I love to write. I get a story in my head and I'll sit and 'live' it through in my head, then I want to put it into words, every nuance and shade and color and movement and look. It's not easy.

I just finished writing something that's been stewing for a while. And the very RELIEF of writing it, of sending it off, left me feeling dizzy and weak.

I hope it is enjoyed. I have more in my head; up next in the queue, something about love lost and time traveled and magic to blame; sounds like a D&D game, eh? but it isn't; just a product of my depression while crap in my life gets tossed around me.

I love my family and my kids, and my boyfriend, but there are times I wish I could escape it all and live inside my head and never have to deal with reality again.

Oh, by the way, I'm a grandmother now. And to see me, to see how I look and act, it's impossible to think so. I've a granddaughter, thanks to my impulsive eldest girl. And the firestorm that child ignited here will change this family's dynamics for years to come.

Thinking back, that's exactly the same crap I pulled when I had my eldest. Why can't we learn from other's mistakes? Alas, but I'm tired now and tomorrow's another day, busy and full of it's own tears and pains and sorrow and laughter and love.

I bid thee goodnight.

I love chats. Not chatrooms, though those are fun too; they're just not as much fun as talking to my friends over the computer. I love to type, and love to talk, and the written word, well, TYPED word is my supreme medium. Ne'ertheless, I was talking to my best friend online. She and I tend to get very philosophical and a tad esoteric on subjects. This convo started off with my mentioning one of my wierd paranoias - okay, perhaps it's not so odd, it could really be, but why me? - that my computer's bugged with something that sends back information to someone or more than one someone out there - a virus that feeds back info to a hacker and/or enables someone to take possession of my computer. Yea, I know it sounds stupid and worse, paranoid - you should hear my spiel on the nanites in my body!

Anyway, I said I didn't care, really, other than it interfered with my bandwidth, 'cause what's the worse they can do? steal information? Like i have anything important on my computer. Wipe my harddrive? Oh, the horrors. it's all just stuff, and stuff isn't important. I got tired of being worried and scared and all that jazz just a little while ago - after all, when one realizes that one's own children might be stealing from one, or that out there one's exhusband may be gunning for one, well, it just doesn't matter anymore. I said I let it all go, everything that goes around comes around, and I shan't give anyone the satisfaction of letting them get to me. Which somehow got into being a doormat, which somehow got into the definition of Zen. This, while we're downloading music from each other.

I love talking to her; she's intelligent, not emotionally stunted, and has a clearer life than my sordid soap opera one. And, like most everyone I really like to talk to, she's an oddball, a misfit. Someone who, while able to function, just doesn't fit it. I admire her, 'cause in all the time I've known her, she's never let emotional issues cloud the facts, though she will take them into account and perhaps even effectively act on them. And she's younger than I. She's had a difficult life too; she doesn't let it handicap her, though her choices and mine are way disparate in terms of being in the same situation. Whereas she will step back and consider something, I tend to rush in where angels fear to tread. Where she will proceed with caution - once burned, twice shy - I tend to jump into the melee again and again, eager to start anew. Don't know who's crazier, but I think I win by more than a nose. I have fun doing it though!

She calls me the Hot Tamale; I call her the Ice Queen. Together we're one hell of a team. Truth to say, I love her very much. She is more family to me than my own. That's a true friend.

And in other news, my Lord Dragon's been cruelly taken down by that most nefarious and pernicious of ills, the common cold. How the mighty fall; his huge frame lies upon my bed. He doesn't complain, but somehow that makes it worse. I wish I could do SOMETHING to chase this evil away; but only rest and warmth and good food will do that. Pity I can't cook for beans!

time enough to talk more later; I now head into bed for sleep next to my wonderful human furnace.

oh dear, people are STUPID. Politics really blow chunks. Oh WOW, the Shrub was arrested 24 years ago for drunkdriving. Jesus, people, GET A LIFE. As Christ, the icon of millions of these people, once said, he who is without sin throw the first stone. I love how people with nothing better to do go around making a big thing out of the same sort of skeletons that they have in their own closets. "Oh, but I'm not running for office.." AND? If you don't like what the candidate is doing, then get up and DO A BETTER JOB. or else shut the fuck up. You want things better? Start with YOURSELF.

Ugh, I hate selfrighteous people.

restripped my hair. Why bother coloring it when I can strip the color from it - okay, thereby also weakening the strands and burning my hair, but ya only live once. I like the way it looks; multihued hair. I so wish I could get away with blue. But someday I'm going to go deep rich red... I like being different as much as I can.

