Oddity posted this song for me as a message to me on MySpace:
Biggest Part Of Me by Ambrosia
Yeah (Sunrise)
There's a new sun arisin'
(In your eyes) I can see a new horizon
(Realize) That will keep me realizin'
You're the biggest part of me
(Stay the night) Need your lovin' here beside me
(Shine the light) Need you close enough to guide me
(For all my life) I've been hopin' you would find me
You're the biggest part of me
Well - Make a wish, baby
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you,
So we could wash away the past,
So that we may start anew
(Rainbow) Risin' over my shoulder;
(Love flows) Gettin' better as we're older
(All I know) All I want to do is hold her
She's the life that breathes in me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(For better) For me, there's nothin' better
You're biggest part of me
Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ahh)
So that we may start anew (ah ooo)
Oh - More than an easy feelin',
She brings joy to me
How can I tell you
What it means to me?
Flow like a lazy river
For an eternity
I've finally found someone
Who believes in me, (who believes (x 2) in me)
And I'll never leave (Now I’ve found all I need)
Oh - Oh, not to doubt now
Mmmm, ain’t life grand?
Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ah)
So that we may start anew (ah oo)
(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me
(To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me
(Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me
You're the biggest part of me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) From now until forever
You're the biggest part of me
You're the life that breathes in me
You're the biggest part of me
Mmmmm
You changed my life
You made it right
And I'll be a servant to you
For the rest of my life ahhh
You're the biggest part of me.... ahhh
It's very nice to date someone of my generation. I didn't think I could love someone more, but he did it. I respond very well to music... and he's pushing all the right buttons.
Friday
Wednesday
I like my current living arrangement, don't get me wrong. I love being able to continue to take care of Capn A and make him breakfast and lunch, and be his sounding board and ears. I'm going to miss him a huge lot when we move on with our lives.
But this morning, when I woke up next to Oddity, I knew I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. No matter how pissy he gets (his reaction to things unknown or unsure) or how adamant he is about something, I can deal with it. He's not the kind I can get up and make breakfast for, for instance, like I did for Capt A.
This morning, he snuggled his head into my chest and wrapped his arms around me and fell back asleep. I would kill for more moments like that. He is openly affectionate. He isn't the kind that doesn't want me around when we go out. He LIKES me being around him. I had gotten so used to not hanging around my SOs 'cause they wanted their space at public events, this attitude of wanting me near him instead of off on my own is ... indecribably incredible.
If and when we do have a life together, it is going to be challenging. He is NOT an easy person; he is older and set in his ways. I am a flexible person and consider myself lucky to be so. But I am also older and I do have a comfort level I am not willing to compromise.
We have time. I wish I didn't feel so torn about leaving Capt A on his own.
But this morning, when I woke up next to Oddity, I knew I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. No matter how pissy he gets (his reaction to things unknown or unsure) or how adamant he is about something, I can deal with it. He's not the kind I can get up and make breakfast for, for instance, like I did for Capt A.
This morning, he snuggled his head into my chest and wrapped his arms around me and fell back asleep. I would kill for more moments like that. He is openly affectionate. He isn't the kind that doesn't want me around when we go out. He LIKES me being around him. I had gotten so used to not hanging around my SOs 'cause they wanted their space at public events, this attitude of wanting me near him instead of off on my own is ... indecribably incredible.
If and when we do have a life together, it is going to be challenging. He is NOT an easy person; he is older and set in his ways. I am a flexible person and consider myself lucky to be so. But I am also older and I do have a comfort level I am not willing to compromise.
We have time. I wish I didn't feel so torn about leaving Capt A on his own.
Tuesday
I see Oddity within the next three hours. I'm 44, and I still feel this delicious sense of anticipation, a quiver of delight, at the thought of seeing him. He feels the same way, I think. He and I are going to go to a concert to see Combichrist; we're excited over that even as we are lamenting our lack of bounceback 'cause the next two days are going to be HARD, especially on him. But the major excitement isn't the concert; it's seeing each other. and he's older than i!
