oh goddess i'm heartsick. please send my baby girl back to me.

I don't care what she's done. don't let her disappear.

O M G.

My youngest slept with the husband of a friend of hers and her sister's.. and that cowardly bastard told his wife (whom I consider another of my daughters, honestly) and that created a confrontation IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS' home in Brooklyn.

My son gleefully called to let me know that my youngest had been thrown out of the house. My mother refuses to talk to anyone in her grief and shame. My eldest won't have anything to do with her. I haven't spoken to my dad yet. My brother is stunned by it all. I can't even imagine what my sister in laws think of all this.

But.. can't anyone see she's crying out for attention? I want her with me again. I know she's trouble; I know it's like pressing a viper to my bosom. BUT SHE'S MY CHILD!!! SHE'S MY BABY! And her behavior is MY fault, for abandoning her.

I can't even begin to react. I just want to hold her and let her know though she totally and royally fucked up, she's still my child and I still love her. Yes, I'm horrified at what she did, but in my family, really, who HASN'T done what my youngest did? From my mom to my daughters, we ALL crossed that line. So why are they coming down so hard on my baby????

I wish they had listened to me and left her in the residential facility. But my parents have never listened to me. This is the fruit of THEIR hubris. Now if only I could take my youngest back, and pray that she could learn from her mistakes. :(

missing my kids but I really don't want to go to ny to see them. worried about my son very much. his speech is slurred and he doesn't realize it and i feel I know why - because of both the schizophrenia and the drug experimentation he's doing.

i'm worried for my youngest too, but funny I think she'll pull out better - yet she's so in danger being a female....

the eldest is wearing herself thin - she fell the other day, flat on her face, and I know that when we get tired, both mentally and physically and emotionally, we become uncoordinated and unfocused. I hope she takes a break.

I haven't heard from my granddaughter and this distance is killing me when it comes to her. I also worry for my parents' health and sanity. I wish at least one of my kids would either get lucky or just leave the area and grow somewhere else..

I am looking for new jobs and have started erasing my non-work presence online. I fear the mayhem and the madness that will come from trying to change my life yet again.

I dont' want to leave my dog!!! I want her with ME!!! but I dont want to settle for something substandard and/or dangerous either.

I am pretty sure having me closer is going to be more stressful on Oddity. I'm very certain of this fact, truth to tell. It will take another long period of time for him to be comfortable with that proximity. There will be issues. C'est la vie; what can a person do but accept? He is the way he is, and life shaped him that way. I am thankful that I can be accommodating, because ONE of us has to be!

Got two pairs of boots I like. one for dancing (professionally) so that i can wear them for the steamwerks ball, and one for regular stuff and perhaps dancing - they actually FIT me.

spent too much money. have to go into total scrooge mode for the next month to have money to spend at vacation w/Ray and his mom and to pay his mom back. I NEED to have at least $300 by July 9th.

but I want to get blue gauze or whatever that material is to make bloomers for my steamwerk outfit, blue bloomers and blue matching sleeves, and I have to get Lindsay to return the corset. I may have to make a tube top of blue too if I can't get that back....
and I need a pattern for the bloomers.

Esta manana, despues de dejar tiempo para la sinopsis fermentar en mi mente, pude terminar de ver "El Orfanato" dirijido por Guillermo Del Toro.

Que pelicula fanstastica. Es un deleite oir el accento espagnole - como hablan y enuncian las palabras, ajenas y familiares.

Ahora puedo verlo todo por completo, sin devolver en llantos de miedo y terror. Soy una cobarde con las peliculas de horror.

This morning, after giving the synopsis time to ferment in my mind, I finished watching "The Orphanage", directed by Guillermo Del Toro.

What a wonderful movie! It's a delight to hear the spanish accent - how the words are enunciated and spoken, both unknown and familiar vocabulary.

Now I could watch it again, complete, without falling apart in terror. I'm such a coward about horror movies.

I tried to watch The Orphanage Friday. It's a Spanish horror flick and I love anything done in Spanish, especially old Spanish cinema style. I, however, do NOT watch horror flicks or even read horror books, as I am far too impressionable and susceptible to suggestion.

