Not driving SUCKS. But every time I think of how much money I will NEED to make to be able to drive, it frightens me. How do people do it?
What with the price of gas and insurance and the cost of a car, you're paying almost as much as you would for rent. So hypothetically, 400 a month for a car, 500 for rent. Then you have utitilties. Depending on the season, 100 for electic and heat if your rent doesn't cover it (NYC it didn't; PA not sure), 50 for cable, 75 for phone, perhaps 30 for water (not always in apartment living). Then there's food. For one person (me, for instance) that's about 300 a month. Then there's the buying of the household essentials - cleaning supplies, toiletries, clothing, shoes, coats, hats, gloves, et al. If you wear contacts, add 50 a month to that. If you don't have a washer/dryer, add another $100 a month to that.
So, to make ends meet, you'd have to make almost 3000 a month. Viable, IF YOU HAVE A CAR. A Catch-22. NY, this would be poverty level.
How do I move up from not having a car?
Friday
Thursday
Written to Damned Prayers' PlayList - www.myspace.com/damnedprayers
I stopped envying people who had idyllic childhoods - where the parents were loving and life was wonderful and you dream about those halcyon days of youth.
I HATED MY CHILDHOOD. I lived in a dreamworld of my making because my reality sucked. My parents were together because they had committed adultery - I'm sure they loved each other, but the fighting and the backbiting and the hoops they jumped through for each other and that fucking religion that shadowed our lives overcame any love they could show.
We were poor. But not as poor as both my parents had been as youths; that was poverty of the kind you fear in the very core of your being. My parents strove to provide us with some material stability so that we would neve go hungry as they did, or have to work at the ages they did. But on the flip side, it was awful.
We weren't really allowed friends, because friends of the 'world' was anathema to the religion. And friends within the religion could turn on you, because everyone was a backbiting bitch. My parents had very few friends. They were loners either by choice or circumstance. So we grew up as loners.
I loved attention and loved to dance. Unfortunately, I was the first child of their sin, and I know that colored how they treated me. I was the eldest, and I was female. I was both responsible for my younger brothers and less than they were. I was worthless and easy to punish. Sensitive, every word found it's mark and it hurt for years. And lets not get into the scars on my body; the physical manifestation of the determination to train me to the long and narrow. Which obviously, if you know me, didn't work all that well.
Dancing was nipped in the bud. My natural exuberance was twisted somehow. Taken advantage of by predators and unfortunate circumstances, I became what my dad called me - worthless, a slut, a whore, a prostitute. I own those names, because they were mine, it seemed.
I believed I was a succubus. I read two languages very early; I loved to read. It was my escape, and it peopled my dreamworld. And I read about succubi and incubi and knew, without a doubt, that this was what I was. And so my exuberance was channeled into something dark.
I was afraid of everything. My parents weren't a comfort. My own body rebelled against me and rejected everything put it in. I was a contantly sick child. My mother says I was a good child until I grew up; because I was a broken child inside (background: And One, Sometime). They were stunned to find out about the predators within their own midst and never thought to really believe me. How could they? They were trapped in their own hell, and this was the only way they knew to be.
My idyllic memories were the times spent away from my family. The everpresent fear of angering my dad (easily done, as dad held lots of anger) was gone; my mom the martyr wasn't around to preach to me. I was free.
When I had kids, I screwed up, and cursed them with the same childhood. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself, and so I left them to my parents. My parents encouraged this distrust and it turned into a disaster for my children.
I don't envy you with lovely childhoods anymore. I don't wish for what you had. I was dealt this card in life and it has made me who I am. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I was broken inside and still survived.
I'd rather be an adult, and aging, and where I am in life, than ever return to those memories or that life again. I will enjoy my present and my future, and retreat into my dreamworld when I desire reprieve. Enjoy the present with me as well.
I stopped envying people who had idyllic childhoods - where the parents were loving and life was wonderful and you dream about those halcyon days of youth.
I HATED MY CHILDHOOD. I lived in a dreamworld of my making because my reality sucked. My parents were together because they had committed adultery - I'm sure they loved each other, but the fighting and the backbiting and the hoops they jumped through for each other and that fucking religion that shadowed our lives overcame any love they could show.
We were poor. But not as poor as both my parents had been as youths; that was poverty of the kind you fear in the very core of your being. My parents strove to provide us with some material stability so that we would neve go hungry as they did, or have to work at the ages they did. But on the flip side, it was awful.
We weren't really allowed friends, because friends of the 'world' was anathema to the religion. And friends within the religion could turn on you, because everyone was a backbiting bitch. My parents had very few friends. They were loners either by choice or circumstance. So we grew up as loners.
I loved attention and loved to dance. Unfortunately, I was the first child of their sin, and I know that colored how they treated me. I was the eldest, and I was female. I was both responsible for my younger brothers and less than they were. I was worthless and easy to punish. Sensitive, every word found it's mark and it hurt for years. And lets not get into the scars on my body; the physical manifestation of the determination to train me to the long and narrow. Which obviously, if you know me, didn't work all that well.
Dancing was nipped in the bud. My natural exuberance was twisted somehow. Taken advantage of by predators and unfortunate circumstances, I became what my dad called me - worthless, a slut, a whore, a prostitute. I own those names, because they were mine, it seemed.
