intolerance. Lunch, if I am planning ahead, is usually greens with spinach, carrots, pepperoni slices (I'll fit them in somehow!) or chicken slices, nuts (small amount) and water. I'll snack on something before that or after that, but that's the only snack I'll allow myself and usually it's one of those oatmeal sandwich cookies... gooey and icky and so delightful.

Dinner is usually another probiotic yogurt (right now it's YoPlus 'cause OMG its so creammmmmmmy!) and some form of meat and vegetable. And lots of water or tea. And I drink hot tea throughout the day ('cause my office is FUCKING FREEZING!).

And so far, I've staved off the horrible belly things. On the weekends, if I drink, well, it upsets the whole shebang, but it's only for the weekend. And I get to eat hot wings.....

Moderation I think is key. I don't have to absolutely eliminate fructose or lactose from my diet, but I do have to monitor intake and balance it out. Most wisdom also states that red meat every day is not a good thing. It isn't, really. So I'm trying to work out to have red meat less and more fish, chicken and pork at dinner. And so long as I can also control my daily stress - I got the hours I want to work and now I find my best sleeping hours are 12-7, which work out perfect for me - and I am studying and working and walking every day - working out has to be worked back into my schedule - and am dancing or at least moving alot throughout the weekend - I think I can keep myself from the uglies of digestion and stress and possibly even grow old with only half of what my mom has to go through.

Here's to hoping.

Thursday

Home by The Endparty (song posted by Oddity 7/29/09 on myspace)

take these nights bereft of comfort,
take these thoughts that leave me restless
give me everything you are,
show me worlds unknown to me

(CHORUS)for how can I resist, when every part of you
feels like home to me (2x)

bring this solitute to an end
I will carry you to paradise
we can have all we desire
all of this was shown to me

(CHORUS)

When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?

Take these fears that lie within
cast them out and bring ascension
you are the soul that I have lost
and all of this you've shown to me

(CHORUS)

When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
The distance by Oddity 7/29/09

whispers in the wind
meant only for you

these days grow old
the nights are tired
but just like the sun
we rise and we fall
reading our words
hoping to hear a voice
memories carry us
new adventures await
each day passes
we grow closer together
even when we are apart
dreams can come true
i see you in the distance
never far from sight
hoping the next sunrise
brings you closer to me
smiles are like sunshine
you brighten my world
distance can't change that
we are never apart
you are inside my heart
hear my whispers
i am waiting for you
this is my dream

Forever by Oddity 7/29/09
Pale skin hidden from the sun
Sunken eyes beneath her veil
Wrapped in the dark of my night
Following the shadow of the moon
The scent of her arouses me
Biting the lip of ruby red lipstick
She trembles inside my black cape
Knowing that i’ll be there forever
A white gown streaked in blood
Her arms wrapped inside of mine
This lust is a beautiful romance
From sunrise until sunset we live
Waiting for the night to call to us
Watching the moon until forever

Tuesday

Hear that sound? You can't? I can. Every time I think about my son and what he's going through, the demons he fights because of his genetic heritage, I can hear the keening of my soul in despair. Every time I realize that my eldest may never be free of taking medication because of my genes, I can hear it. Every time I hear my baby daughter over the phone and know exactly what she is struggling with and she does not even know how to acknowledge it, it fills my head with agony.

What will become of my granddaughter? and what if my other children give me grandchildren - will they also fall victim to their parents' genetic weaknesses? I can't say it's unfair, but it hurts so bad.
Sometimes its nice to be crazy. That is, I live in a world no one else experiences. Sometimes it's a bit frightening - after all, seeing and hearing things that aren't there combined with being unable to identify everyday things as normal and the occasional paranoid delusion can be downright unsettling. But it's not as frequent as before, and I can recognize it for what it is.

Last night I read two brief stories based on the Cthluthlu mythos and for most of the time spent trying to go to sleep, the shadows in my room kept on making gibbering noises and appearing squamous and ghastly. I knew what it was so I ignored it and finally went to sleep without any nightmares. It was last night that I appreciated that only I can see that - it's a product of a mind not fully rooted, whether chemically or physiologically - in everyone else's reality and it was rather fun, for once.

Truth to tell, I don't know if it IS crazy, or just that this is the way I see/experience the world. I'm pretty sure no one experiences it quite the same way, but there may be overlaps that people dismiss. I'm the first to admit I've quite an active imagination and am unable to turn it off at will. For today, it is fun.

Wednesday

It's kind of frightening to see things that aren't there. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens alot more than I tell people. It's usually peripheral vision or glances where I catch things moving or just there and when I look back, it's not there or there's no movement. I know what it is; it's just misinterpretation of the visual field context in my brain. It doesn't help that I have one of those impressionable and highly fertile minds....

Under stress or high emotion, or when I've not been able to sleep/rest/eat right, I see these disturbances more. I try very hard to keep within the parameters of what will prevent me from those types of things, along with the manic/panic episodes and the whole 'hearing voices' thing.

People simply do not realize how much stress any kind of interaction is on me. Even talking to my own kids can be overly taxing. Hanging out with friends, while enjoyable, engenders panic for some reason and extended contact tends to trigger all the wierd stuff I try to avoid.

There's a reason I loved books and dancing by myself. :) I know some of the reasons for the triggers: for instance, I love to roleplay, but I was given a set of ethos that work is the most important thing to do and such forms of relaxation are unacceptable. Yet, I can't bear working ALL THE TIME; it also triggers all the bad stuff. The conflict is handled by meditation and analysis of why it bothers me one way or the other, and working out soem sort of balance while reconciling the underlying causation. Letting go and giving up - just internal mechanisms to deal with the conflicts - are tools I use alot.

But I have to be by myself, and it is very hard on me to interact socially for any length of time. So when I withdraw, please respect my need for personal space and inner harmony; I really hate seeing things move and hearing things just outside my actual perception, and I abhor my manic/panic episodes (very destructive).

Tuesday

Life is beautiful. Hey, shit happens. Into every garden, snow and rain and hail must fall. Things die and new life come forth, based on the fertile ground littered with the dead.

My children are grown. I can't believe all that time has passed. And yet, there are and will always be my children, my babies. I spoke to my son today (I can't stay angry at my kids) and found he is still ... well, he has transformer figures and G.I.Joe figures and creates combat scenarios (I did similar with my dolls for many years - yes, combat. I didn't play dressup! I was a MERC!) My mother thinks he's trying to relive his childhood....

My youngest is learning things slowly, but she is learning. My eldest is marvelous. My granddaughter is still trapped by my parents' fanaticism, but we all had to go through that, and the challenge is to emerge stronger from such an experience.

I am still looking for work. Classwork is HARD; it requires more work and thinking and time and energy than I expect to be able to produce good work. I have to reevaluate my time spending and see what I can do to focus on remaining..

ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIST, which is keeping your GPA at 3.96 or above. I hope I don't flub it with this semester - OMG is legal research tough!

