So, last night, I IM'd about applying to the Baltimore Teaching Residency. I finally see how this could have set someone off - 'residency' could mean having to live in Baltimore, and that's more than an hour away from home (home is where your heart is, and my heart is in Lancaster). This stressed Oddity out. I did not think it was stressworthy until I realized how it sounded to someone who'd never heard of the program. Capt A is a teacher in Baltimore through this program, but he's never lived and will never live in Baltimore. I am of the same mind. I can't accept that job offer if it happens and I haven't got my driver's license yet. But Oddity didn't know that.
So I do understand, now, why he stressed. BUT. He's told me many a time to rely on our love. So why didn't he then? I would not do something to keep us apart. And, then he states that IM should be for light stuff, general talk, joking. The application to Balti was general talk, as far as I was concerned (again, I acknowledge the misunderstanding). However, I need to point out a few things.
IM is the only way we can communicate during the week. We live still too far from each other to actually have face to face conversations. We have so much to catch up on during the short weekends we do have together that leaving serious talk for then is illogical. And, I listen to him when he needs to vent.
Evenings have always been hard on me; I've known a measure of peace while I was with Capt A but echoes of the trauma of youth still abound, especially now when I spend them alone and worried about finances and my children. My outlet is speaking to Oddity in the evenings for the 1-2 hours past my bedtime. But if what I say stresses him out, then it's not viable.
And I'm alone again, with my thoughts and demons.
I am very understanding, and very flexible. But I will no longer allow myself to hurt for someone else. I love Oddity deeply. We are going to have to come to a compromise on this. I intend to speak with him about it this weekend, seriously. I fear it will be agonizing. But nothing comes easy.

I've gotta blog these things. He sent me an email this morning with photos from photobucket.com The first was a smiling sun. The second was a chalkboard with the lyrics to "You Are My Sunshine" scrawled on it... "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, with the things you do, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away." The third was a sun, with the words 'You are (and in the circle of the sun, my) sunshine".
I cried. at work, like a baby.. very happy joyous delighted in awe baby.
so i sent him a few: a little "I Fucking Love You"; a "All I want is to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to the warmth of your body next to mine"; a tiny "I've been waiting for you all my life" and a poem with a lotus flower that states that his love is all i needed; he is the missing part of me.
I'm so blessed.

Again.. music is the key to me. He posted: Afternoon Delights - I used to like that song.

I DREAMED of having sex to that song. That was one of the most overtly sexual songs I had heard, to me. And I wasn't aware it was about sex until much later! And I dream of having afternoon skyrockets with him. oh my goddess.

Then he posted, as a bulletin, the New Order song Leave Me Alone; he heard that song alot the days after his dad died. I had to look up the lyrics, and listened to it time and time again. Oh, the pain.. and what a sensitive, amazing man he was even then. I think I fell more in love with him just today.

Silver Blue, by Roxette: I wrap my arms around your naked shoulders/take cover for the night/And I fade to silver, silver blue for you...

I had a bad night. I was sinking deep into that depressive, defeatist abyss. I scared Oddity. I hope I don't scare him away, but it's going to be difficult if he can't survive those episodes. I'm afraid he'll fall out of love with me. I'm too damaged.

Ah well. That's life. It hurts, but I'm not normal and I'm not sane and you can't have all the funloving wild happy optimistic parts of me without the dark dangerous choppy waters below it. This is what I meant when I said I love the whole person; you are not just the happy parts. You are the dark deep ugly things too. Those things you mask from everyday interactions are still there, under the surface, and when I love someone, I love that too - because without that, you have no depth, no reality, no personality. I hope someone will love me like that too.

I'm damaged, but I'm glorious in my flaws. Love me, even through the dark times. I'm insecure, I'm selfish, I'm impatient. I admire your patience, your ability to keep your soul alive while being trapped. I hate being trapped; I lived 17 years trapped and beaten down. I don't want to live like that. You have no idea what fear and horror living your life the last 9 years would have given me. It would have destroyed me. The longest I've ever lasted in a job is 5 years, and a concatenation of events drove me to a hospital to prevent a suicide attempt.