I believed I was a succubus. I read two languages very early; I loved to read. It was my escape, and it peopled my dreamworld. And I read about succubi and incubi and knew, without a doubt, that this was what I was. And so my exuberance was channeled into something dark.
I was afraid of everything. My parents weren't a comfort. My own body rebelled against me and rejected everything put it in. I was a contantly sick child. My mother says I was a good child until I grew up; because I was a broken child inside (background: And One, Sometime). They were stunned to find out about the predators within their own midst and never thought to really believe me. How could they? They were trapped in their own hell, and this was the only way they knew to be.
My idyllic memories were the times spent away from my family. The everpresent fear of angering my dad (easily done, as dad held lots of anger) was gone; my mom the martyr wasn't around to preach to me. I was free.
When I had kids, I screwed up, and cursed them with the same childhood. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself, and so I left them to my parents. My parents encouraged this distrust and it turned into a disaster for my children.
I don't envy you with lovely childhoods anymore. I don't wish for what you had. I was dealt this card in life and it has made me who I am. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I was broken inside and still survived.
I'd rather be an adult, and aging, and where I am in life, than ever return to those memories or that life again. I will enjoy my present and my future, and retreat into my dreamworld when I desire reprieve. Enjoy the present with me as well.
Wednesday
When I love, it's pretty deep. It's strong. I fall hard. And I can be very loyal. But I've had my moments.
So what happened to Capt A? I loved him strong; all his annoying habits, his girth (which really was NEVER a factor; I still find him attractive), his inability to accept anyone else as having reason, whatever it was, I loved him despite it and with it.
What was the reason for my turning away from him? Oddity and Temptation would have NEVER had a chance had it been a year earlier. Even six months earlier would have made a difference.
What happened? I ask myself this every day. I will say, it eroded with the rather offhand comments he made about not wanting to commit, or the rather painful comment about the cable guy he could see me with; I need to be the most important person in your life next to your mother, your brother and your kids, if any. Then there's the lack of interest in sex. I'm sure it wasn't a lack of interest; I'm convinced I simply didn't do it for him. THAT can knock your confidence down low.
I adored him. I doted on him. But I didn't get back the kind of acceptance I gave. There... I accept and he couldn't. That may be a problem with Oddity, but I will give it time. There are other situations that make Oddity a better balance. The sex, for instance (yes, I know, TMI, but this is my private blog and I can say what I want). We are the same generation, even if we're from different backgrounds.
And I may be wrong, but Oddity NEEDS someone who will willingly dote on him, who wants to take care of him, who enjoys being his companion no matter what. I listen well; I am patient and I can understand. Even when I can't understand, I will accept. He finds it hard to accept some things, but I attribute it to the life he's lead, which in every aspect was as hard as mine and in many ways, even harsher and more painful.
And.. I know what turns him on. THIS was and still is a big issue with me, for it is tied with my self-confidence, my self-image, my self-perception. 'nuff said on that.
No one else has a chance, however good looking or accomplished or suave or clever or interesting, while I am with Oddity. It is ultimately a choice one makes, and I want to stay with him. It is my choice if I find that the going is not going to result in acceptable ends.
And THAT is gist for another blog, for another time.
So what happened to Capt A? I loved him strong; all his annoying habits, his girth (which really was NEVER a factor; I still find him attractive), his inability to accept anyone else as having reason, whatever it was, I loved him despite it and with it.
What was the reason for my turning away from him? Oddity and Temptation would have NEVER had a chance had it been a year earlier. Even six months earlier would have made a difference.
What happened? I ask myself this every day. I will say, it eroded with the rather offhand comments he made about not wanting to commit, or the rather painful comment about the cable guy he could see me with; I need to be the most important person in your life next to your mother, your brother and your kids, if any. Then there's the lack of interest in sex. I'm sure it wasn't a lack of interest; I'm convinced I simply didn't do it for him. THAT can knock your confidence down low.
I adored him. I doted on him. But I didn't get back the kind of acceptance I gave. There... I accept and he couldn't. That may be a problem with Oddity, but I will give it time. There are other situations that make Oddity a better balance. The sex, for instance (yes, I know, TMI, but this is my private blog and I can say what I want). We are the same generation, even if we're from different backgrounds.
And I may be wrong, but Oddity NEEDS someone who will willingly dote on him, who wants to take care of him, who enjoys being his companion no matter what. I listen well; I am patient and I can understand. Even when I can't understand, I will accept. He finds it hard to accept some things, but I attribute it to the life he's lead, which in every aspect was as hard as mine and in many ways, even harsher and more painful.
And.. I know what turns him on. THIS was and still is a big issue with me, for it is tied with my self-confidence, my self-image, my self-perception. 'nuff said on that.
No one else has a chance, however good looking or accomplished or suave or clever or interesting, while I am with Oddity. It is ultimately a choice one makes, and I want to stay with him. It is my choice if I find that the going is not going to result in acceptable ends.
And THAT is gist for another blog, for another time.
Thursday
I LOVE being busy. Today I'm alone and catching up with emails and phonecalls and everything and LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT. I'm online reading emails and blogging, too, because I prefer to be as busy as possible.
I am standing - have been standing instead of sitting for the last week or so. It hurts less, but my feet aren't happy with me.
Listening to music and wishing the batteries will hold out until I get home!
I am happy - content - satisfied for the nonce. YAY!
