My eldest called me today. She had a psychotic break last night. Several things played into this: breaking up with a boyfriend who is moving to wisconsin for school, mooncycle, drinking and frustration at work/home situations. She needed to talk to me.

I find it interesting that we are both suffering lows. She is seeking help; she has called the hospital and will take half dose of Seroquel tonight.

When we have psychotic breaks, we are manic, extremely so, and engage in wild, violent or excessive behavior. We also hallucinate. Unfortunately, we remember everything, and we hit bottom very hard - we say we crash, because the fall from the manic stage is abrupt and hard. If we don't seek help at this stage, we can start to rapidly cycle - i've lost jobs and apartments this way - or become so depressed as to be suicidal - my mom and I and my daughters have been 'institutionalized' for anywhere from two days to a month for this, in our experience.

We feel shame, guilt, despair and everything feels like it is caving in on us. Literally. I am proud of my eldest; she sees it for what it is and is getting help. In this job market, being bipolar is a dangerous thing. No one understands how dysfunctional this chemical imbalance can make a person who can appear lucid and very intelligent. and no one cares.

I am, unfortunately, struggling with the downswing of bipolar syndrome. It's not severe but it can get ugly.

sticking point with oddity is the fact I'm a loner. Last night we had it out again.

This morning, he posted this as a bulletin:

WE'LL BE SHADOWS IN THE SUNRISE

tHESE HANDS ON YOUR HEAD
PULLING FEELINGS OUT AGAIN
WHY DOES'NT ANYONE LISTEN
WHEN YOU EXPLODE IN FRONT OF THEM

THIS PEACE CANNOT FIND QUIET
YOU CAN SCREAM AND NOBODY HEARS
THESE WORDS TRY TO TOUCH YOUR HEART
TRYING TO FIND YOUR SMILE PLEASE

THIS INTERNAL CONFUSION RAGE
CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING
WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT
HOPE YOU DREAM OF RAINBOWS AND THE SUN

AND ALL THIS WHILE YOU WANT LOVE
YOU FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING
THERE IS DESIRE INSIDE YOUR HEART
DON'T EVER RUN AWAY AGAIN

THESE DEMONS FROM OUR PAST
IT'S SO HARD TO RUN AWAY FROM THEM
THERE IS THE SUN BEHIND THE CLOUDS
IT'S WAITING TO FIND YOUR SMILE BRIGHT

AND WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO RUN TO
YOU CAN ALWAYS RUN RIGHT TO ME
WE'LL BE SHADOWS IN THE SUNRISE
WHEN WE HOLD EACH OTHER LIKE A DREAM


all I can do is cry.