This is hysterical and not at all funny. I am having waves of anxiety attacks (fear, sweats, shakes, tears, cloudy thinking, feeling ill, lightheaded, brief headaches) over going to NY. I went home from work (which should have distracted me) because I was shaking and feared dropping another glass or getting in someone's way. I could not think straight. I still can't, and I'm in my own home. What the hell?

I can think of a few reasons: One, I am here in my comfort zone. I hated NYC and my life there (PTSD?) and even visiting is stressful. Two, I hate having my routine disrupted (spending five - six days away from my house, my room, my dog...). Three, Traveling with someone else (Oddity is every bit as stressful as my dad when traveling). Four, it's cold. I want to see VNV nation; I WANT to see my grandchildren. I miss my parents. I want to see Abuelita Yia. My daughters want to see me; my son needs me.

And I want to turn tail and run into my room, under my bed and not come out at all. AT ALL. I want to just go to work and go home and stay home and stay here. This is not the mature, considered actions of a grown woman; this is outright fear in the mind and body of a menopausal bipolar woman.

I'm hoping I don't make this any worse than it has to be; I hope I don't stress Oddity out or my parents or my kids. But it feels like the entire thing (not even started) is killing me.

Edit: yep, seems it's PTSD.. and it figures. NY has been the scene of the worst of my life and the whole 9/11 thing adds to the crappiness. Stands to reason that since I spent 40 yrs of my life there, I'll feel such an aversion to returning. I've not suffered any terrible thing in the two other cities I've lived in. I just have to survive this and be happy I'm seeing my grandchildren.