I don't want to live without love. Perhaps I can survive this just because you love me. But I need to be reassured. It may mean reassurance every day - are you up to that? I feel so much emotion, both negative and positive. It is violent and extreme; I will be a different person on medication. Can you live with that? I was on meds twice; I was not fond of it but the second time, it saved my sanity.

The way I am when we make love - that is my constant state of emotion. I ride them, highs and lows. I feel acutely. I feel everything. This is considered a mental illness only because it can interfere with normal, day to day functioning. I live with this; have done so all my life. Don't let it scare you away, please. You don't have to deal with it directly, but deal with it you may have to, in some way. You can survive my worst, you deserve my best. And my best, hon, you know, is fantastic.

I will not crash and burn this time. I will refocus. Don't abandon me; don't give up. Love me. Tell me you love me every day. I will reciprocate. I will give back with interest all the good and the love and the hope and the strength you can share with me. I can bring you joy as fierce as the tears we may spill together. Love me.

Was looking at pictures of Capt A in Hawaii. I loved him alot; I see his face and still feel the echoes. I loved his face, his eyes; the curve of his lips and the comfort of his arms. I wish I could be for him what he wanted, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTED. I never figured that out. I guess, in his estimation, I was simply not smart enough to figure it out.
He has sparkling, crystal eyes. Such an open, friendly face. Sweet, and loving. But that wasn't enough. Is it me? I certainly wanted more. I wanted fire, and passion. I wanted to be IMPORTANT TO YOU, GODDAMMIT, Capt A. I wanted to be the focal point of your life. I wanted you to make plans and INCLUDE ME IN THEM. But I wasn't important enough. Oh, you did tell me you loved me, that you loved me deeply and greatly. But you making plans to go to Exeter and not include me in some way - keep the home fires burning, or something. Anything other than that I would be a free agent. I wanted to mean enough to you for you NOT TO WANT TO LOSE ME. I wanted to be valuable enough for you to stop and say, No, without you I am not going to make it.
But you will make it, without me. You move on. I'm not worried; just sad. You'll continue being this way, and every woman who falls for you will realize that the only important thought in your head is for you. You're not selfish, you're just not capable of making someone else important in your life. Whomever the bitch who was the root cause of that, I hope she suffers every fucking day. I hate her and I don't even know her.
I hate feeling like this.

When Lord Dragon hurt me, this song for some reason resonated but hurt. Recently, I heard it again, and it reminded me of Oddity AND Capt A. I could imagine Oddity singing the first part to me: State of the Union: Romancing the Stone You've got what I need/and every desire that I crave/you're just what I want/the perfect body, the perfect face/I love who you are/for every move you make for every word you say/for every second that we spend..... (So Oddity put it as his profile song on his MS. I love that man. I really do.) When I'm not around/it's sometimes hard to keep things clear/temptations are high/but for a moment think of me/Cause I'm lost every second without you/and it feels like I'm losing my mind/Keeping true to ourselves through the distance/makes me feel like romancing a stone. (Now I sing it to Oddity, and I've a feeling he sings it to me too.) (This part reminds me of Lord Dragon and of me with Capt. A) How can I leave you? How can I dare to walk away/when you were there in every step/when you were always there for me/How can I do this/when tears are running down your face/when hurt is all you feel inside/and love does not deserve my name..... 'Cause I'm lost every second without you/and it feels like I'm losing my mind/Keeping true to ourselves through the distance/Makes me feel like romancing a stone/But this shadow keeps merging between us/Keeping darkness in my solitude/Giving in to the sin precious darling/Makes me feel like romancing the stone.

That first part? Just thinking that Oddity is singing it to me makes my spine melt. I hope he has a good time tonight; he had a run-in with his boss. I can only trust in my instinct that this all will work out - new jobs, new life, and us together. I am sure of it, I just don't know if I can trust it.

