When exactly did I lose my heart to Oddity? The night he drove me home from Smalls, when he took off the fauxhawk and put on that hat... suddenly I was seeing someone new. I felt my world shift that night. I love when he wears that hat.

I hugged him at Ulanas, grateful suddenly that he was around. I think that was before Smalls. He wanted to sit next to me on our weekend out; he sat next to me and put his hand on my thigh. Why didn't I react? I felt it belonged there. After Ulanas, I felt like I would hurt anyone who messed with him. After Ulanas, I felt he was mine.

I wanted to kiss him something awful when he dropped me off at my house. But I didn't want to mess up what I had at home.

Then the party, where I was so excited for him to get there, and when he stomped off and I realized I had lost my heart to him. "I love him," I said out loud, and it was true.

I'm not the easiest of persons to get along with; I've got problems. I am difficult, but I'm also very understanding and caring and giving. I'm struggling not to put him on a pedestal like everyone else I've dated. I feel, really feel, that he's the missing part of me. Even when he pisses me off!

I learned alot of things through listening to what I call 'my music'. For instance: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago:

Everyone needs a little time away/I heard her say/from each other
Even lovers need a holiday/far away from the one that they love
Hold me now/it's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to know...
After all that we've been through/I will make it up to you. I promise you/And after all that's been said and done/You're just the part of me I can't let go.

What would you understand from this? Well, relationships need work. You can feel frustrated with someone so much that you want to walk away; but that is not permanent. Saying "I'm Sorry" and meaning it helps - as does accepting the apology (Hold me now). It takes two.

But, as my friend Maria said, too much togetherness breeds contempt (actually she said it in spanish and much more colorful: la carne, junto mucho, hiede). So time apart - in other words, be your own person even in a relationship - is healthy and probably for the best.

Cool Change by Little River Band: It's alright to be alone.
Come Sail Away by Styx: Dreams are wonderful, but as you age you change; don't give up adventure or new things. There's always hope.
Reminiscing by Little River Band: remember the good times. this is healthy.
Cruising by Smokey Robinson: just spending time with each other is precious.
Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks: Live your life every day; even when you are dying, those memories will be there to sweeten the passage. Value the people around you. Love them.
Blasphemous Rumors: suicide hurts everyone and helps no one. death is meaningless and random. God plays no part in it.
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin: Yes, I found meaning in that one. It fits in my warped worldview. DREAM. Life is as fantastic as you wish it. Strive. Seek. Live. Dream.
Hotel California by the Eagles: Pretty Party People are sinkholes.
Bargain by The Who: Value who loves you
Baba O'Riley by The Who: look forward and enjoy life now

More to come as I think of them....

I have very very lucid, vivid dreams. I enjoy this; it makes my sleep time quite fun. Most of the time anyway. This does mean I have very vivid nightmares...

But this is not about a nightmare. This was a dream I have a couple of nights ago that I enjoyed very much.

I was in some city and had to get a bus. I remember brownstones and then getting on a bus that was more like a cabin in a plane, but it was a bus. It was crowded and was one of those tour bus things, with people in various stages of relaxation/preparation. I sat for a while in one seat, chatting up someone about where I was going (the next stop!) to see/meet up with my boyfriend. Then I moved to another seat near a window, and had the guy in front of me recline his seat all the way into my lap - it was funny if rude.

He was with his wife and kids but getting drunk on the bus. Well, when I arrived where I was going (for some reason, a seaside industrial town), he followed me off. I asked him just what he thought he was doing, and he said he was trying to explore and took off in the opposite direction. It didn't take long for him to find me again.

In the dream, seeing my bf wasn't an urgency, so I told him, fine, I would lead him around. Well, we went through an industrial factory where salt was stockpiled and turning green (I know that means something chemically, but I can't recall what) and I refuseed to go through it because I was wearing my heeled thongs (yet, earlier, we went by a stripjoint and basically acted punked out inside and outside when we got kicked out, I was wearing sneakers). We had to get through it to get to the other side (and here I was thinking I was too far from North York and I could not remember for the life of me how to get back) and I found an abandoned building that had a back way around the huge salt dump. There we were joined by a few thugs and one dealer and we climbed through a gated window down a gated metal outdoor stairwell. I thought I wouldn't fit, but I did...

