Is it wrong to be proud of the fact that I can't really gain weight? That I can be as cut as I want to just by working out a little harder everyday (doesn't take much)? That I do have a pleasant face and good body for approaching 45, and that I can move as much as I do despite the injuries I've had? And that I don't age much - my genetic heritage is to be younger than my years. I'm proud of these things, but sometimes it feels so wrong. Not everyone's as lucky as I am in these points - but they are more self confident, perhaps, or they are lucid thinkers (I'm clear thinking about 10 days a month...) or can handle their finances (I certainly can't) and have more success in their lives - house, kids under control, car, job.....

sometimes I look at myself and see the goofy, slightly out of shape, saggy woman with poor mental acuity 75% of the time and no luck in the 'grown-up' world; sometimes I catch myself in wonder at the cute/elegant woman in the mirror with a clear perspective and acceptance of her life and satisfaction with what she does possess.

I just have to remember it's only chemical...

olive skin next to rosy hue
your breath defines my world


yea. i'm obsessed. it has its highs and its lows. I have to be so very careful of my emotions; they veer wildly out of control with little provocation.

all i want to do lately is write about him. sheesh.

I live in his skin
his heart beats in my chest

analyzing my anxiety attack on tuesday, and part of it was the unfortunate price I pay for obsession. not much I can really do about it once it has taken hold; i have to nip it in the bud early for it not to trigger an episode like tuesday.

that with the rain and cold (I HATE the cold; no one understands how much it actually physically hurts - my skin hurts, my bones hurt, my joints hurt, everything hurts when I'm cold) plus having two papers due that I had barely really worked on - and the overwhelming desire NOT to face work - all those factors played into Tuesday's episode.

I drank about a full glass of rum to calm down; I did not get drunk, which is improbable as a shot makes me tipsy. my metabolism must have been overclocking; I was also constantly eating and could not feed myself enough. I could not stay still and when I did it was a maelstorm of noise and pain and emotion.

yea, don't want it happening again. could have been the food i ate over the weekend, too; which would mean that my body's extremely sensitive and THAT, my friends, is total fuckedupedness.

you know you have a problem when:

You can't stay still.
Your heart is racing.
You're paranoid
the door scares you.
you are shaking and cold and it is hot
your skin crawls
you want to scream and cry and there's no reason why
You're afraid to tell your boyfriend you think you're going insane
you can't focus on a goddamned thing
you fear losing your job whether you go in or not
-- because you're manic
I am manic. I am scared. I can't calm down. My fingers and toes are cold
and I'm wearing clothes and socks. My skin is crawling and I want to scream and cry and throw things. I'm not angry. I'm just fucking insane.

I walked out of my house to go to work and ran back home. I couldn't close the door fast enough.

I keep on retyping everything 'cause I make mistakes every other word.

I can't keep a full thought in my head.

Nothing is making sense. Except this. I hope this helps.

I dont' want to go through this any more!!!

He wrote the following to me as an email last night, 5/25/09, 10:27PM

"our weekend: As i saw you wave from the bus i could feel my eyes become tear filled. I turned the corner onto prince street and i cried a little. Selfishly, i wanted to give you a ride home. I wanted you to stay over. I have so many memories again of you this weekend. You are so nice and positive and fun. And patient with me. I know you would do anything for me. I feel the same way. I love when you wave from the window when i leave for work. It's like something from a TV show. I need to learn to go with the flow better. And be more positive. I am trying, i'm not used to it. I know it affects you more than you let on probably. This was the longest we have spent together, i think. I realize even more that i like you around. I miss you when you are not. I don't say it as much as you. it hurts a little to say it. I want you to be safe and happy. Everything you are doing pleases me and impresses me. Back to school, learning to drive, your job searching. I do like all the little things you do for me. I know you are trying to relieve my stress and workload. I thank you for everything you do. i love you so much. Sometimes i don't feel we have enough time. I look forward to the time we can see each other whenever we want to. I love you, princess."

I love him more than words can say.