So he came to my house last night. The dogs loved him, of course, those girls are round at the heel from the word go! It was nice to have him there, even with the uncomfortable reality that this is NOT my house.
It's hard to keep my hands off him. And the same goes for him, I think. I wish I could rely/believe my impressions. We ate the dinner I made and talked a bit. I showed him around the house and introduced him, at a distance, to Murgatroyd. He got me a potted African Violet (my love of blue!).
I feel I simply can't get used to holding him. I am acutely aware of the brief periods of time we have to spend together. I want to hold him and never let go. I love to hear his heart beat and his breathing. I love to inhale his scent, Lagerfeld and skin, laundry fresh shirt and the undercurrent of pheromones.
We set out the sleeping area in the living room; no hanky panky - my daughter was awake all night, and anyway, it would have been wierd. But I slept wrapped up in his arms. We talked back and forth, about body aches and desires, the future and our past. My daughter came by in the morning and exclaimed how cute we were all tangled up in each other. We are cute together.
We got dressed, ate cereal for breakfast, and he ended up sticking around for the Social Service lady visit. Parting, ah, such sweet sorrow, bittersweet pleasure and pain. I know it will be at least a year before we are in a position to share our lives in earnest; but oh, I want that now.
I miss you, Oddity, so much, and I just saw you this morning. I feel like a child and a woman with you. I feel alive and cossetted, fierce and sweet, violent and tender (now how's THAT for a reaction?) I want to prove myself to you and there's nothing to prove.
There's a song in spanish by Bebe called 'Siete Horas' (seven hours) that reminds me of the anticipation I feel when I'm going to see you.
"Seven hours, running through the city - seven hours my legs are giving out! seven hours I'm beginning to go backwards - seven hours and I'll will see you again! And I don't know how long I chase that moment thinking about each movement in slow motion and my nostalgia becomes the blood that rises and falls and floods me with desire - I don't want to do a thing, I'm trapped by nervousness I can't take any more, my patience is gone every minute is endless and still there's
seven hours (chorus) I watch the bus schedule and make sure my legs are smooth I stand I sit I can't concentrate I'm so distracted I watch the clock every minute I'm caught and feeling the pinch of time I fear I won't get there in time I check my bags, my clothes my underwear and in a little while I'll be checking you with my mouth."
It sounds better in spanish, very hectic and desperate. It is one of my favorite of the Bebe songs because it captures so well how I feel about seeing you.

I love the heat; he's a summer afternoon in the city. Spare and lean, his face is angled, a little scary. Yet his eyes are soft. They are brown/green wells of old pain and loneliness, but hope and joy shine in their depths. He's never given up. When he wears his facepaint, they are hidden, those eyes of incredible emotion. He barely smiled, but when he smiles, even the shadows dance in the light. He didn't realize how tangible his aura was until people commented on the change. It is palpable, alive, glowing - and now more than ever he shines. His face, so oddly foreboding, breaks into a grin easily. His eyes dance. I love the feel of his face in my hands, his lips on my skin.

Intense, his eyes, his regard, his emotions. It hums off his skin. I've been told I am the live wire in someone's arms, but holding him is like holding a live wire. He trembles and he is strong, hard and soft at the same time. He's so alive, so vivid, so at odds with his shyness. The shyness; the vulnerable sweet little boy inside his wiry frame is so endearing.

Gangly and possessed; an amalgam of youth and age, experience and wonder. I love the white in his goatee; instead of age, it brings out his liveliness. I love his hands; the thought of them touching me leaves me weak and breathless. I love to touch him, to feel him with my hands, my skin; I want to taste him and breath him in. I want his arms around me, his lips on my forehead - I feel safe, loved, whole.

The sound of his voice flows over me, into my head, fills my heart. The sight of him always makes me catch my breath. My eyes sought him out even before I understood why; now, they hunger for his glance. He makes me feel at peace and agitated, calm and crazy. It has always felt right and comfortable, but now the fear is leaving; I feel a little more secure. I always feel that time is against me, but he has waited a long long time - for me. For Me.

