Such lonely eyes, so sad
a little boy looks through
scared and hoping for love
Shadowed by warpaint
beneath fierce headdresses
a challenge to the world
on your own terms

those eyes aren't sad anymore
they laugh and smile
a man shines through
loving and loved, vivid
so proud, bold, fierce
warpaint no longer shadows
but brings it forth
Bright happy eyes
alive and in love

such a sweet shy smile
almost masked by intimidating face
but it did not make me quail
I saw the smile, I saw the eyes
they called me. I came to be
the yin to your yang
I am for you.
You called me princess
you called me love
I call you my world
you are my soul.

time stops at your glance
if only it could last forever
the moments I spend with you
in your arms I am home
shared and whole
when I'm with you
who'd've thought
I'd find you, finally
where I'd never think to look
or hope. you were there.
You are here in my heart
filling my senses
always on my mind.
You are everything
all I ever wanted
more than I hoped to have
I love you.
You are my Oddity.

there is no one like him in my entire experience. I will move heaven and earth to be with him. He wrote this:

oUR DREAM oUR LOVE Current mood: adored

bACK TO THE CENTER OF WHO I NEVER WAS
yOU LOOKED INSIDE AND SAW EVERYTHING

mY TEARS mY LOVE mY FEARS mY DREAMS

iN THIS EMBRACE WE FEEL A HEARTBEAT
i CAN FEEL ALL YOUR PAIN AND YOU MINE

oUR SCARS oUR HOPES oUR ENDURANCE

iNSIDE THIS FAIRYTALE THAT WE CREATE
tWO MISFITS BECOME A BEAUTIFUL PAIR

tHIS LOVE INSIDE OF US WILL NEVER DIE

tHIS pASSION tHIS FEAR tHIS INFATUATION
tHIS IS ALL WE WANTED tHIS ADDICTION

oUR DREAM nO TEARS oUR LOVE nO FEAR

gIVE ME YOUR SCARS gIVE ME YOUR HAND
iT TOOK FOREVER NOW WE ARE COMPLETE

iNSIDE A RING OF FIRE OUR HEARTS BURN

lOOK INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

WE SEE FOREVER


there aren't words to describe the feeling I carry inside, the joy, the happiness that brims over in tears. Sometimes I fear I am being obsessive; I read too much into it. And then he writes like that, and I know he feels the same way - though he's better at controlling it's outward manifestation in public!

he is my other half, and I feel so empty when I'm not by his side. We have full lives, busy, intricate and full of friends and loved ones. But no matter what happens, when I'm next to him, life glows.

It is a delicious, amazing feeling to be loved like I love, to have that back. I am listening to Surrender, by Angels & Agony, and the first part of the lyrics go:

You know how long I've waited
For you to come this far
You don't know how long I've waited
To see the stars
You don't know how long I've waited
To see the stars
You don't know how long I've waited
To love you as you are

Open your eyes
Open your heart
Use no disguise
Surrender to me

He posted it on his myspace page.

The next song is called Run To You by Code 64:

I don't know why it feels right
A burst of emotions made me realize
That I should carry on
More graceful than the stars above
You have touched my very soul
Under the clear blue sky
I will run as fast as I can
Far away from all of this
I've been waiting for ages
To hear the sound of your voice
I will try as hard as I can
To get away from all of this
I need to see you
And I'm running out of time
My heart cries out for mercy
A burst of emotions made me realize
That I should try harder
And as the scenery pass by
I realize that I'm losing time
Under the clear blue sky

Next song on his profile: Miss you More by De/Vision:

Will I be here endlessly
Without a firm sense of identity
In a world that left me cold and empty
In a world that left me cold and empty
I'm about to lose my hold
Come alive and take me far
So alive come take me far and near
'cause the morld will leave you cold and empty
'cause the world will leave you cold and empty
I'm about to lose control
Won't you come alive
And take me down your trail
Hold me close before it's too late
Come alive and lead me all the may
(I miss you more than home)
Hold me close before it's too late
When your colors start to fade
All your colors fade away I pray
That your love
Won't keep me cold and empty
That your love
Won't leave me cold and empty
I'm about to lose my hold.

Next is Memories by namnambulu:

All the things were going through
Let me know when it is over
I have never felt this way
I’m marked with scars that won’t recover

I have always wanted you
Will I ever be returning
Now that I’m away from you
I feel the desperation’s burning

The war has lasted for so long
We’ve all forgotten how it started
I don’t remember right or wrong
I only know that we were parted

All the loving memories
All the time we spent together
It will stay for centuries
Our souls will last forever

I’ll await the days ahead
to make sure that I’ll be with you
And when the sky is turning red
Another day has past without you

I’ll avenge for what I’ve missed
and no one will be trying to stop me
And if there’s no one to assist
I’ll still fight for memories of thee

I feel ... indescribable. I love him so very much. There's nothing like him anywhere.