I am standing - have been standing instead of sitting for the last week or so. It hurts less, but my feet aren't happy with me.
Listening to music and wishing the batteries will hold out until I get home!
I am happy - content - satisfied for the nonce. YAY!
Wednesday
So wish I could support my granddaughter. I would take her in an instant, put her in the best school in the area, and keep her here with me, where people are human and not horrible beasts as they are in NY.
I've tons of bills. If I do the OT, I don't get to see Oddity. This kills me. But the bills have to be paid.
I should go out more with Suzanne; no money though. :(
No bites on jobs. Not panicking, just frustrated.
I think all I want to do is sleep. and dance. wish my hip were 100%.
I've tons of bills. If I do the OT, I don't get to see Oddity. This kills me. But the bills have to be paid.
I should go out more with Suzanne; no money though. :(
No bites on jobs. Not panicking, just frustrated.
I think all I want to do is sleep. and dance. wish my hip were 100%.
Thursday
Saw a huge featherduster (type of centipede? lives in cellars and basements and bathrooms) in the basement. I like them 'cause they eat cellar crickets... but that was an awful lot of cellar crickets to get that one THAT big!
Spiders all over and me with NO camera!!!! Gonna decorate my room - paint the walls a pale blue and hang spiderwebs and spider paraphenalia throughout the room. Want to bring my computer and desk into the room so I can watch movies.
Want to see my daughter; no way to get to her lately. And my weekends are getting full suddenly. I'm hoping my moon cycle holds off until at least Saturday afternoon. Best scenario Tuesday morning!
Got Roka by Calexico - I think I like all of Calexico and may want to invest in some albums. I'll see when there's free money how I can do that.
Going to see a movie called "Home" with Tall Cool One this afternoon. It's at York College at the Humanities Building and it's about the meaning of home and the history of baseball and the junction of it at the location where the Sovereign Stadium was built.
I need to ask to leave early tomorrow to catch the bus. I'll not take lunch. I want to see Oddity. I wish I didn't have to go to NY.
Spiders all over and me with NO camera!!!! Gonna decorate my room - paint the walls a pale blue and hang spiderwebs and spider paraphenalia throughout the room. Want to bring my computer and desk into the room so I can watch movies.
Want to see my daughter; no way to get to her lately. And my weekends are getting full suddenly. I'm hoping my moon cycle holds off until at least Saturday afternoon. Best scenario Tuesday morning!
Got Roka by Calexico - I think I like all of Calexico and may want to invest in some albums. I'll see when there's free money how I can do that.
Going to see a movie called "Home" with Tall Cool One this afternoon. It's at York College at the Humanities Building and it's about the meaning of home and the history of baseball and the junction of it at the location where the Sovereign Stadium was built.
I need to ask to leave early tomorrow to catch the bus. I'll not take lunch. I want to see Oddity. I wish I didn't have to go to NY.
Tuesday
Yesterday, a customer called. From Queens. While we were talking, I mentioned my living in NY, as queens is never just 'Queens' but it's various 'hoods, like Forest Hills, or Bellerose, etc. I lived in Flushing for a while. He asked what I missed from NYC and I said the night life. He mentioned latina and I said actually, no - the goth/industrial scene. He was surprised at the age disparity and I mentioned that older goths have already done their piece and fade into the shadows to watch the antics of the younger set.
Then he said hold on, I'm getting a message. Someone from your family, mother? grandmother? was.. for lack of a better word, a bruja? The message is, to return to your youth, to what you loved in yoru youth.
My grandfather, on my mother's side, was a witch, a speaker to the dead. He would do something like that... and if I were to interpret it, he wants me to return to NY. Why?
Needless to say, it was creepy. I felt a chill and the customer asked me if I had felt it.... yea. Creepy.
Guess I should stop avoiding the talking to the granpere. Still, I just don't believe in life after death.
Then he said hold on, I'm getting a message. Someone from your family, mother? grandmother? was.. for lack of a better word, a bruja? The message is, to return to your youth, to what you loved in yoru youth.
My grandfather, on my mother's side, was a witch, a speaker to the dead. He would do something like that... and if I were to interpret it, he wants me to return to NY. Why?
Needless to say, it was creepy. I felt a chill and the customer asked me if I had felt it.... yea. Creepy.
Guess I should stop avoiding the talking to the granpere. Still, I just don't believe in life after death.
I am going to have to stay busy. I get obsessive over my emotional states and this is getting ridiculous. I will chase away the love I want if I can't keep this under control.
I am jealous, why? Because I've suffered in the past. But I have to leave the past behind and just not expect it to all go downhill.
But I do get bitchy about hypocrisy. I have to change, but you don't? Really? I can love you as you are, but you feel that I need to change something because it makes you feel bad... WELL GODDAMMIT SHIT, when do I get to tell you what you do to make me feel bad? When does it MATTER that I feel BAD about something? Don't you dare do to me what Capt A did, set aside my concerns but expect his concerns to be made No. 1.
Do NOT take me for granted.
I am jealous, why? Because I've suffered in the past. But I have to leave the past behind and just not expect it to all go downhill.
But I do get bitchy about hypocrisy. I have to change, but you don't? Really? I can love you as you are, but you feel that I need to change something because it makes you feel bad... WELL GODDAMMIT SHIT, when do I get to tell you what you do to make me feel bad? When does it MATTER that I feel BAD about something? Don't you dare do to me what Capt A did, set aside my concerns but expect his concerns to be made No. 1.
