I had written something - a expletive-laden rant - about my son, but it got lost. (Edit: it didn't get lost. how freaking wierd this damn night is getting...)
I can't talk to anyone about this. Really, who? How can I cry on someone's shoulder about the life my son, who is 23, is leading? After all that I did to my poor mother, how can I even justify asking for understanding or help in dealing with this?
My daughters will manage - they will survive - they are strong, bold, silly and something indefineable that my son doesn't have. My son is like his father - buying into the whole excuse for getting high. I hate it. I don't understand the appeal of getting high. I DID get high - I just .. it's such a waste of time. It's much more fun to dance, or read, or walk... I'd rather eat crow and sit with my family than get high because I have nothing else to do. I don't understand the mentality.
Even my eldest has found another way to cope. And my youngest girl is WAY too much like me. So what's wrong with my son? He wants to train for martial arts, but he has no concept or no ability to fixate on discipline and avoid what harms him. I don't understand.
And I don't know if he's just doing this to hurt me, retaliation for his inability to accept that I'm no longer responsible for his choices.
I gotta stop crying about this. I spoke to him an hour ago and I'm still sobbing. Who cares to hear this crap? He's 23, I should let him make his bed. But he's MY SON!!! I can't stop loving or wanting to fix my son!
And I feel horrible that I may have made my mother feel the same way about me.
Thursday
every time I talk to my son I feel broken. I don't understand the fucking appeal of being high. it's so wasteful; you could be doing so much more. so you don't have money. READ. You can't stand being at home? Walk. lots. go t grandmas. oh wait; you fucked that up, with your cocky stupid mouth talking all that shit, blind to the facts kicking you in the head. right.
you're not getting anywhere high. your little bullshit well if I can't train then I have nothing and so since I have nothing I get high - omg how fucking stupid is that? I didn't raise a fucking drug addict - but your dad did, and look where he's at. a loser. you can ask me for money and know that somehow I'll get it to you; but you can't depend on your dad. yet you follow his footsteps, listen to his shit, and do exactly what he does, spout off about shit you know nothing about.
I hate talking to him. I feel depressed and I can't think straight. I cry all night worried about my son, who doesn't fucking worry about me or what his actions do to me.
Oh my daughters can survive. They are practically carbon copies of me, complete with indominable wills and crazy ass drive. They can do anything. Why can't my son????
you're not getting anywhere high. your little bullshit well if I can't train then I have nothing and so since I have nothing I get high - omg how fucking stupid is that? I didn't raise a fucking drug addict - but your dad did, and look where he's at. a loser. you can ask me for money and know that somehow I'll get it to you; but you can't depend on your dad. yet you follow his footsteps, listen to his shit, and do exactly what he does, spout off about shit you know nothing about.
I hate talking to him. I feel depressed and I can't think straight. I cry all night worried about my son, who doesn't fucking worry about me or what his actions do to me.
Oh my daughters can survive. They are practically carbon copies of me, complete with indominable wills and crazy ass drive. They can do anything. Why can't my son????
Tuesday
a ver, raro, que no entenderas ni te enteraras de este puesto. Tentacion me manda saludos y besos por la luna; tu te enojas porque te mando un im. Un oso verde me dara masajes y piropos y tu te molestas porque te pido un favor. Y que paso con el tratar de oirme cuando te hablo? ya veo que como cualquier otro hombre, es solo la caza que te interesa. nunca vas a entender porque le tengo tanto desprecio al hombre, pero tu mismo demuestras el porque.
no eres malo, solo decepcionado por solo. me siento triste, pero por ti solo tengo pena. no puedo cambiar el que te ame - porque te amo, raro, te adoro. pero eres estupido en lo que no entiendes.
Entiendo muy bien que el hombre desprecia lo que tiene por sentido. no me cojas de meno; no me menosprecie. como puedo ayudarte a entender?
no eres malo, solo decepcionado por solo. me siento triste, pero por ti solo tengo pena. no puedo cambiar el que te ame - porque te amo, raro, te adoro. pero eres estupido en lo que no entiendes.
Entiendo muy bien que el hombre desprecia lo que tiene por sentido. no me cojas de meno; no me menosprecie. como puedo ayudarte a entender?
Monday
I'm so freaking tired of being cold all the time. One of the possible reasons is iron deficiency anemia, but I get a bad reaction every time I take an iron pill. I don't think it's iron - anyway, all the blood tests are negative for anemia.
Somewhere I read that everyone has a layer of fat under their skin. I don't seem to have it - you can clearly see my veins and in my extremities you can even see the bone structure - and it's ridiculously easy for me to show muscle. I don't have a way to make a change in that - most of the weight I might gain is all in my stomach and that's an unhealthy weight gain and it STILL doesn't keep me warm!
I'm also tired of being in pain. I've got arthritis and the cold exacerbates it. Staying still also makes it worse. I'm much happier when I'm moving. No one can experience the pain others feel, so no one understands the kind of pain I live with, in my shoulders, my back, my hips, my ankles, fingers and neck. Yet I can dance, and dance for long periods of time, because I do have high endurance.