Earlier we had been walking through some seedy place, and it was either nighttime or predawn. I was nattering cheerily with this drunk married young man, being goofy and keeping him at a distance. We decided to go into a stripjoint, and we were kicked out and I walked on the bannisters of the porch and down towards the beach from the place - it was a seaside city, but it was still both Lancaster and York in my head. Then as the sun came up, we went into a bar/restaurant, and he continued drinking and as I was talking to the manager, he went outside and either threw up or fell over the pretty branch bannister, breaking it. Manager was going to call the cops and I laughed and gathered my friend up and continued walking... seems I didn't have to worry about police at all and the impression in the dream was that the police didn't even pay us any attention.

The dream ended at the climbing through the window of the abandoned building. On one side, where the salt was, it was cloudy and slightly chilly, but on the other side of the house, the sun was shining brightly and it was warmer.

Other things happened - all involving establishments that ended up kicking us out 'cause we were creating a disturbance - no, there was NO hanky panky with the drunk married young man - and walking through a seedy, oddly NYCish landscape by the sea with huge factories in green and red and pale colors denoted the bar/restaraurant and the stripjoint.

I woke up from that dream in a very good mood, bouyant, even, but it was 2:fucking 30 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep. It was an odd day.

I HATE HATE HATE my contacts. Soon arrives the big question; money for what will I decide to deny so that I can get glasses? I need them desperately.

I'm working OT this week. 8am - 9pm M-W-F and 10am-9pm T-Th. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?????

On the other hand, I like working all day. I'll go home and crash and get up the next day and do it again and it's only for two weeks, though I wish I had excluded Friday (only 'cause I want to go see Ray, but I'll have to deal like a big girl). I tend to bore easily at home and now I'm not bored.

But I'm going to be sooooo tired....

I had a very pleasant weekend with Oddity, even with the breakdown in communication and tears for a brief minute on Friday evening and the uncomfortable knowledge that he was being cantankerous most of Saturday. I can live with that; I only see him weekends and this will give me the coping skills for when we are closer to each other.

He does need his space; this is a very concrete reality. It will do me good to not jump in with both feet, and will give me the chance to also be on my own without being totally alone. That is, he loves me. I worry for him but he's coped like this for years. I will accept.

On the other hand, can he accept me the way I am? He decries my 'dreamworld' which I consider my healthy optimism. I know the life he lead and accept that he needs to feel rooted in harsh reality. Can he accept that my reality was too harsh to accept and that I can function better with being optimistic to the point of wishful thinking?

Then again, I've had LOTS of lucky breaks in life and that does lead me to believe that they will continue. Maybe things won't fall into my lap as they did in NY, but they will work out. And if they don't, I'll still be optimistic. He's not like me; he doesn't fall into depression and have to take meds for it. I don't want to go there. I'm not changing; I'm not asking him to change either. He is who he is and I am who I am. I know I can adapt; can he? I sure hope so.

He danced with me for the U2 cover band Saturday night, to the romantic slow songs. He introduced me to more people (whom I want to stay in touch with - they're fantastic!) and this means I may have a small foundation of Lancaster friends to hang with when I'm not spending time with him, which also gives him his space and his freedom to be with his friends.

I never asked to be entertained. I just want to be loved - and I want the world to know I'm loved. I would announce it from the rooftops, if I could = yes, Oddity is MY love! He's MINE!

yea, I know I'm possessive. sorta. :) He fell asleep, the shots catching up to him, cradled in my breasts. I held his head to my chest as he fell asleep, kissing his shaved pate, his arms around my waist. I love holding him. And it makes me feel indescribably wonderful when in his sleep he gathers me up to his chest, his arms around me, snoring into my cheek. Sometimes he'll kiss my forehead or my shoulder if my back is to him and he's wrapped around me.

