My note to my son: last night I dreamt that you and I were on a road trip somewhere deserty, halfway abandoned but with people there to survey and rebuild something. It was technical and current, so it wasn't Mad Max or Western stuff, it was concrete shells of buildings like observatories or adobe housing. It was all in yellows and greys, and I was doing laundry for the small day care and you had to ferry people around (yes, you drove) to the different potential sites. A tornado warning went into effect while we were expecting severe thunderstorms, and I had to hurry and take the clothes back to the daycare. For some reason, we both decided we wanted to ride out the storm IN THE OPEN, ON HIGH GROUND, and about the end of the dream, while you were walking to see where we could park the car and I had given the clothes to the day care, we realized we were being deathwishy.... miss you my son. And yes, Oddity was in them somehow, these last few nights. Ive been tiring myself out the last two and still get up at 7 or 6. If not, I get up at 2 or 3 and cry, because I dream of kissing Oddity again, holding him, being loved by him. I don't get it. He really hasn't met my desires. He's coldshouldered all I've said in the past two or three years. He can't show desire. His passion is strictly for himself, no thought at all to sharing my passions. He will see how to share someone elses, but then he dumps on it if it seems not to fit some notion he has. I'm confused as to why I seem to want to return for more. Why do I love him? Because I see potential in him? But... I'm not here to change him. He has to himself. And I know if I pull away, he'll go on, and use it as a tragic story casting himself as the wronged party. Yesterday we met up at Musser park to walk around and look for cicada shells. I had Neno, and in my opinion, it wasn't bad. We had a good time, just walking around. Neno wants his attention. He tells me that Oddity's house is his daddy's house, and was upset when Oddity left. I suspect it has more to do with Neno's separation anxiety but it was still cute, and heartbreaking. And I'm an ESL TEACHER!!! so very lucky in other aspects of my life - the aspects he wants to be normal and stable and commonplace, are chaotic and random and richly rewarding. I sure hope time hurries up and eases this pain.. though I'm sure I'm in for a lot more instead. Should realize by now that's my life.. c'est ma vie.