Do NOT take me for granted.
Sunday
I elected to be reserved. I walked to his house and made it there earlier than he did. Then again, he had to stay to close up.
So long as I don't broach the subject, we're okay. I am sensing he understands and on an unrelated topic, stated he does not act 'flirty' with anyone out in public or private. Only w/me.
Nevertheless, I'm going to be the person I normally am. I refuse to go into that hurt/crying jag thing I get into, like some penny novel lovelorn fool, because I expect from someone what I would give.
I know he loves me. I've just been burned too many times. So I'll behave towards the best of results and expect the worst, because that's what seems to happen when I love someone this much.
I'll always be afraid.
"Have you ever loved someone so much that you didn't care what happened to yourself, you just had to be with them? If they look at you, your heart stops... when you feel their breath on your skin it just... aches... Have you ever craved someone so much that... you just don't exist any more?"
Se que tu, Tentacion, entiendes. I did not want to feel that way. I'm 43 years old, for goodness sake! You'd think that this kind of overdone emotion would fade with age. Why can't I do things on an even keel? Why does this have to be how I feel, like a million times more than normal people feel? Gah!
So long as I don't broach the subject, we're okay. I am sensing he understands and on an unrelated topic, stated he does not act 'flirty' with anyone out in public or private. Only w/me.
Nevertheless, I'm going to be the person I normally am. I refuse to go into that hurt/crying jag thing I get into, like some penny novel lovelorn fool, because I expect from someone what I would give.
I know he loves me. I've just been burned too many times. So I'll behave towards the best of results and expect the worst, because that's what seems to happen when I love someone this much.
I'll always be afraid.
"Have you ever loved someone so much that you didn't care what happened to yourself, you just had to be with them? If they look at you, your heart stops... when you feel their breath on your skin it just... aches... Have you ever craved someone so much that... you just don't exist any more?"
Se que tu, Tentacion, entiendes. I did not want to feel that way. I'm 43 years old, for goodness sake! You'd think that this kind of overdone emotion would fade with age. Why can't I do things on an even keel? Why does this have to be how I feel, like a million times more than normal people feel? Gah!
Saturday
Oddity went out with her last night. There may have been other nights she's gone out with him. They're just hanging, but I know she's clingy. He doesn't mind, it seems, unless I'm the one being clingy to someone else. Then he is bothered by this.
I'm doing what he said he'd do. I'm not going to stick around and get hurt again. I'm going to be me; I curtailed my actions so that I would hurt him, but he's not taking my feelings seriously. I'm going to be who I am. He don't like it, he also has to make concessions to stay with me.
I've had enough of people walking over my feelings and not paying attention to my emotions. Fuck you all. I'm out for me.
I'm doing what he said he'd do. I'm not going to stick around and get hurt again. I'm going to be me; I curtailed my actions so that I would hurt him, but he's not taking my feelings seriously. I'm going to be who I am. He don't like it, he also has to make concessions to stay with me.
I've had enough of people walking over my feelings and not paying attention to my emotions. Fuck you all. I'm out for me.
Friday
I did mention that I'm Capt A's best friend. Well, he calls me up - "got a minute?" yea. I always try to for him.
He decided to drive all of Queen Streed from YCP (the college!) to Dallastown. He passed by a General Rental place and remembered/thought about a chick he met/almost kinda dated that lived in the trailer park area behind that location. He heads out to the mall.... and sees the chick. In the flesh.
He'd not thought of this person or even touched upon that memory for years. YEARS. I'd never heard of this female or the story behind it/her. So you can imagine how freaked out he was over this incident. I think it's spectacularly WIERD. What the hell?
He says things like this have been happening to him lately. Jung's Synchroncity book explains that we humans HAVE to see some sort of pattern or sequence in what happens to us. Still, THIS WAS WIERD.
He decided to drive all of Queen Streed from YCP (the college!) to Dallastown. He passed by a General Rental place and remembered/thought about a chick he met/almost kinda dated that lived in the trailer park area behind that location. He heads out to the mall.... and sees the chick. In the flesh.
He'd not thought of this person or even touched upon that memory for years. YEARS. I'd never heard of this female or the story behind it/her. So you can imagine how freaked out he was over this incident. I think it's spectacularly WIERD. What the hell?
He says things like this have been happening to him lately. Jung's Synchroncity book explains that we humans HAVE to see some sort of pattern or sequence in what happens to us. Still, THIS WAS WIERD.
Capt A had a secret; he was practicing guitar. He didn't want his brother knowing. He almost showed his brother's wife, but he wanted to show his brother first. Well, she managed to wheedle it out of me - and told Capt A's brother. He came over last night and told Capt A that -I- was the person who spilled the beans.
Capt A will never trust me with a secret again. Thanks a whole fucking lot, people. I will NEVER tell you another goddamn thing again. I'm his BEST FUCKING FRIEND, just like I was the BEST FUCKING girlfriend he'll ever have. Thanks for undermining that.
I felt so bad I didn't go out last night. Just felt shitty. Of course, this cascades into feeling scared about how Oddity feels about me - he got a comment from someone about how glad she was he hung out with her and how handsome he was. I worked HARD last night not to read anything into that. So stupid, this insecurity.
