this.. is for me. Odity wrote this for me.
Saturday, February 21, 2009 forever
this time is forever
and forever is now
and you are here
here by my side
hand in hand
your heart is near
next to mine
two hearts
beating as one
like it's forever
and this is love
wider than a smile
just can't express
how happy i am
now and forever
9:29 AM
Saturday
Sunday
I miss him. I'm just away from him since 11:30am and I miss him. I see a photo of him and I want to reach into it and touch him, smell him, feel him around me. I wait by the computer until he shows up online. I'm pretty pathetic.
I physically miss him too. I want to feel his skin, his chest, his breath, his arms, his kiss, everything.
His brother didn't expect me to be so feminine. That's a nice compliment, but what did he expect his brother to date???
I ache; my heart hurts 'cause I want to be around him. We can't live together yet. I need to live on my own. I don't know if Sallie Mae will approve my loan, but if they do, schooling is going to take up my time and it's not going to be easy. Paralegal studies is HARD as hell.
I just want to be near him.
I physically miss him too. I want to feel his skin, his chest, his breath, his arms, his kiss, everything.
His brother didn't expect me to be so feminine. That's a nice compliment, but what did he expect his brother to date???
I ache; my heart hurts 'cause I want to be around him. We can't live together yet. I need to live on my own. I don't know if Sallie Mae will approve my loan, but if they do, schooling is going to take up my time and it's not going to be easy. Paralegal studies is HARD as hell.
I just want to be near him.
Friday
Oddity posted this song for me as a message to me on MySpace:
Biggest Part Of Me by Ambrosia
Yeah (Sunrise)
There's a new sun arisin'
(In your eyes) I can see a new horizon
(Realize) That will keep me realizin'
You're the biggest part of me
(Stay the night) Need your lovin' here beside me
(Shine the light) Need you close enough to guide me
(For all my life) I've been hopin' you would find me
You're the biggest part of me
Well - Make a wish, baby
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you,
So we could wash away the past,
So that we may start anew
(Rainbow) Risin' over my shoulder;
(Love flows) Gettin' better as we're older
(All I know) All I want to do is hold her
She's the life that breathes in me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(For better) For me, there's nothin' better
You're biggest part of me
Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ahh)
So that we may start anew (ah ooo)
Oh - More than an easy feelin',
She brings joy to me
How can I tell you
What it means to me?
Flow like a lazy river
For an eternity
I've finally found someone
Who believes in me, (who believes (x 2) in me)
And I'll never leave (Now I’ve found all I need)
Oh - Oh, not to doubt now
Mmmm, ain’t life grand?
Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ah)
So that we may start anew (ah oo)
(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me
(To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me
(Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me
You're the biggest part of me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) From now until forever
You're the biggest part of me
You're the life that breathes in me
You're the biggest part of me
Mmmmm
You changed my life
You made it right
And I'll be a servant to you
For the rest of my life ahhh
You're the biggest part of me.... ahhh
It's very nice to date someone of my generation. I didn't think I could love someone more, but he did it. I respond very well to music... and he's pushing all the right buttons.
Biggest Part Of Me by Ambrosia
Yeah (Sunrise)
There's a new sun arisin'
(In your eyes) I can see a new horizon
(Realize) That will keep me realizin'
You're the biggest part of me
(Stay the night) Need your lovin' here beside me
(Shine the light) Need you close enough to guide me
(For all my life) I've been hopin' you would find me
You're the biggest part of me
Well - Make a wish, baby
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you,
So we could wash away the past,
So that we may start anew
(Rainbow) Risin' over my shoulder;
(Love flows) Gettin' better as we're older
(All I know) All I want to do is hold her
She's the life that breathes in me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(For better) For me, there's nothin' better
You're biggest part of me
Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ahh)
So that we may start anew (ah ooo)
Oh - More than an easy feelin',
She brings joy to me
How can I tell you
What it means to me?
Flow like a lazy river
For an eternity
I've finally found someone
Who believes in me, (who believes (x 2) in me)
And I'll never leave (Now I’ve found all I need)
Oh - Oh, not to doubt now
Mmmm, ain’t life grand?
Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ah)
So that we may start anew (ah oo)
(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me
(To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me
(Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me
You're the biggest part of me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) From now until forever
You're the biggest part of me
You're the life that breathes in me
You're the biggest part of me
Mmmmm
You changed my life
You made it right
And I'll be a servant to you
For the rest of my life ahhh
You're the biggest part of me.... ahhh
It's very nice to date someone of my generation. I didn't think I could love someone more, but he did it. I respond very well to music... and he's pushing all the right buttons.
Wednesday
I like my current living arrangement, don't get me wrong. I love being able to continue to take care of Capn A and make him breakfast and lunch, and be his sounding board and ears. I'm going to miss him a huge lot when we move on with our lives.
But this morning, when I woke up next to Oddity, I knew I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. No matter how pissy he gets (his reaction to things unknown or unsure) or how adamant he is about something, I can deal with it. He's not the kind I can get up and make breakfast for, for instance, like I did for Capt A.
This morning, he snuggled his head into my chest and wrapped his arms around me and fell back asleep. I would kill for more moments like that. He is openly affectionate. He isn't the kind that doesn't want me around when we go out. He LIKES me being around him. I had gotten so used to not hanging around my SOs 'cause they wanted their space at public events, this attitude of wanting me near him instead of off on my own is ... indecribably incredible.
If and when we do have a life together, it is going to be challenging. He is NOT an easy person; he is older and set in his ways. I am a flexible person and consider myself lucky to be so. But I am also older and I do have a comfort level I am not willing to compromise.
We have time. I wish I didn't feel so torn about leaving Capt A on his own.
But this morning, when I woke up next to Oddity, I knew I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. No matter how pissy he gets (his reaction to things unknown or unsure) or how adamant he is about something, I can deal with it. He's not the kind I can get up and make breakfast for, for instance, like I did for Capt A.