I live summers and survive winters. It's a shame 'cause autumn and winter are lovely seasons. The worse stretch is January-April - just the worse in everything. Sigh. That's my whining for the day.
Somewhere I read that everyone has a layer of fat under their skin. I don't seem to have it - you can clearly see my veins and in my extremities you can even see the bone structure - and it's ridiculously easy for me to show muscle. I don't have a way to make a change in that - most of the weight I might gain is all in my stomach and that's an unhealthy weight gain and it STILL doesn't keep me warm!
I'm also tired of being in pain. I've got arthritis and the cold exacerbates it. Staying still also makes it worse. I'm much happier when I'm moving. No one can experience the pain others feel, so no one understands the kind of pain I live with, in my shoulders, my back, my hips, my ankles, fingers and neck. Yet I can dance, and dance for long periods of time, because I do have high endurance.
I live summers and survive winters. It's a shame 'cause autumn and winter are lovely seasons. The worse stretch is January-April - just the worse in everything. Sigh. That's my whining for the day.
It definitely hasn't been easy or smooth with Oddity and I. He doesn't think some things through and can get worked up over things that don't require that sort of reaction. Yet he reminds me of how I flake out or go apeshit over things like taxes or the company my kids keep and I refuse to mingle with.
I feel he is unconsciously protesting the loss of 'freedom' or solitude he's enjoyed for the past 8 years. Suddenly he's got a girlfriend and he wasn't aware of all that could entail, or forgot all that it requires. You get older, you get more set in your ways, and when you're not exposed to the kind of world I came from, well, you find it hard to deal with.
But what to do? While I want to live with him, I DON'T want to live with him - it will be terrible if he can't cope with it. He's flexed a bit (more than he would have done otherwise) but still, it takes a lot to be with someone like me. Meanwhile, I can take ALOT and understand where it came from, but I do not like being the only one who does that.
I miss him when I'm not there. I like doing things for him. even when he gets pissy and riled up about something that didnt need that reaction. I believe I can cope with it, deal with it, work with it. I certainly know no one else would put up with it.
There were many times I wanted to just walk out, or pack my shit and leave, because he gets upset over something that with a little thought, or a little faith, can be worked out. I, however, really do not like when he questions us being a couple because we have differences.
Differences can enrich a relationship. Am I being a doormat because I don't see any reason for me to make him change? Why must I change? I can tolerate; why can't he tolerate? What he needs is a good lesson in letting things go and flow.
I also do not like when he snaps at me, or responds in less than a positive way. Perhaps I shoudl be used to it as my family does it all the time, but I dont like it. I don't do it. I dont want it done to me.
This is why I don't ask for help. I do not like help given grudgingly, as if it is a chore, a hassle, to provide assistance. I'll walk, thank you; I don't need anyone to pick me up and complain because it shortens your time and you have to rush. I won't come by; I'd rather be pissy by myself and pine than hear how he had all this stuff to do and he's rushed and never time for anything, obliquely blaming me. Yea, I don't have time for that crap.
Not to mention it poisons you more than it poisons me, and it poisons the time we have together. LET IT GO. Just coast.
That's my rant for the day. I miss him even with all that. sigh.
I feel he is unconsciously protesting the loss of 'freedom' or solitude he's enjoyed for the past 8 years. Suddenly he's got a girlfriend and he wasn't aware of all that could entail, or forgot all that it requires. You get older, you get more set in your ways, and when you're not exposed to the kind of world I came from, well, you find it hard to deal with.
But what to do? While I want to live with him, I DON'T want to live with him - it will be terrible if he can't cope with it. He's flexed a bit (more than he would have done otherwise) but still, it takes a lot to be with someone like me. Meanwhile, I can take ALOT and understand where it came from, but I do not like being the only one who does that.
I miss him when I'm not there. I like doing things for him. even when he gets pissy and riled up about something that didnt need that reaction. I believe I can cope with it, deal with it, work with it. I certainly know no one else would put up with it.
There were many times I wanted to just walk out, or pack my shit and leave, because he gets upset over something that with a little thought, or a little faith, can be worked out. I, however, really do not like when he questions us being a couple because we have differences.
Differences can enrich a relationship. Am I being a doormat because I don't see any reason for me to make him change? Why must I change? I can tolerate; why can't he tolerate? What he needs is a good lesson in letting things go and flow.
I also do not like when he snaps at me, or responds in less than a positive way. Perhaps I shoudl be used to it as my family does it all the time, but I dont like it. I don't do it. I dont want it done to me.
This is why I don't ask for help. I do not like help given grudgingly, as if it is a chore, a hassle, to provide assistance. I'll walk, thank you; I don't need anyone to pick me up and complain because it shortens your time and you have to rush. I won't come by; I'd rather be pissy by myself and pine than hear how he had all this stuff to do and he's rushed and never time for anything, obliquely blaming me. Yea, I don't have time for that crap.
Not to mention it poisons you more than it poisons me, and it poisons the time we have together. LET IT GO. Just coast.
That's my rant for the day. I miss him even with all that. sigh.