I am still working; just not in the city I want to be in. All that is an upward climb and I don't kid myself; it's going to be rough. It will also be worth it. I'll be selfsufficient, finally, and somewhere I feel I belong.

I am going to be with Oddity. That alone makes my insides quiver with joy. We are going to be together on vacation - A VACATION!!!! avemaria, so long I've not had one, and with someone I love??? it is frightening how completely thrown I am by this whole thing. I can't believe it's happening!

Life is sweet, but I see others not have it like that. I wish I could tell them to just be open to life, even the harsh, painful parts. Let it flow through and let it become a stronger you. Do not dwell (well, mourn a bit, then move on).

I have Oddity. It's real. We can work to make it last the test of time. I can do this.

I am happy.

Wednesday

No one has ever engaged so fully in being in a relationship with me as has Oddity. Pictures, the funny names we call ourselves, the sheer imagination and creativity he displays and not only shares with me but has me be a part of.

There's always so much I want to write when I finally get to this site that I completely forget when I make the time to sit and actually WRITE. It's rather frustrating.

I've not been giving the proper form of attention to my classwork as I should have; I am not going to get the super grades I want if I don't focus and apply myself - nor am I going to be learning anything and this is something I need. Part of it is not having Saturdays to focus and study but... I'm not giving up my only day to be with Oddity.

I really like getting up at 7am even when I sleep at 12... I think the idea of 12-7 sleep or 11pm to 6am would be the best sleep time for me. Plus, working at let's say 10am and leaving work at 6pm would work for me. It would be the perfect balance; though I could live with 9 to 5. Yes, it would be ideal. I like getting up when the sun is clearing the horizon and pouring into my bedroom window.

As we know, that's just wishful thinking. But if only....

Applying for other jobs. The idea, hopefully it will work, is that if I do get hired for something, I stay either with Oddity or a choice of a couple of other friends for the length, at most, of 3 months till I can get a small apartment. Going through the regular channels, I'll never be able to afford an apartment. I'm hoping that my rather really good luck will work out...

I set up a driver's test for aug 8 - now if oddity is working that day, I can move it back a few. Whatever it takes.

I've got a new camera - and it's blue. yes, I purchased it 'cause it's blue and was on sale. I hope I don't lose this one! I don't remember what happened to my first camera and I lost my second one somewhere between the Lettie G and home.

My daughter is back in college for her BA in Social work.... I'm so proud of her! She, like me, will have to take remedial algebra (Gods, I HATE math) but at least she's on her way. She gives me hope for the other two.

I've not heard from my son, who as of June 21 turned 23. I did not wish him a happy birthday, as two days prior to his birthday he was the inappropriately gleeful caller that informed me that my youngest had been kicked out of my parents' home and why.

And I've not heard recently from her; I want her with me but she's not mature enough to do what is right; and I may have to accept that she needs to go through the hard knocks of life to see that what her mama says is good and true. (sob) I'm so worried about her!

My granddaughter got great grades in school and she and my eldest are coming down for Capt. A's summer party. I really hate coming up to NY so this is pleasant.

Friday

oh goddess i'm heartsick. please send my baby girl back to me.

I don't care what she's done. don't let her disappear.
O M G.

My youngest slept with the husband of a friend of hers and her sister's.. and that cowardly bastard told his wife (whom I consider another of my daughters, honestly) and that created a confrontation IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS' home in Brooklyn.

My son gleefully called to let me know that my youngest had been thrown out of the house. My mother refuses to talk to anyone in her grief and shame. My eldest won't have anything to do with her. I haven't spoken to my dad yet. My brother is stunned by it all. I can't even imagine what my sister in laws think of all this.

But.. can't anyone see she's crying out for attention? I want her with me again. I know she's trouble; I know it's like pressing a viper to my bosom. BUT SHE'S MY CHILD!!! SHE'S MY BABY! And her behavior is MY fault, for abandoning her.

I can't even begin to react. I just want to hold her and let her know though she totally and royally fucked up, she's still my child and I still love her. Yes, I'm horrified at what she did, but in my family, really, who HASN'T done what my youngest did? From my mom to my daughters, we ALL crossed that line. So why are they coming down so hard on my baby????

I wish they had listened to me and left her in the residential facility. But my parents have never listened to me. This is the fruit of THEIR hubris. Now if only I could take my youngest back, and pray that she could learn from her mistakes. :(

Thursday

missing my kids but I really don't want to go to ny to see them. worried about my son very much. his speech is slurred and he doesn't realize it and i feel I know why - because of both the schizophrenia and the drug experimentation he's doing.

i'm worried for my youngest too, but funny I think she'll pull out better - yet she's so in danger being a female....

the eldest is wearing herself thin - she fell the other day, flat on her face, and I know that when we get tired, both mentally and physically and emotionally, we become uncoordinated and unfocused. I hope she takes a break.

I haven't heard from my granddaughter and this distance is killing me when it comes to her. I also worry for my parents' health and sanity. I wish at least one of my kids would either get lucky or just leave the area and grow somewhere else..

I am looking for new jobs and have started erasing my non-work presence online. I fear the mayhem and the madness that will come from trying to change my life yet again.

I dont' want to leave my dog!!! I want her with ME!!! but I dont want to settle for something substandard and/or dangerous either.

I am pretty sure having me closer is going to be more stressful on Oddity. I'm very certain of this fact, truth to tell. It will take another long period of time for him to be comfortable with that proximity. There will be issues. C'est la vie; what can a person do but accept? He is the way he is, and life shaped him that way. I am thankful that I can be accommodating, because ONE of us has to be!
Got two pairs of boots I like. one for dancing (professionally) so that i can wear them for the steamwerks ball, and one for regular stuff and perhaps dancing - they actually FIT me.

spent too much money. have to go into total scrooge mode for the next month to have money to spend at vacation w/Ray and his mom and to pay his mom back. I NEED to have at least $300 by July 9th.

but I want to get blue gauze or whatever that material is to make bloomers for my steamwerk outfit, blue bloomers and blue matching sleeves, and I have to get Lindsay to return the corset. I may have to make a tube top of blue too if I can't get that back....
and I need a pattern for the bloomers.

Wednesday

Esta manana, despues de dejar tiempo para la sinopsis fermentar en mi mente, pude terminar de ver "El Orfanato" dirijido por Guillermo Del Toro.

Que pelicula fanstastica. Es un deleite oir el accento espagnole - como hablan y enuncian las palabras, ajenas y familiares.

Ahora puedo verlo todo por completo, sin devolver en llantos de miedo y terror. Soy una cobarde con las peliculas de horror.

This morning, after giving the synopsis time to ferment in my mind, I finished watching "The Orphanage", directed by Guillermo Del Toro.

What a wonderful movie! It's a delight to hear the spanish accent - how the words are enunciated and spoken, both unknown and familiar vocabulary.

Now I could watch it again, complete, without falling apart in terror. I'm such a coward about horror movies.