This morning, he snuggled his head into my chest and wrapped his arms around me and fell back asleep. I would kill for more moments like that. He is openly affectionate. He isn't the kind that doesn't want me around when we go out. He LIKES me being around him. I had gotten so used to not hanging around my SOs 'cause they wanted their space at public events, this attitude of wanting me near him instead of off on my own is ... indecribably incredible.
If and when we do have a life together, it is going to be challenging. He is NOT an easy person; he is older and set in his ways. I am a flexible person and consider myself lucky to be so. But I am also older and I do have a comfort level I am not willing to compromise.
We have time. I wish I didn't feel so torn about leaving Capt A on his own.
Tuesday
I see Oddity within the next three hours. I'm 44, and I still feel this delicious sense of anticipation, a quiver of delight, at the thought of seeing him. He feels the same way, I think. He and I are going to go to a concert to see Combichrist; we're excited over that even as we are lamenting our lack of bounceback 'cause the next two days are going to be HARD, especially on him. But the major excitement isn't the concert; it's seeing each other. and he's older than i!
He talks about me and expresses his emotions about me. He puts it in writing!!!
I'm the one who excites him (oh, he's male, I know any female can - but I"M the focus!!!), I'm the one he thinks of. I'm the one. ME.
This thought is hard for me, it's amazing, it's new. I've had guys who were attracted to me, or who loved me in some way. But ... I think this is the first time that someone feels the way I do for them, for me. Truly in love.
Oh please let this be a forever thing!
He talks about me and expresses his emotions about me. He puts it in writing!!!
I'm the one who excites him (oh, he's male, I know any female can - but I"M the focus!!!), I'm the one he thinks of. I'm the one. ME.
This thought is hard for me, it's amazing, it's new. I've had guys who were attracted to me, or who loved me in some way. But ... I think this is the first time that someone feels the way I do for them, for me. Truly in love.
Oh please let this be a forever thing!
Monday
I make his heart sing. Me. I do. He loves me. ME. HE LOVES ME!!!!
"Monday, February 09, 2009 A reality Dream unfolds Current mood: thankful
Having just woke up a little while ago some thoughts have come to mind that i would like to share. I often have dreams that seem so real that when i wake up i feel like i've escaped the dream i was in or that i am still in the dream that was unfolding. I also sometimes feel myself (within the dream) trying real hard to focus on the face of someone in my dream without it ever really revealing the person. I remember there was this one time where i was dreaming that i would meet someone very special and there she was in my dream but i could not see the face of the person no matter how hard i tried but this one time i sensed her face was coming into focus and then i woke up, thus ending the dream..
(that last sentence may be one of the longest i have written)
In the spring of 2008 a reality dream unfolded. This time i was not asleep. She was in full focus. It just kind of developed and the more we came to know each other the more we wanted to see each other. I don't know exactly how to explain this, but we are each others lost half. I had practically given up on the idea of a solid relationship ever happening for me. I was not searching or hoping. We somehow just became one gradually and now i think about her all the time. She is pretty, sexy, educated, tough, ever cheerful, and full of hope and compassion, as well as love. We are still getting to know each other and taking our time. I could not be more lucky or blessed and i am very happy. I am truly in love.
That being said, it is good to have hope. It is important to like yourself and believe in yourself. Self confidence and being comfortable on your own is very crucial. Just be yourself and you will shine in someone's eyes. If you are lucky, you will feel the way i do.
It is good to dream.. "
He wrote that. He also wrote this:
"Saturday, February 07, 2009 FoReVeR ViCioUS Current mood: amorous
a chamber of echoes
filling empty spaces
tormenting me
makes me want you more
i take this aggression
piercing inside of you
and it feels vicious
and you are delicious
and nothing matters
you look inside me
my heart is not black
and you want more
i know you need more
a heart on fire
beating fierce
vicious for you
this feels like forever
i want nothing more"
And this:
"FEAST OF LOVERS Current mood: vibrant
tO TASTE,
lEAVING YOU WANTING,
tHIS FLESH,
wE DIE OF THIRST.
a KISS,
qUENCH YOUR DESIRES,
wANTING MORE,
a NEED TO FEED,
sAVORY.
oPEN YOUR HEART,
fEEL MY LOVE,
tHIS DEEP CARESS,
fOREVER.
tHE LAST MORSEL,
eVERY BIT,
fLESH FROM FLESH,
dIVINE.
sPREAD YOUR WINGS,
tHE ETERNAL,
wAITING LIKE VULTURES,
tHIS CEREMONY,
a FUNERAL FEAST OF LOVERS"
And This:
"ROMANCE is EVERYTHING Current mood: cheerful
love is
i look in your eyes, and all i see
is everything, the beautiful things
flower petals lay in your hands
it's all i can give, it's all i am
the love i feel inside,
you make my heart feel
inside these whispers
you are closer to me now
reach out your pretty hand
for the flowers of romance
when i see you it's beautiful
yes, you are my princess
and my heart is yours too
right next to you is all i want
and i want everything
so please accept,
the words of romance
these words are for you
and so am i
in love"
"PASSING TIME Current mood: romantic
A school boy sits idly shy wondering how his heart strings are being pulled by the girl he admires after he had lost all hope.
One small smile lets the sun shine through the window as she peeks out looking for him.
As clouds pass by they think of each other, two shadows standing side by side hand in hand.
If this feels like love then they feel everything.
One day at a time, nervous and anxious like the first day they laid eyes on one another.
Two hearts beating as one, dancing to the same song.
Turning the page inside this beautiful dream, waiting to see the smile that lights up their lives.
A school boy sits alone on the school steps, waiting for the pretty girl to return"
"and on the seventh day Current mood: romantic
she'll hear seven beats of my heart
twenty seven miles away
and like the distant thunder
she'll feel my presence nearby
when i look into the silver mirror
her lips i wish were close to mine
and i can feel myself alone
wanting her here next to me
seven kisses blowing in the wind
each one destined for her
like the times we spend together
when all i want is to be with her
she'll know that my aim is true
and on the seventh day
there's love inside of our hearts
when she is in my arms again"
I love him. I love my Oddity. I love My RayZOR.