Seriously. The atmospheric intensity of the movie, coupled with being alone at home (yes, full daylight and my dog was sitting next to me with no concern) threw me into hysterics during one scene so bad that I turned it off, called Capt A and freaked out. Crying and shaking. The works. Everything in the house was suddenly ominous. The hallway was suspect; the books in the bookcase across from the door in Capt A's room was a sinister, dangerous, foreboding presence.

Tried again with people in the house (simply could NOT watch alone anymore. I started to shake instantly) and hit another scene that threw me back into silent hysterics and trying to pause it, I totally lost the window.

That was okay. I ended up reading the synopsis of the movie on wikipedia; and so I will do so with any movie, as I've always done. I thought going into watching this movie without any previous information would show me why everyone flips out by knowing plot before watching or reading. Sorry. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS if I'm going to watch a movie like this. or you will have a totally hysterical shrieking me on your hands.

I still want to watch the movie through; but now I won't be so afraid as I know what will happen. It is VERY VERY VERY well done, by the way, and the story is pretty damn awesome.

But never again will I try to see a movie, especially something labeled horror, without knowing exactly what will happen. Just not built for that sort of suspense.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009
THE little GIRL
Once upon a time in a city of rust, there was a baby girl born inside an abandoned building. So many years ago the sunshine kissed the windows. Now streams of light poked through broken glass while she cried. Born with an unwanted cross placed on her back at such a young age, the weight was too heavy. An eager heart felt the burden too. Life passes by so quickly, and what once was home was abandoned. Sunshine comes only once a week but she dances in the rain every day. Her feet hurt while she dances to song after song as she winces in pain. One by one, the boys try to save her. One by one they fall away from her. Like the lone tree she noticed once in a blue moon in the city that never sleeps, she also felt alone. One day the sky fell while she slept. her ground kissed the sky that filled with all of her tears. A rusted heart could feel no more pouring rain but sunshine pointed her to a city of dreams. Through a wooden covered bridge and lush green trees all around, new hope replaced all of her emptiness. Looking back into the mirror of life the little girl was reborn. Her smile made her face even more pretty than it ever was before. For she felt and knew in her heart. One day there will be a little boy who won't fall away.

I am a lucky woman. For all that I have had happen to me, I have a nice face, a good body, lack of serious health concerns, good job skills, so I'm always employable, adaptable, well-read, have a wonderful boyfriend currently, and I'm aging well. I've few prejudices and lots of understanding.

I don't remember all these things; the blessings of my life, the things for which I am and should always be grateful for. The things that I can smile about.

So some days I am less than lucid; I feel like I struggle through molasses and unable to motivate; but lately I am forcing my way through it, because letting it defeat me, even for a day, is a luxury I should have never allowed to happen.

Other days I'm sharp and clear, and can see/hear/understand for miles. I treasure those days.

Is it wrong to be proud of the fact that I can't really gain weight? That I can be as cut as I want to just by working out a little harder everyday (doesn't take much)? That I do have a pleasant face and good body for approaching 45, and that I can move as much as I do despite the injuries I've had? And that I don't age much - my genetic heritage is to be younger than my years. I'm proud of these things, but sometimes it feels so wrong. Not everyone's as lucky as I am in these points - but they are more self confident, perhaps, or they are lucid thinkers (I'm clear thinking about 10 days a month...) or can handle their finances (I certainly can't) and have more success in their lives - house, kids under control, car, job.....

sometimes I look at myself and see the goofy, slightly out of shape, saggy woman with poor mental acuity 75% of the time and no luck in the 'grown-up' world; sometimes I catch myself in wonder at the cute/elegant woman in the mirror with a clear perspective and acceptance of her life and satisfaction with what she does possess.

I just have to remember it's only chemical...

olive skin next to rosy hue
your breath defines my world


yea. i'm obsessed. it has its highs and its lows. I have to be so very careful of my emotions; they veer wildly out of control with little provocation.

all i want to do lately is write about him. sheesh.

I live in his skin
his heart beats in my chest

analyzing my anxiety attack on tuesday, and part of it was the unfortunate price I pay for obsession. not much I can really do about it once it has taken hold; i have to nip it in the bud early for it not to trigger an episode like tuesday.

that with the rain and cold (I HATE the cold; no one understands how much it actually physically hurts - my skin hurts, my bones hurt, my joints hurt, everything hurts when I'm cold) plus having two papers due that I had barely really worked on - and the overwhelming desire NOT to face work - all those factors played into Tuesday's episode.