I am having a panic attack. It's a combination of driving and talking religion, which I know I should never do, especially with a Born Again.

I am shaking on the inside and feel trembly. I parked again and again until I could figure out what I'm doing wrong. Now I have to practice until I do it right.

I hate this feeling, this trembly, frightened, painful feeling. It hurts across my shoulders and down my arms. My hips and chest are tight. I can't stop shaking. And my thoughts are going a million miles an hour. I feel like my heart is racing and stopping.

I'm at work and I will make it through the day. I will not fall apart. I have to function.

I hope I calm down.

I have an image of him. Sated, face glowing, eyes closed, in bed, his pale skin against deep red sheets. Arms above his head, relaxed, he opens his eyes slowly to look at me and it feels like the sun's rays, warming me as they clear the horizon. His lips curve to give me a smile, gentle and loving. He seems like an angel to me. The look in his eyes is all love, a soft avowal, a tender embrace, and then with his hands he beckons me back to his side, to lie in his arms, his mouth against my hair, my face pressed into his chest. I can hear the beating of his heart. I close my eyes and relax into his arms, the moment forever engraved in my heart. He whispers he loves me and I feel my emotions skyrocket, a million lights bursting in my heart, my mind a cacophony of his words and my feelings.

There is nothing like that moment.

sitting here listening to carlos gardel tangoes instead of focusing on my paper. Thinking of my dad, and my son, and wondering what will happen. Some people go their entire lives without drama. I can't go six months.

Oddity sent me a Pon and Zi today, one giving a tacklehug to the other. I wonder how it will be when we are closer, and/or together. I'm betting we'll get tired of each other's company; how do people stay together?

I think we can... it takes work.

tired. can't wait to see oddity tomorrow. even if for a few, only a few, alone hours. but it's enough. just enough to touch him, kiss him, breath him in.

gah, i'm a teenager again.

This, I believe, was for me, posted on the lonely hearts forum:

THIS MOMENT Posted: Apr 1, 2009 1:00 AM
Asleep, inside our dreams of hope and fear
the stars twinkle while the moon passes by
We clench the blanket tighter
it’s like we live and breathe in a cocoon
And how could i leave you without words
while tears stream onto your pillow
This moment is ours and forever
even when we can’t be wrapped together
So we sleep and hope for happy dreams
with the thoughts of sunshine on our faces
When the birds sing the morning song
the start of a new day discovers us
Know that i think of you this moment
My heart, My love, My sunshine

And this one, though not for me, is fucking great - posted on the gothic industrialist forum:

HARSH (Ghost Dance) Posted: Apr 1, 2009 1:13 AM
Within these white peeling walls
the lights dim and we are dark.
I can hear the buzzing quiet
just before the first drum sound.
The electro beats of my heart
signal my body to let loose.
The ghosts around me join in
and the harsh stomping begins.
Lights flash changing color to white
as our eyes close we are lost.
The funeral procession pulses
breathing life we mesh together.
Even those white eyes who look on
want to join the harsh ghost dance.
We live while others die tonight

my dad's in the hospital with pneumonia - left lung phlegm buildup. They thought it was the flu last tuesday. They may release him tomorrow. He's 76.

I just found out my children's paternal grandparents have also suffered setbacks. My ex husband's mother is a wonderful woman; I love her very much. She suffers from diabetes (seriously undertreated) and cut her foot.....

My exhusband's father is not a man I care for particularly, but he is my children's grandfather. He suffered a stroke yesterday in Puerto Rico, and the @&%(*@)@ hospital sent him home. SENT HIM HOME!!!! my sister in law had a fit and is now on her way to bring him to the states to take care of him. Ultimately, the family he abandoned is the family who will love him and take care of him. I hope he appreciates it.

My kids are very unhappy. My son did not go to class; instead, he called in and sits with his sisters; they are all crying. Both grandfathers and one grandmother in the hospital and my poor mother is trying her best not to worry. My mother would have not called me if she didnt think it was serious. I haven't spoken to my brothers; tomorrow evening, when we find out what my dad's status is, is enough time to talk to them and find out what this may entail.

And I'm alone, talking to this blog, because there's no one I can talk to. I can face my parents' eventual passing; it's the storm after that that I am afraid of. As always, in the face of severe emotional crap, I stand alone. C'est la vie.

Oddity sent that to me. Today. My head is spinning and my heart is singing and I feel like I'm on top of the world.