Monday, December 29, 2008 CLOSER TO THE SUN
walking towards the sun
following her
like shadows follow me
pulling my heart strings
following love
like a ray of sunshine
blue skies smile upon me
feeling her warmth
following close
closer to the sun
my love inside her heart
her shadow next to mine
Friday, December 12, 2008 THE BLUE GIRL
oN A BLUE SKY MORNING ANGEL BIRDS SING.
sUNLIGHT STREAKS THROUGH THE MINI BLINDS.
tHE BLUE GIRL'S FACE BURSTS INTO HAPPINESS.
sHE DANCES IN THE SHADE OF A TALL TREE.
wAITING FOR HER LOVE AT THE END OF THE DAY.
sO PRETTY LIKE THE RAINBOWS AFTER RAIN.
aN ANGELS HEART BEATING INSIDE HER CHEST.
wAITING FOR THE SHADOW OF HER TRUE LOVE.
tHE SUN SHINES ON HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN.
aND THE BLUE GIRL SINGS AS SHE DANCES AWAY.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 into the shadow
One heart beating fierce
dancing in the shadows
and i watch
standing in the moonlight
this pulsating beat
getting inside of my head
clutching my chest
my heart pounds
and i am at peace
shining in this moment
and i dance
into the shadow
and i watch myself
nothing ever more fierce
this is like a memory
i once had of heaven
and i'm falling into you
for this is who i am
i'm giving it all away
the shadow of my heart
Saturday, November 08, 2008 BLOSSOM
One fLOWER
oNE Light
One dREAM
oNE Chance
So bEAUTIFUL
pRETTY Petals
Taken One by One
I LOVE YOU
iN SunShine
And Also iN rAIN
wE bLOSSOM
We Can Still Dream
And this one was about me and my kids, in part:
Friday, October 24, 2008 THE CONCRETE WALLS
she's taking her long dive
i'm catching all of her tears
and the deeper that it gets
the deeper i know i will go.
and she's coming up for air
but only for a short while.
these monkeys will play
and they'll get into trouble
and this is where i sigh.
the restless waters converge
those that once stood still.
were we this far apart ?
when you were next door.
did he take it for granted ?
that she's always been there.
always when you fall apart
and fuck up time and again.
and even then my friend
with all of her soft heart
she gave everything to you.
and then some more.
but it's never enough
to say "i love you"
when you tear her apart.
these moonlit skies
sliver and silver tongue
searching for lost souls
that are buried alone
among the burning stars.
and now you are asleep
without any windows.
are there any mirrors ?
please look inside yourself
before it becomes too much.
before you are too late.
"Monday, February 09, 2009 A reality Dream unfolds Current mood: thankful
Having just woke up a little while ago some thoughts have come to mind that i would like to share. I often have dreams that seem so real that when i wake up i feel like i've escaped the dream i was in or that i am still in the dream that was unfolding. I also sometimes feel myself (within the dream) trying real hard to focus on the face of someone in my dream without it ever really revealing the person. I remember there was this one time where i was dreaming that i would meet someone very special and there she was in my dream but i could not see the face of the person no matter how hard i tried but this one time i sensed her face was coming into focus and then i woke up, thus ending the dream..
(that last sentence may be one of the longest i have written)
In the spring of 2008 a reality dream unfolded. This time i was not asleep. She was in full focus. It just kind of developed and the more we came to know each other the more we wanted to see each other. I don't know exactly how to explain this, but we are each others lost half. I had practically given up on the idea of a solid relationship ever happening for me. I was not searching or hoping. We somehow just became one gradually and now i think about her all the time. She is pretty, sexy, educated, tough, ever cheerful, and full of hope and compassion, as well as love. We are still getting to know each other and taking our time. I could not be more lucky or blessed and i am very happy. I am truly in love.
That being said, it is good to have hope. It is important to like yourself and believe in yourself. Self confidence and being comfortable on your own is very crucial. Just be yourself and you will shine in someone's eyes. If you are lucky, you will feel the way i do.
It is good to dream.. "
He wrote that. He also wrote this:
"Saturday, February 07, 2009 FoReVeR ViCioUS Current mood: amorous
a chamber of echoes
filling empty spaces
tormenting me
makes me want you more
i take this aggression
piercing inside of you
and it feels vicious
and you are delicious
and nothing matters
you look inside me
my heart is not black
and you want more
i know you need more
a heart on fire
beating fierce
vicious for you
this feels like forever
i want nothing more"
And this:
"FEAST OF LOVERS Current mood: vibrant
tO TASTE,
lEAVING YOU WANTING,
tHIS FLESH,
wE DIE OF THIRST.
a KISS,
qUENCH YOUR DESIRES,
wANTING MORE,
a NEED TO FEED,
sAVORY.
oPEN YOUR HEART,
fEEL MY LOVE,
tHIS DEEP CARESS,
fOREVER.
tHE LAST MORSEL,
eVERY BIT,
fLESH FROM FLESH,
dIVINE.
sPREAD YOUR WINGS,
tHE ETERNAL,
wAITING LIKE VULTURES,
tHIS CEREMONY,
a FUNERAL FEAST OF LOVERS"
And This:
"ROMANCE is EVERYTHING Current mood: cheerful
love is
i look in your eyes, and all i see
is everything, the beautiful things
flower petals lay in your hands
it's all i can give, it's all i am
the love i feel inside,
you make my heart feel
inside these whispers
you are closer to me now
reach out your pretty hand
for the flowers of romance
when i see you it's beautiful
yes, you are my princess
and my heart is yours too
right next to you is all i want
and i want everything
so please accept,
the words of romance
these words are for you
and so am i
in love"
"PASSING TIME Current mood: romantic
A school boy sits idly shy wondering how his heart strings are being pulled by the girl he admires after he had lost all hope.
