not an epiphany

Every time I decide to be introspective, I find a new thing to be thankful for and amazed at. Two nights ago, I realized I do not dread going home. I don't fear it. I don't find excuses not to go home. I don't go to anyone else's house - in fact, while I love being at Ray's, I'd rather be home, where my friends and my dog are. I'd rather see Shawna and Davey and Danny and Guy and Mike and Cutty and my Shadow than be outside or in the park or doing extra hours at work or anything else. I am comfortable. My home is comfortable. It is safe. It is welcoming, and while cold in the winter, it's mine. I have my oasis of peace and my geekfest, books and computer, food and friends. I cannot emphasize how comfortable I feel. I wonder if this is one of the factors in why menopause isn't truly kicking my ass as it has to so many other women I have known. Or why I feel healthier despite my food sensitivities and IBS and TILT. I have a solid boyfriend; he's difficult but loyal, sweet and pissy, hardworking and a tad selfish. No matter where he is, he's mine; no matter where I am, I'm his. I feel like I have nothing to fear, for the first time in my life. This could also be the age I'm at - late 40s, content, hormones not fucking with my head, my mental illness no longer manifesting because my stress levels all live in NY.... Yea, I'm happy. And extremely grateful.

Written 5/4/2004

I am this woman: bright, cheerful, wise, loving, hurt, torn, shattered, bent, mother, daughter, grandmother, aunt, brave, bereft, bold, brassy, sexy, sensual, moody, chic, strong, fragile, brilliant, tired, capable, hopleless, worn, old. I am this woman, who suffers and grins, loves and loses. Tired of the pain, but life goes on. My mantra. What did I do to deserve betrayal? Be me - generous, loving, full of life and complexity. Intense, yes; perhaps obsessed. Not cowardly, not afraid; but left now with fear and broken hope. My heart is intimate with pain; my soul with hurt. Beauty abounds and I will not shy away from enjoying it. But fear now sits where trust once stood. Look what you did, manchild, cruel creature. Intrinsic in every facet of my life is my heart. I love with all I have. There is no other way for me. And I will not change; the pain remains, but I will not change. The glory of me IS me. I am this woman; be warned. I am Me. Today: 2013 I am more, because I did not allow myself to stay broken, beaten, defeated. There is no such thing. I am me. Diamonds and steel, flesh and blood, heart and soul, greater than my parts. I am me. Be warned, world; whatever you throw my way, I AM ME. And you shall not win.

Not an earthshattering revelation...

Today as I walked home from work - high speed, as I had to get to another job and I wanted to eat yogurt before that, so I had to be home first - I realized that I wasn't looking for escapes anymore. To frame that: as a kid, every new face, new person, new place, new location, new anything was a new opportunity to escape. Reading was an escape. School was an escape. My friends were an escape (whenever I could talk to them - I really wasn't allowed to have friends other than Jehovah). Sleep was an escape. When I went to assemblies, or new Kingdom Halls, it was a chance to maybe, perhaps, find someone who would help me escape (as the romantic ages kicked in, it was the idea that a boy could take me away from my parents...). I always sought escape from my life. It was the ulterior motive in every teen crush, love, etc. It was the ulterior motive for sleeping with the man I married and had kids for; it was the reason for the love affairs I had. It was the reason for so many temp jobs - all of it was an attempt to escape my life. As sad as it sounds, having kids was an attempt to escape - instead it locked me tighter to my parents and that damned religion. Falling in love was an escape. Then something happened and escape became not only possible, but probable. College started it, but meeting Aaron and his family solidified it. I could ESCAPE! Finishing college in York started on the rebuilding. Working and having to do for myself - and the fact that Aaron did expect me to handle my problems better than flaking the fuck out - created a new foundation. I made the choice and took the leap to move to Lancaster, with no funds, no idea what to expect, but into the oddly comforting arms of friends - like Thorne, who knew me back in my pathetic but wild days. Between her, Ray, Jackie, seeking work, learning more about myself was eye opening. Today I realized I was looking at people like people - either abstractedly or ignoring altogether, but they are/were people - instead as an escape. Today I realized I read much more for my own enjoyment and pleasure and less for escapism. Today I realized I loved my family, but I am happy at a distance away from them. I have my problems - there are many and strike at the core of my identity as a mother (but that's not my only identity) - but I am content with myself. I am and I like who I am. I am surrounded by people I could choose to be around, instead of people forced on me for whatever reason. I have the freedom to choose - to be - to relax. I can love without guilt, share without pain. I can withdraw if I want and my friends understand instead of preach to me. I'm no longer seeking an escape, or someone to rescue me. I am home. I like me.