Saturday

I tried to watch The Orphanage Friday. It's a Spanish horror flick and I love anything done in Spanish, especially old Spanish cinema style. I, however, do NOT watch horror flicks or even read horror books, as I am far too impressionable and susceptible to suggestion.

Seriously. The atmospheric intensity of the movie, coupled with being alone at home (yes, full daylight and my dog was sitting next to me with no concern) threw me into hysterics during one scene so bad that I turned it off, called Capt A and freaked out. Crying and shaking. The works. Everything in the house was suddenly ominous. The hallway was suspect; the books in the bookcase across from the door in Capt A's room was a sinister, dangerous, foreboding presence.

Tried again with people in the house (simply could NOT watch alone anymore. I started to shake instantly) and hit another scene that threw me back into silent hysterics and trying to pause it, I totally lost the window.

That was okay. I ended up reading the synopsis of the movie on wikipedia; and so I will do so with any movie, as I've always done. I thought going into watching this movie without any previous information would show me why everyone flips out by knowing plot before watching or reading. Sorry. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS if I'm going to watch a movie like this. or you will have a totally hysterical shrieking me on your hands.

I still want to watch the movie through; but now I won't be so afraid as I know what will happen. It is VERY VERY VERY well done, by the way, and the story is pretty damn awesome.

But never again will I try to see a movie, especially something labeled horror, without knowing exactly what will happen. Just not built for that sort of suspense.

Wednesday

Wednesday, June 03, 2009
THE little GIRL
Once upon a time in a city of rust, there was a baby girl born inside an abandoned building. So many years ago the sunshine kissed the windows. Now streams of light poked through broken glass while she cried. Born with an unwanted cross placed on her back at such a young age, the weight was too heavy. An eager heart felt the burden too. Life passes by so quickly, and what once was home was abandoned. Sunshine comes only once a week but she dances in the rain every day. Her feet hurt while she dances to song after song as she winces in pain. One by one, the boys try to save her. One by one they fall away from her. Like the lone tree she noticed once in a blue moon in the city that never sleeps, she also felt alone. One day the sky fell while she slept. her ground kissed the sky that filled with all of her tears. A rusted heart could feel no more pouring rain but sunshine pointed her to a city of dreams. Through a wooden covered bridge and lush green trees all around, new hope replaced all of her emptiness. Looking back into the mirror of life the little girl was reborn. Her smile made her face even more pretty than it ever was before. For she felt and knew in her heart. One day there will be a little boy who won't fall away.

Tuesday

I am a lucky woman. For all that I have had happen to me, I have a nice face, a good body, lack of serious health concerns, good job skills, so I'm always employable, adaptable, well-read, have a wonderful boyfriend currently, and I'm aging well. I've few prejudices and lots of understanding.

I don't remember all these things; the blessings of my life, the things for which I am and should always be grateful for. The things that I can smile about.

So some days I am less than lucid; I feel like I struggle through molasses and unable to motivate; but lately I am forcing my way through it, because letting it defeat me, even for a day, is a luxury I should have never allowed to happen.

Other days I'm sharp and clear, and can see/hear/understand for miles. I treasure those days.

Saturday

Is it wrong to be proud of the fact that I can't really gain weight? That I can be as cut as I want to just by working out a little harder everyday (doesn't take much)? That I do have a pleasant face and good body for approaching 45, and that I can move as much as I do despite the injuries I've had? And that I don't age much - my genetic heritage is to be younger than my years. I'm proud of these things, but sometimes it feels so wrong. Not everyone's as lucky as I am in these points - but they are more self confident, perhaps, or they are lucid thinkers (I'm clear thinking about 10 days a month...) or can handle their finances (I certainly can't) and have more success in their lives - house, kids under control, car, job.....

sometimes I look at myself and see the goofy, slightly out of shape, saggy woman with poor mental acuity 75% of the time and no luck in the 'grown-up' world; sometimes I catch myself in wonder at the cute/elegant woman in the mirror with a clear perspective and acceptance of her life and satisfaction with what she does possess.

I just have to remember it's only chemical...

Thursday

olive skin next to rosy hue
your breath defines my world


yea. i'm obsessed. it has its highs and its lows. I have to be so very careful of my emotions; they veer wildly out of control with little provocation.

all i want to do lately is write about him. sheesh.

I live in his skin
his heart beats in my chest
analyzing my anxiety attack on tuesday, and part of it was the unfortunate price I pay for obsession. not much I can really do about it once it has taken hold; i have to nip it in the bud early for it not to trigger an episode like tuesday.

that with the rain and cold (I HATE the cold; no one understands how much it actually physically hurts - my skin hurts, my bones hurt, my joints hurt, everything hurts when I'm cold) plus having two papers due that I had barely really worked on - and the overwhelming desire NOT to face work - all those factors played into Tuesday's episode.

I drank about a full glass of rum to calm down; I did not get drunk, which is improbable as a shot makes me tipsy. my metabolism must have been overclocking; I was also constantly eating and could not feed myself enough. I could not stay still and when I did it was a maelstorm of noise and pain and emotion.

yea, don't want it happening again. could have been the food i ate over the weekend, too; which would mean that my body's extremely sensitive and THAT, my friends, is total fuckedupedness.

Tuesday

you know you have a problem when:

You can't stay still.
Your heart is racing.
You're paranoid
the door scares you.
you are shaking and cold and it is hot
your skin crawls
you want to scream and cry and there's no reason why
You're afraid to tell your boyfriend you think you're going insane
you can't focus on a goddamned thing
you fear losing your job whether you go in or not
-- because you're manic
I am manic. I am scared. I can't calm down. My fingers and toes are cold
and I'm wearing clothes and socks. My skin is crawling and I want to scream and cry and throw things. I'm not angry. I'm just fucking insane.

I walked out of my house to go to work and ran back home. I couldn't close the door fast enough.

I keep on retyping everything 'cause I make mistakes every other word.

I can't keep a full thought in my head.

Nothing is making sense. Except this. I hope this helps.

I dont' want to go through this any more!!!
He wrote the following to me as an email last night, 5/25/09, 10:27PM

"our weekend: As i saw you wave from the bus i could feel my eyes become tear filled. I turned the corner onto prince street and i cried a little. Selfishly, i wanted to give you a ride home. I wanted you to stay over. I have so many memories again of you this weekend. You are so nice and positive and fun. And patient with me. I know you would do anything for me. I feel the same way. I love when you wave from the window when i leave for work. It's like something from a TV show. I need to learn to go with the flow better. And be more positive. I am trying, i'm not used to it. I know it affects you more than you let on probably. This was the longest we have spent together, i think. I realize even more that i like you around. I miss you when you are not. I don't say it as much as you. it hurts a little to say it. I want you to be safe and happy. Everything you are doing pleases me and impresses me. Back to school, learning to drive, your job searching. I do like all the little things you do for me. I know you are trying to relieve my stress and workload. I thank you for everything you do. i love you so much. Sometimes i don't feel we have enough time. I look forward to the time we can see each other whenever we want to. I love you, princess."

I love him more than words can say.

