so pissy as I was 'cause I am not going to see Ray this weekend, I decided I'll see if Suzanne is about. She was, and so she picked me up from home and we went off to her house. On the way, we were singing a female version of a beegees song, and we went to hug (she's very affectionate). The wheel turned just a little and we hit a parked car, and totally fucked up Langston's right front. Needless to say, I feel awful 'cause if she had not picked me up or if I had just held off on the hugging, it wouldn't have happened. She needs affection - lots of it. Bendito sea, I felt so bad about it.

I didn't panic - not even worry, really, 'cause we didn't hurt ourselves. But she had just gotten Langston out of the shop that day on the same kind of injury.

We ended up parting ways after the two hours from accident to final towing, and I walked home from Madison between Elm Terrace and Roosevelt to where I live. I'm amazed at my sense of direction - I know exactly where to go even in the dark (and EVERYTHING looks strange in the dark!!!) No fear, no worries - and I'm proud that I can do that, and aware that as the years encroach, that sort of behavior will become riskier...

I learned a very valuable lesson in paying attention to the road and not being distracted. I wish it hadn't happened to Suzanne, though; she's had so much happen to her. :(

Another friend in Lancaster offered me a roommate position possibly opening in a couple of months. OMG to be in lancaster that soon?

But I would like to have my dog with me.

Missing Ray is like physical pain; I want to be there near him. I dont want to move in with him yet - there's so much readjustment I have to make and he has to be willing to make for that to happen. But I want to be where I can see him when I want to - not to mention being able to hang with friends more of my mindset and freedom, and going to do things and see places closer to me as a pedestrian...

Ooooooooo the wait! the wait!!! ah well. second job starts Friday... who needs sleep? Really?

You know, every day, shit happens. What makes a difference isn't that shit happens, but how you deal with it.

Sometimes I get depressed. most of it is chemical - in other words, no real reason behind it. Though I must say that there are very good reasons, in my life, to be depressed. It's just not worth it.

What I do get is Manic; however, I can and have been working around it - and at least, lately, I've not let it send me into a spiral of self-destruction.

I feel very vividly. Some things trigger a hatred in me so profound I could kill. The only other thing that makes me feel like killing is jealousy. I'm proud to say that I've managed to talk myself out of the worse of that!

I'm going to sound like Oddity now. 2007 I graduated and found out about Shadowland Lancaster. I went a couple of times but since I can't drive, didn't have with whom to ride. I didn't know enough of the kinds of people who liked this stuff.

Then I became closer with someone that others told me wasn't so great. She turned out to be abso-perfect-fabulous. I consider her a best friend. We enjoyed SL. Then when she couldn't go, I got lucky and Temptation offered to take me to SL.

It was at this point that I realized my feelings for Capt A were fading. How? Why? I suspect that once I returned to what I loved - dancing and cavorting - that what I had with him couldn't last.

It was there that I saw someone as if from my past - mohawked and outrageous, this young man was reticent yet the center of attention. At one point he asked how I had so much energy. I tend to brag about my age and then he told me he was.. two years older than I.

I didn't know it then, but that was the first wall that came down in my heart. The rest was more subtle. The conversation about 'One More Time' by The Cure - a song I treasured - and he loves The Cure. The fact that he didn't shy away from being so noticeable, despite his shyness. He seemed so vulnerable, so sweet and fierce.

It was easy to be around him. And yet, I wanted to protect him. The night I wanted to kiss him and didn't, I knew I was doomed.

Breaking up with Captn A was horrible. I had fully fixed a future with this wonderful man, and now I was destroying it with hurtful words: I don't love you anymore. It was terrible. I was doing the hurting, me.

The day I kissed Oddity, I knew that there was no going back. I had found the other part of me. It felt and still feels so right. I was whole and where I belonged, when I was next to him. My heart lived in his chest, and his in mine. AND HE FREELY ADMITTED IT.

I was floored by his reactions. He loved me. I was his world, too. I am his world. And it doesn't feel like a dream anymore. It's real. We have had our fights, our disagreeemnts; he can be petulantly stubborn and I am a yeller. I an very calm yet when I blow up, I blow up. I cry easily, but ... so does he. And for someone who hasn't been in such an intimate relationship for so long, it isn't easy to connect in the way we are connecting.

I am moving heaven and earth to be near him. I've lots to overcome - lack of driving, lack of organization, a terrible tendency to packratedness, and a host of other sins that need to be quietly addressed.

Even when I'm so angry at him I could hit him (I am regrettably violentminded) I want to touch him softly and caress him and watch his eyes change.

I always saw his eyes. They were proud and scared, strong and soft, fierce and shy, inquisitive and bold. I loved his smile and moreso what was behind that smile. I love to hear him laugh. I love to hear him talk. I love to watch him move, walk, drive, interact, be silly. Sometimes I get hit by random memories of him or of his scent, or I hear his voice, and I can feel my knees get weak and my heart go nuts.

I wonder sometimes how it will be later down the line of our years. There are so many challenges yet we have to face. I hope we're up to it. I would like my last sight on this earth be his face, lined, aged, crotchety, but mine. My love, my heart, my soul.

I turned 45 sunday. It was a beautiful day. I walked around with friends, and laid in Oddity's arms.

I belong to his world. He belongs in mine. He found this song (and of course it is added to the Canon of Oddity):

Falling by Informatik

Standing there without a care so far away from home
Found myself you don't know where that I was not alone
all my dream did not prepare for what was soon to come
standing there without a care that's when you came along

you're in my arms you don't even know me
I don't know you I want you to show me
I don't need to know where this is going
I'm falling I'm falling I'm falling for you.2x

Let us make a good getaway so we might be alone
Getting late no time to waste there's so much to explore
Something rare is in the air too real to be ignored
Its as though the hands of fate have brought you to my world

you're in my arms you don't even know me
I don't know you I want you to show me
I don't need to know where this is going
I'm falling I'm falling I'm falling for you.2x

We lose ourselves
We shed our clothes
We share our fears
We bear our souls 2x

With the sun the time has come for now you have to go
Not quite sure what I should say I stumble with the words
As I watch you turn away and walk on out the door
In my heart I hope and pray one day there will be more

you're in my arms you don't even know me
I don't know you I want you to show me
I don't need to know where this is going
I'm falling I'm falling I'm falling for you.2x