I'm losing myself. I can fall in love with someone so much that I forget who I am. I'm not bar person, I'm not one musical genre person - I'm not driving person I'm not simply faceted. I'm eclectic and not mainstream and would rather dance or walk than sit in a car or drink. I AM affectionate and expect it in return. I am supportive and I will run with whatever my partner wants.
I hope he appreciates that.
Today, I had the pins and needles in my fingers again. This is NOT a nerve condition. This is directly due to the cold in this office. Or, more factually, to the lack of whatever it is that prevents my body from staying warm. The job can't be responsible for one person's adverse reaction to air conditioning. But what the hell am I going to do? First thing is I'm buying a pair of fingerless long gloves to wear in the office until the temperatures even out. I have the heater on at low under my desk, saving my poor toes (already clad in thick socks and boots, mind you) and body from hurting due to the cold.
Capt A will never trust me with a secret again. Thanks a whole fucking lot, people. I will NEVER tell you another goddamn thing again. I'm his BEST FUCKING FRIEND, just like I was the BEST FUCKING girlfriend he'll ever have. Thanks for undermining that.
I felt so bad I didn't go out last night. Just felt shitty. Of course, this cascades into feeling scared about how Oddity feels about me - he got a comment from someone about how glad she was he hung out with her and how handsome he was. I worked HARD last night not to read anything into that. So stupid, this insecurity.
I'm losing myself. I can fall in love with someone so much that I forget who I am. I'm not bar person, I'm not one musical genre person - I'm not driving person I'm not simply faceted. I'm eclectic and not mainstream and would rather dance or walk than sit in a car or drink. I AM affectionate and expect it in return. I am supportive and I will run with whatever my partner wants.
I hope he appreciates that.
Today, I had the pins and needles in my fingers again. This is NOT a nerve condition. This is directly due to the cold in this office. Or, more factually, to the lack of whatever it is that prevents my body from staying warm. The job can't be responsible for one person's adverse reaction to air conditioning. But what the hell am I going to do? First thing is I'm buying a pair of fingerless long gloves to wear in the office until the temperatures even out. I have the heater on at low under my desk, saving my poor toes (already clad in thick socks and boots, mind you) and body from hurting due to the cold.
Wednesday
I haven't listened to my mp3 all week. Well, today's only Wednesday, but still. Monday at work my fingers and toes got pins and needles/numbness. I think it's the cold. I don't like air conditioning and now the weather's heading into fall. If I were more active at work, it wouldn't bother me so much. But I sit and now I'm in constant pain.
The Governor of PA just placed a hiring freeze on all government jobs. That spells bad news for myself and Oddity. I asked for some OT and it's not been approved. I'm stuck. I don't think I've ever been in this sort of situation before.
I need to turn on my heater. I have no options at the moment. I don't want to go to NY and I want to see my youngest. I need glasses. It's all a mess.
The Governor of PA just placed a hiring freeze on all government jobs. That spells bad news for myself and Oddity. I asked for some OT and it's not been approved. I'm stuck. I don't think I've ever been in this sort of situation before.
I need to turn on my heater. I have no options at the moment. I don't want to go to NY and I want to see my youngest. I need glasses. It's all a mess.
Monday
Wow. Merrill Lynch is dead. So is Lehman Brothers. Bear Stearns also disappeared. Is Goldman Sachs still viable? It's like the financial giants of my youth are tumbling. Nothing lasts forever.
Had a fantastic weekend with Oddity. I like cuddling with him. And we did have the conversation about my unfortunate suspicions. I know he's not that kind of person. But as far as I know, nor was Lord Dragon.
He's set in his ways, but he's willing to change - so long as the changes are motivated by HIS choice. No one can make him change, neither his mind or his habits. This may be interesting in the long run.
I want a job in Lancaster that pays rent, and then I have to find an apartment that allows me my dog. I know more than likely that I will only afford (or will be shunted to) the low-income 'hispanic' sector. I wish I could just change my name. I should, already, change it to just my middle name, the way I feature myself online.
I drove Sunday in Capt A's car. I hit an S turn (hairpin) too fast (have to learn the brakes) and my turning was slow (Capt A had to turn for me!) Poor man almost had a coronary.
My hip still hurts - I'm confused as to why it doesn't hurt when I dance but hurts when I sit for any length of time. Piriformis muscle and it's called Piriformis Syndrome.
The club night I've been faithful to and where I met Oddity and Temptation at is on indefinite hiatus until a new location is found. Everyone that can will pitch in to find a place. We're a great crowd; we just dont spend money. I hope that matters, somehow, in the right way.
Had a fantastic weekend with Oddity. I like cuddling with him. And we did have the conversation about my unfortunate suspicions. I know he's not that kind of person. But as far as I know, nor was Lord Dragon.
He's set in his ways, but he's willing to change - so long as the changes are motivated by HIS choice. No one can make him change, neither his mind or his habits. This may be interesting in the long run.
I want a job in Lancaster that pays rent, and then I have to find an apartment that allows me my dog. I know more than likely that I will only afford (or will be shunted to) the low-income 'hispanic' sector. I wish I could just change my name. I should, already, change it to just my middle name, the way I feature myself online.