I'm always happy to hear from him. I hope this doesn't alarm him, the way I am. This is how I love. At this age, fuck it. I won't tone it down. This is me.

Sunday I went to see my youngest; she lost her job. She was so distressed and upset - I cried with her but hopefully she remembers what I told her - this is something better to happen while she's here and learn to cope with it rather than when it actually makes a difference and her entire world would collapse. I've been there. So have many of my friends. We've lost so much over the years...

I woke up at 2:30am and finally just got out of bed at 4am 'cause I simply was NOT sleepy. It's 3:10pm now and my eyes sting, but it's from the contacts and not from lack of sleep.

I know it will catch up with me. I hope I get a chance to read myspace tonight when I get home, but I'll probably be so dead I'll just crawl into bed and tell Capt A to make his own breakfast 'n lunch. But we'll see.

Not driving SUCKS. But every time I think of how much money I will NEED to make to be able to drive, it frightens me. How do people do it?

What with the price of gas and insurance and the cost of a car, you're paying almost as much as you would for rent. So hypothetically, 400 a month for a car, 500 for rent. Then you have utitilties. Depending on the season, 100 for electic and heat if your rent doesn't cover it (NYC it didn't; PA not sure), 50 for cable, 75 for phone, perhaps 30 for water (not always in apartment living). Then there's food. For one person (me, for instance) that's about 300 a month. Then there's the buying of the household essentials - cleaning supplies, toiletries, clothing, shoes, coats, hats, gloves, et al. If you wear contacts, add 50 a month to that. If you don't have a washer/dryer, add another $100 a month to that.

So, to make ends meet, you'd have to make almost 3000 a month. Viable, IF YOU HAVE A CAR. A Catch-22. NY, this would be poverty level.

How do I move up from not having a car?

Written to Damned Prayers' PlayList - www.myspace.com/damnedprayers

I stopped envying people who had idyllic childhoods - where the parents were loving and life was wonderful and you dream about those halcyon days of youth.

I HATED MY CHILDHOOD. I lived in a dreamworld of my making because my reality sucked. My parents were together because they had committed adultery - I'm sure they loved each other, but the fighting and the backbiting and the hoops they jumped through for each other and that fucking religion that shadowed our lives overcame any love they could show.

We were poor. But not as poor as both my parents had been as youths; that was poverty of the kind you fear in the very core of your being. My parents strove to provide us with some material stability so that we would neve go hungry as they did, or have to work at the ages they did. But on the flip side, it was awful.

We weren't really allowed friends, because friends of the 'world' was anathema to the religion. And friends within the religion could turn on you, because everyone was a backbiting bitch. My parents had very few friends. They were loners either by choice or circumstance. So we grew up as loners.

I loved attention and loved to dance. Unfortunately, I was the first child of their sin, and I know that colored how they treated me. I was the eldest, and I was female. I was both responsible for my younger brothers and less than they were. I was worthless and easy to punish. Sensitive, every word found it's mark and it hurt for years. And lets not get into the scars on my body; the physical manifestation of the determination to train me to the long and narrow. Which obviously, if you know me, didn't work all that well.

Dancing was nipped in the bud. My natural exuberance was twisted somehow. Taken advantage of by predators and unfortunate circumstances, I became what my dad called me - worthless, a slut, a whore, a prostitute. I own those names, because they were mine, it seemed.

I believed I was a succubus. I read two languages very early; I loved to read. It was my escape, and it peopled my dreamworld. And I read about succubi and incubi and knew, without a doubt, that this was what I was. And so my exuberance was channeled into something dark.

I was afraid of everything. My parents weren't a comfort. My own body rebelled against me and rejected everything put it in. I was a contantly sick child. My mother says I was a good child until I grew up; because I was a broken child inside (background: And One, Sometime). They were stunned to find out about the predators within their own midst and never thought to really believe me. How could they? They were trapped in their own hell, and this was the only way they knew to be.