Friday

CRY OF THE LONELY WOLF, by Oddity 5/22/09

THE DAWNING OF A NEW SUNRISE
AN ADVENTURE OF LOVE ENSUES
THE PURSUIT OF BEAST AND PREY
FRIGHTENED, SHE RUNS AWAY
BUT NO HARM WOULD EVER COME
SHE LOOKED INTO LONELY EYES
AND SADNESS FILLED HER HEART
THIS ODD PAIRING BECAME ONE
INTO AN ADVENTURE OF NEW DAYS
RUNNING LIKE NEVER BEFORE
UNTIL DUSK PULLED THEM APART
AND SHE HATED TO PART WAYS
SUNSET TURNS INTO DARKNESS
HE SNARLS AS HE LETS HER GO
SHE COULD HEAR HIM FOR MILES
THE HOWLING AT THE MOON
WAITING FOR HER TO RETURN
THE CRY OF THE LONELY WOLF

Thursday

So i'm eating breakfast at CFR, a few blocks down from where I live. I am reading on American Constitutional Law. Someone wearing a carryout courier teeshirt, dark blue (it was blue so I noticed it) walked behind me to get to the kitchen area (I was seated at the counter). The smell of pot hit me full on - and yes, I do have nostalgic memories of pot, even though I think it's a colossal waste of time and money unless you medically need it.

I didn't identify the source until the guy walked past me back out the door. It was strong. I was disgusted, because this is the courier delivery guy for the restaurant or for the restaurant supplier!

He walked back in, and now that I could id him, I looked at his face. Yep, classic morning high; the flushed face, the dumb look, the almost glassy eyes, and he sounded stupid. How could anyone in their right mind let him drive???? much less represent the restaurant or, if he was bringing supplies to the restaurant, the company providing the supplies?

Tuesday

More Poetry from Oddity about us.

With You
YOUR SMILE IS MY SUNLIGHT
WITH YOU I AM EVERYTHING
INSIDE YOU IS MY HEART
TO REMIND YOU OF OUR LOVE
WHAT ONCE WAS A DREAM
IS REAL BECAUSE OF YOU
WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE
I SAVOR ALL OF OUR MOMENTS
OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER
WITH YOU I NEVER FEEL WEAK
ONE DAY WE’LL BE TOGETHER
ALWAYS AND NEVER APART
AS LONG AS THERE ARE STARS
WE CAN DREAM AND HAVE HOPE
WHEN I SEE YOUR BRIGHT SMILE
LIKE A FLOWER THAT BLOSSOMS
TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE
WITH YOU I’LL ALWAYS BE HAPPY


KISS ME kiss me KISS ME
One boot in the past
i was a loner, it's who i was
Never missed a heartbeat
hurdling every obstacle
Who was this vicious creature?
one edge of the RayZOR
The strange path chosen
one nobody dared to follow
I've heard the forked tongues
met every single challenge
I've flown the bluest skies
and i've tasted all the rain
One boot into the future
my hand against her heart
Feeling love all around me
grasping every second
I am who i thought i was
the sharpest RayZORs edge
I would choose the same path
one even dad could be proud of
I look into her pretty eyes
and i see my other half
Our boots standing in the rain
we'll find the most blue sky
With smiles and holding hands
and sunshine on our hearts
We have found the Cure so
KISS ME kiss me KISS ME


Mentioning our anniversary weekend, he said: "I am very lucky and happy. It's hard to believe i have found someone who thinks like i do, but differently. Who accepts me no matter what. Who cares about me like nobody else has. We are a pair." He's also said I'm 'near perfect' for him. I have to document this stuff. I can't believe it's happening to me. It's like a dream come true!!!


I.
Therefore and two heartbeats made with truth
Doth speaketh the lovers with thine lips
Raiseth bright eyes unto heavenly skies
Brighter than sun woven with passion
Does her love craveth unbridled desires deep
When hearts craveth the romance untold
And then I falleth to one knee devout
I crave thee to giveth me all of her breath
To woo me liketh the flower that blossoms
In beauty she does walketh in the light

II.
In sunlit morning dew i thinketh of her face
Even as rain falleth upon thine own smile
The caress of her sweet words sootheth me
I am but alone but our hearts are stronger
One glorioius day we will be as two together
Whileth she doth dance i will be by her side
The shadows that brought us together linger
On a stool i sit with her head on my shoulder
Oh glorious dream that shines down on me
Therefore this light we become is like heaven


I responded to this with:

harken to me, oh darkling prince
my love for you hath no bounds
my heart it sings for the joy of you
my soul it lives for love of you

thus I rest upon your shoulder
your arm cast 'round my waist
and naught in this world
dare sunder the bond we here embrace


only in fairytales and epic love stories. I live an epic love story.
I saw something today very strange. I saw what looked like a puff of smoke go into the ceiling behind the light at work today.

No smoking allowed.

It was over the desk of the woman who just lost her mother.

I can't seem to replicate what I saw using the normal optical wierdness that comes from wearing high index glasses and shifting vision from screen to distance, or by the floaters that I normally have in my slightly aging eyes. The 'puff of smoke' I saw went up in my peripheral vision, without my shifting my eyes - the floaters only shift in my eyes when I move them.

Did I see a ghost? I don't, btw, believe in ghosts. Generally speaking.

Monday

Such lonely eyes, so sad
a little boy looks through
scared and hoping for love
Shadowed by warpaint
beneath fierce headdresses
a challenge to the world
on your own terms

those eyes aren't sad anymore
they laugh and smile
a man shines through
loving and loved, vivid
so proud, bold, fierce
warpaint no longer shadows
but brings it forth
Bright happy eyes
alive and in love

such a sweet shy smile
almost masked by intimidating face
but it did not make me quail
I saw the smile, I saw the eyes
they called me. I came to be
the yin to your yang
I am for you.
You called me princess
you called me love
I call you my world
you are my soul.

Tuesday

time stops at your glance
if only it could last forever
the moments I spend with you
in your arms I am home
shared and whole
when I'm with you
who'd've thought
I'd find you, finally
where I'd never think to look
or hope. you were there.
You are here in my heart
filling my senses
always on my mind.
You are everything
all I ever wanted
more than I hoped to have
I love you.
You are my Oddity.
there is no one like him in my entire experience. I will move heaven and earth to be with him. He wrote this:

oUR DREAM oUR LOVE Current mood: adored

bACK TO THE CENTER OF WHO I NEVER WAS
yOU LOOKED INSIDE AND SAW EVERYTHING

mY TEARS mY LOVE mY FEARS mY DREAMS

iN THIS EMBRACE WE FEEL A HEARTBEAT
i CAN FEEL ALL YOUR PAIN AND YOU MINE

oUR SCARS oUR HOPES oUR ENDURANCE

iNSIDE THIS FAIRYTALE THAT WE CREATE
tWO MISFITS BECOME A BEAUTIFUL PAIR

tHIS LOVE INSIDE OF US WILL NEVER DIE

tHIS pASSION tHIS FEAR tHIS INFATUATION
tHIS IS ALL WE WANTED tHIS ADDICTION

oUR DREAM nO TEARS oUR LOVE nO FEAR

gIVE ME YOUR SCARS gIVE ME YOUR HAND
iT TOOK FOREVER NOW WE ARE COMPLETE

iNSIDE A RING OF FIRE OUR HEARTS BURN

lOOK INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

WE SEE FOREVER


there aren't words to describe the feeling I carry inside, the joy, the happiness that brims over in tears. Sometimes I fear I am being obsessive; I read too much into it. And then he writes like that, and I know he feels the same way - though he's better at controlling it's outward manifestation in public!

he is my other half, and I feel so empty when I'm not by his side. We have full lives, busy, intricate and full of friends and loved ones. But no matter what happens, when I'm next to him, life glows.