I am the value, the light, the factor, the hope. He is my heart, my soul, my love, the breath I take, the warmth of the sun, the beauty in the day. He is the missing part of my soul. I am his completion. We belong to each other, by each other, with each other, for each other.

"I like/where we are/when we drive/in your car/I like/where we are/here/Our lips/can touch/and our cheeks/can brush/Our lips/can touch/here/'Cause you are the one, the one who lies close to me/whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"/I fell in love/in love with you suddenly/Now there's no place else I could be/but here in your arms/(music)/I like/where you sleep/when you sleep/next to me/I like/where you sleep/here/Our lips/can touch/and our cheeks/can brush/Our lips/can touch/here...."

Hellogoodbye sings this and I love this song. Everytime I hear it, I think of Oddity. Because it's true; I like when we drive in his car, 'cause I get to touch him. And when I sleep over... it's heaven. I do, I miss him terribly. And there's no place else I want to be but in his arms.

I want to say so many things. I love the way he tastes, the way he sounds; the looks on his face. I adore his smile. His laughter, his pissy moods (this could just be new relationship energy, as my coven leader asserts), his driving, the way he sleeps (mi carita de angel). I love his eyes, his hands, his neck; the way his head is shaped. Lordie, it's bad. I want him all the time. And not necessarily to have sex. I just want to touch him, to know he's real. I really enjoy ... wow, do I have the balls to say that here? Let's just say he definitely triggers my oral fixation. He loves me!!! He thinks, as I do, that we're ideal for each other!

I might not see him for more than seven days this week. It is going to hurt. I need to be more adult about this, but it's hard. Wow, that sentence is so loaded!

I want to write poems about him; he does a good job writing them, but I find myself resorting to songs. That's where I end up, compiling music that reminds me of him. Recently, he posted Let Me Be Your Armor by Assemblage 23 for me. He posted She's My Addiction for me. That sort of stuff gets me every time. I want to post the first part of "Romancing the Stone" by State of the Union for him (the second part is for A).

He's All I Want!

it SUCKS when I'm hormonal/emotional. Stupid shit makes me cry. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Little disappointments become, in this emotional state, momentous. Sheesh.
When I get like this, I soar high or drop like a stone and it's not comfortable. I feel physical pain, like my heart is breaking, or - if it's happy stuff - as if it were trying to lift out of my chest. I shake, I feel hollow. I ate twice this morning to stave this sort of situation off, but I guess it's just a byproduct of my physiological and psychological makeup and I'll have to live through it.
Well, the good side to this is that I feel everything acutely - so when I am happy, and having a good time, I'm REALLY having a good time!
Listening to my mp3 player which is full of all sorts of love songs and ballads. At least, I don't feel that overwhelmingly obsessive desire/need to be with Oddity; it's calming down. I'm looking for work. Want to clean the house and get rid of all the crap, so that I can consolidate Teri's things and move her into the attic with me, so that Capt. A can have his space and let us stay there - I have no way to get an apartment or support one for the next six months, unless I get a better paying job (has to pay 12-15/hr and that may not be possible). I also have to drive. I can drive. I need the road experience.
I bet all these worries are what's triggering this hormonal emotional storm. Fuck.

"So far away/doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore/it would be so fine to see your face at my door/and it doesn't help to know/you're just time away/Long ago I reached for you and/there you stood/holding you again could only do me good/how I wish I could/but you're so/far away//One more song about moving along the highway/can't say much of anything that's new/if I could only work this life out my way/I'd rather spend it/being close to you....."