I drove Sunday in Capt A's car. I hit an S turn (hairpin) too fast (have to learn the brakes) and my turning was slow (Capt A had to turn for me!) Poor man almost had a coronary.
My hip still hurts - I'm confused as to why it doesn't hurt when I dance but hurts when I sit for any length of time. Piriformis muscle and it's called Piriformis Syndrome.
The club night I've been faithful to and where I met Oddity and Temptation at is on indefinite hiatus until a new location is found. Everyone that can will pitch in to find a place. We're a great crowd; we just dont spend money. I hope that matters, somehow, in the right way.
Thursday
The Only One by The Cure (on oddity's profile ... he's perfect)
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEAD
WHEN YOU PULL ME UPSTAIRS AND YOU PUSH ME TO BED
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEAD IT’S A MESS UP THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEART
WHEN YOU PUSH ME BACK DOWN AND THEN PULL ME APART
OH I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEART IT’S THE BEST Oh YEAH!
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY LIPS
WHEN YOU SUCK ME INSIDE AND YOU BLOW ME A KISS
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY LIPS IT’S SO SWEET IN THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HIPS
WHEN YOU BLOW ME OUTSIDE AND THEN SUCK ME LIKE THIS
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HIPS IT’S THE BEAT Oh YEAH!
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I CRY FOR
THE ONLY ONE I TRY TO PLEASE
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I SIGH FOR
THE ONLY ONE I DIE TO SQUEEZE
AND IT GETS BETTER EVERY DAY I PLAY WITH YOU IT’S SUCH A SCREAM
YEAH IT GETS BETTER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S SO EXTREME
YEAH IT GETS WETTER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S LIKE A DREAM
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY SKIN
WHEN YOU SLIP ME ON AND SLIDE ME IN
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY SKIN IT’S A BLUSH ON THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY BONES
WHEN YOU SLIDE ME OFF AND SLIP ME HOME
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY BONES IT’S THE CRUSH Oh YEAH!
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I CRY FOR
THE ONLY ONE I TRY TO PLEASE
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I SIGH FOR
THE ONLY ONE I DIE TO SQUEEZE
AND IT GETS HAZIER EVERY WAY I SWAY WITH YOU IT’S SUCH A SCREAM
YEAH IT GETS MAZIER EVERY PLAY I SAY WITH YOU IT’S SO EXTREME
YEAH IT GETS CRAZIER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S LIKE A DREAM
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO ME
We bonded over 'One More Time' by The Cure. I love that song.. but this one OMG it makes me chortle and wiggle inside 'cause I can just see him remembering how the lyrics fit... yeeha! I love what he does to me....
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEAD
WHEN YOU PULL ME UPSTAIRS AND YOU PUSH ME TO BED
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEAD IT’S A MESS UP THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEART
WHEN YOU PUSH ME BACK DOWN AND THEN PULL ME APART
OH I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEART IT’S THE BEST Oh YEAH!
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY LIPS
WHEN YOU SUCK ME INSIDE AND YOU BLOW ME A KISS
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY LIPS IT’S SO SWEET IN THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HIPS
WHEN YOU BLOW ME OUTSIDE AND THEN SUCK ME LIKE THIS
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HIPS IT’S THE BEAT Oh YEAH!
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I CRY FOR
THE ONLY ONE I TRY TO PLEASE
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I SIGH FOR
THE ONLY ONE I DIE TO SQUEEZE
AND IT GETS BETTER EVERY DAY I PLAY WITH YOU IT’S SUCH A SCREAM
YEAH IT GETS BETTER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S SO EXTREME
YEAH IT GETS WETTER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S LIKE A DREAM
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY SKIN
WHEN YOU SLIP ME ON AND SLIDE ME IN
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY SKIN IT’S A BLUSH ON THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY BONES
WHEN YOU SLIDE ME OFF AND SLIP ME HOME
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY BONES IT’S THE CRUSH Oh YEAH!
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I CRY FOR
THE ONLY ONE I TRY TO PLEASE
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I SIGH FOR
THE ONLY ONE I DIE TO SQUEEZE
AND IT GETS HAZIER EVERY WAY I SWAY WITH YOU IT’S SUCH A SCREAM
YEAH IT GETS MAZIER EVERY PLAY I SAY WITH YOU IT’S SO EXTREME
YEAH IT GETS CRAZIER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S LIKE A DREAM
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO ME
We bonded over 'One More Time' by The Cure. I love that song.. but this one OMG it makes me chortle and wiggle inside 'cause I can just see him remembering how the lyrics fit... yeeha! I love what he does to me....
I'm in such deep trouble. I'm behind on every bill. The gas bill is 400; the electric is 200, the cable is 300 and the water is 100. What the FUCK did I do with the money?
We have no internet at home and if I pay it off (189) then I have no way to go to SL or to Ray's. And I'm too selfish to give that up.
I'm still wracking my brain to figure out where the fuck I screwed up. And today I have to show up at court for, of all things, child support for Teri while she's in the residential facility.
What did I do wrong?
We have no internet at home and if I pay it off (189) then I have no way to go to SL or to Ray's. And I'm too selfish to give that up.
I'm still wracking my brain to figure out where the fuck I screwed up. And today I have to show up at court for, of all things, child support for Teri while she's in the residential facility.
What did I do wrong?
Wednesday
These songs touched me. Guess why.