He talks about me and expresses his emotions about me. He puts it in writing!!!
I'm the one who excites him (oh, he's male, I know any female can - but I"M the focus!!!), I'm the one he thinks of. I'm the one. ME.
This thought is hard for me, it's amazing, it's new. I've had guys who were attracted to me, or who loved me in some way. But ... I think this is the first time that someone feels the way I do for them, for me. Truly in love.
Oh please let this be a forever thing!
He talks about me and expresses his emotions about me. He puts it in writing!!!
I'm the one who excites him (oh, he's male, I know any female can - but I"M the focus!!!), I'm the one he thinks of. I'm the one. ME.
This thought is hard for me, it's amazing, it's new. I've had guys who were attracted to me, or who loved me in some way. But ... I think this is the first time that someone feels the way I do for them, for me. Truly in love.
Oh please let this be a forever thing!
Monday
I make his heart sing. Me. I do. He loves me. ME. HE LOVES ME!!!!
"Monday, February 09, 2009 A reality Dream unfolds Current mood: thankful
Having just woke up a little while ago some thoughts have come to mind that i would like to share. I often have dreams that seem so real that when i wake up i feel like i've escaped the dream i was in or that i am still in the dream that was unfolding. I also sometimes feel myself (within the dream) trying real hard to focus on the face of someone in my dream without it ever really revealing the person. I remember there was this one time where i was dreaming that i would meet someone very special and there she was in my dream but i could not see the face of the person no matter how hard i tried but this one time i sensed her face was coming into focus and then i woke up, thus ending the dream..
(that last sentence may be one of the longest i have written)
In the spring of 2008 a reality dream unfolded. This time i was not asleep. She was in full focus. It just kind of developed and the more we came to know each other the more we wanted to see each other. I don't know exactly how to explain this, but we are each others lost half. I had practically given up on the idea of a solid relationship ever happening for me. I was not searching or hoping. We somehow just became one gradually and now i think about her all the time. She is pretty, sexy, educated, tough, ever cheerful, and full of hope and compassion, as well as love. We are still getting to know each other and taking our time. I could not be more lucky or blessed and i am very happy. I am truly in love.
That being said, it is good to have hope. It is important to like yourself and believe in yourself. Self confidence and being comfortable on your own is very crucial. Just be yourself and you will shine in someone's eyes. If you are lucky, you will feel the way i do.
It is good to dream.. "
He wrote that. He also wrote this:
"Saturday, February 07, 2009 FoReVeR ViCioUS Current mood: amorous
a chamber of echoes
filling empty spaces
tormenting me
makes me want you more
i take this aggression
piercing inside of you
and it feels vicious
and you are delicious
and nothing matters
you look inside me
my heart is not black
and you want more
i know you need more
a heart on fire
beating fierce
vicious for you
this feels like forever
i want nothing more"
And this:
"FEAST OF LOVERS Current mood: vibrant
tO TASTE,
lEAVING YOU WANTING,
tHIS FLESH,
wE DIE OF THIRST.
a KISS,
qUENCH YOUR DESIRES,
wANTING MORE,
a NEED TO FEED,
sAVORY.
oPEN YOUR HEART,
fEEL MY LOVE,
tHIS DEEP CARESS,
fOREVER.
tHE LAST MORSEL,
eVERY BIT,
fLESH FROM FLESH,
dIVINE.
sPREAD YOUR WINGS,
tHE ETERNAL,
wAITING LIKE VULTURES,
tHIS CEREMONY,
a FUNERAL FEAST OF LOVERS"
And This:
"ROMANCE is EVERYTHING Current mood: cheerful
love is
i look in your eyes, and all i see
is everything, the beautiful things
flower petals lay in your hands
it's all i can give, it's all i am
the love i feel inside,
you make my heart feel
inside these whispers
you are closer to me now
reach out your pretty hand
for the flowers of romance
when i see you it's beautiful
yes, you are my princess
and my heart is yours too
right next to you is all i want
and i want everything
so please accept,
the words of romance
these words are for you
and so am i
in love"
"PASSING TIME Current mood: romantic
A school boy sits idly shy wondering how his heart strings are being pulled by the girl he admires after he had lost all hope.