My idyllic memories were the times spent away from my family. The everpresent fear of angering my dad (easily done, as dad held lots of anger) was gone; my mom the martyr wasn't around to preach to me. I was free.

When I had kids, I screwed up, and cursed them with the same childhood. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself, and so I left them to my parents. My parents encouraged this distrust and it turned into a disaster for my children.

I don't envy you with lovely childhoods anymore. I don't wish for what you had. I was dealt this card in life and it has made me who I am. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I was broken inside and still survived.

I'd rather be an adult, and aging, and where I am in life, than ever return to those memories or that life again. I will enjoy my present and my future, and retreat into my dreamworld when I desire reprieve. Enjoy the present with me as well.

When I love, it's pretty deep. It's strong. I fall hard. And I can be very loyal. But I've had my moments.

So what happened to Capt A? I loved him strong; all his annoying habits, his girth (which really was NEVER a factor; I still find him attractive), his inability to accept anyone else as having reason, whatever it was, I loved him despite it and with it.

What was the reason for my turning away from him? Oddity and Temptation would have NEVER had a chance had it been a year earlier. Even six months earlier would have made a difference.

What happened? I ask myself this every day. I will say, it eroded with the rather offhand comments he made about not wanting to commit, or the rather painful comment about the cable guy he could see me with; I need to be the most important person in your life next to your mother, your brother and your kids, if any. Then there's the lack of interest in sex. I'm sure it wasn't a lack of interest; I'm convinced I simply didn't do it for him. THAT can knock your confidence down low.

I adored him. I doted on him. But I didn't get back the kind of acceptance I gave. There... I accept and he couldn't. That may be a problem with Oddity, but I will give it time. There are other situations that make Oddity a better balance. The sex, for instance (yes, I know, TMI, but this is my private blog and I can say what I want). We are the same generation, even if we're from different backgrounds.

And I may be wrong, but Oddity NEEDS someone who will willingly dote on him, who wants to take care of him, who enjoys being his companion no matter what. I listen well; I am patient and I can understand. Even when I can't understand, I will accept. He finds it hard to accept some things, but I attribute it to the life he's lead, which in every aspect was as hard as mine and in many ways, even harsher and more painful.

And.. I know what turns him on. THIS was and still is a big issue with me, for it is tied with my self-confidence, my self-image, my self-perception. 'nuff said on that.

No one else has a chance, however good looking or accomplished or suave or clever or interesting, while I am with Oddity. It is ultimately a choice one makes, and I want to stay with him. It is my choice if I find that the going is not going to result in acceptable ends.

And THAT is gist for another blog, for another time.

I LOVE being busy. Today I'm alone and catching up with emails and phonecalls and everything and LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT. I'm online reading emails and blogging, too, because I prefer to be as busy as possible.

I am standing - have been standing instead of sitting for the last week or so. It hurts less, but my feet aren't happy with me.

Listening to music and wishing the batteries will hold out until I get home!

I am happy - content - satisfied for the nonce. YAY!

So wish I could support my granddaughter. I would take her in an instant, put her in the best school in the area, and keep her here with me, where people are human and not horrible beasts as they are in NY.

I've tons of bills. If I do the OT, I don't get to see Oddity. This kills me. But the bills have to be paid.

I should go out more with Suzanne; no money though. :(

No bites on jobs. Not panicking, just frustrated.

I think all I want to do is sleep. and dance. wish my hip were 100%.

Saw a huge featherduster (type of centipede? lives in cellars and basements and bathrooms) in the basement. I like them 'cause they eat cellar crickets... but that was an awful lot of cellar crickets to get that one THAT big!

Spiders all over and me with NO camera!!!! Gonna decorate my room - paint the walls a pale blue and hang spiderwebs and spider paraphenalia throughout the room. Want to bring my computer and desk into the room so I can watch movies.

Want to see my daughter; no way to get to her lately. And my weekends are getting full suddenly. I'm hoping my moon cycle holds off until at least Saturday afternoon. Best scenario Tuesday morning!

Got Roka by Calexico - I think I like all of Calexico and may want to invest in some albums. I'll see when there's free money how I can do that.