Wednesday
missing oddity. depressed over son and youngest daughter. wishing for new job, move to be near oddity - or car.. driver's license would be nice. Want to see oddity so very much. wish had more money to send my son what he needs, despite the doubts - heroin is so ugly but what if he's not addicted? and the youngest, where are you and when can you get it together?
you know what's the worse thing about love? the freaking pain.
you know what's the worse thing about love? the freaking pain.
Monday
Forever: Oddity
Pale skin hidden from the sun
Sunken eyes beneath her veil
Wrapped in the dark of my night
Following the shadow of the moon
The scent of her arouses me
Biting the lip of ruby red lipstick
She trembles inside my black cape
Knowing that i’ll be there forever
A white gown streaked in blood
Her arms wrapped inside of mine
This lust is a beautiful romance
From sunrise until sunset we live
Waiting for the night to call to us
Watching the moon until forever
Forever: me
Inhale your scent, my knees go weak
I want to breath you in
I want to feel you with every inch of my skin
forever
Catch sight of you, there goes my breath
I want to always see you
Color my world, make it complete
forever
I want to care for you
tender and sweet
By your side
forever
Your voice, like a shock to my system
makes my heart race
and I turn to you like a flower
bask in your light
forever
And when I'm in your arms,
Oh, love
It feels like forever.
Pale skin hidden from the sun
Sunken eyes beneath her veil
Wrapped in the dark of my night
Following the shadow of the moon
The scent of her arouses me
Biting the lip of ruby red lipstick
She trembles inside my black cape
Knowing that i’ll be there forever
A white gown streaked in blood
Her arms wrapped inside of mine
This lust is a beautiful romance
From sunrise until sunset we live
Waiting for the night to call to us
Watching the moon until forever
Forever: me
Inhale your scent, my knees go weak
I want to breath you in
I want to feel you with every inch of my skin
forever
Catch sight of you, there goes my breath
I want to always see you
Color my world, make it complete
forever
I want to care for you
tender and sweet
By your side
forever
Your voice, like a shock to my system
makes my heart race
and I turn to you like a flower
bask in your light
forever
And when I'm in your arms,
Oh, love
It feels like forever.
Friday
So lately I changed my diet. Had to. I couldn't eat at a diner or fast food place without serious belly trouble, and lots of other icky things were happening.
I have lactose intolerance but that came in my late 20s. However, I was never a person to be able to gain weight and always, ALWAYS had stomach troubles. So I started reading up on recent stuff about malnutrition (everyone thought I had anemia, I was supposedly allergic to tons of foodstuff...) and while reading (I keep an informal food diary because of the problems) I found out about fructose intolerance. Now, I stopped drinking anything with high fructose corn syrup several years ago because I found it triggered the bad belly things (Think Irritable Bowel Syndrome). According to the information I read about fructose intolerance, natural juices can trigger it too - like apple juice, which was a staple in my diet because I don't drink carbonated or sugary stuff. Well, whadyaknow... I stopped drinking apple juice (apples contain more fructose than glucose and that triggers the symptoms associated with intolerance) and NO MORE BLOATED BELLY/FARTING/ALL THE ICKY STUFF!
Now, I had also cut down severely on orange juice because it also made my bowels feel unhappy. I keep track of everything I drink now, and I drink LOTS of water and unsweetened tea (I stopped liking sugar a while back and now I see why).
As for foods, well, I went from eating EVERYTHING to being very very picky on what I eat - I never wanted to be 'that' person, the one who couldn't share in what everyone else ate and had fussy and exacting requirements. Now I know why.
I don't experience the bad belly times anymore. I still love pizza with sausage and pepperonis (omg do I love pepperoni) but I know that once is enough, or else I suffer. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE hot wings, but once a week, or else I spend too much time sitting on the bowl in pain. (yes, I know, TMI, but you HAVE to understand why.)
Workdays, my eating plan is: a handful of tater tots (love them), two runny fried eggs (and no salmonella!) and three to four strips of bacon, and some cheese - either cheddar (which doesn't trigger the lactose thing, I don't know why) or colby jack (mmmmmmmmmmmm). I drink NuVim along with that (delicious stuff and good for you). Later in the day, it's a small bottle of Dannon vanilla drinkable yogurt with all that probiotic stuff (it's been one HELL of a asset!) along with a lactose pill, as THAT does trigger the intolerance. Lunch, if I am planning ahead, is usually greens with spinach, carrots, pepperoni slices (I'll fit them in somehow!) or chicken slices, nuts (small amount) and water. I'll snack on something before that or after that, but that's the only snack I'll allow myself and usually it's one of those oatmeal sandwich cookies... gooey and icky and so delightful.
Dinner is usually another probiotic yogurt (right now it's YoPlus 'cause OMG its so creammmmmmmy!) and some form of meat and vegetable. And lots of water or tea. And I drink hot tea throughout the day ('cause my office is FUCKING FREEZING!).
And so far, I've staved off the horrible belly things. On the weekends, if I drink, well, it upsets the whole shebang, but it's only for the weekend. And I get to eat hot wings.....