One small smile lets the sun shine through the window as she peeks out looking for him.
As clouds pass by they think of each other, two shadows standing side by side hand in hand.
If this feels like love then they feel everything.
One day at a time, nervous and anxious like the first day they laid eyes on one another.
Two hearts beating as one, dancing to the same song.
Turning the page inside this beautiful dream, waiting to see the smile that lights up their lives.
A school boy sits alone on the school steps, waiting for the pretty girl to return"
"and on the seventh day Current mood: romantic
she'll hear seven beats of my heart
twenty seven miles away
and like the distant thunder
she'll feel my presence nearby
when i look into the silver mirror
her lips i wish were close to mine
and i can feel myself alone
wanting her here next to me
seven kisses blowing in the wind
each one destined for her
like the times we spend together
when all i want is to be with her
she'll know that my aim is true
and on the seventh day
there's love inside of our hearts
when she is in my arms again"
I love him. I love my Oddity. I love My RayZOR.
Monday, December 29, 2008 CLOSER TO THE SUN
walking towards the sun
following her
like shadows follow me
pulling my heart strings
following love
like a ray of sunshine
blue skies smile upon me
feeling her warmth
following close
closer to the sun
my love inside her heart
her shadow next to mine
Friday, December 12, 2008 THE BLUE GIRL
oN A BLUE SKY MORNING ANGEL BIRDS SING.
sUNLIGHT STREAKS THROUGH THE MINI BLINDS.
tHE BLUE GIRL'S FACE BURSTS INTO HAPPINESS.
sHE DANCES IN THE SHADE OF A TALL TREE.
wAITING FOR HER LOVE AT THE END OF THE DAY.
sO PRETTY LIKE THE RAINBOWS AFTER RAIN.
aN ANGELS HEART BEATING INSIDE HER CHEST.
wAITING FOR THE SHADOW OF HER TRUE LOVE.
tHE SUN SHINES ON HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN.
aND THE BLUE GIRL SINGS AS SHE DANCES AWAY.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 into the shadow
One heart beating fierce
dancing in the shadows
and i watch
standing in the moonlight
this pulsating beat
getting inside of my head
clutching my chest
my heart pounds
and i am at peace
shining in this moment
and i dance
into the shadow
and i watch myself
nothing ever more fierce
this is like a memory
i once had of heaven
and i'm falling into you
for this is who i am
i'm giving it all away
the shadow of my heart
Saturday, November 08, 2008 BLOSSOM
One fLOWER
oNE Light
One dREAM
oNE Chance
So bEAUTIFUL
pRETTY Petals
Taken One by One
I LOVE YOU
iN SunShine
And Also iN rAIN
wE bLOSSOM
We Can Still Dream
And this one was about me and my kids, in part:
Friday, October 24, 2008 THE CONCRETE WALLS
she's taking her long dive
i'm catching all of her tears
and the deeper that it gets
the deeper i know i will go.
and she's coming up for air
but only for a short while.
these monkeys will play
and they'll get into trouble
and this is where i sigh.
the restless waters converge
those that once stood still.
were we this far apart ?
when you were next door.
did he take it for granted ?
that she's always been there.
always when you fall apart
and fuck up time and again.
and even then my friend
with all of her soft heart
she gave everything to you.
and then some more.
but it's never enough
to say "i love you"
when you tear her apart.
these moonlit skies
sliver and silver tongue
searching for lost souls
that are buried alone
among the burning stars.
and now you are asleep
without any windows.
are there any mirrors ?
please look inside yourself
before it becomes too much.
before you are too late.
"Monday, February 09, 2009 A reality Dream unfolds Current mood: thankful
Having just woke up a little while ago some thoughts have come to mind that i would like to share. I often have dreams that seem so real that when i wake up i feel like i've escaped the dream i was in or that i am still in the dream that was unfolding. I also sometimes feel myself (within the dream) trying real hard to focus on the face of someone in my dream without it ever really revealing the person. I remember there was this one time where i was dreaming that i would meet someone very special and there she was in my dream but i could not see the face of the person no matter how hard i tried but this one time i sensed her face was coming into focus and then i woke up, thus ending the dream..