Going to see a movie called "Home" with Tall Cool One this afternoon. It's at York College at the Humanities Building and it's about the meaning of home and the history of baseball and the junction of it at the location where the Sovereign Stadium was built.

I need to ask to leave early tomorrow to catch the bus. I'll not take lunch. I want to see Oddity. I wish I didn't have to go to NY.

Yesterday, a customer called. From Queens. While we were talking, I mentioned my living in NY, as queens is never just 'Queens' but it's various 'hoods, like Forest Hills, or Bellerose, etc. I lived in Flushing for a while. He asked what I missed from NYC and I said the night life. He mentioned latina and I said actually, no - the goth/industrial scene. He was surprised at the age disparity and I mentioned that older goths have already done their piece and fade into the shadows to watch the antics of the younger set.

Then he said hold on, I'm getting a message. Someone from your family, mother? grandmother? was.. for lack of a better word, a bruja? The message is, to return to your youth, to what you loved in yoru youth.

My grandfather, on my mother's side, was a witch, a speaker to the dead. He would do something like that... and if I were to interpret it, he wants me to return to NY. Why?

Needless to say, it was creepy. I felt a chill and the customer asked me if I had felt it.... yea. Creepy.

Guess I should stop avoiding the talking to the granpere. Still, I just don't believe in life after death.

I am going to have to stay busy. I get obsessive over my emotional states and this is getting ridiculous. I will chase away the love I want if I can't keep this under control.

I am jealous, why? Because I've suffered in the past. But I have to leave the past behind and just not expect it to all go downhill.

But I do get bitchy about hypocrisy. I have to change, but you don't? Really? I can love you as you are, but you feel that I need to change something because it makes you feel bad... WELL GODDAMMIT SHIT, when do I get to tell you what you do to make me feel bad? When does it MATTER that I feel BAD about something? Don't you dare do to me what Capt A did, set aside my concerns but expect his concerns to be made No. 1.

Do NOT take me for granted.

I elected to be reserved. I walked to his house and made it there earlier than he did. Then again, he had to stay to close up.

So long as I don't broach the subject, we're okay. I am sensing he understands and on an unrelated topic, stated he does not act 'flirty' with anyone out in public or private. Only w/me.

Nevertheless, I'm going to be the person I normally am. I refuse to go into that hurt/crying jag thing I get into, like some penny novel lovelorn fool, because I expect from someone what I would give.

I know he loves me. I've just been burned too many times. So I'll behave towards the best of results and expect the worst, because that's what seems to happen when I love someone this much.

I'll always be afraid.

"Have you ever loved someone so much that you didn't care what happened to yourself, you just had to be with them? If they look at you, your heart stops... when you feel their breath on your skin it just... aches... Have you ever craved someone so much that... you just don't exist any more?"

Se que tu, Tentacion, entiendes. I did not want to feel that way. I'm 43 years old, for goodness sake! You'd think that this kind of overdone emotion would fade with age. Why can't I do things on an even keel? Why does this have to be how I feel, like a million times more than normal people feel? Gah!

Oddity went out with her last night. There may have been other nights she's gone out with him. They're just hanging, but I know she's clingy. He doesn't mind, it seems, unless I'm the one being clingy to someone else. Then he is bothered by this.

I'm doing what he said he'd do. I'm not going to stick around and get hurt again. I'm going to be me; I curtailed my actions so that I would hurt him, but he's not taking my feelings seriously. I'm going to be who I am. He don't like it, he also has to make concessions to stay with me.

I've had enough of people walking over my feelings and not paying attention to my emotions. Fuck you all. I'm out for me.

I did mention that I'm Capt A's best friend. Well, he calls me up - "got a minute?" yea. I always try to for him.

He decided to drive all of Queen Streed from YCP (the college!) to Dallastown. He passed by a General Rental place and remembered/thought about a chick he met/almost kinda dated that lived in the trailer park area behind that location. He heads out to the mall.... and sees the chick. In the flesh.