One small smile lets the sun shine through the window as she peeks out looking for him.
As clouds pass by they think of each other, two shadows standing side by side hand in hand.
If this feels like love then they feel everything.
One day at a time, nervous and anxious like the first day they laid eyes on one another.
Two hearts beating as one, dancing to the same song.
Turning the page inside this beautiful dream, waiting to see the smile that lights up their lives.
A school boy sits alone on the school steps, waiting for the pretty girl to return"
"and on the seventh day Current mood: romantic
she'll hear seven beats of my heart
twenty seven miles away
and like the distant thunder
she'll feel my presence nearby
when i look into the silver mirror
her lips i wish were close to mine
and i can feel myself alone
wanting her here next to me
seven kisses blowing in the wind
each one destined for her
like the times we spend together
when all i want is to be with her
she'll know that my aim is true
and on the seventh day
there's love inside of our hearts
when she is in my arms again"
I love him. I love my Oddity. I love My RayZOR.
Monday, December 29, 2008 CLOSER TO THE SUN
walking towards the sun
following her
like shadows follow me
pulling my heart strings
following love
like a ray of sunshine
blue skies smile upon me
feeling her warmth
following close
closer to the sun
my love inside her heart
her shadow next to mine
Friday, December 12, 2008 THE BLUE GIRL
oN A BLUE SKY MORNING ANGEL BIRDS SING.
sUNLIGHT STREAKS THROUGH THE MINI BLINDS.
tHE BLUE GIRL'S FACE BURSTS INTO HAPPINESS.
sHE DANCES IN THE SHADE OF A TALL TREE.
wAITING FOR HER LOVE AT THE END OF THE DAY.
sO PRETTY LIKE THE RAINBOWS AFTER RAIN.
aN ANGELS HEART BEATING INSIDE HER CHEST.
wAITING FOR THE SHADOW OF HER TRUE LOVE.
tHE SUN SHINES ON HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN.
aND THE BLUE GIRL SINGS AS SHE DANCES AWAY.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 into the shadow
One heart beating fierce
dancing in the shadows
and i watch
standing in the moonlight
this pulsating beat
getting inside of my head
clutching my chest
my heart pounds
and i am at peace
shining in this moment
and i dance
into the shadow
and i watch myself
nothing ever more fierce
this is like a memory
i once had of heaven
and i'm falling into you
for this is who i am
i'm giving it all away
the shadow of my heart
Saturday, November 08, 2008 BLOSSOM
One fLOWER
oNE Light
One dREAM
oNE Chance
So bEAUTIFUL
pRETTY Petals
Taken One by One
I LOVE YOU
iN SunShine
And Also iN rAIN
wE bLOSSOM
We Can Still Dream
And this one was about me and my kids, in part:
Friday, October 24, 2008 THE CONCRETE WALLS
she's taking her long dive
i'm catching all of her tears
and the deeper that it gets
the deeper i know i will go.
and she's coming up for air
but only for a short while.
these monkeys will play
and they'll get into trouble
and this is where i sigh.
the restless waters converge
those that once stood still.
were we this far apart ?
when you were next door.
did he take it for granted ?
that she's always been there.
always when you fall apart
and fuck up time and again.
and even then my friend
with all of her soft heart
she gave everything to you.
and then some more.
but it's never enough
to say "i love you"
when you tear her apart.
these moonlit skies
sliver and silver tongue
searching for lost souls
that are buried alone
among the burning stars.
and now you are asleep
without any windows.
are there any mirrors ?
please look inside yourself
before it becomes too much.
before you are too late.
Sunday
It is physical pain to leave Oddity. I want to be near him. I know I've said it before about others, and there must be a reason for this. I am complete around him. I admire his creativity, I like his pissy moods, I love his kinks, his random wierdness. I don't like bars, but i can enjoy them around him.
Suddenly I seem to be attractive to people. I know what it is; I am alive again. I am active and out there, dancing and flirty and full of energy. I had shut down after Lord Dragon and for the time I was with Capt A, I did not open up enough.
Now I'm alive. Everything turns me on; everything is new. I am excited about my life and my future. I want to be where I can be me. It will cost.
I went through my books upstairs and I can't see myself without them. Oddity did let everything go. How can I let go of my bestest friends? Those books make me feel safe, and I don't want to let them go. Where men and friends can let you down, you can always depend on a book for consistency and stability... LOL
For housewarming, whenever I get an apartment, the only gifts I want are book cases. That's all I want. I can get everything else. But I can't have enough bookcases.
Suddenly I seem to be attractive to people. I know what it is; I am alive again. I am active and out there, dancing and flirty and full of energy. I had shut down after Lord Dragon and for the time I was with Capt A, I did not open up enough.
Now I'm alive. Everything turns me on; everything is new. I am excited about my life and my future. I want to be where I can be me. It will cost.
I went through my books upstairs and I can't see myself without them. Oddity did let everything go. How can I let go of my bestest friends? Those books make me feel safe, and I don't want to let them go. Where men and friends can let you down, you can always depend on a book for consistency and stability... LOL
For housewarming, whenever I get an apartment, the only gifts I want are book cases. That's all I want. I can get everything else. But I can't have enough bookcases.
Thursday
all I want is you
in the middle of the night,
to wake next to you
feel your breath on my skin
your arms around me.
You're the ghost inside my head
so alone without you,
When we're together
I see no one else.
So far away, but one day
We will be together
I love your smile
the shy glint of your eyes
Your laugh, the secrets within
the shadows without.
You are everything
all I ever wanted
all I ever needed
all I ever loved.
In your room, in your arms
safe and loved and desired
wanted, complete, in you.
Touch by touch
you're my alltime lover
skin to skin, close under the covers
You're the one and only
my sacred, my holy
just what I needed
Your heart is my favorite body part
And I possess it.
