I cleaned out my desk. And ran headfirst into my memories - of my childhood, of Lord Dragon and The Devil (prior to Lord Dragon) and of Capt A; of my eldest's frightening descent and the fears surrounding it. My childhood, lonely and alienated; The Devil and my lack of self esteem; the Lord Dragon and how I felt about him, and how he betrayed me. Capt A and the way we struggled to keep love alive. My eldest ... I'm afraid of going through the rest of this stuff.. for fear that it will trigger a cryfest.

drat memories.

"And it really kicks my head/Rips me up and makes me sad/Sending shiver down on me/expressing Velocity/All I want is not for me/All I need I cannot be/Sending shiver down on me/Expressing Velocity" Neuroticfish

"I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you" Hoobastank

"But the paws of fear upon your chest/Only love can soothe that beast/And my words are paper tigers/No match for the predators of pain inside her/I say love will come to you/Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true/As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through/Where theres now one there will be two.." Indigo Girls

"Have I been blind/Have I been lost inside myself and my own mind/Hypnotized mesmerized by what my eyes have seen/Have I been wrong/Have I been wise to shut my eyes and play along/Hypnotized paralyzed by what my eyes have found/By what my eyes have seen/What they have seen/Have I been blind/Have I been lost have I been wrong/Have I been wise have I been strong/Have I been hypnotized mesmerized/By what my eyes have found/In that great street carnival/In that carnival" Natalie Merchant

Alicia Keys, Diary.

All the above dedicated to my friend and confidant; of whom I am both friend and confidant. I am honored and awed to be there for you. Thank you for being there for me. I understand, and thank you for understanding. Thank you for supporting my decision, and for supporting my love for Oddity. Thank you for so much more that you've been for me. Thank you for breaking me free.

My daydreams consist of finding a job in Lancaster that pays over $32k/yr and having enough time to find a good apartment and move there. Sometimes Teri is in them, reformed and responsible. Sometimes Teri has moved on - back to NY.

Oddity, also, has found a new job that pays well. I get an apartment near him and at some point, we decide to share an apartment. (y/o casarnos!)

I have tons of bill to pay off. More than his debts. about oooo 5x more. With a better job here in York, and if Teri cooperates, I may be able to pay the majority off by xmas, leaving only the student loans. If Teri doesn't coooperate, well, I have to leave Aaron's house and pay rent and utilities and THAT will prevent me from paying off any of them.

I can only pray my youngest gets a clue. Then my daydreams can become a reality - though it still will be about a year from now. le sigh.

I really really DETEST HATE ABHOR air conditioning. I am sitting in my office, with two thick sweaters on, two more sweaters wrapped around my legs, wishing I had thicker socks on 'cause my toes are cold. Every joint in my body hurts and my back is tight and painful from trying to hunch away from the cold and shivering. I'm probably the only person who feels this way in this office, but this doesn't bode well for my future work abilities if this cold sensitivity continues. My fingers and hands hurt and my shoulders and elbows hurt and this is awful. I'm going to have to break out the heater again just so that I can function!

Didn't bring my mp3 today with me... wanted to see if I was willing to be alone with my own thoughts. I am. It's all good. My neck hurts a bit; bad sleeping posture. I was able to work out all the other body kinks and aches, but my neck's always a bugger. My heels still hurt from the pounding I gave them for Celtic Fling Concert. And the longer I sit on this chair, the worse it hurts when I get up. And I'm soooo cold! This cold makes my aching middleaging body worse. I hate it with a passion but I can't do a damn thing about it other than wear sweaters and scarves and long pants and socks. I wish I could find a job that didn't have air conditioning...

Still looking for work. My fondest desire is to find a perfect job - IN LANCASTER - and just start working there, staying at either Gypsy's or Oddity's for the week and then staying in York on the weekends. The down side to that is that I'm still responsible for Teri.

Ah, we (the social worker and I) had that conversation - why is Teri so low priority. Well, first of all... SHE'S EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. What can I use to control her behavior??? And then there's the whole acquiescence thing. If she doesn't want to do something and I make her do it, it's bitch, rant, whine, complain and generally make everyone around her miserable. It's why my friends do not want to deal with her coming along on anything. If I deny her something, it's bitch, rant, complain, compare, wheedle, cry, yell and generally making me so miserable I can't be at peace. Or, she's just go off and then I'm responsible.

