She's My Addiction - Third Realm
Inject your life in me/Set the vein so silently/Speak the works that make me cry/Say our love will never die//Skip the days to live the nights/Burn the candles, kill the lights/Soul inside reveals the need/shows the world our love will bleed (line 3x)//(chorus) My meaning of life/My dark affliction/She's better than fiction - She's my addiction (2x)//And this addiction cuts like a knife/it loves to watch me bleed(4x)

Last night not only did the dj (you rock, Kiltboy) play hardass industrial (and somehow, even gave me a moshpit to So What... FUCKING A!!!) he also played Afterhours for me (which I 'sang' to Oddity) and some of what Oddity asked him to. It was a great night.. my throat still hurts and let's NOT get into what my body feels like!

Ah, but some of the memories of last night are so very pleasant. They kept me warm last night. I must have looked like a fool last night, flailing about; but it was great.

Songs for the breakup: Deeper Than the Usual Feeling; Angel One; Poison - all Beborn Beton stuff recently acquired. And I kept running into other songs that remind me of Capt A and the night I told him I no longer loved him. Ouch.

Life's Great Adventure... let's see what happens. I'm hopeful and scared.

I miss him. He's still in the same room and I miss him. He was my best friend as well as my lover. I wanted so badly to marry him. And now I miss the closeness.. but I know I was going to cheat on him. It's horrible. I hate emotions.

And he's playing the soundtrack from the movie 'Once'. We saw it together. I thought it was very romantic and sad. It made me want to be closer to him. I guess guys don't think that way. I think I felt disappointed that he didn't take that emotion and feed it into me.

I'm buying that album. It will be the memory of him and I. My ex, Capt. A.

It took a while. But I did it. Last night he rolled over and asked me 'Why don't you like me anymore?'. I said 'I like you well enough; I just don't love you anymore.'

I wanted to retract those words. Perhaps the night before the start of the work week was not the right time. But as it usually is with Capt A, it was the only time I was going to be heard.

I broke the heart of a man that's good and true and loved me. But I won't lead him on, and I'd be lying to myself if I thought I could just hang on a little more. I've completely screwed myself; I've no driving skills, no money, no place to go. I've friends at least and I will never return to NY.

He said, if what it took was to get my wedding ring and marry me tomorrow, he'd do it. He didn't want to lose me. What I had dreamed of, that he would ask me in front of his friends at the Summer Extravaganza to marry me, he said would have happened this year.

But so much changed this year. He asked me if my going out dancing with those guys - Mohawk Guy and Wierd Eyes - had anything to do with it. Only in that I got the attention and the reinforcement of my ego that I had wanted from him.

No matter what happens, Capt A is, was and will always be the best man I've ever been with. No one has ever done what he's done for me. My karmic debt is going to be killer for this. I start paying it today.

For Oddity:
"When people keep repeating/that you'll never fall in love/When everybody keeps retreating/and you can't seem to get enough/Let my Love Open the Door/Let my love open the door/let my love open the door/to your heart
I've got the only key to your heart/I can stop you from falling apart/Try today to find the way/come on and give me the chance to say
Let my love / Let my love (open the door) to your heart. "
Boy, am I in trouble. I feel like a schoolgirl and then I feel awful. Any which way I look at this it's going to be painful before it's good. And I can't get him out of my head. And it feels so good.

There's a song that's spinning in my head, dates back many years, that seems so apropos now. "Oh it's sad to belong to someone else, when the right one comes along.." I don't honestly know if that sentiment will bear out, but it feels correct. Only time will tell.

I am not a patient person. I want things NOW and fuck the consequences. But I'm older and wiser, and I don't want to hurt people beyond the necessary, and I certainly do not want to burn the bridges I've built. Plus, my impulsiveness can lose me what I want as well as what I hold dear; I see my kids doing that and I cannot be that person any more.

Capt A deserves better; he's been a good man to me. I feel as if I've betrayed him - but I will be unhappy should I betray myself. Someone wrote (and I had it on the wall) if I could betray another to be true to myself. I don't know. I don't know what is true to myself, but I know how I am emotionally and I can be viciously selfish and I won't do that.