I want to kiss you all over
Made for loving you
you are exquisite torture,
sublime release, ecstacy
poetry in motion.
These are only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away.
in the middle of the night,
to wake next to you
feel your breath on my skin
your arms around me.
You're the ghost inside my head
so alone without you,
When we're together
I see no one else.
So far away, but one day
We will be together
I love your smile
the shy glint of your eyes
Your laugh, the secrets within
the shadows without.
You are everything
all I ever wanted
all I ever needed
all I ever loved.
In your room, in your arms
safe and loved and desired
wanted, complete, in you.
Touch by touch
you're my alltime lover
skin to skin, close under the covers
You're the one and only
my sacred, my holy
just what I needed
Your heart is my favorite body part
And I possess it.
I want to kiss you all over
Made for loving you
you are exquisite torture,
sublime release, ecstacy
poetry in motion.
These are only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away.
too many distractions to be able to write something heartfelt for Oddity. I wish I could let it just flow but some things are too raw and a bit too raunchy.
Listening to music and wishing for the time I had as a kid to make the songs stories. I would arrange music (didn't matter the genre) to 'tell' a story. Like Running Man by Al Stewart would do well with Pursuit by Icon of Coil, Like Tears In Rain by Covenant, Tears in Rain by The Retrosic (the monologue from Blade Runner when the replicant was dying). I know there's more, from other genres, but I can't think of them now and I can't just pay attention.
Had an interview in Lancaster yesterday. While technically the interview went well, I do not think I am going to get that job. I fully felt that whatever rapport we had over the phone was canceled in the face to face. But who knows; it may work out. I hope, even though I don't think this one will pan out. There will be other jobs and other opportunities.
And I so wish I could just stay at my job, get my license, get a car and get paid more at my job, 'cause I really do like what I am doing now. If wishes were pennies.....
Missing Oddity. Was nice to wake up next to him on a workday. I know we can't live together yet - trust me, the way I am and the way he is, there will be super clashes and the conflict will kill the relationship. We both have a lot of adjustments to make.
I am going to apply to Kaplan University online for paralegal skills. I need to up my own technical knowhow and get better jobs.
Listening to music and wishing for the time I had as a kid to make the songs stories. I would arrange music (didn't matter the genre) to 'tell' a story. Like Running Man by Al Stewart would do well with Pursuit by Icon of Coil, Like Tears In Rain by Covenant, Tears in Rain by The Retrosic (the monologue from Blade Runner when the replicant was dying). I know there's more, from other genres, but I can't think of them now and I can't just pay attention.
Had an interview in Lancaster yesterday. While technically the interview went well, I do not think I am going to get that job. I fully felt that whatever rapport we had over the phone was canceled in the face to face. But who knows; it may work out. I hope, even though I don't think this one will pan out. There will be other jobs and other opportunities.
And I so wish I could just stay at my job, get my license, get a car and get paid more at my job, 'cause I really do like what I am doing now. If wishes were pennies.....
Missing Oddity. Was nice to wake up next to him on a workday. I know we can't live together yet - trust me, the way I am and the way he is, there will be super clashes and the conflict will kill the relationship. We both have a lot of adjustments to make.
I am going to apply to Kaplan University online for paralegal skills. I need to up my own technical knowhow and get better jobs.
I just received an email in indonesian from what was supposedly Google letting me know that my blog was at this location, and that it was registered to my gmail addy, and that if I needed help or needed to find my password, etc etc etc.
So I think it was a spoof. 'Cause, you see, when I open blogger, it automatically signs me in. But when I clicked on the link provided, IT DIDN'T.
And really,... why would Google send me a message in Indonesian? (Oh, how do I know? I've a knack for recognizing words as part of a language group, and 'silakan' looks like silat and silat reminds me of that part of the world.)
I used google translate (which, at this point in time, due to the range of languages, is superior to Babelfish) and found out what the body of the message said.
Still rather wierd.
So I think it was a spoof. 'Cause, you see, when I open blogger, it automatically signs me in. But when I clicked on the link provided, IT DIDN'T.
And really,... why would Google send me a message in Indonesian? (Oh, how do I know? I've a knack for recognizing words as part of a language group, and 'silakan' looks like silat and silat reminds me of that part of the world.)
I used google translate (which, at this point in time, due to the range of languages, is superior to Babelfish) and found out what the body of the message said.
Still rather wierd.
Wednesday
Moments:
Crossing the street at Mt Rose, did I wait? I don't remember. I noted the pretty blue color of the car coming up, and I ran across, and then it occurred to me that I was going to get hit - the car did speed up a bit, did not see me. I felt the impact, felt my face slam into something, I spun, saw sky. Realized that I had made a full revolution. I landed. I don't think the impact itself registered from the shock. Just that I had got hit and rolled over the car; it had not stopped short. I was both feeling awfully sorry for myself for 2 seconds and hugely guilty for the horror the driver would be feeling. I checked my body with my senses; there was pain but more than anything just shock at the impact and resignation at the incident. It happened. I had to flow with it. Suddenly a woman with large sunglasses came up; I realize she had been crying out, "Oh my god, someone call 911" and to me, "are you okay?" I answered, realized that I was shaking uncontrollably. I asked for my bag and explained it was my daughter's xmas present. I told someone to take my phone from my pocket and call Capt A. I noted that some guy was calling 911. Other people came round. So did the driver. Oh the guilt I felt! She was crying, I think and I asked to take her hand and apologized. The lady with the glasses was joined by an off duty emt lady and I asked her to please raise my knees, that my back was in alot of pain, even though my knees hurt. The muscles of my legs were spasming as was my lower back. Perhaps it was all my back; I was shivering too hard to really tell. but as soon as my knees came up, my back relaxed. I was coherent and alert throughout it all - but I was shaking like if I was convulsing.