So work will stay in York, as will I. I am planning on moving Teri up to the attic; the logistics are a little on the staggering side, but I figure that I can move some boxes out of the attic, some boxes can be repacked and stored elsewhere, and some can be tossed because I do collect much junk. But something has to be done; she can't continue this way. She steps on Capt A's toes and mine and it's becoming dreadful. If Teri gets and keeps a job, she can stay in that room. If not, she's outa there.

And all this stresses me out and I don't want to be on meds (another stressor in and of itself). GAH. But at least I'm handling it well right now. Then again, I've been alone for almost 24 hours and that's always good, when I can be alone during daylight hours.

Last night was a trip. After watching Lady in the Water (I liked it!) I debated where to sleep and finally decided to sleep in my own bed in the attic... and so I secured all the windows, took the dogs, the bladed sword, my knives and a heavy steel hammer upstairs so that I had enough to defend myself should anything come up those stairs. I never said I was sane.

So I had a very good weekend. Friday night, I took my friend Alliecat (visiting from Jersey) to see Gaelic Storm at the Celtic Fling Friday night concert. I could not afford to go to the whole Fling, but Oddity had Saturday off, so I had consolation prize. Anyway, Alliecat and I met up with Troy and Patsy and we saw Albannach (I ran into Sparkly Mermaid, too) and Sycthian. Love Albannach, and adore Sycthian. Capt A called and so did Oddity, as well as my son (asking for more money) and my youngest (she is safe). When Gaelic Storm came on, Alliecat knew almost all the words to the songs and we danced and had loads of fun.

Next day, I was supposed to get the snake fed and so I had to go purchase a frozen rat (jumbo. please.) However, I relied on Rabbittransit. May I never make that mistake again. I wasted an hour waiting for a connection; I would have gotten to the store and done had I walked in that time. Well, so it delayed me a little but I made the bus to Lancaster with minutes to spare. When I got to Lancaster, Oddity took me to eat and then we went home to just be together (and all that entails). It was nice to spend the afternoon lazing about, talking and randomly being a couple.

"Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting / Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight! / Afternoon Delight.... afternoon delight!"

We finally roused ourselves to get ready to go to Gypsy's Day of the Dead party. I forgot hostess gifts, but I am strapped for cash and I also forgot commemorative items from the people I wanted to remember. Ah well; Ray and I painted ourselves up and went out and had a good time. The only wierd thing was this girl who acted like a cat and triggered all my not-so-good reactions - in terms of I was constantly touching her and this wasn't making Oddity feel good. I don't blame him; as I explained, I love affection and physical contact. But I am no longer the goddess of lust and sexual entanglements; this behaviour should be devoted to the guy who has given his heart to me. It was not a pleasant convo on the way home, but as stated, we both have lots of working out of things to do. and I can't be doing that sort of thing; I want Oddity in my life, not a string of anonymous encounters.

He didn't let it become a big thing, and we retired to his bed content and holding me. I love him.

This morning I woke him up pleasantly and then we lazed about, either on his computer or just on the futon talking. Of course, as always on a Sunday, somehow we manage to get busy just before we're due to be out the door - we barely made my bus back to York - seconds to spare! But I would NOT give that up for the world. He is too enjoyable and the memories keep me warm and happy on the weeknights...

So far I've managed to avoid leaving my peaceful house, but I have to pass by one of my son's friends' home to give them money he borrowed from them, which leaves me effectively broke for the week. And this weekend, I'm paying for my phone AND one of the myriad bills I must pay. There is no money for the next few weeks for anyone but me. ME, because I'm the one working my ass off in a job I hate to be able to make ends meet. My kids will just have to get a job.

I hope to see Oddity Saturday night, but we'll see. We'll play it by ear. I had a magnificent weekend.

My friend Temptation: he's not happy and I wish I could find a way to work things out in his favor. He's hurting and I hate to see someone who's been an incredibly kind and good friend hurt like this. My heart grieves for him.