I love his family. Hs friends are my friends. I didn't realize I wanted more - not more, different. Not even that. It's as if this path lead to somewhere else, and I didn't expect it to, and now I'm in a quandary.

I have to be alone before I make another leap. I have to prove I can stand alone, and not against someone else. This way, I can hurt only myself.

onward.

Mentioned music as key to what's inside. Mentioned the mess I'm making of my life atm - I'm emotional and right now confused - I'm going to hurt people and upset my life.

She's My Addiction by Third Realm was a very interesting segueway into a song I was starting to obsess over by Beborn Beton, from the Fake Album, named Bodypart.

Look at me - I´m still alive/Believe me - I´m one of your kind/I´m waiting for the night to crawl/You´re twisting my mind/If only could make you feel/The fire that consumes me/Leaves me severely satisfied/Let us pretend you're paralysed//I want you//Take my claws - my flesh runs dry/Relieve me - I feed on your spine/You´re done before the night is gone/You´re doing allright//Give me strength and fill my brains/The power I´ve been losing//I need to seperate your heart/Cause it´s my favourite bodypart//I want you//To be my destiny, my doom/I want you/To be the key to my front room/I want you/To be the dagger in my heart/I want you/To mark the point from where we start/I want you/To be my everlasting torch/I want you/To be the rocker on my porch/I want you/To be the crowbar to my door/I want you/That ain´t enough //'cause I want more

now, lyrics to She's My Addiction...when I've listened to it like 50 million times.

Kicked in the head. I swear.

It's a dark, sort of gloomy Monday. I am at an emotional crossroad and it will take time to move through the morass that is my life atm. I'm listening to music that reminds me of Oddity. Temptation has ceased to be such a temptation. Change is imminent, but it must be propelled by positive change and I've never been very good at that on my own. It has to be on my own, for the rest of it to work. I can't depend on anyone else, because when I do, I feel I owe a debt.

I don't like surprises, but change helps a person grow. It's time for a change. I just wish I didn't have to worry about paying bills. I'll go back to listening to more music for the nonce.

I'm over 40 and I'm still finding myself. Sheesh.

I named this blog Ruby Tuesday, after the song by the Rolling Stones. This song is one of my top favorites. The others are: Elstree by The Buggles, Kiss You All Over by Exile, Roxy Roller by Nicky Glider (or Nikki Gilder). A lot changed from the first entry. And things are still changing. Some are self-propelled and some are not.

A blast from my past contacted me and told me he loved me, that he had loved me since we were teens, 2 years apart almost 30 years ago. I had the most overwhelming crush on him and he left to get married and I would have never guessed that he wanted or loved me. He was afraid of my dad he said; he turned away like everyone else when I got punished for nothing. I went through anger and hate and fury and pity and nostalgia and wishfulness. Now, I'm just angry.

I did not like the reality of my youth or teen years. I hated my life then. I started living when I ran away from home at 17. I screwed up alot, but I lived and don't regret even the pain.

I don't want to hear from anyone else from my past, if they come to try to tell me they cared but couldn't do a thing or lift a finger to assist me when I needed it most. I don't need empty platitudes now; I'm good now. go away.

I am obsessed with this song: After Hours by Covenant from one of the Critical Mass compilations. I don't know why. I love the beat, the way the music flows, the voice in the background - and the words. And none of it together make sense.

I have devils on my mind/And the hour's getting late/There's nothing more to have/I'm waiting for the day/The weeks are passing by/I'm thinking of the days/I want to burn myself again/I want to violate you//I want to violate you/I want you to hurt me again/Oh/I'm never gonna waste your time again/Burn your love tonight/Oh/I'm never gonna waste your time again/We can touch the stars tonight

It's sorta wrong but it strikes me. I've played it over 40 times in the last two days. I just want to play with it in my head and it slips out. I need to hear it constantly. I think I may sit with it playing in a loop in the dark to see what comes out.

I heard Melt with You, Don't Come Around Here Again, and Let My Love (Open Your Heart) today and for some reason they melded with the song above and a Beborn Beton song called Poison. It's wierd and I think it could be a good focal point for a story. I'm going to see how I can get all songs playing together. I'll add Hold Me by Colin Hays and.. yes, the new song about the Fairie Music by Coyote Run. I'll have to find some quiet time to play them all...

