for some reason I am circling the abyss again. I feel like things are about to fall apart in my life. or they are flying away at the perimeters. I thought that sort of feeling was long gone, with my past, when I was unstable.

I am not unstable. While my life is heading for change - moving to another city, new job, online schooling, a recession turning into a depression and making all of the above possibly moot - it is not a depressing thing. I believe I can survive a depression - my kids, I don't know and I fear for them, but that is every parent's nightmare. but this shouldn't trigger what I am feeling now.

It is not as acute as it was when I was younger. I don't feel like I'm headed, screaming and kicking, towards oblivion. but headed it feels I am.

I am walking my path and suddenly there is nothing to the right of me but space and nothing to the left of me but rock and the path has become treacherous - and yet, I can navigate it, I know I can, but the abyss is right there, reminding me it's been waiting a very long time for my company.

I don't think it's very friendly. It pokes and steals the path bit by bit. It taunts and jeers and flays open my fears and my shames. Strangely enough, however, it is not getting the panic I felt in the past. This gives me hope. It is the echo of mental illness and I am hoping it echoes due to distance, not due to enclosure.

No one would understand this. I'll watch my path and move on with my plans and be open to change and hope that I don't fall into the abyss' cold open arms.


I wish I could tell Capn A why is it I fell out of love with him. I love hugging him and helping him and being near him; but it really feels it's all about him. He needs validation, but truly doesn't see that others close to him need it just as much as he wants it.

I know why he needs/wants validation and its not a stupid reason. It's very very valid and I wish that I were selfless enough to give it to him and have stayed his girlfriend. But I also need validation, as a woman and a sexual creature, as an intelligent person and as a friend. That was missing.

you know why I can't tell Capt A anything? He won't listen, because he says I always bring it around to me. Well, I'm friends with two of your girlfriends, Capn A, and guess what? We agree. It's all about you, and you forget we need too.


lost in thought, i dream of you
the might-be, the possibility
tenacious, tenuous, teeming and trembling
thoughts of me and you.

how could someone wash through me so thoroughly
unexpectedly, suddenly, completely lost
tossed by the waves, adrift and found
in the sea of calm within your eyes?

whispered, swift, silent, sure, wily
Love. so much in so small a word
you fill it, overflow it, fit it,
make it real, alive, a wonder, my world.

images of you in every blink - seated
standing, laughing, poking, scowling, angry
tender, sleeping, aroused, calm, intent, intense
eager, hesitant, you. all you.

you surround my senses, warm my heart
sooth my soul, excite my passion.
Where did you come from?
Never let me go.