Damaged by Assemblage 23
I am merely the product
Of the life that I've lived
An amalgam of sorrows
And the wisdom they give
But the weight has grown heavy
And its dragging me down
It's so hard not to sink now
But I don't want to drown
CHORUS - I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own
There is beauty in hardship
There are poems in grief
There are trials we must go through
Though they may shake our beliefs
But I don't know how I got here
Lost in the cynical dusk
Set adrift in the worry
That I've no one to trust
(CHORUS)
If to suffer is holy
I'll take my share of the pain
I can swim through this sadness
If there's something to gain
I can reach for the surface
And try to pull myself free
But the last thing I want is
To drag you down here with me
(CHORUS)
Damaged by TLC
I know Im kinda strange, to you sometimes
Dont always say, whats on my mind
You know that Ive been hurt, by some guy
But I dont wanna mess up this time
[BRIDGE] And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think Im kinda scared
Cos I dont want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
Its nothing to you
[CHORUS] My hearts at a low
Im so much to manage
I think you should know that
Ive been damaged
Im falling in love
Theres one disadvantage
I think you should know that Ive been damaged
I might look through your stuff, for what I dont wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if youre all mine
Im a little paranoid, from what Ive been through
Dont know what you got yourself into
[BRIDGE W/ECHOED LINES]
[CHORUS, 2x W/ECHOED LINES]
[BRIDGE]
[CHORUS, 2x]
Damaged by Assemblage 23
I am merely the product
Of the life that I've lived
An amalgam of sorrows
And the wisdom they give
But the weight has grown heavy
And its dragging me down
It's so hard not to sink now
But I don't want to drown
CHORUS - I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own
There is beauty in hardship
There are poems in grief
There are trials we must go through
Though they may shake our beliefs
But I don't know how I got here
Lost in the cynical dusk
Set adrift in the worry
That I've no one to trust
(CHORUS)
If to suffer is holy
I'll take my share of the pain
I can swim through this sadness
If there's something to gain
I can reach for the surface
And try to pull myself free
But the last thing I want is
To drag you down here with me
(CHORUS)
Damaged by TLC
I know Im kinda strange, to you sometimes
Dont always say, whats on my mind
You know that Ive been hurt, by some guy
But I dont wanna mess up this time
[BRIDGE] And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think Im kinda scared
Cos I dont want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
Its nothing to you
[CHORUS] My hearts at a low
Im so much to manage
I think you should know that
Ive been damaged
Im falling in love
Theres one disadvantage
I think you should know that Ive been damaged
I might look through your stuff, for what I dont wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if youre all mine
Im a little paranoid, from what Ive been through
Dont know what you got yourself into
[BRIDGE W/ECHOED LINES]
[CHORUS, 2x W/ECHOED LINES]
[BRIDGE]
[CHORUS, 2x]
Saturday
'Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory, falling on my head like a new emotion....'
It is RAINING out there, with capital letters and exclamation points. Tropical Storm Hanna is making a quick trip up the East Coast today and dumping water like you wouldn't BELIEVE out there. I walked in it to the bus to come see Oddity and found it was NOT annoying. Just WET. Walking to his place, I realized even the air was laden with water and the huge drops falling at the pace they were falling wasn't helping anything. I can't begin to describe how it is; we've had torrential downpours and heavy thunderstorms but those were brief. This is on par with 40 days and nights of rain of Noah's deluge. This sort of rain has been going on since... 6am this morning I think? and it's almost 4 and IT HASN'T LET UP. The pace has altered a bit here and there, but for the most part it has been buckets of water falling from the sky over a huge swath of country.
I am simply amazed.
I walked into Oddity's apartment simply DRIPPING with water (despite an umbrella) and on the floor of the rug going into the bedroom, there was this blue square - an envelope with my name on it. I started smiling at that moment from ear to ear with chortles bubbling forth from my heart and haven't stopped since. I tried to remove as much of the wet clothing as I could and opened the envelope; inside was a card that read: I love you from the top of your head to the tip of your toes (blue border with red letters and hearts, from Shoebox Greetings) and inside the card it reads: And don't get me started on in-between! Most of my favorite spots are in-between. He added: Love You! with a heart next to his name.
I feel absolutely wonderful. My heart is warm, glowing. I feel I can conquer the world. I am ashamed of my doubts and fears. I LOVE YOU, YOU WONDERFUL CRAZY AMAZING STRANGE AND AWESOME MAN!
Right now, the Juanes song "Feel No Pain" (No Siento Penas) is spinning through my head. I'm going to play it and dance around like a fool and thank the powers that be that you love me.
It is RAINING out there, with capital letters and exclamation points. Tropical Storm Hanna is making a quick trip up the East Coast today and dumping water like you wouldn't BELIEVE out there. I walked in it to the bus to come see Oddity and found it was NOT annoying. Just WET. Walking to his place, I realized even the air was laden with water and the huge drops falling at the pace they were falling wasn't helping anything. I can't begin to describe how it is; we've had torrential downpours and heavy thunderstorms but those were brief. This is on par with 40 days and nights of rain of Noah's deluge. This sort of rain has been going on since... 6am this morning I think? and it's almost 4 and IT HASN'T LET UP. The pace has altered a bit here and there, but for the most part it has been buckets of water falling from the sky over a huge swath of country.
I am simply amazed.