It's a stormy sunday afternoon. Marvelously magnificent thunder and lightning. We had to deconstruct Capt. A's dragon shelter at his brother's house in the rain. Hard work, but exhilarating. I love warm weather, even when it rains cats and dogs.

Saturday I went walking with my son, his gf, the dog from the house he boards at, and my dog. My dog is 11 years old and did not even break a pant. That dog is a strong 5yrold pit and 1/4 of a mile in was wheezing. Second-hand smokes fucks with more than just the people; it also harms the pets within the house. That poor dog could not handle the marathon walks we take; as it was, we turned around short of our goal, concerned that this animal would die of asthma or a seizure on us.

When I got home, I treated my perfect pet with the best in the house and then went out to mow the lawn unevenly. I had a ball; I imagined that I was in Vietnam and I was one of the ground crew napalming the undergrowth (I was using the electric weedwhacker because the grass was too high for the manual lawn mower). So I have odd fantasies. I wish I had felt this strong earlier in my life so that I could have been a soldier. Then again, I want to do the male soldiering; I do not want to sit behind a desk. C'est la vie.

When Lord Dragon wooed me, he sent me a song: Alien, by Bush. I can't listen to it today without remembering how wonderful that moment was. When Capt. A was getting to know me, he 'gave' me the song You Are My Kind by Santana and Seal from the album Shaman. When wooing me, music is literally the way to get me completely devoted. So recently, Temptation mentioned 'Night Fever' and of course, I am deliriously happy. And.. recently, a new player on the scene and I were speaking about The Cure and I mentioned that I loved the song One More Time by them. And so he put it up as a note where I could see it.

Yes, you have the right idea. For me, music doesn't calm the savage beast, it brings it out. It makes me feel alive, electric, incredible, indomitable and almost violently affectionate. Give me more music.

Today I glanced through a book to help young victims of sexual abuse and incest. The title had captured my attention - When does the hurting stop, or something like that. It needed one more chapter - on religion. More on that later.

I am a victim/survivor of sexual abuse. The abuse started when I was very little, but it never was the same person. It was more like I was extremely available; I'm betting I was so lonely that I did anything to please people, and some people took advantage of that. Because I loved to read fantasy and scifi, I figured out that I must be a succubus - a demon of sex - because no human I knew suffered this. I learned differently at 15. But even past that, I suspected that the reality was that I was a succubus.

It didn't put me off sex; in fact, one of the psychological scars is a sort of nymphomania - this is the reason people like me, so I'll do it alot and enjoy it. Which I do. I joke that I have a male libido. I know what boys (and men) like. I learned early. Scars on scars that shaped a personality. I know what girls like, too - the abuse was not limited to male predators.

I look back at myself, and at pictures of myself, and wonder. Predators like easy prey; I was not so much timid as very beaten, and easily manipulated. I feared loud voices and blame and would never tell on anyone if I had to back it up with proof. I had a lousy memory of events even as a child - but the memories of episodes of abuse are clear. They are vividly marked with shame and confusion and a sense of wanting to belong and wanting to be free of my family life. they shaped the way I communicated, it seems.

Emotion and the brain works together oddly. I won't remember posing for a picture in my little white indian dress, but I remember playing with the scab on my forehead while someone touched me; I distanced myself but knew what was going on.

The reason the book needed a chapter, however small, on religion is this: abusers either are in positions of authority in any given faith, or hide behind the faith to avoid repercussions. In my case, one of the abusers returned constantly to the faith of my parents and claimed his innocence or his contrition and was allowed access to children - including my own. One day, at a religious gathering, his wife spoke of how loving he was to her niece and how his son was a scumbag because he had been accused of fondling a little girl. I walked out shaking, in tears, furious. She carried on about how her niece spends hours with him in his bedroom and with the same breath, cursing his son (who was frankly just another victim of this man). My parents were aghast at my rudeness, and it was all I could do NOT to strangle that stupid bitch who defended this monster. I made it a point to never speak to her again. The religion defended this man, over me; I had to forgive, and this man had access to more children. Needless to say, I have never return to this religion. I hate all organized religion; nary a one has proven to defend a child against sexual abuse, or back a woman in her time of need against an abuser. I was left out in the cold, figuratively. And what kept me warm? That, yes, I was a succubus and I was happy in seducing men (and sometimes women). I embraced it, as a reaction to this horrifying hypocrisy my parents and their faith displayed.