My eldest called me today. She had a psychotic break last night. Several things played into this: breaking up with a boyfriend who is moving to wisconsin for school, mooncycle, drinking and frustration at work/home situations. She needed to talk to me.

I find it interesting that we are both suffering lows. She is seeking help; she has called the hospital and will take half dose of Seroquel tonight.

When we have psychotic breaks, we are manic, extremely so, and engage in wild, violent or excessive behavior. We also hallucinate. Unfortunately, we remember everything, and we hit bottom very hard - we say we crash, because the fall from the manic stage is abrupt and hard. If we don't seek help at this stage, we can start to rapidly cycle - i've lost jobs and apartments this way - or become so depressed as to be suicidal - my mom and I and my daughters have been 'institutionalized' for anywhere from two days to a month for this, in our experience.

We feel shame, guilt, despair and everything feels like it is caving in on us. Literally. I am proud of my eldest; she sees it for what it is and is getting help. In this job market, being bipolar is a dangerous thing. No one understands how dysfunctional this chemical imbalance can make a person who can appear lucid and very intelligent. and no one cares.

I am, unfortunately, struggling with the downswing of bipolar syndrome. It's not severe but it can get ugly.

sticking point with oddity is the fact I'm a loner. Last night we had it out again.

This morning, he posted this as a bulletin:

WE'LL BE SHADOWS IN THE SUNRISE

tHESE HANDS ON YOUR HEAD
PULLING FEELINGS OUT AGAIN
WHY DOES'NT ANYONE LISTEN
WHEN YOU EXPLODE IN FRONT OF THEM

THIS PEACE CANNOT FIND QUIET
YOU CAN SCREAM AND NOBODY HEARS
THESE WORDS TRY TO TOUCH YOUR HEART
TRYING TO FIND YOUR SMILE PLEASE

THIS INTERNAL CONFUSION RAGE
CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING
WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT
HOPE YOU DREAM OF RAINBOWS AND THE SUN

AND ALL THIS WHILE YOU WANT LOVE
YOU FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING
THERE IS DESIRE INSIDE YOUR HEART
DON'T EVER RUN AWAY AGAIN

THESE DEMONS FROM OUR PAST
IT'S SO HARD TO RUN AWAY FROM THEM
THERE IS THE SUN BEHIND THE CLOUDS
IT'S WAITING TO FIND YOUR SMILE BRIGHT

AND WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO RUN TO
YOU CAN ALWAYS RUN RIGHT TO ME
WE'LL BE SHADOWS IN THE SUNRISE
WHEN WE HOLD EACH OTHER LIKE A DREAM


all I can do is cry.

He's done it again. He's managed to rock my world with his words and need me the way I need him. I love that man, my Oddity. I want to be there for him; he needs me. He loves me.

"hearts at a distance

Sunshine morning thinking of you
my heart awakens from a dream.

Just how will i get thru another day
when you are too many miles away.

TOY is a message we hold dear
when all we want is to hold each other.

One day our dreams will unfold
as we rise up to each day together.

Counting each day one at a time
sifting thru day dreams and at night.

My heart is beating for that moment
when our hearts will be beats apart.

This love grows stronger we know
even though we are hearts at a distance.

You are my friend, my heart and my soul
like a dream that i never want to end."


Today, I had my first official driving lesson. And then had a meltdown and went manic. I called to work and they gave me an hour leeway, and I walked the railtrail up and down listening to Cocoon by Assemblage 23 until I calmed down.

"Even though I know it's only chemical
These peaks and valleys are beginning to take their toll
Try to convince myself that all it takes is time
But the most derisive voice I hear is mine

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon

There is thunder in the distance and the sky grows gray
There is lightning in the clouds in search of prey
It's not a matter of if as much as when
The clouds will break and the rainfall will begin

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon

Cracks in the chrysalis spread out like tiny snakes
That hiss a litany of rumors and mistakes
But I'm afraid their cause is fraught with futility
There is nothing more that they can take from me

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon"

for some reason I am circling the abyss again. I feel like things are about to fall apart in my life. or they are flying away at the perimeters. I thought that sort of feeling was long gone, with my past, when I was unstable.

I am not unstable. While my life is heading for change - moving to another city, new job, online schooling, a recession turning into a depression and making all of the above possibly moot - it is not a depressing thing. I believe I can survive a depression - my kids, I don't know and I fear for them, but that is every parent's nightmare. but this shouldn't trigger what I am feeling now.

It is not as acute as it was when I was younger. I don't feel like I'm headed, screaming and kicking, towards oblivion. but headed it feels I am.

I am walking my path and suddenly there is nothing to the right of me but space and nothing to the left of me but rock and the path has become treacherous - and yet, I can navigate it, I know I can, but the abyss is right there, reminding me it's been waiting a very long time for my company.

