Inject your life in me/Set the vein so silently/Speak the works that make me cry/Say our love will never die//Skip the days to live the nights/Burn the candles, kill the lights/Soul inside reveals the need/shows the world our love will bleed (line 3x)//(chorus) My meaning of life/My dark affliction/She's better than fiction - She's my addiction (2x)//And this addiction cuts like a knife/it loves to watch me bleed(4x)
Last night not only did the dj (you rock, Kiltboy) play hardass industrial (and somehow, even gave me a moshpit to So What... FUCKING A!!!) he also played Afterhours for me (which I 'sang' to Oddity) and some of what Oddity asked him to. It was a great night.. my throat still hurts and let's NOT get into what my body feels like!
Ah, but some of the memories of last night are so very pleasant. They kept me warm last night. I must have looked like a fool last night, flailing about; but it was great.
Songs for the breakup: Deeper Than the Usual Feeling; Angel One; Poison - all Beborn Beton stuff recently acquired. And I kept running into other songs that remind me of Capt A and the night I told him I no longer loved him. Ouch.
Life's Great Adventure... let's see what happens. I'm hopeful and scared.
And he's playing the soundtrack from the movie 'Once'. We saw it together. I thought it was very romantic and sad. It made me want to be closer to him. I guess guys don't think that way. I think I felt disappointed that he didn't take that emotion and feed it into me.
I'm buying that album. It will be the memory of him and I. My ex, Capt. A.
It took a while. But I did it. Last night he rolled over and asked me 'Why don't you like me anymore?'. I said 'I like you well enough; I just don't love you anymore.'
I wanted to retract those words. Perhaps the night before the start of the work week was not the right time. But as it usually is with Capt A, it was the only time I was going to be heard.
I broke the heart of a man that's good and true and loved me. But I won't lead him on, and I'd be lying to myself if I thought I could just hang on a little more. I've completely screwed myself; I've no driving skills, no money, no place to go. I've friends at least and I will never return to NY.
He said, if what it took was to get my wedding ring and marry me tomorrow, he'd do it. He didn't want to lose me. What I had dreamed of, that he would ask me in front of his friends at the Summer Extravaganza to marry me, he said would have happened this year.
But so much changed this year. He asked me if my going out dancing with those guys - Mohawk Guy and Wierd Eyes - had anything to do with it. Only in that I got the attention and the reinforcement of my ego that I had wanted from him.
No matter what happens, Capt A is, was and will always be the best man I've ever been with. No one has ever done what he's done for me. My karmic debt is going to be killer for this. I start paying it today.