But the scars remain, and in answer to the title of the book, the hurting never ends. You just learn to live with it, past it, and watch carefully how it shapes your thoughts, your personality and your life.

If I were to be immortal, my thought is that it would happen this way: I would age, then fall into a coma, as my body rebuilt itself. It would take a few weeks, in which doctors would be scrambling to find out what is wrong with me. Then they would realize my telomeres are rebuilding, and that my body demands more sustenance. This would come to the attention of the muckitymuks that study strangeness and hold it for government need to know. So when I awoke, basically I'd be in debt to the government. No problem. They would study me; in turn, I would be physically retrained (after all, the body may remember, but muscles still atrophy without use). Then I would try to bargain; I'll work and stay the government's secret in exchange for a tour of duty as a Marine (including boot camp) and schooling in various languages and countries - I would spy for them, me with my dark little self looking more like a servant than a diplomat.

I daydream about this; the chance to relive my life, my way. It's great fodder for all sorts of fantasies I could not even think of living now. And it's a nice escape.

"Last night I had the strangest dream..." Break My Stride, Matthew Wilder

I was working in a deli or something in Brooklyn. Two guys came in to deliver meats; one guy I started horseplaying with and was instantly in lust with him. So much so, that I rode their van back through Brooklyn - it was a passenger van as well as a delivery van(?) and the characters they collected were wild. There was a punker with a varicolored mohawk, a butch gangbanger, motorcycle thugs of both genders, people so different and wierd and outside the mainstream and really really close in portrayal to some of my actual friends. Even as I was cataloging the people, the overriding thought was, I have to fuck this guy. I have to have him.

With this in mind, somehow I got off the van, and realized my mistake. So I start running to beat the van to where it's going. I go to all fours and run, like if I'm a bear or something. I thought it was strange and should have been painful, but it wasn't; it was like if I had turned into a beast. Soon I hit an area that I could take either through a park or through a partially abandoned block entirely surrounded by apartment buildings. I chose the abandoned buildings, but came to a spot where I remember having been through before and gotten messy, and I didn't want to get messy. I wanted to sleep with this guy and creepy crawlies and spider webs weren't part of that equation. So I backed out and found one of the still pristine and lived-in apartment buildings and encountered a dog.. and it seems I was a dog too and it wasn't a problem. Then I turned back to myself and the owner of the dog was confused but didn't seem to connect the two. I went in and through and out the other side. This was a busy commercial street, full of stores and bistros and outdoor vendors and such like. I saw the italian deli the guy worked in and marked it for a return, and realized that the building I came out of was the office of my therapist and I had an appointment today. Okay, but I wanted to explore the street abit.

I went up the street towards a place that sounded like they were playing jazz music, and at the keyboard was a familiar figure. He looked like my ex boyfriend, Lord Dragon - and when he turned around, it was him! I wondered briefly if he would acknowledge me and he called out to me and asked for a hug, which I gladly did, thinking all the while 'I'm in his arms again! I'm touching him again!'. His wife was there, and she and I started talking as the sun set. Then the lights went out - a blackout - and it seemed to be limited to the four blocks of the commercial district. So we went back to their place to hang a bit and talk; I had removed my bra and had mentioned that I needed to put it back on again, but lost it in their laundry (I was helping with laundry). I never found it. I did find that my feelings for my Lord Dragon changed as I hung out there; at one point, he was discussing a deal with another woman and asked her where were the goods, as there would be no contract without the goods. He didn't sound much like I remembered him, but I figured that age and marriage would do that.

And then I realized that I had missed my therapy appointment. And woke up.

Things in this dream bothered me very much; the lust, the turning into an animal, the eagerness to see Lord Dragon. I remember vividly going through the 'malesa' - the overgrowth and the spiderwebs and the abandoned buildings abutting the solid good buildings full of people and thriving business. I remember vividly the setting sun and the way the street went golden, then umber, and the sudden extermination of the lights during the blackout. I remember running and crouching to run on all fours, thinking, this should hurt and slow me down, but it is not - I'm fast. I vividly remember the lust for the guy I was horseplaying with. I remember the horseplay was rather violent, too.