I broke my hip at the pubic bone, the rarest of breaks and easily the hardest to do. The safest, to boot; most injuries of the hip are pretty catastrophic when breakage is involved.
Memories:
Needing to pee soooo bad that the xray techs joked about how visible it was. And then, finally, giving in (no one was going to let me off that board until they were sure I hadn't broken my back in some way, which I hadn't, or damaged my hips worse). I got the bed pan, arched my back (so much for broken back and hips...) and with my shoulders STILL ON THAT BOARD, sat on the bedpan and PEED for like an eternity. OMG WHAT A RELIEF.
In that four hour period, I had to do that once more.. rivers, man. rivers.
My eldest crying hysterically on the phone (I can't listen to my kids cry without falling apart.) Fearing that my youngest would fall apart. Hearing my son's voice crack with tears on the phone. I'm fine, guys. Your mom is made of rubber and steel. I was fine until my kids called me.
Capt A being there, patient, understanding, communicating with Oddity and my parents. I wish it could have worked with him. Oddity has my heart.
After four hours in the hospital strapped to that fucking board, I got home in terrible pain. But I could deal with it. I tried to dance. RIGHT. Wall Of Fail. Yes, RIGHT AFTER GETTING HOME. Moving to music is like breathing. well, not right now though!
Realizing the oxycodone was giving me dizzy spells.
Realizing that I was deathly dizzy all the time by Thursday night. Especially while I was trying to satisfy my oral fixations. NOT a pleasant trip at all. Will NEVER take codeine again.
Memory:
Oddity tells me he will come home with a surprise. He comes home wearing nothing but his coat. The thought makes me tingle and dance in so many places. I love that man.
Memory: Xmas morning wrapping his arms around me. Meeting his brother for the first time (with a black eye!!!) His being so kind and far too aggravatingly protective.
Memory: falling asleep in his arms. always.
Memory: Realizing there was no more intense pain from my hip!
Crossing the street at Mt Rose, did I wait? I don't remember. I noted the pretty blue color of the car coming up, and I ran across, and then it occurred to me that I was going to get hit - the car did speed up a bit, did not see me. I felt the impact, felt my face slam into something, I spun, saw sky. Realized that I had made a full revolution. I landed. I don't think the impact itself registered from the shock. Just that I had got hit and rolled over the car; it had not stopped short. I was both feeling awfully sorry for myself for 2 seconds and hugely guilty for the horror the driver would be feeling. I checked my body with my senses; there was pain but more than anything just shock at the impact and resignation at the incident. It happened. I had to flow with it. Suddenly a woman with large sunglasses came up; I realize she had been crying out, "Oh my god, someone call 911" and to me, "are you okay?" I answered, realized that I was shaking uncontrollably. I asked for my bag and explained it was my daughter's xmas present. I told someone to take my phone from my pocket and call Capt A. I noted that some guy was calling 911. Other people came round. So did the driver. Oh the guilt I felt! She was crying, I think and I asked to take her hand and apologized. The lady with the glasses was joined by an off duty emt lady and I asked her to please raise my knees, that my back was in alot of pain, even though my knees hurt. The muscles of my legs were spasming as was my lower back. Perhaps it was all my back; I was shivering too hard to really tell. but as soon as my knees came up, my back relaxed. I was coherent and alert throughout it all - but I was shaking like if I was convulsing.
I broke my hip at the pubic bone, the rarest of breaks and easily the hardest to do. The safest, to boot; most injuries of the hip are pretty catastrophic when breakage is involved.
Memories:
Needing to pee soooo bad that the xray techs joked about how visible it was. And then, finally, giving in (no one was going to let me off that board until they were sure I hadn't broken my back in some way, which I hadn't, or damaged my hips worse). I got the bed pan, arched my back (so much for broken back and hips...) and with my shoulders STILL ON THAT BOARD, sat on the bedpan and PEED for like an eternity. OMG WHAT A RELIEF.
In that four hour period, I had to do that once more.. rivers, man. rivers.
My eldest crying hysterically on the phone (I can't listen to my kids cry without falling apart.) Fearing that my youngest would fall apart. Hearing my son's voice crack with tears on the phone. I'm fine, guys. Your mom is made of rubber and steel. I was fine until my kids called me.
Capt A being there, patient, understanding, communicating with Oddity and my parents. I wish it could have worked with him. Oddity has my heart.
After four hours in the hospital strapped to that fucking board, I got home in terrible pain. But I could deal with it. I tried to dance. RIGHT. Wall Of Fail. Yes, RIGHT AFTER GETTING HOME. Moving to music is like breathing. well, not right now though!
Realizing the oxycodone was giving me dizzy spells.
Realizing that I was deathly dizzy all the time by Thursday night. Especially while I was trying to satisfy my oral fixations. NOT a pleasant trip at all. Will NEVER take codeine again.
Memory:
Oddity tells me he will come home with a surprise. He comes home wearing nothing but his coat. The thought makes me tingle and dance in so many places. I love that man.
Memory: Xmas morning wrapping his arms around me. Meeting his brother for the first time (with a black eye!!!) His being so kind and far too aggravatingly protective.
Memory: falling asleep in his arms. always.
Memory: Realizing there was no more intense pain from my hip!
Tuesday
So... I got hit by a car Sunday, 12/21, at about 4:20pm at Mt. Rose & Haines. I.. well... I ran into the turn lane thinking the car woudl see me. when I realized impact was imminent, I realized the driver had not seen me.
Ouch.
I rolled over the passenger side and landed with my feet on the curb I was trying to reach, but the rest of me was on the road. People stopped and took care of me. I was shaking alot, both from cold and shock. But I was lucid and coherent.
I had someone call Capt A. He was closer and more familiar with everything. It hurt Oddity a little, but he's an adult and knows the situation. Capt A is pretty damn wonderful in his own right. After all the xrays and CATscans et al, he sat with me in the trauma center while the results were being processed. At one point, he got up to go to eat something, and the nurse said it was obvious he was still very much in love with me.