Moderation I think is key. I don't have to absolutely eliminate fructose or lactose from my diet, but I do have to monitor intake and balance it out. Most wisdom also states that red meat every day is not a good thing. It isn't, really. So I'm trying to work out to have red meat less and more fish, chicken and pork at dinner. And so long as I can also control my daily stress - I got the hours I want to work and now I find my best sleeping hours are 12-7, which work out perfect for me - and I am studying and working and walking every day - working out has to be worked back into my schedule - and am dancing or at least moving alot throughout the weekend - I think I can keep myself from the uglies of digestion and stress and possibly even grow old with only half of what my mom has to go through.
Here's to hoping.
I have lactose intolerance but that came in my late 20s. However, I was never a person to be able to gain weight and always, ALWAYS had stomach troubles. So I started reading up on recent stuff about malnutrition (everyone thought I had anemia, I was supposedly allergic to tons of foodstuff...) and while reading (I keep an informal food diary because of the problems) I found out about fructose intolerance. Now, I stopped drinking anything with high fructose corn syrup several years ago because I found it triggered the bad belly things (Think Irritable Bowel Syndrome). According to the information I read about fructose intolerance, natural juices can trigger it too - like apple juice, which was a staple in my diet because I don't drink carbonated or sugary stuff. Well, whadyaknow... I stopped drinking apple juice (apples contain more fructose than glucose and that triggers the symptoms associated with intolerance) and NO MORE BLOATED BELLY/FARTING/ALL THE ICKY STUFF!
Now, I had also cut down severely on orange juice because it also made my bowels feel unhappy. I keep track of everything I drink now, and I drink LOTS of water and unsweetened tea (I stopped liking sugar a while back and now I see why).
As for foods, well, I went from eating EVERYTHING to being very very picky on what I eat - I never wanted to be 'that' person, the one who couldn't share in what everyone else ate and had fussy and exacting requirements. Now I know why.
I don't experience the bad belly times anymore. I still love pizza with sausage and pepperonis (omg do I love pepperoni) but I know that once is enough, or else I suffer. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE hot wings, but once a week, or else I spend too much time sitting on the bowl in pain. (yes, I know, TMI, but you HAVE to understand why.)
Workdays, my eating plan is: a handful of tater tots (love them), two runny fried eggs (and no salmonella!) and three to four strips of bacon, and some cheese - either cheddar (which doesn't trigger the lactose thing, I don't know why) or colby jack (mmmmmmmmmmmm). I drink NuVim along with that (delicious stuff and good for you). Later in the day, it's a small bottle of Dannon vanilla drinkable yogurt with all that probiotic stuff (it's been one HELL of a asset!) along with a lactose pill, as THAT does trigger the intolerance. Lunch, if I am planning ahead, is usually greens with spinach, carrots, pepperoni slices (I'll fit them in somehow!) or chicken slices, nuts (small amount) and water. I'll snack on something before that or after that, but that's the only snack I'll allow myself and usually it's one of those oatmeal sandwich cookies... gooey and icky and so delightful.
Dinner is usually another probiotic yogurt (right now it's YoPlus 'cause OMG its so creammmmmmmy!) and some form of meat and vegetable. And lots of water or tea. And I drink hot tea throughout the day ('cause my office is FUCKING FREEZING!).
And so far, I've staved off the horrible belly things. On the weekends, if I drink, well, it upsets the whole shebang, but it's only for the weekend. And I get to eat hot wings.....
Moderation I think is key. I don't have to absolutely eliminate fructose or lactose from my diet, but I do have to monitor intake and balance it out. Most wisdom also states that red meat every day is not a good thing. It isn't, really. So I'm trying to work out to have red meat less and more fish, chicken and pork at dinner. And so long as I can also control my daily stress - I got the hours I want to work and now I find my best sleeping hours are 12-7, which work out perfect for me - and I am studying and working and walking every day - working out has to be worked back into my schedule - and am dancing or at least moving alot throughout the weekend - I think I can keep myself from the uglies of digestion and stress and possibly even grow old with only half of what my mom has to go through.
Here's to hoping.