If I were to analyze my dream based on my current situation, I'd say that the whole lust thing is quite in keeping with what's going on with Temptation and my Capt A and the new Oddities beseiging my libido. The animal part would seem to indicate that either I think it's an animal thing, or it is a primal base desire manifesting. The lust, that is.

The whole Lord Dragon thing? He's about the same body type and size as Temptation, so I suppose I was referring the past and the present desire. Going through the 'malesa' and remembering doing it before would mean that I've been in this mess before and I should learn from it - and considering I did NOT continue the pursuit, I'm sure I was telling myself to turn off.

That's it for now. Meanwhile, I'm feeling, like I'm several people.

So Temptation may have fallen in love - not with me, but with a much more eligible young woman, which means that I'm off the hook (my ego may feel a little slighted) and that better things are in store for Temptation and I won't have to DEAL with temptation! I can go back to my safe if rather vanilla lovelife.

I like that Temptation may find the "L" word; he certainly deserves it. I'm excited - sort of like a schoolgirl who's best friend is having exciting adventures. I want to hear all about it and live vicariously through it - falling in love! So unexpectedly! So out of the Blue! He wasn't even looking - and I'm betting nor is she. That's fantastic!

I go back to when I met Capt. A (or any number of exes; some of the stories are so romantic!) and while it's the past, it's sweet now, not bitter. Except, of course, for Capt A... who really is wonderful despite being normal. Sort of. :)

Update/Edit: It was an April Fool's prank.. pretty good one, from my pov. So now all systems go. Including TROUBLE. Jesus.

Sometimes I wish I didn't make so many friends. I find it hard to maintain interactions with people. It makes me feel like I lose pieces of myself - no, that's not right. More like, it stresses me to interact. I like interaction on my terms - when I'm ready for it. I guess that's why it's hard for me to maintain friendships. Very few people are allowed to become closer because of this.

I do have friends. I have people I can connect to (some very big surprises, like a girl whom I thought I couldn't get close to turning out to be just the right match for a friendship!) on many levels. I can also make the effort to be a friend to people whose association will be beneficial to me spiritually, emotionally and mentally - like my Capt A's family, whom I love dearly, every last one of them.

I've always said I'm a loner. I find my best moments dancing, or listening to music, or walking on my own, no phone, no conversation other than what's in my head. And yet, there are times I crave a friend's company. Few and far between to be sure, but they are there. So I don't despair too much about my inability to handle the stresses of friendship... my true friends wait it out and know to work around it.

Warm weather wakes up my libido. And I've already got an overly active one. Physical exercise is another libido riser - so guess how I feel when I am dancing my ass off. The only time I am not in the mood is in the mornings, when I wake up. Of course, this is when men feel the urge.

When I wake up, it's a new day. I want to savor my new day. I want to go over my dreams, or the impressions thereof. I want to enjoy the lingering pleasure of sleep as I move into the waking world. I want to orient myself in the now, to feel myself in that moment of waking. I find I work very hard NOT to resent that someone puts their arm around me, or holds me, or wants to get frisky. After all, I won't say no.

But I don't want sex in the mornings. I want sex in the afternoons, especially the hot hazy lazy days of summer. I want sex before I sleep because it calms me down and keeps me warm in the winter. Weekends are made for sex - except for the mornings, when we awake without the benefit of alarms, a thoroughly hedonistic luxury. A little tickle when we get home from work - that's dreamy, fantastic.

I want sex when I'm listening to my music - or to music playing elsewhere that taps into my soul. I want sex when I go hiking, or walking, or shopping.... well, not at THAT moment, but when we get home.

But I can't seem to shake his need for morning sex, and I can't seem to get him to enjoy afternoon delights. Ah well.

I wonder what would the psychology behind what emotions and memories songs trigger and how divergent one from the other can be would look like.