Monday

It is a delicious, amazing feeling to be loved like I love, to have that back. I am listening to Surrender, by Angels & Agony, and the first part of the lyrics go:

You know how long I've waited
For you to come this far
You don't know how long I've waited
To see the stars
You don't know how long I've waited
To see the stars
You don't know how long I've waited
To love you as you are

Open your eyes
Open your heart
Use no disguise
Surrender to me


He posted it on his myspace page.

The next song is called Run To You by Code 64:

I don't know why it feels right
A burst of emotions made me realize
That I should carry on
More graceful than the stars above
You have touched my very soul
Under the clear blue sky
I will run as fast as I can
Far away from all of this
I've been waiting for ages
To hear the sound of your voice
I will try as hard as I can
To get away from all of this
I need to see you
And I'm running out of time
My heart cries out for mercy
A burst of emotions made me realize
That I should try harder
And as the scenery pass by
I realize that I'm losing time
Under the clear blue sky


Next song on his profile: Miss you More by De/Vision:

Will I be here endlessly
Without a firm sense of identity
In a world that left me cold and empty
In a world that left me cold and empty
I'm about to lose my hold
Come alive and take me far
So alive come take me far and near
'cause the morld will leave you cold and empty
'cause the world will leave you cold and empty
I'm about to lose control
Won't you come alive
And take me down your trail
Hold me close before it's too late
Come alive and lead me all the may
(I miss you more than home)
Hold me close before it's too late
When your colors start to fade
All your colors fade away I pray
That your love
Won't keep me cold and empty
That your love
Won't leave me cold and empty
I'm about to lose my hold.


Next is Memories by namnambulu:

All the things were going through
Let me know when it is over
I have never felt this way
I’m marked with scars that won’t recover

I have always wanted you
Will I ever be returning
Now that I’m away from you
I feel the desperation’s burning

The war has lasted for so long
We’ve all forgotten how it started
I don’t remember right or wrong
I only know that we were parted

All the loving memories
All the time we spent together
It will stay for centuries
Our souls will last forever

I’ll await the days ahead
to make sure that I’ll be with you
And when the sky is turning red
Another day has past without you

I’ll avenge for what I’ve missed
and no one will be trying to stop me
And if there’s no one to assist
I’ll still fight for memories of thee


I feel ... indescribable. I love him so very much. There's nothing like him anywhere.

Thursday

I am having a panic attack. It's a combination of driving and talking religion, which I know I should never do, especially with a Born Again.

I am shaking on the inside and feel trembly. I parked again and again until I could figure out what I'm doing wrong. Now I have to practice until I do it right.

I hate this feeling, this trembly, frightened, painful feeling. It hurts across my shoulders and down my arms. My hips and chest are tight. I can't stop shaking. And my thoughts are going a million miles an hour. I feel like my heart is racing and stopping.

I'm at work and I will make it through the day. I will not fall apart. I have to function.

I hope I calm down.

Sunday

I have an image of him. Sated, face glowing, eyes closed, in bed, his pale skin against deep red sheets. Arms above his head, relaxed, he opens his eyes slowly to look at me and it feels like the sun's rays, warming me as they clear the horizon. His lips curve to give me a smile, gentle and loving. He seems like an angel to me. The look in his eyes is all love, a soft avowal, a tender embrace, and then with his hands he beckons me back to his side, to lie in his arms, his mouth against my hair, my face pressed into his chest. I can hear the beating of his heart. I close my eyes and relax into his arms, the moment forever engraved in my heart. He whispers he loves me and I feel my emotions skyrocket, a million lights bursting in my heart, my mind a cacophony of his words and my feelings.

There is nothing like that moment.

Friday

sitting here listening to carlos gardel tangoes instead of focusing on my paper. Thinking of my dad, and my son, and wondering what will happen. Some people go their entire lives without drama. I can't go six months.

Oddity sent me a Pon and Zi today, one giving a tacklehug to the other. I wonder how it will be when we are closer, and/or together. I'm betting we'll get tired of each other's company; how do people stay together?

I think we can... it takes work.

tired. can't wait to see oddity tomorrow. even if for a few, only a few, alone hours. but it's enough. just enough to touch him, kiss him, breath him in.

gah, i'm a teenager again.

Thursday

This, I believe, was for me, posted on the lonely hearts forum:

THIS MOMENT Posted: Apr 1, 2009 1:00 AM
Asleep, inside our dreams of hope and fear
the stars twinkle while the moon passes by
We clench the blanket tighter
it’s like we live and breathe in a cocoon
And how could i leave you without words
while tears stream onto your pillow
This moment is ours and forever
even when we can’t be wrapped together
So we sleep and hope for happy dreams
with the thoughts of sunshine on our faces
When the birds sing the morning song
the start of a new day discovers us
Know that i think of you this moment
My heart, My love, My sunshine

And this one, though not for me, is fucking great - posted on the gothic industrialist forum:

HARSH (Ghost Dance) Posted: Apr 1, 2009 1:13 AM
Within these white peeling walls
the lights dim and we are dark.
I can hear the buzzing quiet
just before the first drum sound.
The electro beats of my heart
signal my body to let loose.
The ghosts around me join in
and the harsh stomping begins.
Lights flash changing color to white
as our eyes close we are lost.
The funeral procession pulses
breathing life we mesh together.
Even those white eyes who look on
want to join the harsh ghost dance.
We live while others die tonight

Monday

my dad's in the hospital with pneumonia - left lung phlegm buildup. They thought it was the flu last tuesday. They may release him tomorrow. He's 76.

I just found out my children's paternal grandparents have also suffered setbacks. My ex husband's mother is a wonderful woman; I love her very much. She suffers from diabetes (seriously undertreated) and cut her foot.....

My exhusband's father is not a man I care for particularly, but he is my children's grandfather. He suffered a stroke yesterday in Puerto Rico, and the @&%(*@)@ hospital sent him home. SENT HIM HOME!!!! my sister in law had a fit and is now on her way to bring him to the states to take care of him. Ultimately, the family he abandoned is the family who will love him and take care of him. I hope he appreciates it.