I drank about a full glass of rum to calm down; I did not get drunk, which is improbable as a shot makes me tipsy. my metabolism must have been overclocking; I was also constantly eating and could not feed myself enough. I could not stay still and when I did it was a maelstorm of noise and pain and emotion.

yea, don't want it happening again. could have been the food i ate over the weekend, too; which would mean that my body's extremely sensitive and THAT, my friends, is total fuckedupedness.

you know you have a problem when:

You can't stay still.
Your heart is racing.
You're paranoid
the door scares you.
you are shaking and cold and it is hot
your skin crawls
you want to scream and cry and there's no reason why
You're afraid to tell your boyfriend you think you're going insane
you can't focus on a goddamned thing
you fear losing your job whether you go in or not
-- because you're manic
I am manic. I am scared. I can't calm down. My fingers and toes are cold
and I'm wearing clothes and socks. My skin is crawling and I want to scream and cry and throw things. I'm not angry. I'm just fucking insane.

I walked out of my house to go to work and ran back home. I couldn't close the door fast enough.

I keep on retyping everything 'cause I make mistakes every other word.

I can't keep a full thought in my head.

Nothing is making sense. Except this. I hope this helps.

I dont' want to go through this any more!!!

He wrote the following to me as an email last night, 5/25/09, 10:27PM

"our weekend: As i saw you wave from the bus i could feel my eyes become tear filled. I turned the corner onto prince street and i cried a little. Selfishly, i wanted to give you a ride home. I wanted you to stay over. I have so many memories again of you this weekend. You are so nice and positive and fun. And patient with me. I know you would do anything for me. I feel the same way. I love when you wave from the window when i leave for work. It's like something from a TV show. I need to learn to go with the flow better. And be more positive. I am trying, i'm not used to it. I know it affects you more than you let on probably. This was the longest we have spent together, i think. I realize even more that i like you around. I miss you when you are not. I don't say it as much as you. it hurts a little to say it. I want you to be safe and happy. Everything you are doing pleases me and impresses me. Back to school, learning to drive, your job searching. I do like all the little things you do for me. I know you are trying to relieve my stress and workload. I thank you for everything you do. i love you so much. Sometimes i don't feel we have enough time. I look forward to the time we can see each other whenever we want to. I love you, princess."

I love him more than words can say.

CRY OF THE LONELY WOLF, by Oddity 5/22/09

THE DAWNING OF A NEW SUNRISE
AN ADVENTURE OF LOVE ENSUES
THE PURSUIT OF BEAST AND PREY
FRIGHTENED, SHE RUNS AWAY
BUT NO HARM WOULD EVER COME
SHE LOOKED INTO LONELY EYES
AND SADNESS FILLED HER HEART
THIS ODD PAIRING BECAME ONE
INTO AN ADVENTURE OF NEW DAYS
RUNNING LIKE NEVER BEFORE
UNTIL DUSK PULLED THEM APART
AND SHE HATED TO PART WAYS
SUNSET TURNS INTO DARKNESS
HE SNARLS AS HE LETS HER GO
SHE COULD HEAR HIM FOR MILES
THE HOWLING AT THE MOON
WAITING FOR HER TO RETURN
THE CRY OF THE LONELY WOLF

So i'm eating breakfast at CFR, a few blocks down from where I live. I am reading on American Constitutional Law. Someone wearing a carryout courier teeshirt, dark blue (it was blue so I noticed it) walked behind me to get to the kitchen area (I was seated at the counter). The smell of pot hit me full on - and yes, I do have nostalgic memories of pot, even though I think it's a colossal waste of time and money unless you medically need it.

I didn't identify the source until the guy walked past me back out the door. It was strong. I was disgusted, because this is the courier delivery guy for the restaurant or for the restaurant supplier!

He walked back in, and now that I could id him, I looked at his face. Yep, classic morning high; the flushed face, the dumb look, the almost glassy eyes, and he sounded stupid. How could anyone in their right mind let him drive???? much less represent the restaurant or, if he was bringing supplies to the restaurant, the company providing the supplies?

More Poetry from Oddity about us.