He'd not thought of this person or even touched upon that memory for years. YEARS. I'd never heard of this female or the story behind it/her. So you can imagine how freaked out he was over this incident. I think it's spectacularly WIERD. What the hell?

He says things like this have been happening to him lately. Jung's Synchroncity book explains that we humans HAVE to see some sort of pattern or sequence in what happens to us. Still, THIS WAS WIERD.

Capt A had a secret; he was practicing guitar. He didn't want his brother knowing. He almost showed his brother's wife, but he wanted to show his brother first. Well, she managed to wheedle it out of me - and told Capt A's brother. He came over last night and told Capt A that -I- was the person who spilled the beans.

Capt A will never trust me with a secret again. Thanks a whole fucking lot, people. I will NEVER tell you another goddamn thing again. I'm his BEST FUCKING FRIEND, just like I was the BEST FUCKING girlfriend he'll ever have. Thanks for undermining that.

I felt so bad I didn't go out last night. Just felt shitty. Of course, this cascades into feeling scared about how Oddity feels about me - he got a comment from someone about how glad she was he hung out with her and how handsome he was. I worked HARD last night not to read anything into that. So stupid, this insecurity.

I'm losing myself. I can fall in love with someone so much that I forget who I am. I'm not bar person, I'm not one musical genre person - I'm not driving person I'm not simply faceted. I'm eclectic and not mainstream and would rather dance or walk than sit in a car or drink. I AM affectionate and expect it in return. I am supportive and I will run with whatever my partner wants.

I hope he appreciates that.

Today, I had the pins and needles in my fingers again. This is NOT a nerve condition. This is directly due to the cold in this office. Or, more factually, to the lack of whatever it is that prevents my body from staying warm. The job can't be responsible for one person's adverse reaction to air conditioning. But what the hell am I going to do? First thing is I'm buying a pair of fingerless long gloves to wear in the office until the temperatures even out. I have the heater on at low under my desk, saving my poor toes (already clad in thick socks and boots, mind you) and body from hurting due to the cold.

I haven't listened to my mp3 all week. Well, today's only Wednesday, but still. Monday at work my fingers and toes got pins and needles/numbness. I think it's the cold. I don't like air conditioning and now the weather's heading into fall. If I were more active at work, it wouldn't bother me so much. But I sit and now I'm in constant pain.

The Governor of PA just placed a hiring freeze on all government jobs. That spells bad news for myself and Oddity. I asked for some OT and it's not been approved. I'm stuck. I don't think I've ever been in this sort of situation before.

I need to turn on my heater. I have no options at the moment. I don't want to go to NY and I want to see my youngest. I need glasses. It's all a mess.

Wow. Merrill Lynch is dead. So is Lehman Brothers. Bear Stearns also disappeared. Is Goldman Sachs still viable? It's like the financial giants of my youth are tumbling. Nothing lasts forever.

Had a fantastic weekend with Oddity. I like cuddling with him. And we did have the conversation about my unfortunate suspicions. I know he's not that kind of person. But as far as I know, nor was Lord Dragon.

He's set in his ways, but he's willing to change - so long as the changes are motivated by HIS choice. No one can make him change, neither his mind or his habits. This may be interesting in the long run.

I want a job in Lancaster that pays rent, and then I have to find an apartment that allows me my dog. I know more than likely that I will only afford (or will be shunted to) the low-income 'hispanic' sector. I wish I could just change my name. I should, already, change it to just my middle name, the way I feature myself online.

I drove Sunday in Capt A's car. I hit an S turn (hairpin) too fast (have to learn the brakes) and my turning was slow (Capt A had to turn for me!) Poor man almost had a coronary.

My hip still hurts - I'm confused as to why it doesn't hurt when I dance but hurts when I sit for any length of time. Piriformis muscle and it's called Piriformis Syndrome.

The club night I've been faithful to and where I met Oddity and Temptation at is on indefinite hiatus until a new location is found. Everyone that can will pitch in to find a place. We're a great crowd; we just dont spend money. I hope that matters, somehow, in the right way.