What went through my mind today?

Today, I celebrated that Karen Crafton and Bill Pham had their son, Kai, on Wednesday. At the same time, I grieve for my friends Joel Woelfe and Jennifer Benton for the choice they have to make for their failing child, Shealynn who was premature and has respiratory damage. Also: Turk and his comment on how we view our friends of over 20 years - as they are, or as they were - and frankly, I do view them as my memory serves, even when they're face to face with me and they have gotten older. It distresses me. I saw a house for sale and daydreamed of being able to buy it, and build a life with my grandbabies. Only my grandbabies. I pondered breaking up with Oddity due to his inability to change - I have changed! I've become a driver, a permanent employee - three jobs, in fact - and making inroads on my bills. I am stable and can soon provide stability for my grandchildren - and that's where we run into the fork in the road that will divide us. He can't understand 'family'. And it saddens me. I also dealt with a broken hearted, grieving young woman regarding her cheating, grifter boyfriend. I think she has the strength and presence of mind - and maturity - to make the right decision, but oh, the agony she is suffering! I wish I could take it on myself (I've the calluses to withstand the pain) so that she can heal faster. I also stood above my granddaughter as she slept and felt awe that this child is spawn of my spawn, that this marvelously complex and intriguing and exasperating person is the fruit of my daughter's womb, and part of my story for a while. She is so beautiful. I also thought of my grandson and how I will see him, and hope he sees me as his nana, and that I want him more than anything. Money matters interwove through all these thoughts, as to how to make my payments, not having enough money to treat my grandchild to frozen yogurt, upset at my youngest daughter and my son for having to give up $30 of my hard earned dollars because they did not make proper choices in their lives. And I worry for them and grieve for them, and rail at them in my head and heart. I also listened to Kilroy was Here by Styx and Operation: Mindcrime by Queensryche, and developed my album storyline with Planet P Project and The Buggles' only album as starters, spanning fads and epochs - now I need a final concept album for this current timeframe. Along with all that I ate breakfast, fixed my hair, played Forge of Empires, visited Facebook - which was the real reason I started this train of thought, because a quick few words, a status, a twitter feed, cannot show the complexity of every hour of every person who wants people to know who they are. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve Alien - Bush

I'm so glad I'm driving now after my 40s... I can't imagine myself any more calmer or centered!  And working three jobs makes it necessary to have the car! And having my granddaughter visit.

I'm aging. It's so fascinating, and scary, because I never wanted to really age, yet it's all kinds of normal. Why do we deny it? I still think we weren't meant to age, but some thing or some one fucked around with our DNA... then again, I believe in fairies.

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to outlive everyone else... then I think of outliving my kids and... no. I don't want to. I'd rather age and die and have my kids live out their lives as they should. Without me freaking out.

wah wah wah

I hate impersonal government agencies. I wish Teribaby would own up (and her man just man up) and try something else. :( I miss My Michelle. I just want to be left alone. I want to do my own thing, work a lot and sleep, read, eat without anyone trying to interfere or put their two cents in. I want to move in with Ray but not in that tiny apartment. I don't want to move away from Gypsy. sigh. I want my grandbabies. I don't want to leave my jobs. I wish, however, that I lived close enough NOT to have to drive; adversely, I wish for more free time to drive more! I love driving! (yea, that is a huge paradigm shift for me!)