With You
YOUR SMILE IS MY SUNLIGHT
WITH YOU I AM EVERYTHING
INSIDE YOU IS MY HEART
TO REMIND YOU OF OUR LOVE
WHAT ONCE WAS A DREAM
IS REAL BECAUSE OF YOU
WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE
I SAVOR ALL OF OUR MOMENTS
OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER
WITH YOU I NEVER FEEL WEAK
ONE DAY WE’LL BE TOGETHER
ALWAYS AND NEVER APART
AS LONG AS THERE ARE STARS
WE CAN DREAM AND HAVE HOPE
WHEN I SEE YOUR BRIGHT SMILE
LIKE A FLOWER THAT BLOSSOMS
TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE
WITH YOU I’LL ALWAYS BE HAPPY

KISS ME kiss me KISS ME
One boot in the past
i was a loner, it's who i was
Never missed a heartbeat
hurdling every obstacle
Who was this vicious creature?
one edge of the RayZOR
The strange path chosen
one nobody dared to follow
I've heard the forked tongues
met every single challenge
I've flown the bluest skies
and i've tasted all the rain
One boot into the future
my hand against her heart
Feeling love all around me
grasping every second
I am who i thought i was
the sharpest RayZORs edge
I would choose the same path
one even dad could be proud of
I look into her pretty eyes
and i see my other half
Our boots standing in the rain
we'll find the most blue sky
With smiles and holding hands
and sunshine on our hearts
We have found the Cure so
KISS ME kiss me KISS ME

Mentioning our anniversary weekend, he said: "I am very lucky and happy. It's hard to believe i have found someone who thinks like i do, but differently. Who accepts me no matter what. Who cares about me like nobody else has. We are a pair." He's also said I'm 'near perfect' for him. I have to document this stuff. I can't believe it's happening to me. It's like a dream come true!!!


I.
Therefore and two heartbeats made with truth
Doth speaketh the lovers with thine lips
Raiseth bright eyes unto heavenly skies
Brighter than sun woven with passion
Does her love craveth unbridled desires deep
When hearts craveth the romance untold
And then I falleth to one knee devout
I crave thee to giveth me all of her breath
To woo me liketh the flower that blossoms
In beauty she does walketh in the light

II.
In sunlit morning dew i thinketh of her face
Even as rain falleth upon thine own smile
The caress of her sweet words sootheth me
I am but alone but our hearts are stronger
One glorioius day we will be as two together
Whileth she doth dance i will be by her side
The shadows that brought us together linger
On a stool i sit with her head on my shoulder
Oh glorious dream that shines down on me
Therefore this light we become is like heaven

I responded to this with:

harken to me, oh darkling prince
my love for you hath no bounds
my heart it sings for the joy of you
my soul it lives for love of you

thus I rest upon your shoulder
your arm cast 'round my waist
and naught in this world
dare sunder the bond we here embrace

only in fairytales and epic love stories. I live an epic love story.

I saw something today very strange. I saw what looked like a puff of smoke go into the ceiling behind the light at work today.

No smoking allowed.

It was over the desk of the woman who just lost her mother.

I can't seem to replicate what I saw using the normal optical wierdness that comes from wearing high index glasses and shifting vision from screen to distance, or by the floaters that I normally have in my slightly aging eyes. The 'puff of smoke' I saw went up in my peripheral vision, without my shifting my eyes - the floaters only shift in my eyes when I move them.

Did I see a ghost? I don't, btw, believe in ghosts. Generally speaking.

Such lonely eyes, so sad
a little boy looks through
scared and hoping for love
Shadowed by warpaint
beneath fierce headdresses
a challenge to the world
on your own terms

those eyes aren't sad anymore
they laugh and smile
a man shines through
loving and loved, vivid
so proud, bold, fierce
warpaint no longer shadows
but brings it forth
Bright happy eyes
alive and in love

such a sweet shy smile
almost masked by intimidating face
but it did not make me quail
I saw the smile, I saw the eyes
they called me. I came to be
the yin to your yang
I am for you.
You called me princess
you called me love
I call you my world
you are my soul.

time stops at your glance
if only it could last forever
the moments I spend with you
in your arms I am home
shared and whole
when I'm with you
who'd've thought
I'd find you, finally
where I'd never think to look
or hope. you were there.
You are here in my heart
filling my senses
always on my mind.
You are everything
all I ever wanted
more than I hoped to have
I love you.
You are my Oddity.