Sometimes, the worse feeling in the world is caring for someone without being able to give them what they want. I feel like that about my kids, and I feel like that about Temptation. I wish I could, but I can't - not because I'm unable to, but because of my own volition, that belongs to someone else. In this instance, it would be terribly wrong.

I wish I could find another me for him. Or at least help him get someone who will understand him and help him grow. He needs to work past things and I truly feel he needs someone who will understand this and grow with him.

I don't like hurting him. I don't know what to do.


I sent him a photobucket picture that says: Loving you is like breathing; how can I stop?. He responds: You are everything I could hope for.

In IM, he's stressed, his schedule's too tight. I tell him I'll not visit this weekend and he'll get a chance to rest. He says: I'll suffer if I don't see you.

Then he says, Promise me you'll stay with me the entire weekends of the 8th, the 16th and the 22 (his bday).

Someone who yearns for me the way I yearn for him. Someone who misses me every day like I miss him. Yes, I know someone else does miss me that way too, but Oddity is the person I'm in love with; he's the person I felt at the outset was the missing piece of my heart, my soul.

He completes me. and he feels the SAME WAY about me. Someone in sync with me. Someone I'm in sync with. I am calm. I am ecstatic. I look forward and leave the past behind.

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, Be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath Truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful, 'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning, A reason for living, A deeper meaning.
Chorus - I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of..
The highest power In lonely hours The tears devour you..
Chorus then bridge:
Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cos it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...
I'll be your dream I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath Truly madly deeply do


So, the Litany: My son got me to pay for at least his one way to NYC 'cause he fucked up again here in York living with the pretty little alcoholic. He got her dad to pay for her to go up to NYC with him. They asked my eldest for help and then dumped her to go to his friend's house. They were told not to show up at my dad's - so guess where they are at? Yes, my dad's house. And my son thinks his father - the pothead who believes I'm responsible for all the evil in the world - will pay their way back to York because my son has to be here by Friday evening for his recruiter.

My youngest called me today to beg me to get her out of the residential facility. When I put my foot down, she pulled the same guilt trip my son pulled to get the money to go to NY: it's my fault they're like that because I abandoned them for almost 15 years. FUCK that hurt.

May give notice to my job that I'll be going to parttime by August 25th - I need a job and I am going to move to Lancaster City after all. No, I'm not moving in with Oddity. That's not in the cards at all. Neither of us are ready for it. I want my own place. I need to drive. I need to get out of Capt's A's house and way. I need to move on careerwise. I need so much!