My kids are very unhappy. My son did not go to class; instead, he called in and sits with his sisters; they are all crying. Both grandfathers and one grandmother in the hospital and my poor mother is trying her best not to worry. My mother would have not called me if she didnt think it was serious. I haven't spoken to my brothers; tomorrow evening, when we find out what my dad's status is, is enough time to talk to them and find out what this may entail.

And I'm alone, talking to this blog, because there's no one I can talk to. I can face my parents' eventual passing; it's the storm after that that I am afraid of. As always, in the face of severe emotional crap, I stand alone. C'est la vie.

Tuesday



Oddity sent that to me. Today. My head is spinning and my heart is singing and I feel like I'm on top of the world.

Wednesday

My eldest called me today. She had a psychotic break last night. Several things played into this: breaking up with a boyfriend who is moving to wisconsin for school, mooncycle, drinking and frustration at work/home situations. She needed to talk to me.

I find it interesting that we are both suffering lows. She is seeking help; she has called the hospital and will take half dose of Seroquel tonight.

When we have psychotic breaks, we are manic, extremely so, and engage in wild, violent or excessive behavior. We also hallucinate. Unfortunately, we remember everything, and we hit bottom very hard - we say we crash, because the fall from the manic stage is abrupt and hard. If we don't seek help at this stage, we can start to rapidly cycle - i've lost jobs and apartments this way - or become so depressed as to be suicidal - my mom and I and my daughters have been 'institutionalized' for anywhere from two days to a month for this, in our experience.

We feel shame, guilt, despair and everything feels like it is caving in on us. Literally. I am proud of my eldest; she sees it for what it is and is getting help. In this job market, being bipolar is a dangerous thing. No one understands how dysfunctional this chemical imbalance can make a person who can appear lucid and very intelligent. and no one cares.

Tuesday

I am, unfortunately, struggling with the downswing of bipolar syndrome. It's not severe but it can get ugly.

sticking point with oddity is the fact I'm a loner. Last night we had it out again.

This morning, he posted this as a bulletin:

WE'LL BE SHADOWS IN THE SUNRISE

tHESE HANDS ON YOUR HEAD
PULLING FEELINGS OUT AGAIN
WHY DOES'NT ANYONE LISTEN
WHEN YOU EXPLODE IN FRONT OF THEM

THIS PEACE CANNOT FIND QUIET
YOU CAN SCREAM AND NOBODY HEARS
THESE WORDS TRY TO TOUCH YOUR HEART
TRYING TO FIND YOUR SMILE PLEASE

THIS INTERNAL CONFUSION RAGE
CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING
WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT
HOPE YOU DREAM OF RAINBOWS AND THE SUN

AND ALL THIS WHILE YOU WANT LOVE
YOU FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING
THERE IS DESIRE INSIDE YOUR HEART
DON'T EVER RUN AWAY AGAIN

THESE DEMONS FROM OUR PAST
IT'S SO HARD TO RUN AWAY FROM THEM
THERE IS THE SUN BEHIND THE CLOUDS
IT'S WAITING TO FIND YOUR SMILE BRIGHT

AND WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO RUN TO
YOU CAN ALWAYS RUN RIGHT TO ME
WE'LL BE SHADOWS IN THE SUNRISE
WHEN WE HOLD EACH OTHER LIKE A DREAM


all I can do is cry.

Thursday

He's done it again. He's managed to rock my world with his words and need me the way I need him. I love that man, my Oddity. I want to be there for him; he needs me. He loves me.

"hearts at a distance

Sunshine morning thinking of you
my heart awakens from a dream.

Just how will i get thru another day
when you are too many miles away.

TOY is a message we hold dear
when all we want is to hold each other.

One day our dreams will unfold
as we rise up to each day together.

Counting each day one at a time
sifting thru day dreams and at night.

My heart is beating for that moment
when our hearts will be beats apart.

This love grows stronger we know
even though we are hearts at a distance.

You are my friend, my heart and my soul
like a dream that i never want to end."


Today, I had my first official driving lesson. And then had a meltdown and went manic. I called to work and they gave me an hour leeway, and I walked the railtrail up and down listening to Cocoon by Assemblage 23 until I calmed down.

"Even though I know it's only chemical
These peaks and valleys are beginning to take their toll
Try to convince myself that all it takes is time
But the most derisive voice I hear is mine

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon

There is thunder in the distance and the sky grows gray
There is lightning in the clouds in search of prey
It's not a matter of if as much as when
The clouds will break and the rainfall will begin

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon

Cracks in the chrysalis spread out like tiny snakes
That hiss a litany of rumors and mistakes
But I'm afraid their cause is fraught with futility
There is nothing more that they can take from me

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon"

Saturday

for some reason I am circling the abyss again. I feel like things are about to fall apart in my life. or they are flying away at the perimeters. I thought that sort of feeling was long gone, with my past, when I was unstable.

I am not unstable. While my life is heading for change - moving to another city, new job, online schooling, a recession turning into a depression and making all of the above possibly moot - it is not a depressing thing. I believe I can survive a depression - my kids, I don't know and I fear for them, but that is every parent's nightmare. but this shouldn't trigger what I am feeling now.

It is not as acute as it was when I was younger. I don't feel like I'm headed, screaming and kicking, towards oblivion. but headed it feels I am.

I am walking my path and suddenly there is nothing to the right of me but space and nothing to the left of me but rock and the path has become treacherous - and yet, I can navigate it, I know I can, but the abyss is right there, reminding me it's been waiting a very long time for my company.

I don't think it's very friendly. It pokes and steals the path bit by bit. It taunts and jeers and flays open my fears and my shames. Strangely enough, however, it is not getting the panic I felt in the past. This gives me hope. It is the echo of mental illness and I am hoping it echoes due to distance, not due to enclosure.

No one would understand this. I'll watch my path and move on with my plans and be open to change and hope that I don't fall into the abyss' cold open arms.

Thursday

I wish I could tell Capn A why is it I fell out of love with him. I love hugging him and helping him and being near him; but it really feels it's all about him. He needs validation, but truly doesn't see that others close to him need it just as much as he wants it.

I know why he needs/wants validation and its not a stupid reason. It's very very valid and I wish that I were selfless enough to give it to him and have stayed his girlfriend. But I also need validation, as a woman and a sexual creature, as an intelligent person and as a friend. That was missing.

you know why I can't tell Capt A anything? He won't listen, because he says I always bring it around to me. Well, I'm friends with two of your girlfriends, Capn A, and guess what? We agree. It's all about you, and you forget we need too.

Tuesday

lost in thought, i dream of you
the might-be, the possibility
tenacious, tenuous, teeming and trembling
thoughts of me and you.

how could someone wash through me so thoroughly
unexpectedly, suddenly, completely lost
tossed by the waves, adrift and found
in the sea of calm within your eyes?

whispered, swift, silent, sure, wily
Love. so much in so small a word
you fill it, overflow it, fit it,
make it real, alive, a wonder, my world.

images of you in every blink - seated
standing, laughing, poking, scowling, angry
tender, sleeping, aroused, calm, intent, intense
eager, hesitant, you. all you.

you surround my senses, warm my heart
sooth my soul, excite my passion.
Where did you come from?
Never let me go.
Today I have something I have wanted my entire life. I have someone who loves me as I love him, with the same intensity, with the same emotion. He is my other half.