Thursday
Home by The Endparty (song posted by Oddity 7/29/09 on myspace)
take these nights bereft of comfort,
take these thoughts that leave me restless
give me everything you are,
show me worlds unknown to me
(CHORUS)for how can I resist, when every part of you
feels like home to me (2x)
bring this solitute to an end
I will carry you to paradise
we can have all we desire
all of this was shown to me
(CHORUS)
When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
Take these fears that lie within
cast them out and bring ascension
you are the soul that I have lost
and all of this you've shown to me
(CHORUS)
When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
take these nights bereft of comfort,
take these thoughts that leave me restless
give me everything you are,
show me worlds unknown to me
(CHORUS)for how can I resist, when every part of you
feels like home to me (2x)
bring this solitute to an end
I will carry you to paradise
we can have all we desire
all of this was shown to me
(CHORUS)
When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
Take these fears that lie within
cast them out and bring ascension
you are the soul that I have lost
and all of this you've shown to me
(CHORUS)
When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
The distance by Oddity 7/29/09
whispers in the wind
meant only for you
these days grow old
the nights are tired
but just like the sun
we rise and we fall
reading our words
hoping to hear a voice
memories carry us
new adventures await
each day passes
we grow closer together
even when we are apart
dreams can come true
i see you in the distance
never far from sight
hoping the next sunrise
brings you closer to me
smiles are like sunshine
you brighten my world
distance can't change that
we are never apart
you are inside my heart
hear my whispers
i am waiting for you
this is my dream
Forever by Oddity 7/29/09
Pale skin hidden from the sun
Sunken eyes beneath her veil
Wrapped in the dark of my night
Following the shadow of the moon
The scent of her arouses me
Biting the lip of ruby red lipstick
She trembles inside my black cape
Knowing that i’ll be there forever
A white gown streaked in blood
Her arms wrapped inside of mine
This lust is a beautiful romance
From sunrise until sunset we live
Waiting for the night to call to us
Watching the moon until forever
whispers in the wind
meant only for you
these days grow old
the nights are tired
but just like the sun
we rise and we fall
reading our words
hoping to hear a voice
memories carry us
new adventures await
each day passes
we grow closer together
even when we are apart
dreams can come true
i see you in the distance
never far from sight
hoping the next sunrise
brings you closer to me
smiles are like sunshine
you brighten my world
distance can't change that
we are never apart
you are inside my heart
hear my whispers
i am waiting for you
this is my dream
Forever by Oddity 7/29/09
Pale skin hidden from the sun
Sunken eyes beneath her veil
Wrapped in the dark of my night
Following the shadow of the moon
The scent of her arouses me
Biting the lip of ruby red lipstick
She trembles inside my black cape
Knowing that i’ll be there forever
A white gown streaked in blood
Her arms wrapped inside of mine
This lust is a beautiful romance
From sunrise until sunset we live
Waiting for the night to call to us
Watching the moon until forever
Tuesday
Hear that sound? You can't? I can. Every time I think about my son and what he's going through, the demons he fights because of his genetic heritage, I can hear the keening of my soul in despair. Every time I realize that my eldest may never be free of taking medication because of my genes, I can hear it. Every time I hear my baby daughter over the phone and know exactly what she is struggling with and she does not even know how to acknowledge it, it fills my head with agony.
What will become of my granddaughter? and what if my other children give me grandchildren - will they also fall victim to their parents' genetic weaknesses? I can't say it's unfair, but it hurts so bad.
What will become of my granddaughter? and what if my other children give me grandchildren - will they also fall victim to their parents' genetic weaknesses? I can't say it's unfair, but it hurts so bad.
Sometimes its nice to be crazy. That is, I live in a world no one else experiences. Sometimes it's a bit frightening - after all, seeing and hearing things that aren't there combined with being unable to identify everyday things as normal and the occasional paranoid delusion can be downright unsettling. But it's not as frequent as before, and I can recognize it for what it is.
Last night I read two brief stories based on the Cthluthlu mythos and for most of the time spent trying to go to sleep, the shadows in my room kept on making gibbering noises and appearing squamous and ghastly. I knew what it was so I ignored it and finally went to sleep without any nightmares. It was last night that I appreciated that only I can see that - it's a product of a mind not fully rooted, whether chemically or physiologically - in everyone else's reality and it was rather fun, for once.
Truth to tell, I don't know if it IS crazy, or just that this is the way I see/experience the world. I'm pretty sure no one experiences it quite the same way, but there may be overlaps that people dismiss. I'm the first to admit I've quite an active imagination and am unable to turn it off at will. For today, it is fun.
Last night I read two brief stories based on the Cthluthlu mythos and for most of the time spent trying to go to sleep, the shadows in my room kept on making gibbering noises and appearing squamous and ghastly. I knew what it was so I ignored it and finally went to sleep without any nightmares. It was last night that I appreciated that only I can see that - it's a product of a mind not fully rooted, whether chemically or physiologically - in everyone else's reality and it was rather fun, for once.
Truth to tell, I don't know if it IS crazy, or just that this is the way I see/experience the world. I'm pretty sure no one experiences it quite the same way, but there may be overlaps that people dismiss. I'm the first to admit I've quite an active imagination and am unable to turn it off at will. For today, it is fun.
Wednesday
It's kind of frightening to see things that aren't there. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens alot more than I tell people. It's usually peripheral vision or glances where I catch things moving or just there and when I look back, it's not there or there's no movement. I know what it is; it's just misinterpretation of the visual field context in my brain. It doesn't help that I have one of those impressionable and highly fertile minds....
Under stress or high emotion, or when I've not been able to sleep/rest/eat right, I see these disturbances more. I try very hard to keep within the parameters of what will prevent me from those types of things, along with the manic/panic episodes and the whole 'hearing voices' thing.
People simply do not realize how much stress any kind of interaction is on me. Even talking to my own kids can be overly taxing. Hanging out with friends, while enjoyable, engenders panic for some reason and extended contact tends to trigger all the wierd stuff I try to avoid.