This day's an invitation/And it's just for you/You've got a reservation/For the 17th of June/Open your eyes and let/the sun break in for a while/There may be something/That you've never seen inside (never seen inside) /Feel how your heart beats like a heavy machine/The sound of the traffic is like a far, silent dream/The dust in the park - the exhaust from the cars/Ascends in that heated afternoon -you touch a sweaty body! / Summer in Berlin, it's alright (it's alright)/The day feels so tired/From the lead in the air and the fire in the skies/Life seemed to be a fault of grace but it's ok/It gave you a kiss/In the middle of the crossroads" Summer in Berlin, Alphaville

I got to the bus station just about at 5pm, and Oddity was waiting for me on the 16th. We talked awhile - I had to bring him up to speed on my kids; of course, this pisses everyone off. We got home with some groceries and I started cooking (because that's how I was brought up). We ate dinner and curled up on the couch - I wanted to watch a Love and Rocket video that he has. We cuddled and played around then went to bed. There are things we like doing together that I shan't note here, but we had fun and we slept happy. We should have gotten up early to go to the beach but we took our time and had more fun. I love to make him feel good.

I had the song playing in my head; it is for this reason that I took the 17th off. He offered to take me to Wildwood (where he goes with his mom to vacation every year). The drive was long, but we talked and relaxed and I love to see him in profile. I love to watch him talk, and drive; smile or frown. We got to the beach at about 12 and it was simply GLORIOUS. We had crossword puzzles and music and people watching and talking and holding of hands and ice cream (several times!) and taking sun - I got truly sunburned! - and the only bad thing is that his ear got stuffed up that morning and it was bothering him. I wish I could have taken that for him!

We walked practically the length of the beach AND the broadwalk. He showed me the places he visited when with his mom, and what they did, and the people he met, where he parked, the stores that disappeared, stories about people they see every year, the clubs and how they are migrating to suit the yuppy/college crowd, condo buying et al folks. We watched the scary rides and the water rides and In Between days was playing at some point at the water park area.

We ate at the Lobster Shack - deLIcious! - and just strolled. It was a perfect day, truly, to spend with him. I love being around him to listen to him talk, to speak to him.

On our way home, the conversation again turned to the kids. I know he gets pissed off about them, and I wish I could keep this out of the conversation now. But he cares, and that is endearing. Otherwise, we saw the sun set, a military airplane land (sorta), the full moon rising. We drove past where his mom worked and lived for a while. His auto accident was sometime around late 1990. This and his dad's death figure very large in his life, as does his brother and his mom.

We got home and got ready for bed, but sleep wasn't the first thing on the menu. Again, this was perfect. I can't imagine any better close to a perfect day. And then this morning, the 18th, I made him feel good again - I love doing that. I truly do.

I daydream of moving to Lancaster to be close to him, or learning to drive. When I got home, I did drive A's new Ford Escape to repark it. It is easier the second time around. it really is. I will drive by his birthday. I need to; I need to make progress and break free of my prison.

I love him. I'd give him everything.

A few things: a little girl I resonated with I finally found out why; she was molested. I want to kill who did it - and I rather like the fellow. Or used to. Now I just want him dead.

I have head lice. I don't know where it came from or why it's happening to me NOW. just that I found an adult louse crawling through my foam earpiece at work and totally flaked out. In a quiet way. I lost it when I got home, though. Cleaning everything.

My son told my parents about my breaking up with Capt. A and a little about Oddity. It wasn't a pleasant conversation.

Temptation found himself falling in love with me. He's a wonderful dear friend and I wish I could undo that for him. It's flattering, and I'm betting it would not have happened had I not become inaccessible. He states he will get over it. I will be sure to stay his friend no matter what. I just wish other girls would see what I saw in him.

Oddity is definitely my match. There's no one like him. Yesterday his computer died; today our phones are fucked up for some unfathomable reason and tonight I think I'm going to crash like a ton of bricks.

I have no money to go to my therapy appointment. Frantically looking for my credit card. I could have sworn I had it in my wallet, but I don't.

Listening to my mp3 player, the song Angel One came on "how did you know? When I loved your body, my mind was with someone else? How did you know? I've made my decision and someone's is going to hurt. Sometimes people are made to stay; Maybe I will be some day" I always think of Capt. A now with this song.

I know he's angry. I also know that I took a risk in staying overnight Tuesday night - I wanted to see Ritter's Alternative night (and it was GREAT) though the poor turnout may work against it (Tuesday night, c'mon now). But I could not bear to make anyone drive me home at 1am and turn around and return to lancaster... that's just wrong.