He wrote the below.

"When was, or when would be the time you met or meet someone who you knew is right for you in almost every way ?

For me, i have met that person. My other half. i don’t have to explain very many things, we seldom fight or argue amd disgreements are short lived and learned. I can be myself, at the opposite end of the room, and still feel something as well as an individual. This took me a long time. It was very random and uncanny that neither of us were looking for this."

Monday

When Oddity came to meet me on Saturday, he turned to kiss me outside the comic book store and I was caught unawares.... like I didn't expect him to kiss me. I was both surprised and wondered why I was surprised. When he took leave of me Sunday, it was the same. Why was I surprised that he kissed me (and so much, too!)? Is it that someone to show me such affection publicly is alien to me?

I am obsessed with him, but not dangerously so. but it's like a drug; I can't get enough of seeing him, reading him, hearing him, and when I'm with him, I want to feel him near, touch him all the time, breath in his skin and eyes and everything. When I'm with him, I do feel like I'm complete, whole. Every time we say goodbye, it's like a physical tearing away of a member of my body.

I love to see him smile. I love his eyes. I love to sleep with his arms around me (and he always does that!) even though it makes my neck hurt a little, because I'm close to him. I can hear his heart beat (and he can feel mine). I love the way his feet curve, the classic high arch. I love his legs and his posterior. I love his chest and his arms. I love to play with his hands. Love his nose and the curve of his head.

Okay, yea, I know I'm obsessed. Focused, that I prefer. I love that he holds me in public, and reaches back to take my hand (!!!!! who's ever done THAT for me???) and is proud to introduce me - and he talks about me! Like I do about him! (head whirls) I want to be near him. Yes, I even want, hope, that one day I'll carry his name. I would like to keep him, please? Pissy moods and all?

I hope we can work out as we get older just being with each other. It's alot to ask, I know. I'm just so happy around him.

Saturday

this.. is for me. Odity wrote this for me.

Saturday, February 21, 2009 forever
this time is forever
and forever is now
and you are here
here by my side
hand in hand
your heart is near
next to mine
two hearts
beating as one
like it's forever
and this is love
wider than a smile
just can't express
how happy i am
now and forever
9:29 AM

Sunday

I miss him. I'm just away from him since 11:30am and I miss him. I see a photo of him and I want to reach into it and touch him, smell him, feel him around me. I wait by the computer until he shows up online. I'm pretty pathetic.

I physically miss him too. I want to feel his skin, his chest, his breath, his arms, his kiss, everything.

His brother didn't expect me to be so feminine. That's a nice compliment, but what did he expect his brother to date???

I ache; my heart hurts 'cause I want to be around him. We can't live together yet. I need to live on my own. I don't know if Sallie Mae will approve my loan, but if they do, schooling is going to take up my time and it's not going to be easy. Paralegal studies is HARD as hell.

I just want to be near him.

Friday

Oddity posted this song for me as a message to me on MySpace:

Biggest Part Of Me by Ambrosia

Yeah (Sunrise)

There's a new sun arisin'
(In your eyes) I can see a new horizon
(Realize) That will keep me realizin'
You're the biggest part of me

(Stay the night) Need your lovin' here beside me
(Shine the light) Need you close enough to guide me
(For all my life) I've been hopin' you would find me
You're the biggest part of me

Well - Make a wish, baby
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you,
So we could wash away the past,
So that we may start anew

(Rainbow) Risin' over my shoulder;
(Love flows) Gettin' better as we're older
(All I know) All I want to do is hold her
She's the life that breathes in me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(For better) For me, there's nothin' better
You're biggest part of me

Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ahh)
So that we may start anew (ah ooo)

Oh - More than an easy feelin',
She brings joy to me
How can I tell you
What it means to me?
Flow like a lazy river
For an eternity
I've finally found someone
Who believes in me, (who believes (x 2) in me)
And I'll never leave (Now I’ve found all I need)



Oh - Oh, not to doubt now
Mmmm, ain’t life grand?

Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ah)
So that we may start anew (ah oo)

(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me
(To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me
(Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me
You're the biggest part of me

(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) From now until forever
You're the biggest part of me
You're the life that breathes in me
You're the biggest part of me

Mmmmm

You changed my life
You made it right
And I'll be a servant to you
For the rest of my life ahhh
You're the biggest part of me.... ahhh


It's very nice to date someone of my generation. I didn't think I could love someone more, but he did it. I respond very well to music... and he's pushing all the right buttons.

Wednesday

I keep waiting for the moment he 'wakes' up and wonders why he's with me, or likes me. I bet he feels the same way, but it doesn't change the deepseated insecurity that i'm not good enough or pretty enough or whatever enough to be loved by someone the way I love someone.

rather annoying.
I WANT THE AMAZON KINDLE. I would get all the news magazines, and the NY Times, and every possible scifiseries and religious studies book I could get my hands on to read.

With a source of power, I would never run out of reading material!!!

At 360 a pop, I guess I'm waiting on this for a long time.
I like my current living arrangement, don't get me wrong. I love being able to continue to take care of Capn A and make him breakfast and lunch, and be his sounding board and ears. I'm going to miss him a huge lot when we move on with our lives.

But this morning, when I woke up next to Oddity, I knew I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. No matter how pissy he gets (his reaction to things unknown or unsure) or how adamant he is about something, I can deal with it. He's not the kind I can get up and make breakfast for, for instance, like I did for Capt A.

This morning, he snuggled his head into my chest and wrapped his arms around me and fell back asleep. I would kill for more moments like that. He is openly affectionate. He isn't the kind that doesn't want me around when we go out. He LIKES me being around him. I had gotten so used to not hanging around my SOs 'cause they wanted their space at public events, this attitude of wanting me near him instead of off on my own is ... indecribably incredible.

If and when we do have a life together, it is going to be challenging. He is NOT an easy person; he is older and set in his ways. I am a flexible person and consider myself lucky to be so. But I am also older and I do have a comfort level I am not willing to compromise.

We have time. I wish I didn't feel so torn about leaving Capt A on his own.

Tuesday

I see Oddity within the next three hours. I'm 44, and I still feel this delicious sense of anticipation, a quiver of delight, at the thought of seeing him. He feels the same way, I think. He and I are going to go to a concert to see Combichrist; we're excited over that even as we are lamenting our lack of bounceback 'cause the next two days are going to be HARD, especially on him. But the major excitement isn't the concert; it's seeing each other. and he's older than i!

He talks about me and expresses his emotions about me. He puts it in writing!!!

I'm the one who excites him (oh, he's male, I know any female can - but I"M the focus!!!), I'm the one he thinks of. I'm the one. ME.