I walked into Oddity's apartment simply DRIPPING with water (despite an umbrella) and on the floor of the rug going into the bedroom, there was this blue square - an envelope with my name on it. I started smiling at that moment from ear to ear with chortles bubbling forth from my heart and haven't stopped since. I tried to remove as much of the wet clothing as I could and opened the envelope; inside was a card that read: I love you from the top of your head to the tip of your toes (blue border with red letters and hearts, from Shoebox Greetings) and inside the card it reads: And don't get me started on in-between! Most of my favorite spots are in-between. He added: Love You! with a heart next to his name.
I feel absolutely wonderful. My heart is warm, glowing. I feel I can conquer the world. I am ashamed of my doubts and fears. I LOVE YOU, YOU WONDERFUL CRAZY AMAZING STRANGE AND AWESOME MAN!
Right now, the Juanes song "Feel No Pain" (No Siento Penas) is spinning through my head. I'm going to play it and dance around like a fool and thank the powers that be that you love me.
Friday
Name your price
A ticket to paradise
I can't stay here any more
And I've looked high and low
I've been from shore to shore to shore
If there's a short cut I'd have found it
But there's no easy way around it
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer
Who knows why
Someday we all must die
We're all homeless boys and girls
And we are never heard
It's such a lonely world
People turn their heads and walk on by
Tell me, is it worth just another try?
Tell me, are we alive, or just a dying planet?
What are the chances?
Ask the man in your heart for the answers
And when you feel afraid, love one another
When you've lost your way, love one another
When you're all alone, love one another
When you're far from home, love one another
When you're down and out, love one another
All your hopes run out, love one another
When you need a friend, love one another
When you're near the end, love one another
We got to love one another
Light of the world, you got to shine
Love will be a means, yeah, yeah
Shine on us all
Know that love can save the day
Just give it one more chance
Lord you just can't let it stop lord
Love is the answer
Got to be free to let love into your life
Let it shine
--Todd Rundgren, Love Is The Answer
A ticket to paradise
I can't stay here any more
And I've looked high and low
I've been from shore to shore to shore
If there's a short cut I'd have found it
But there's no easy way around it
Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer
Who knows why
Someday we all must die
We're all homeless boys and girls
And we are never heard
It's such a lonely world
People turn their heads and walk on by
Tell me, is it worth just another try?
Tell me, are we alive, or just a dying planet?
What are the chances?
Ask the man in your heart for the answers
And when you feel afraid, love one another
When you've lost your way, love one another
When you're all alone, love one another
When you're far from home, love one another
When you're down and out, love one another
All your hopes run out, love one another
When you need a friend, love one another
When you're near the end, love one another
We got to love one another
Light of the world, you got to shine
Love will be a means, yeah, yeah
Shine on us all
Know that love can save the day
Just give it one more chance
Lord you just can't let it stop lord
Love is the answer
Got to be free to let love into your life
Let it shine
--Todd Rundgren, Love Is The Answer
Thursday
Oddity:
I do not like the young lady who shares a connection with you to hang out with you. I do not trust her motives or her objectives.
I do not like that she hangs on you. I do not like her there when I'm reaching for you. This may sound possessive and extremely paranoid. I simply do not trust that you will remain with me with such a person trying to catch your attention. This may be insecurity, this may be jealousy. Whatever it is, please respect my wishes. I have been too many times in the situation of seeing a 'friend' become a 'lover' and myself being dumped for said 'lover' because of prior connections or feelings.
I am working on past experience, and while past experience does not qualify as proof in present circumstances, I am still leery of this 'connection' you share with her. I do not want to be dumped, let go or broken up with because you find her company more enjoyable. Just imagine what it will do to my heart and my soul, if you cannot just trust my feelings.
I just found you. I fear trust, Oddity. I do not want to limit you, and I feel that you are making every effort to convince me that you love me and that I am yours. I AM yours, heart mind body and soul. Do not forsake me.
Your Grrl, Your Woman, Your Lady, Your love.
Edit: I read my prior posts about you and can't understand why this sickening fear is gripping me. You do so much to show me you love me. All I can say is that I see a pattern I've seen before and I feel frightened.
I do not like the young lady who shares a connection with you to hang out with you. I do not trust her motives or her objectives.
I do not like that she hangs on you. I do not like her there when I'm reaching for you. This may sound possessive and extremely paranoid. I simply do not trust that you will remain with me with such a person trying to catch your attention. This may be insecurity, this may be jealousy. Whatever it is, please respect my wishes. I have been too many times in the situation of seeing a 'friend' become a 'lover' and myself being dumped for said 'lover' because of prior connections or feelings.
I am working on past experience, and while past experience does not qualify as proof in present circumstances, I am still leery of this 'connection' you share with her. I do not want to be dumped, let go or broken up with because you find her company more enjoyable. Just imagine what it will do to my heart and my soul, if you cannot just trust my feelings.
I just found you. I fear trust, Oddity. I do not want to limit you, and I feel that you are making every effort to convince me that you love me and that I am yours. I AM yours, heart mind body and soul. Do not forsake me.
Your Grrl, Your Woman, Your Lady, Your love.
Edit: I read my prior posts about you and can't understand why this sickening fear is gripping me. You do so much to show me you love me. All I can say is that I see a pattern I've seen before and I feel frightened.
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