I'm shaking. Not sure why. It could be exhaustion, emotion, lack of sleep, hunger (need meat!), anger, frustration, hate of this job...
I know what my son and daughter go through when they want to make a life change. Nothing works as fast as we want it to. I want to have a new job and start fresh; I have to pare down my belongings and baggage. I feel trapped by Teri's shenanigans and fear living with her alone because I can't control what she does. This is not the way for a mom to feel!!! I want to spend time with my new friends and old friends and still be able to focus on my home and pets and kid and life. I want to make Capt A happy but I am not in love with him. I want to start new with Oddity and still be on my own. I want to live by myself and see what that's like here, where the rush isn't present. Lancaster seems like a happening place and my new friends are there, but I don't want to leave York or my friends here. I want to see what living in Harrisburg would be like - and working there!
I want to be self sufficient, and I want to take care of Oddity and his concerns. I want to have a place I can bring my granddaughter to and enjoy her company; I want to be independent enough to make my eldest proud. I need to be on my own, the sooner the better. Capt. A said I would be that way, all sails to the wind, precariously perched.
I want to grow old with Oddity. I want to be young with my future grandchildren. I want to be free. I want to stop shaking!!!!
So instead of taking a shower and getting ready for work, I'm posting another secret blog. I am so fucking pissed off at Captain A. He's thanking other people for listening to him this weekend; I understand his need for that and I am not pissed at that. I am pissed that 4 years of being almost the ONLY soundingboard he had is NOT FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED. He's never really taken me for granted, but I was the person who listened to all his ideas, hopes, fears, schemes, thoughts, gaming rants, gaming excitements - I know all about Eve because he spoke about every action he took on that game for weeks on end. I was the person to listen to him for any little thing. When I took an active approach to his ideas, however, he thought I was tearing him down (which I wasn't).
I didn't get the same level of feedback I gave. He couldn't read my papers because I wrote so obtrusely. He couldn't JUST listen to me (but he could not do more than one thing at a time????) I obviously wasn't as interesting as his headspace was.
And it's not so much the listening thing that pissed me off; it's indicative of the greater arch of Captain A behavior. HE DOES NOT GIVE WHAT HE EXPECTS TO GET FROM OTHER PEOPLE. He simply doesn't get the clue that you get what you give out, and can't understand why his brother or friends sometimes pull away from his ideas or conversation. He is not cooperative, though he thinks he is.
Gah. I'm ticked. I'm furious. I've got to calm down.
To hell with it. If anyone reads this that wants to start trouble, this is gist for the mill. I am with Ray. I am his girl. woman. whatever. We were MEANT for each other. It really feels like he's the missing piece to me. He feels the same way. There's still so much we have to work out individually that will make this a challenging relationship. But it is a relationship. We work together. We're not even awkward with each other, though there are situations that may seem that way. The music, the moods, the talking, the connection, the peace we feel with each other. Walking hand in hand; just being together with no expectations other than enjoying each other's company. Granted, this is all very brand new and we're really just getting to know each other. But, for once in MY life, I'm someone's world and he's letting me know this! He's my world and he accepts this!
I'm happy, even though I've got to work on a lot of things in my life to be able to make this work - kids and baggage and job and living arrangements. He's got his things to handle too; this brings to mind the Depeche Mode song "Shake The Disease".
It feels right. It feels like I've come home. I feel like I've found the person I've been looking for. and he tells me the feeling is mutual. Dear goddess, let this be real and lasting. I'm afraid.