I also took a risk 'cause I'm pretty sure calling in today is going to be the deathknell of my job. I'm burned out on the job; I can't understand how people can do it, go day after day to the same place doing the same thing. And I always feel like I'm that greek god who has to roll that huge rock uphill and never ever makes it.. or makes it to had to start all over again. I'm so frustrated I cry.

so many things I'm risking because of this emotional force. I had stability, but no passion. I had a home and a man who would have never betrayed me, but who also sounded like he'd never commit completely to me either. I have a steady job, but I can't take the daily grind. How the hell am I going to survive if I've not developed the coping skills for losing my soul? Because that what it felt like - I was bartering my soul for stability.

Not everyone is like that; why do I have to be the flake? Okay, my brothers are the same, but still - what fucked-up-edness caused this?

I watch Oddity in bed, sleeping; he's like the oddest angelic creature I've ever seen. I feel so protective AND protected when I look at him. Gangly limbs and a face that goes from pretty forbidding to tenderly vulnerable. I love looking into his eyes. Goddess, I want to protect him and baby him and take care of him and never see sorrow or pain in those eyes!

I'm hoping this obsessive emotion is calming down - at least so I can function from day to day. I'll need to refocus. I don't want it to go away. I've found my match, my other half, the pieces to my heart. He's filled all the little empty spaces inside me (get your mind out of the gutter). I'm his everything. I'm the joy in his eyes. He's the beat of my heart. Goddess, thank you.

What do you do when you know something is so fucking right, so fucking perfect, but you can't do anything about it at the moment? God, I could toss everything in my life out (except music, books, kids and dogs) just to start fresh with the perfect person. I wish I could write this on my LiveJournal or on MySpace, just to crow about it.

I kind of figured that the Right One would come when I was older. It still kicked me in the head when it happened. My chimes are still ringing (well, that could be for other reasons too... blush) and I'm still reeling from how absolutely awesome this is. I literally am in awe; I can stare at him for hours, amazed at the experience. I am being good at controlling the evil vicious spic green monster when girls he's known for-like-ever comes up and eats the candy from around his neck - MY NECK, MY MAN, MY CANDY! I know I'm being irrational; if any of them had any real interest or had he been interested that way, it would have already happened. I just have to keep telling myself that I've finally got what I wanted, what I deserve, and that it's not going anywhere - 'cause I'm what he wanted, what he deserves, what he's been looking for.

Mutual admiration society here. Someone who gives out what I give out. It is unbelieveable how perfect it feels. I've so got to pare my life down and get ready to start new on my own - so that we can be the unit, the item, the entity that we should be. In the open. With or without approval - doesn't matter, 'cause it's just us two. He's my heart, my soul, my everything. He's real, he's sexy, he's tender, he's startling, he's strong, unique, odd, different, fantastic, tasty, interesting, amazing, mine. He's mine. I'm his. I'm all his.

I just read that a friend of mine had been attacked and raped not too long ago. I can't describe to you the hate, fury, evil vicious emotions this causes. I HATE RAPISTS. They should die slowly and as painfully as possible. They are the ultimate bully, the devil in flesh, the deepest evil on this planet. That would be the only reason for hell; for rapists to eternally boil and scream and never receive mercy.

I'm shaking. Not sure why. It could be exhaustion, emotion, lack of sleep, hunger (need meat!), anger, frustration, hate of this job...

I know what my son and daughter go through when they want to make a life change. Nothing works as fast as we want it to. I want to have a new job and start fresh; I have to pare down my belongings and baggage. I feel trapped by Teri's shenanigans and fear living with her alone because I can't control what she does. This is not the way for a mom to feel!!! I want to spend time with my new friends and old friends and still be able to focus on my home and pets and kid and life. I want to make Capt A happy but I am not in love with him. I want to start new with Oddity and still be on my own. I want to live by myself and see what that's like here, where the rush isn't present. Lancaster seems like a happening place and my new friends are there, but I don't want to leave York or my friends here. I want to see what living in Harrisburg would be like - and working there!