Today at work they asked me why I didn't stay with the so obviously lucrative jobs I've had over the past several years. I answered that I just wasn't happy; money doesn't make me happy. Had I not been able to get a computer, there would be something else to capture my interest. I'm not 'thing' or 'money' oriented. I like living. I like new things, challenges, moving about, doing things I'm not supposed to do and excelling in them. I don't have the same value system as my peers. Guess that's why my crew of friends are usually younger than I by ten or twelve years. Mom says I haven't grown up, which is why all the kids on the block like me.

Now my son is playing Sonic Adventure on DreamCast. I hate the noise, but love the games. Gamerchick myself; love D&D, White Wolf, etc as well as Playstation and PC gaming and DreamCast and etc etc etc. It's funny though, that I don't really get into the PC/PS/DC games; guess they're just not really my THING per se.

What I love is dancing, and collecting music. And wrestling. AH... gonna get music stuff 'n game stuff for myself and my Lord Dragon this x-mas and next year, along with the stuff like coats 'n stuff for my granddaughter. Oh, my darling new granddaughter. She's going to have the WIERDEST grandmama ever!

Little Bit seems fine from her accident last night. She's busy trying to read all my books while I'm cleaning my room. I want to wash my hair. I'm talking to my Lord Dragon and wondering where my posts are on Blogger. I like this thing; but I love talking to myself too, so I suppose it's all relative. Just got propositioned by some guy online who saw my pictures and wondered if I was into married men. Like, yea, right. Though I'll admit the guy's cute, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, beats out my Lord Dragon.

Today is hair bleaching and catfood buying and hair cutting and focus on Excel day. Oh, yea, and SMACKDOWN tonight! Love wrestling; that's all my Lord Dragon and our mutual best friend The Rat's fault. Anyway, cut this ramble short and move on with my day. It's a beautiful day!

Sitting here ready to sleep, having been made aware of this site through my (whimsically named) Lord Dragon. He's home now, doing his thing. I wish he could stay here longer, but I know everyone has their life to lead, and I certainly have other things to be concerned about. Little Bit, the little girl I watch, fell off my bed and only fate prevented her from cracking her skull on my floor. Lord, I feel like such a failure when things like that happen. But she's fine; dunno about her mother, but that's for another day.

Just started a new job and like it lots; just wish I didn't find myself in the 'miracle worker' position. But that's what I get for being good at what I do when I want to and like it alot. ah well. Looking forward to lots of things, the most being waking up tomorrow morning. A new day, with new challenges. My exhubby thought I was a flake; I would get 'high' off of the promise of a new day. I think the biggest flake was him; pothead that he was, he never realized just how wonderful life without filters really is.

It's hard for people to understand, I think, how I look at life, my own, and the future. You're only as happy as you want to be, and I have no reason, or at least, very little reason, to be sad. I can honestly say I am prone to clinical depression, but I am not as bad off as many who are seriously in need of medical aid. Me, I look at things, and I have a choice, whether to accept it and move on, or kevetch and rant and rave and hold on to the problem. Things always look better in hindsight, don't they? Well, hurry them along, then, and just deal with it and move on. The pain is now, but one day it won't be; the joy is now, and that can last longer than any sorrow or pain or regret. I learned that early. I can make that choice, I'm lucky in that. No drug can get me happier than the dawning of a brand new day. I can make the choices and the changes that will bring about a change in my own attitude towards anything. I don't like my job? I quit. I may not have money, but I can make it somewhere else, somewhere I will be happy. Okay, I don't make a lot of money. But I LIKE what I do, which, considering you spend most of your adult life working, should be a more valuable consideration than that damned paycheck! I have never found it worth my emotional wellbeing to make lots of money, but not be happy.

Don't get me wrong, I've got problems. I live a horridly melodramatic spanish soap opera life. I've a pregnant teen daughter, an out of control asshole son, a seriously emotionally hurt younger daughter, a dad who may or may not be having strokes but has SERIOUS issues - he has to be in control of EVERYONE'S life.... - and a mom who's got a martyr complex. My brothers try to be as far from my dad geographically and if not, emotionally, as possible. I've got an exhusband who is married to a very wonderful woman but who thinks that women are evil. That's not mentioning my colored past, or the rather chaotic present I live in, the 'hood, the already traumatic episodes, the worry, the uncertainty. Ah well. That's life. It's fun, despite it's ups and downs, it's problems, it's tears. It's also filled with laughter, and joy, and challenge, and accomplishments, and just plain fun. I've a wonderful guy, my darling Lord Dragon. I LOVE my kids, despite their fuckups - after all, I'm no saint, and certainly didn't give them anything better to model themselves after, though I will tell you this, they are more worldsavvy than I ever was. I'm getting older, though no one believes it - especially not I, on good days!

It's all in the way you look at things. And I like the way I see things. They may not be perfect, but dammit, they're good. I'm one lucky woman!