(that last sentence may be one of the longest i have written)
In the spring of 2008 a reality dream unfolded. This time i was not asleep. She was in full focus. It just kind of developed and the more we came to know each other the more we wanted to see each other. I don't know exactly how to explain this, but we are each others lost half. I had practically given up on the idea of a solid relationship ever happening for me. I was not searching or hoping. We somehow just became one gradually and now i think about her all the time. She is pretty, sexy, educated, tough, ever cheerful, and full of hope and compassion, as well as love. We are still getting to know each other and taking our time. I could not be more lucky or blessed and i am very happy. I am truly in love.
That being said, it is good to have hope. It is important to like yourself and believe in yourself. Self confidence and being comfortable on your own is very crucial. Just be yourself and you will shine in someone's eyes. If you are lucky, you will feel the way i do.
It is good to dream.. "
He wrote that. He also wrote this:
"Saturday, February 07, 2009 FoReVeR ViCioUS Current mood: amorous
a chamber of echoes
filling empty spaces
tormenting me
makes me want you more
i take this aggression
piercing inside of you
and it feels vicious
and you are delicious
and nothing matters
you look inside me
my heart is not black
and you want more
i know you need more
a heart on fire
beating fierce
vicious for you
this feels like forever
i want nothing more"
And this:
"FEAST OF LOVERS Current mood: vibrant
tO TASTE,
lEAVING YOU WANTING,
tHIS FLESH,
wE DIE OF THIRST.
a KISS,
qUENCH YOUR DESIRES,
wANTING MORE,
a NEED TO FEED,
sAVORY.
oPEN YOUR HEART,
fEEL MY LOVE,
tHIS DEEP CARESS,
fOREVER.
tHE LAST MORSEL,
eVERY BIT,
fLESH FROM FLESH,
dIVINE.
sPREAD YOUR WINGS,
tHE ETERNAL,
wAITING LIKE VULTURES,
tHIS CEREMONY,
a FUNERAL FEAST OF LOVERS"
And This:
"ROMANCE is EVERYTHING Current mood: cheerful
love is
i look in your eyes, and all i see
is everything, the beautiful things
flower petals lay in your hands
it's all i can give, it's all i am
the love i feel inside,
you make my heart feel
inside these whispers
you are closer to me now
reach out your pretty hand
for the flowers of romance
when i see you it's beautiful
yes, you are my princess
and my heart is yours too
right next to you is all i want
and i want everything
so please accept,
the words of romance
these words are for you
and so am i
in love"
"PASSING TIME Current mood: romantic
A school boy sits idly shy wondering how his heart strings are being pulled by the girl he admires after he had lost all hope.
One small smile lets the sun shine through the window as she peeks out looking for him.
As clouds pass by they think of each other, two shadows standing side by side hand in hand.
If this feels like love then they feel everything.
One day at a time, nervous and anxious like the first day they laid eyes on one another.
Two hearts beating as one, dancing to the same song.
Turning the page inside this beautiful dream, waiting to see the smile that lights up their lives.
A school boy sits alone on the school steps, waiting for the pretty girl to return"
"and on the seventh day Current mood: romantic
she'll hear seven beats of my heart
twenty seven miles away
and like the distant thunder
she'll feel my presence nearby
when i look into the silver mirror
her lips i wish were close to mine
and i can feel myself alone
wanting her here next to me
seven kisses blowing in the wind
each one destined for her
like the times we spend together
when all i want is to be with her
she'll know that my aim is true
and on the seventh day
there's love inside of our hearts
when she is in my arms again"
I love him. I love my Oddity. I love My RayZOR.