I want to be self sufficient, and I want to take care of Oddity and his concerns. I want to have a place I can bring my granddaughter to and enjoy her company; I want to be independent enough to make my eldest proud. I need to be on my own, the sooner the better. Capt. A said I would be that way, all sails to the wind, precariously perched.

I want to grow old with Oddity. I want to be young with my future grandchildren. I want to be free. I want to stop shaking!!!!

So instead of taking a shower and getting ready for work, I'm posting another secret blog. I am so fucking pissed off at Captain A. He's thanking other people for listening to him this weekend; I understand his need for that and I am not pissed at that. I am pissed that 4 years of being almost the ONLY soundingboard he had is NOT FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED. He's never really taken me for granted, but I was the person who listened to all his ideas, hopes, fears, schemes, thoughts, gaming rants, gaming excitements - I know all about Eve because he spoke about every action he took on that game for weeks on end. I was the person to listen to him for any little thing. When I took an active approach to his ideas, however, he thought I was tearing him down (which I wasn't).

I didn't get the same level of feedback I gave. He couldn't read my papers because I wrote so obtrusely. He couldn't JUST listen to me (but he could not do more than one thing at a time????) I obviously wasn't as interesting as his headspace was.

And it's not so much the listening thing that pissed me off; it's indicative of the greater arch of Captain A behavior. HE DOES NOT GIVE WHAT HE EXPECTS TO GET FROM OTHER PEOPLE. He simply doesn't get the clue that you get what you give out, and can't understand why his brother or friends sometimes pull away from his ideas or conversation. He is not cooperative, though he thinks he is.

Gah. I'm ticked. I'm furious. I've got to calm down.

To hell with it. If anyone reads this that wants to start trouble, this is gist for the mill. I am with Ray. I am his girl. woman. whatever. We were MEANT for each other. It really feels like he's the missing piece to me. He feels the same way. There's still so much we have to work out individually that will make this a challenging relationship. But it is a relationship. We work together. We're not even awkward with each other, though there are situations that may seem that way. The music, the moods, the talking, the connection, the peace we feel with each other. Walking hand in hand; just being together with no expectations other than enjoying each other's company. Granted, this is all very brand new and we're really just getting to know each other. But, for once in MY life, I'm someone's world and he's letting me know this! He's my world and he accepts this!

I'm happy, even though I've got to work on a lot of things in my life to be able to make this work - kids and baggage and job and living arrangements. He's got his things to handle too; this brings to mind the Depeche Mode song "Shake The Disease".

It feels right. It feels like I've come home. I feel like I've found the person I've been looking for. and he tells me the feeling is mutual. Dear goddess, let this be real and lasting. I'm afraid.

It will soon be time to change my MS status. I just wish there was a way to say "not single, not looking, fuck off" until I can announce I'm in a relationship again.

Somos amantes. Ni en suenos pensaba que iba ser como fue esta noche. Ave maria, que sensual! y nos dormimos abrazados, sudando, cansados y contentos. Y todavia, queda mas - porque aunque somos amantes, no se ha consumido completamente. Estuvimos nerviosos - diablo, YO, timida! Nunca! pero con el, si; sus ojos de nenito y su sonrisa de angel son tesoros de mi memoria. Me lo quise comer de pie a cabeza. Quise abrazarlo y cariciarlo y besarlo tiernamente. Me latia el corazon como un ataque de corazon; me quede sin respiracion cada vez que me besaba. Y le gusta besar. Aye, diosa, si pudiera describir su carita amante! Y me dice, despues, en chat: nunca pensaba yo que ibas a ser tal maravilla, entendida y que eres mi novia! Que suerte tengo! me dice el.

Se lo merece. Le quiero dar todo lo que pueda, pero tengo que dar pasitos pequenos; son muchas los obstaculos que tengo al frente mio antes de quedarme libre para amarlo.

I wrote in spanish for the gossipmongers, if any reads this, not to have a feast.