I don't think it's very friendly. It pokes and steals the path bit by bit. It taunts and jeers and flays open my fears and my shames. Strangely enough, however, it is not getting the panic I felt in the past. This gives me hope. It is the echo of mental illness and I am hoping it echoes due to distance, not due to enclosure.

No one would understand this. I'll watch my path and move on with my plans and be open to change and hope that I don't fall into the abyss' cold open arms.

I wish I could tell Capn A why is it I fell out of love with him. I love hugging him and helping him and being near him; but it really feels it's all about him. He needs validation, but truly doesn't see that others close to him need it just as much as he wants it.

I know why he needs/wants validation and its not a stupid reason. It's very very valid and I wish that I were selfless enough to give it to him and have stayed his girlfriend. But I also need validation, as a woman and a sexual creature, as an intelligent person and as a friend. That was missing.

you know why I can't tell Capt A anything? He won't listen, because he says I always bring it around to me. Well, I'm friends with two of your girlfriends, Capn A, and guess what? We agree. It's all about you, and you forget we need too.

lost in thought, i dream of you
the might-be, the possibility
tenacious, tenuous, teeming and trembling
thoughts of me and you.

how could someone wash through me so thoroughly
unexpectedly, suddenly, completely lost
tossed by the waves, adrift and found
in the sea of calm within your eyes?

whispered, swift, silent, sure, wily
Love. so much in so small a word
you fill it, overflow it, fit it,
make it real, alive, a wonder, my world.

images of you in every blink - seated
standing, laughing, poking, scowling, angry
tender, sleeping, aroused, calm, intent, intense
eager, hesitant, you. all you.

you surround my senses, warm my heart
sooth my soul, excite my passion.
Where did you come from?
Never let me go.

Today I have something I have wanted my entire life. I have someone who loves me as I love him, with the same intensity, with the same emotion. He is my other half.

He wrote the below.

"When was, or when would be the time you met or meet someone who you knew is right for you in almost every way ?

For me, i have met that person. My other half. i don’t have to explain very many things, we seldom fight or argue amd disgreements are short lived and learned. I can be myself, at the opposite end of the room, and still feel something as well as an individual. This took me a long time. It was very random and uncanny that neither of us were looking for this."

When Oddity came to meet me on Saturday, he turned to kiss me outside the comic book store and I was caught unawares.... like I didn't expect him to kiss me. I was both surprised and wondered why I was surprised. When he took leave of me Sunday, it was the same. Why was I surprised that he kissed me (and so much, too!)? Is it that someone to show me such affection publicly is alien to me?

I am obsessed with him, but not dangerously so. but it's like a drug; I can't get enough of seeing him, reading him, hearing him, and when I'm with him, I want to feel him near, touch him all the time, breath in his skin and eyes and everything. When I'm with him, I do feel like I'm complete, whole. Every time we say goodbye, it's like a physical tearing away of a member of my body.

I love to see him smile. I love his eyes. I love to sleep with his arms around me (and he always does that!) even though it makes my neck hurt a little, because I'm close to him. I can hear his heart beat (and he can feel mine). I love the way his feet curve, the classic high arch. I love his legs and his posterior. I love his chest and his arms. I love to play with his hands. Love his nose and the curve of his head.

Okay, yea, I know I'm obsessed. Focused, that I prefer. I love that he holds me in public, and reaches back to take my hand (!!!!! who's ever done THAT for me???) and is proud to introduce me - and he talks about me! Like I do about him! (head whirls) I want to be near him. Yes, I even want, hope, that one day I'll carry his name. I would like to keep him, please? Pissy moods and all?

I hope we can work out as we get older just being with each other. It's alot to ask, I know. I'm just so happy around him.

this.. is for me. Odity wrote this for me.

Saturday, February 21, 2009 forever
this time is forever
and forever is now
and you are here
here by my side
hand in hand
your heart is near
next to mine
two hearts
beating as one
like it's forever
and this is love
wider than a smile
just can't express
how happy i am
now and forever
9:29 AM

I miss him. I'm just away from him since 11:30am and I miss him. I see a photo of him and I want to reach into it and touch him, smell him, feel him around me. I wait by the computer until he shows up online. I'm pretty pathetic.

I physically miss him too. I want to feel his skin, his chest, his breath, his arms, his kiss, everything.

His brother didn't expect me to be so feminine. That's a nice compliment, but what did he expect his brother to date???

I ache; my heart hurts 'cause I want to be around him. We can't live together yet. I need to live on my own. I don't know if Sallie Mae will approve my loan, but if they do, schooling is going to take up my time and it's not going to be easy. Paralegal studies is HARD as hell.

I just want to be near him.