There's a reason I loved books and dancing by myself. :) I know some of the reasons for the triggers: for instance, I love to roleplay, but I was given a set of ethos that work is the most important thing to do and such forms of relaxation are unacceptable. Yet, I can't bear working ALL THE TIME; it also triggers all the bad stuff. The conflict is handled by meditation and analysis of why it bothers me one way or the other, and working out soem sort of balance while reconciling the underlying causation. Letting go and giving up - just internal mechanisms to deal with the conflicts - are tools I use alot.
But I have to be by myself, and it is very hard on me to interact socially for any length of time. So when I withdraw, please respect my need for personal space and inner harmony; I really hate seeing things move and hearing things just outside my actual perception, and I abhor my manic/panic episodes (very destructive).
Under stress or high emotion, or when I've not been able to sleep/rest/eat right, I see these disturbances more. I try very hard to keep within the parameters of what will prevent me from those types of things, along with the manic/panic episodes and the whole 'hearing voices' thing.
People simply do not realize how much stress any kind of interaction is on me. Even talking to my own kids can be overly taxing. Hanging out with friends, while enjoyable, engenders panic for some reason and extended contact tends to trigger all the wierd stuff I try to avoid.
There's a reason I loved books and dancing by myself. :) I know some of the reasons for the triggers: for instance, I love to roleplay, but I was given a set of ethos that work is the most important thing to do and such forms of relaxation are unacceptable. Yet, I can't bear working ALL THE TIME; it also triggers all the bad stuff. The conflict is handled by meditation and analysis of why it bothers me one way or the other, and working out soem sort of balance while reconciling the underlying causation. Letting go and giving up - just internal mechanisms to deal with the conflicts - are tools I use alot.
But I have to be by myself, and it is very hard on me to interact socially for any length of time. So when I withdraw, please respect my need for personal space and inner harmony; I really hate seeing things move and hearing things just outside my actual perception, and I abhor my manic/panic episodes (very destructive).
Tuesday
Life is beautiful. Hey, shit happens. Into every garden, snow and rain and hail must fall. Things die and new life come forth, based on the fertile ground littered with the dead.
My children are grown. I can't believe all that time has passed. And yet, there are and will always be my children, my babies. I spoke to my son today (I can't stay angry at my kids) and found he is still ... well, he has transformer figures and G.I.Joe figures and creates combat scenarios (I did similar with my dolls for many years - yes, combat. I didn't play dressup! I was a MERC!) My mother thinks he's trying to relive his childhood....
My youngest is learning things slowly, but she is learning. My eldest is marvelous. My granddaughter is still trapped by my parents' fanaticism, but we all had to go through that, and the challenge is to emerge stronger from such an experience.
I am still looking for work. Classwork is HARD; it requires more work and thinking and time and energy than I expect to be able to produce good work. I have to reevaluate my time spending and see what I can do to focus on remaining..
ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIST, which is keeping your GPA at 3.96 or above. I hope I don't flub it with this semester - OMG is legal research tough!
I am still working; just not in the city I want to be in. All that is an upward climb and I don't kid myself; it's going to be rough. It will also be worth it. I'll be selfsufficient, finally, and somewhere I feel I belong.
I am going to be with Oddity. That alone makes my insides quiver with joy. We are going to be together on vacation - A VACATION!!!! avemaria, so long I've not had one, and with someone I love??? it is frightening how completely thrown I am by this whole thing. I can't believe it's happening!
Life is sweet, but I see others not have it like that. I wish I could tell them to just be open to life, even the harsh, painful parts. Let it flow through and let it become a stronger you. Do not dwell (well, mourn a bit, then move on).
I have Oddity. It's real. We can work to make it last the test of time. I can do this.
I am happy.
My children are grown. I can't believe all that time has passed. And yet, there are and will always be my children, my babies. I spoke to my son today (I can't stay angry at my kids) and found he is still ... well, he has transformer figures and G.I.Joe figures and creates combat scenarios (I did similar with my dolls for many years - yes, combat. I didn't play dressup! I was a MERC!) My mother thinks he's trying to relive his childhood....
My youngest is learning things slowly, but she is learning. My eldest is marvelous. My granddaughter is still trapped by my parents' fanaticism, but we all had to go through that, and the challenge is to emerge stronger from such an experience.
I am still looking for work. Classwork is HARD; it requires more work and thinking and time and energy than I expect to be able to produce good work. I have to reevaluate my time spending and see what I can do to focus on remaining..
ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIST, which is keeping your GPA at 3.96 or above. I hope I don't flub it with this semester - OMG is legal research tough!
I am still working; just not in the city I want to be in. All that is an upward climb and I don't kid myself; it's going to be rough. It will also be worth it. I'll be selfsufficient, finally, and somewhere I feel I belong.
I am going to be with Oddity. That alone makes my insides quiver with joy. We are going to be together on vacation - A VACATION!!!! avemaria, so long I've not had one, and with someone I love??? it is frightening how completely thrown I am by this whole thing. I can't believe it's happening!
Life is sweet, but I see others not have it like that. I wish I could tell them to just be open to life, even the harsh, painful parts. Let it flow through and let it become a stronger you. Do not dwell (well, mourn a bit, then move on).