Monday, December 29, 2008 CLOSER TO THE SUN
walking towards the sun
following her
like shadows follow me
pulling my heart strings
following love
like a ray of sunshine
blue skies smile upon me
feeling her warmth
following close
closer to the sun
my love inside her heart
her shadow next to mine
Friday, December 12, 2008 THE BLUE GIRL
oN A BLUE SKY MORNING ANGEL BIRDS SING.
sUNLIGHT STREAKS THROUGH THE MINI BLINDS.
tHE BLUE GIRL'S FACE BURSTS INTO HAPPINESS.
sHE DANCES IN THE SHADE OF A TALL TREE.
wAITING FOR HER LOVE AT THE END OF THE DAY.
sO PRETTY LIKE THE RAINBOWS AFTER RAIN.
aN ANGELS HEART BEATING INSIDE HER CHEST.
wAITING FOR THE SHADOW OF HER TRUE LOVE.
tHE SUN SHINES ON HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN.
aND THE BLUE GIRL SINGS AS SHE DANCES AWAY.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 into the shadow
One heart beating fierce
dancing in the shadows
and i watch
standing in the moonlight
this pulsating beat
getting inside of my head
clutching my chest
my heart pounds
and i am at peace
shining in this moment
and i dance
into the shadow
and i watch myself
nothing ever more fierce
this is like a memory
i once had of heaven
and i'm falling into you
for this is who i am
i'm giving it all away
the shadow of my heart
Saturday, November 08, 2008 BLOSSOM
One fLOWER
oNE Light
One dREAM
oNE Chance
So bEAUTIFUL
pRETTY Petals
Taken One by One
I LOVE YOU
iN SunShine
And Also iN rAIN
wE bLOSSOM
We Can Still Dream
And this one was about me and my kids, in part:
Friday, October 24, 2008 THE CONCRETE WALLS
she's taking her long dive
i'm catching all of her tears
and the deeper that it gets
the deeper i know i will go.
and she's coming up for air
but only for a short while.
these monkeys will play
and they'll get into trouble
and this is where i sigh.
the restless waters converge
those that once stood still.
were we this far apart ?
when you were next door.
did he take it for granted ?
that she's always been there.
always when you fall apart
and fuck up time and again.
and even then my friend
with all of her soft heart
she gave everything to you.
and then some more.
but it's never enough
to say "i love you"
when you tear her apart.
these moonlit skies
sliver and silver tongue
searching for lost souls
that are buried alone
among the burning stars.
and now you are asleep
without any windows.
are there any mirrors ?
please look inside yourself
before it becomes too much.
before you are too late.
Sunday
It is physical pain to leave Oddity. I want to be near him. I know I've said it before about others, and there must be a reason for this. I am complete around him. I admire his creativity, I like his pissy moods, I love his kinks, his random wierdness. I don't like bars, but i can enjoy them around him.
Suddenly I seem to be attractive to people. I know what it is; I am alive again. I am active and out there, dancing and flirty and full of energy. I had shut down after Lord Dragon and for the time I was with Capt A, I did not open up enough.
Now I'm alive. Everything turns me on; everything is new. I am excited about my life and my future. I want to be where I can be me. It will cost.
I went through my books upstairs and I can't see myself without them. Oddity did let everything go. How can I let go of my bestest friends? Those books make me feel safe, and I don't want to let them go. Where men and friends can let you down, you can always depend on a book for consistency and stability... LOL
For housewarming, whenever I get an apartment, the only gifts I want are book cases. That's all I want. I can get everything else. But I can't have enough bookcases.
Suddenly I seem to be attractive to people. I know what it is; I am alive again. I am active and out there, dancing and flirty and full of energy. I had shut down after Lord Dragon and for the time I was with Capt A, I did not open up enough.
Now I'm alive. Everything turns me on; everything is new. I am excited about my life and my future. I want to be where I can be me. It will cost.
I went through my books upstairs and I can't see myself without them. Oddity did let everything go. How can I let go of my bestest friends? Those books make me feel safe, and I don't want to let them go. Where men and friends can let you down, you can always depend on a book for consistency and stability... LOL
For housewarming, whenever I get an apartment, the only gifts I want are book cases. That's all I want. I can get everything else. But I can't have enough bookcases.
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