Ouch.
Oddity came by to see me last night and I know as much as I still feel for Capt A, I want to be with Oddity. Capt A and I get along on sooooo many things and we fit so many ways well together. But Oddity really feels like my other half. I feel we complement each other.
Not to mention I love him to death and am powerfully attracted to him even when I disagree with him.
I feel more appreciated with Oddity, for some reason. Like everything I do means something to him, directly, emotionally. I feel more connected to him. I want to be on my own to show that I can be, and to make him feel a little more secure about me.
One thing I definitely am learning out here - you HAVE to be able to fend for yourself. NYC, I didn't choose well. Out here, you're not the only one choosing.
I need to drive. I hope that my driving test is not an utter failure.
Off to soak in epson salts. Oh, car accident: broke the right side of my pubic bone and putative fracture of one of the thoracic vertabrae, and my face looks like a southpaw took a swing. Out of work for three days - lost all taht OT! - at doctor's orders.
But I essentially 'walked away' from this one. I don't want to do this again. It was frightening.
Ouch.
I rolled over the passenger side and landed with my feet on the curb I was trying to reach, but the rest of me was on the road. People stopped and took care of me. I was shaking alot, both from cold and shock. But I was lucid and coherent.
I had someone call Capt A. He was closer and more familiar with everything. It hurt Oddity a little, but he's an adult and knows the situation. Capt A is pretty damn wonderful in his own right. After all the xrays and CATscans et al, he sat with me in the trauma center while the results were being processed. At one point, he got up to go to eat something, and the nurse said it was obvious he was still very much in love with me.
Ouch.
Oddity came by to see me last night and I know as much as I still feel for Capt A, I want to be with Oddity. Capt A and I get along on sooooo many things and we fit so many ways well together. But Oddity really feels like my other half. I feel we complement each other.
Not to mention I love him to death and am powerfully attracted to him even when I disagree with him.
I feel more appreciated with Oddity, for some reason. Like everything I do means something to him, directly, emotionally. I feel more connected to him. I want to be on my own to show that I can be, and to make him feel a little more secure about me.
One thing I definitely am learning out here - you HAVE to be able to fend for yourself. NYC, I didn't choose well. Out here, you're not the only one choosing.
I need to drive. I hope that my driving test is not an utter failure.
Off to soak in epson salts. Oh, car accident: broke the right side of my pubic bone and putative fracture of one of the thoracic vertabrae, and my face looks like a southpaw took a swing. Out of work for three days - lost all taht OT! - at doctor's orders.
But I essentially 'walked away' from this one. I don't want to do this again. It was frightening.
Monday
Too much emotion. I love Oddity pretty well nuts. I wish my kids would get it together. I wish I could help Capt A more. I want a new job. whine whine bitch moan rant rave wah wah.
I want to be with Oddity pretty badly. Reinitiating job searches, but we all know the truth of the matter is that until the economy turns, I'm stuck. and I have to learn to drive no matter what. something's gonna have to give.
rats.
I want to be with Oddity pretty badly. Reinitiating job searches, but we all know the truth of the matter is that until the economy turns, I'm stuck. and I have to learn to drive no matter what. something's gonna have to give.
rats.
Wednesday
I love him. Oddity is perfect.
Okay, there are and will always be issues. We are learning about each other and he's got his issues with me - my nondriving, my needy kids, my physical distance, my spanish. I have a few too - his surliness when he's had a little too much to drink, his inability to just accept.
I inadvertently hurt him by leaving Sunday morning without attempting to wake him up. I did, but I did not want him to bitch or rant - even if it wasn't at me, I couldn't deal with it after the last two drunk surly sorties. But I hate myself for making him cry. Gods, but I love the man. My heart breaks when I remember, and I know that when I explained to him his behavior, he also hurt.
We're adults. We'll deal. I want to be with him and I'm fully aware we're still not fully a year together. I won't wish, or hope, that he is The One. On the other hand, I want to make it happen. I want him to be The One. If there is such a thing. He feels so right next to me. I feel right next to him. I hope he doesn't change. And yet, I hope we grow together.
I hope we become so interlaced that neither of us can live without the other.
Okay, there are and will always be issues. We are learning about each other and he's got his issues with me - my nondriving, my needy kids, my physical distance, my spanish. I have a few too - his surliness when he's had a little too much to drink, his inability to just accept.
I inadvertently hurt him by leaving Sunday morning without attempting to wake him up. I did, but I did not want him to bitch or rant - even if it wasn't at me, I couldn't deal with it after the last two drunk surly sorties. But I hate myself for making him cry. Gods, but I love the man. My heart breaks when I remember, and I know that when I explained to him his behavior, he also hurt.
We're adults. We'll deal. I want to be with him and I'm fully aware we're still not fully a year together. I won't wish, or hope, that he is The One. On the other hand, I want to make it happen. I want him to be The One. If there is such a thing. He feels so right next to me. I feel right next to him. I hope he doesn't change. And yet, I hope we grow together.
I hope we become so interlaced that neither of us can live without the other.
Friday
I'm in a mood. I know part of it is 'cause I want to spend time with Oddity (alone time, preferably naked) and this is a form of emotional temper tantrum. This feeds into the whole 'I don't drive and life sucks' thing, and I'm frustrated because I could be working for more money and am simply not focused enough. I don't know if I can get to see my daughter at the residential facility or if she can sleep over with me (I have to find a place we can sleep over at, 'cause Capt A doesn't want her here). I don't make enough money at all.
And Assemblage 23 has lots of dark, almost suicidal songs. I know that Failure has to be a son asking his parent why his parent committed suicide. There's another song, rather sweetly folksy, but very dark, by Innocence Mission, called You Are The Light, which seriously seems to be about someone visiting the house of someone who died. NOT the best of listening things during winter. gah.
And the pain in my hip is back.
I want my Oddity. Wah.