I have Oddity. It's real. We can work to make it last the test of time. I can do this.
I am happy.
Wednesday
No one has ever engaged so fully in being in a relationship with me as has Oddity. Pictures, the funny names we call ourselves, the sheer imagination and creativity he displays and not only shares with me but has me be a part of.
There's always so much I want to write when I finally get to this site that I completely forget when I make the time to sit and actually WRITE. It's rather frustrating.
I've not been giving the proper form of attention to my classwork as I should have; I am not going to get the super grades I want if I don't focus and apply myself - nor am I going to be learning anything and this is something I need. Part of it is not having Saturdays to focus and study but... I'm not giving up my only day to be with Oddity.
I really like getting up at 7am even when I sleep at 12... I think the idea of 12-7 sleep or 11pm to 6am would be the best sleep time for me. Plus, working at let's say 10am and leaving work at 6pm would work for me. It would be the perfect balance; though I could live with 9 to 5. Yes, it would be ideal. I like getting up when the sun is clearing the horizon and pouring into my bedroom window.
As we know, that's just wishful thinking. But if only....
Applying for other jobs. The idea, hopefully it will work, is that if I do get hired for something, I stay either with Oddity or a choice of a couple of other friends for the length, at most, of 3 months till I can get a small apartment. Going through the regular channels, I'll never be able to afford an apartment. I'm hoping that my rather really good luck will work out...
I set up a driver's test for aug 8 - now if oddity is working that day, I can move it back a few. Whatever it takes.
I've got a new camera - and it's blue. yes, I purchased it 'cause it's blue and was on sale. I hope I don't lose this one! I don't remember what happened to my first camera and I lost my second one somewhere between the Lettie G and home.
My daughter is back in college for her BA in Social work.... I'm so proud of her! She, like me, will have to take remedial algebra (Gods, I HATE math) but at least she's on her way. She gives me hope for the other two.
I've not heard from my son, who as of June 21 turned 23. I did not wish him a happy birthday, as two days prior to his birthday he was the inappropriately gleeful caller that informed me that my youngest had been kicked out of my parents' home and why.
And I've not heard recently from her; I want her with me but she's not mature enough to do what is right; and I may have to accept that she needs to go through the hard knocks of life to see that what her mama says is good and true. (sob) I'm so worried about her!
My granddaughter got great grades in school and she and my eldest are coming down for Capt. A's summer party. I really hate coming up to NY so this is pleasant.
There's always so much I want to write when I finally get to this site that I completely forget when I make the time to sit and actually WRITE. It's rather frustrating.
I've not been giving the proper form of attention to my classwork as I should have; I am not going to get the super grades I want if I don't focus and apply myself - nor am I going to be learning anything and this is something I need. Part of it is not having Saturdays to focus and study but... I'm not giving up my only day to be with Oddity.
I really like getting up at 7am even when I sleep at 12... I think the idea of 12-7 sleep or 11pm to 6am would be the best sleep time for me. Plus, working at let's say 10am and leaving work at 6pm would work for me. It would be the perfect balance; though I could live with 9 to 5. Yes, it would be ideal. I like getting up when the sun is clearing the horizon and pouring into my bedroom window.
As we know, that's just wishful thinking. But if only....
Applying for other jobs. The idea, hopefully it will work, is that if I do get hired for something, I stay either with Oddity or a choice of a couple of other friends for the length, at most, of 3 months till I can get a small apartment. Going through the regular channels, I'll never be able to afford an apartment. I'm hoping that my rather really good luck will work out...
I set up a driver's test for aug 8 - now if oddity is working that day, I can move it back a few. Whatever it takes.
I've got a new camera - and it's blue. yes, I purchased it 'cause it's blue and was on sale. I hope I don't lose this one! I don't remember what happened to my first camera and I lost my second one somewhere between the Lettie G and home.
My daughter is back in college for her BA in Social work.... I'm so proud of her! She, like me, will have to take remedial algebra (Gods, I HATE math) but at least she's on her way. She gives me hope for the other two.
I've not heard from my son, who as of June 21 turned 23. I did not wish him a happy birthday, as two days prior to his birthday he was the inappropriately gleeful caller that informed me that my youngest had been kicked out of my parents' home and why.
And I've not heard recently from her; I want her with me but she's not mature enough to do what is right; and I may have to accept that she needs to go through the hard knocks of life to see that what her mama says is good and true. (sob) I'm so worried about her!
My granddaughter got great grades in school and she and my eldest are coming down for Capt. A's summer party. I really hate coming up to NY so this is pleasant.
Friday
O M G.
My youngest slept with the husband of a friend of hers and her sister's.. and that cowardly bastard told his wife (whom I consider another of my daughters, honestly) and that created a confrontation IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS' home in Brooklyn.
My son gleefully called to let me know that my youngest had been thrown out of the house. My mother refuses to talk to anyone in her grief and shame. My eldest won't have anything to do with her. I haven't spoken to my dad yet. My brother is stunned by it all. I can't even imagine what my sister in laws think of all this.