"Baker Street" by Gerry Rafferty always seemed such a poignant, bittersweet sad yet upbeat song. It reminds me powerfully of a story I read (and I also think I saw on "Twilight Zone") about a man in a room. He is looking at his duffle bag. His entire life is in that duffle bag. As the story progresses, you realize you're seeing the past and the present - the present contains a woman he loves, who loves him back. His past involves traveling, wandering - never staying in one place, seeing so many different things. He's not young, but he's not old.

As you read/watch, you realize that his past is longer than his age; that his age is indeterminate - in fact, he doesn't remember how old he is. He realizes that he's been wandering since.. before the Great War - no, that's now World War I. He looks at the mirror at a man who's too young to have lived through all that his memories show him. He remembers a young man - himself - packing that same duffle bag, shouting at his parents, telling them that he'll never come back home - he'd rather wander the earth. Wander the earth. He cursed himself; he'd never go home.

He realizes that he has started packing unconsciously. He tries to stop but can't; the urge to move on possesses him. He looks up to see the woman come in. She looks at the bag, looks at him, and nods - and goes to her closet, picks out a bag and starts packing essentials in it. She is not a prissy woman, but a strong woman, with a love strong enough to face a wandering future. He sobs, trying to tell her, but she says she already knew; she had known from the first day, when she realized he was nothing like anyone else she knew. And, she would follow him to the ends of the earth. She would be, in any way, his home, wherever that may be.

Every time I read the variants to this story (or it could have been the same story, I don't know; I've read it several times throughout my life) I cry. I want to be that man, or love a man like that enough to pull up roots and travel. And every time I hear "Baker's Street" it's as if it is a paean to that man, to the Wanderer.

Songs that are close to that theme are: Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp; Babe I'm Leaving, by Styx; Heard it in a Love Song by The Marshall Tucker Band; Sail On by The Commodores; Sailing by Christopher Cross; Cool Change by Little River Band; obviously The Wanderer by Donna Summer and many of the lonely city and streetwalker rock songs of the 60s - 90s. But none ever evoked so forcefully the loneliness and the hope of that story as did Baker Street.

I like "Jojo" and "Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs, but they have always evinced, in me, a visceral reaction not in keeping with their subject matter or genre. I know the feelings are connected to what I had been reading during the time I first heard those songs - and I remember the book. It was "Yargo" by Jaqueline Susann. So, the feelings these songs instill is that of an alien love/sex thing.

I never said I was normal.

I love my Captain A. But sometimes, vanilla isn't my flavor (as in, I'm a freak). And so, I've somehow run into a very strange and interesting oddity that I will just name Temptation. Temptation enough to drag me from retirement as Goddess of Lust and Sexual Entanglements.

Now, I thought I could be tempted before, but it didn't pan out. This time.. this time all the opps are there, all the music, all the physicality. And this is purely physical. Mindblowingly so. Enough for me to really be afraid, that this time, I'll blow it.

I like having boytoys. I like that the boytoy knows what music flips switches inside me. But you know, I want to keep what I have now - a stable, true, honest Capt. A that won't lie to me or cheat. And here I am playing 'footsies' of a sort with someone who's making my libido do contorsions with a wink. Who is NOT Capt. A!!!

How can I teach or get Capt. A to play with me? Ah.. that is a question. Ah well.

Meanwhile, I'll enjoy the attentions of Temptation and work very hard at keeping it at arm's length. Maybe.

Back to Boz Scaggs...

I love my boyfriend. But as with any relationship, there are things that irritate me about him.
He is a person that can't seem to be content, but thinks VERY highly of himself. My kids have pegged him as a whiner - constantly complaining.

Now, we all have our moments. His is 24/7. I wish he'd become more selfaware. He worries he will leave no lasting legacy of his time on earth. Well, then do something. He IS a teacher; there is no higher legacy or calling, in my book. But that's not enough for him.

He starts things but really never finishes them. He talks big but there's no followthrough. He's a little like my son, and those qualities in my son he derides constantly.

The most annoying, irritating thing is either his inability to flex with life - the kids will be kids and he shouldn't stay one-tone with them or in his emotions to them - and his inability to treat other people the way he wants to be treated. He forgot that golden rule.

Okay, that's all the ranting. Back to listening to Depeche Mode on my walkman while he listens to movie tunes on his computer - he can play them openly, but let me try any of my music and he bitches all the time about it.

crap.