And Assemblage 23 has lots of dark, almost suicidal songs. I know that Failure has to be a son asking his parent why his parent committed suicide. There's another song, rather sweetly folksy, but very dark, by Innocence Mission, called You Are The Light, which seriously seems to be about someone visiting the house of someone who died. NOT the best of listening things during winter. gah.
And the pain in my hip is back.
I want my Oddity. Wah.
Monday
So Temptation shuts down our link so that he can heal. It is rough on him I know; and I know I'm being selfish when I say I wish he didn't have to do that.
Oddity and I had a very good weekend. It was my b'day on Saturday; DancingBean and Oddity planned a dance roadtrip for my b'day Friday night. I could not go home with Oddity Friday night and that broke my heart. But I got to go over Saturday.
I love being around him. I'll admit it, I'm a goner for him.
Driving home on the highway, there was an overbridge that looked like if it opened to another world - over it was dark sky, but under it was bright gold. In fact, it framed a well lit factory wall.
We ate at a diner and I had the sudden feeling that we were in one of those movies, like the one with Woody Harrelson and that chick wherein the song ShitList comes in, or something like The Day The Earth Stood Still, or an X-files movie, or the one where Nicholas Cage can see several minutes into possible futures and reset. See, the diner is one of those old fashioned shiny ones, with the flourescent lights, and it was dark outside, and someone started up the jukebox with some bluesy country song... and it was surreal. Either this diner would be the last oasis of humanity, or hell on earth. It would be a crossroads of temporal events or the place where Arthur Dent finds out the earth is due for demolition. I was in a fanciful headspace, what can I say?
I missed my dog. I wish I could have my world as I want it.
My son never called me for my b'day. He is going to PAY.
Edit: He called Thursday. He leaves for Boot Camp in May, they tell him, because MEPS is full. Hrm. He should join the Peace Corp or Job Corp or something that keeps him out of trouble. Here's to hoping.
Oddity and I had a very good weekend. It was my b'day on Saturday; DancingBean and Oddity planned a dance roadtrip for my b'day Friday night. I could not go home with Oddity Friday night and that broke my heart. But I got to go over Saturday.
I love being around him. I'll admit it, I'm a goner for him.
Driving home on the highway, there was an overbridge that looked like if it opened to another world - over it was dark sky, but under it was bright gold. In fact, it framed a well lit factory wall.
We ate at a diner and I had the sudden feeling that we were in one of those movies, like the one with Woody Harrelson and that chick wherein the song ShitList comes in, or something like The Day The Earth Stood Still, or an X-files movie, or the one where Nicholas Cage can see several minutes into possible futures and reset. See, the diner is one of those old fashioned shiny ones, with the flourescent lights, and it was dark outside, and someone started up the jukebox with some bluesy country song... and it was surreal. Either this diner would be the last oasis of humanity, or hell on earth. It would be a crossroads of temporal events or the place where Arthur Dent finds out the earth is due for demolition. I was in a fanciful headspace, what can I say?
I missed my dog. I wish I could have my world as I want it.
My son never called me for my b'day. He is going to PAY.
Edit: He called Thursday. He leaves for Boot Camp in May, they tell him, because MEPS is full. Hrm. He should join the Peace Corp or Job Corp or something that keeps him out of trouble. Here's to hoping.
Sunday
I'm sick. Not sure what I have. Friday I felt like I was overheating and simply couldn't think. Every bone in my body hurt, ached, felt like it was on fire. Even my face.
It comes and goes. mebbe it's the Change (and I would be SO FUCKING HAPPY). Or, my body is fighting the flu. OR, I had started drinking a tea with Acai Berry (a Zinger by Celestial Seasonings) and my body simply doesn't like it. Hrm...
Oddity and I had a great weekend. We are comfortable together, even when we argue. Okay, I don't argue 'cause I know I'm not going to get my point across. He is a little difficult sometimes, but that's the way he is. Direct, simple and straightforward. I tend to be more convoluted. A LOT geekier. eh.
Jobs: Went on an interview Thursday in Harrisburg; got a request for an interview IN YORK Saturday. I get this feeling things will fall into place, but let me not count my chickens before they hatch. Heh, they're not even laid, yet!
Got my story into NanoWriMo - now to expand and work on it. I personally think it's too wordy. I need space and time to focus on it.
My birthday's this weekend. I am a proud 44 years old.
It comes and goes. mebbe it's the Change (and I would be SO FUCKING HAPPY). Or, my body is fighting the flu. OR, I had started drinking a tea with Acai Berry (a Zinger by Celestial Seasonings) and my body simply doesn't like it. Hrm...
Oddity and I had a great weekend. We are comfortable together, even when we argue. Okay, I don't argue 'cause I know I'm not going to get my point across. He is a little difficult sometimes, but that's the way he is. Direct, simple and straightforward. I tend to be more convoluted. A LOT geekier. eh.
Jobs: Went on an interview Thursday in Harrisburg; got a request for an interview IN YORK Saturday. I get this feeling things will fall into place, but let me not count my chickens before they hatch. Heh, they're not even laid, yet!
Got my story into NanoWriMo - now to expand and work on it. I personally think it's too wordy. I need space and time to focus on it.
My birthday's this weekend. I am a proud 44 years old.
Monday
So tired.
So very tired of the drama
of the push/pull of my heart
of the cacophony in my head.
So sleepy.
Why can't I just sleep
Fall into endless slumber
Never wake up again.
I know
Giving up is not an option
Running away is not a given
But oh, to sleep
and never have to deal with
any of this ever again.
To sleep
without dreams
endlessly.
So very tired of the drama
of the push/pull of my heart
of the cacophony in my head.
So sleepy.
Why can't I just sleep
Fall into endless slumber
Never wake up again.
I know
Giving up is not an option
Running away is not a given
But oh, to sleep
and never have to deal with
any of this ever again.
To sleep
without dreams
endlessly.
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