But.. can't anyone see she's crying out for attention? I want her with me again. I know she's trouble; I know it's like pressing a viper to my bosom. BUT SHE'S MY CHILD!!! SHE'S MY BABY! And her behavior is MY fault, for abandoning her.
I can't even begin to react. I just want to hold her and let her know though she totally and royally fucked up, she's still my child and I still love her. Yes, I'm horrified at what she did, but in my family, really, who HASN'T done what my youngest did? From my mom to my daughters, we ALL crossed that line. So why are they coming down so hard on my baby????
I wish they had listened to me and left her in the residential facility. But my parents have never listened to me. This is the fruit of THEIR hubris. Now if only I could take my youngest back, and pray that she could learn from her mistakes. :(
My youngest slept with the husband of a friend of hers and her sister's.. and that cowardly bastard told his wife (whom I consider another of my daughters, honestly) and that created a confrontation IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS' home in Brooklyn.
My son gleefully called to let me know that my youngest had been thrown out of the house. My mother refuses to talk to anyone in her grief and shame. My eldest won't have anything to do with her. I haven't spoken to my dad yet. My brother is stunned by it all. I can't even imagine what my sister in laws think of all this.
But.. can't anyone see she's crying out for attention? I want her with me again. I know she's trouble; I know it's like pressing a viper to my bosom. BUT SHE'S MY CHILD!!! SHE'S MY BABY! And her behavior is MY fault, for abandoning her.
I can't even begin to react. I just want to hold her and let her know though she totally and royally fucked up, she's still my child and I still love her. Yes, I'm horrified at what she did, but in my family, really, who HASN'T done what my youngest did? From my mom to my daughters, we ALL crossed that line. So why are they coming down so hard on my baby????
I wish they had listened to me and left her in the residential facility. But my parents have never listened to me. This is the fruit of THEIR hubris. Now if only I could take my youngest back, and pray that she could learn from her mistakes. :(
Thursday
missing my kids but I really don't want to go to ny to see them. worried about my son very much. his speech is slurred and he doesn't realize it and i feel I know why - because of both the schizophrenia and the drug experimentation he's doing.
i'm worried for my youngest too, but funny I think she'll pull out better - yet she's so in danger being a female....
the eldest is wearing herself thin - she fell the other day, flat on her face, and I know that when we get tired, both mentally and physically and emotionally, we become uncoordinated and unfocused. I hope she takes a break.
I haven't heard from my granddaughter and this distance is killing me when it comes to her. I also worry for my parents' health and sanity. I wish at least one of my kids would either get lucky or just leave the area and grow somewhere else..
I am looking for new jobs and have started erasing my non-work presence online. I fear the mayhem and the madness that will come from trying to change my life yet again.
I dont' want to leave my dog!!! I want her with ME!!! but I dont want to settle for something substandard and/or dangerous either.
I am pretty sure having me closer is going to be more stressful on Oddity. I'm very certain of this fact, truth to tell. It will take another long period of time for him to be comfortable with that proximity. There will be issues. C'est la vie; what can a person do but accept? He is the way he is, and life shaped him that way. I am thankful that I can be accommodating, because ONE of us has to be!
i'm worried for my youngest too, but funny I think she'll pull out better - yet she's so in danger being a female....
the eldest is wearing herself thin - she fell the other day, flat on her face, and I know that when we get tired, both mentally and physically and emotionally, we become uncoordinated and unfocused. I hope she takes a break.
I haven't heard from my granddaughter and this distance is killing me when it comes to her. I also worry for my parents' health and sanity. I wish at least one of my kids would either get lucky or just leave the area and grow somewhere else..
I am looking for new jobs and have started erasing my non-work presence online. I fear the mayhem and the madness that will come from trying to change my life yet again.
I dont' want to leave my dog!!! I want her with ME!!! but I dont want to settle for something substandard and/or dangerous either.
I am pretty sure having me closer is going to be more stressful on Oddity. I'm very certain of this fact, truth to tell. It will take another long period of time for him to be comfortable with that proximity. There will be issues. C'est la vie; what can a person do but accept? He is the way he is, and life shaped him that way. I am thankful that I can be accommodating, because ONE of us has to be!
Got two pairs of boots I like. one for dancing (professionally) so that i can wear them for the steamwerks ball, and one for regular stuff and perhaps dancing - they actually FIT me.
spent too much money. have to go into total scrooge mode for the next month to have money to spend at vacation w/Ray and his mom and to pay his mom back. I NEED to have at least $300 by July 9th.
but I want to get blue gauze or whatever that material is to make bloomers for my steamwerk outfit, blue bloomers and blue matching sleeves, and I have to get Lindsay to return the corset. I may have to make a tube top of blue too if I can't get that back....
and I need a pattern for the bloomers.
spent too much money. have to go into total scrooge mode for the next month to have money to spend at vacation w/Ray and his mom and to pay his mom back. I NEED to have at least $300 by July 9th.
but I want to get blue gauze or whatever that material is to make bloomers for my steamwerk outfit, blue bloomers and blue matching sleeves, and I have to get Lindsay to return the corset. I may have to make a tube top of blue too if I can't get that back....
and I need a pattern for the bloomers.
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