This thought is hard for me, it's amazing, it's new. I've had guys who were attracted to me, or who loved me in some way. But ... I think this is the first time that someone feels the way I do for them, for me. Truly in love.

Oh please let this be a forever thing!

Monday

I make his heart sing. Me. I do. He loves me. ME. HE LOVES ME!!!!

"Monday, February 09, 2009 A reality Dream unfolds Current mood: thankful

Having just woke up a little while ago some thoughts have come to mind that i would like to share. I often have dreams that seem so real that when i wake up i feel like i've escaped the dream i was in or that i am still in the dream that was unfolding. I also sometimes feel myself (within the dream) trying real hard to focus on the face of someone in my dream without it ever really revealing the person. I remember there was this one time where i was dreaming that i would meet someone very special and there she was in my dream but i could not see the face of the person no matter how hard i tried but this one time i sensed her face was coming into focus and then i woke up, thus ending the dream..

(that last sentence may be one of the longest i have written)

In the spring of 2008 a reality dream unfolded. This time i was not asleep. She was in full focus. It just kind of developed and the more we came to know each other the more we wanted to see each other. I don't know exactly how to explain this, but we are each others lost half. I had practically given up on the idea of a solid relationship ever happening for me. I was not searching or hoping. We somehow just became one gradually and now i think about her all the time. She is pretty, sexy, educated, tough, ever cheerful, and full of hope and compassion, as well as love. We are still getting to know each other and taking our time. I could not be more lucky or blessed and i am very happy. I am truly in love.

That being said, it is good to have hope. It is important to like yourself and believe in yourself. Self confidence and being comfortable on your own is very crucial. Just be yourself and you will shine in someone's eyes. If you are lucky, you will feel the way i do.

It is good to dream.. "

He wrote that. He also wrote this:

"Saturday, February 07, 2009 FoReVeR ViCioUS Current mood: amorous

a chamber of echoes
filling empty spaces
tormenting me
makes me want you more
i take this aggression
piercing inside of you
and it feels vicious
and you are delicious
and nothing matters
you look inside me
my heart is not black
and you want more
i know you need more
a heart on fire
beating fierce
vicious for you
this feels like forever
i want nothing more"

And this:

"FEAST OF LOVERS Current mood: vibrant

tO TASTE,
lEAVING YOU WANTING,
tHIS FLESH,
wE DIE OF THIRST.
a KISS,
qUENCH YOUR DESIRES,
wANTING MORE,
a NEED TO FEED,
sAVORY.
oPEN YOUR HEART,
fEEL MY LOVE,
tHIS DEEP CARESS,
fOREVER.
tHE LAST MORSEL,
eVERY BIT,
fLESH FROM FLESH,
dIVINE.
sPREAD YOUR WINGS,
tHE ETERNAL,
wAITING LIKE VULTURES,
tHIS CEREMONY,
a FUNERAL FEAST OF LOVERS"

And This:

"ROMANCE is EVERYTHING Current mood: cheerful

love is
i look in your eyes, and all i see
is everything, the beautiful things
flower petals lay in your hands
it's all i can give, it's all i am
the love i feel inside,
you make my heart feel
inside these whispers
you are closer to me now
reach out your pretty hand
for the flowers of romance
when i see you it's beautiful
yes, you are my princess
and my heart is yours too
right next to you is all i want
and i want everything
so please accept,
the words of romance
these words are for you
and so am i
in love"

"PASSING TIME Current mood: romantic

A school boy sits idly shy wondering how his heart strings are being pulled by the girl he admires after he had lost all hope.
One small smile lets the sun shine through the window as she peeks out looking for him.
As clouds pass by they think of each other, two shadows standing side by side hand in hand.
If this feels like love then they feel everything.
One day at a time, nervous and anxious like the first day they laid eyes on one another.
Two hearts beating as one, dancing to the same song.
Turning the page inside this beautiful dream, waiting to see the smile that lights up their lives.
A school boy sits alone on the school steps, waiting for the pretty girl to return"


"and on the seventh day Current mood: romantic

she'll hear seven beats of my heart
twenty seven miles away
and like the distant thunder
she'll feel my presence nearby
when i look into the silver mirror
her lips i wish were close to mine
and i can feel myself alone
wanting her here next to me

seven kisses blowing in the wind
each one destined for her
like the times we spend together
when all i want is to be with her
she'll know that my aim is true
and on the seventh day
there's love inside of our hearts
when she is in my arms again"

I love him. I love my Oddity. I love My RayZOR.

Monday, December 29, 2008 CLOSER TO THE SUN

walking towards the sun
following her
like shadows follow me
pulling my heart strings
following love
like a ray of sunshine
blue skies smile upon me
feeling her warmth
following close
closer to the sun
my love inside her heart
her shadow next to mine

Friday, December 12, 2008 THE BLUE GIRL
oN A BLUE SKY MORNING ANGEL BIRDS SING.
sUNLIGHT STREAKS THROUGH THE MINI BLINDS.
tHE BLUE GIRL'S FACE BURSTS INTO HAPPINESS.
sHE DANCES IN THE SHADE OF A TALL TREE.
wAITING FOR HER LOVE AT THE END OF THE DAY.
sO PRETTY LIKE THE RAINBOWS AFTER RAIN.
aN ANGELS HEART BEATING INSIDE HER CHEST.
wAITING FOR THE SHADOW OF HER TRUE LOVE.
tHE SUN SHINES ON HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN.
aND THE BLUE GIRL SINGS AS SHE DANCES AWAY.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008 into the shadow
One heart beating fierce
dancing in the shadows
and i watch
standing in the moonlight
this pulsating beat
getting inside of my head
clutching my chest
my heart pounds
and i am at peace
shining in this moment
and i dance
into the shadow
and i watch myself
nothing ever more fierce
this is like a memory
i once had of heaven
and i'm falling into you
for this is who i am
i'm giving it all away
the shadow of my heart

Saturday, November 08, 2008 BLOSSOM
One fLOWER
oNE Light
One dREAM
oNE Chance
So bEAUTIFUL
pRETTY Petals
Taken One by One
I LOVE YOU
iN SunShine
And Also iN rAIN
wE bLOSSOM
We Can Still Dream

And this one was about me and my kids, in part:
Friday, October 24, 2008 THE CONCRETE WALLS
she's taking her long dive
i'm catching all of her tears
and the deeper that it gets
the deeper i know i will go.
and she's coming up for air
but only for a short while.
these monkeys will play
and they'll get into trouble
and this is where i sigh.
the restless waters converge
those that once stood still.
were we this far apart ?
when you were next door.
did he take it for granted ?
that she's always been there.
always when you fall apart
and fuck up time and again.
and even then my friend
with all of her soft heart
she gave everything to you.
and then some more.
but it's never enough
to say "i love you"
when you tear her apart.
these moonlit skies
sliver and silver tongue
searching for lost souls
that are buried alone
among the burning stars.
and now you are asleep
without any windows.
are there any mirrors ?
please look inside yourself
before it becomes too much.
before you are too late.