"When people keep repeating/that you'll never fall in love/When everybody keeps retreating/and you can't seem to get enough/Let my Love Open the Door/Let my love open the door/let my love open the door/to your heart
I've got the only key to your heart/I can stop you from falling apart/Try today to find the way/come on and give me the chance to say
Let my love / Let my love (open the door) to your heart. "
Boy, am I in trouble. I feel like a schoolgirl and then I feel awful. Any which way I look at this it's going to be painful before it's good. And I can't get him out of my head. And it feels so good.
There's a song that's spinning in my head, dates back many years, that seems so apropos now. "Oh it's sad to belong to someone else, when the right one comes along.." I don't honestly know if that sentiment will bear out, but it feels correct. Only time will tell.
I am not a patient person. I want things NOW and fuck the consequences. But I'm older and wiser, and I don't want to hurt people beyond the necessary, and I certainly do not want to burn the bridges I've built. Plus, my impulsiveness can lose me what I want as well as what I hold dear; I see my kids doing that and I cannot be that person any more.
Capt A deserves better; he's been a good man to me. I feel as if I've betrayed him - but I will be unhappy should I betray myself. Someone wrote (and I had it on the wall) if I could betray another to be true to myself. I don't know. I don't know what is true to myself, but I know how I am emotionally and I can be viciously selfish and I won't do that.
I love his family. Hs friends are my friends. I didn't realize I wanted more - not more, different. Not even that. It's as if this path lead to somewhere else, and I didn't expect it to, and now I'm in a quandary.
I have to be alone before I make another leap. I have to prove I can stand alone, and not against someone else. This way, I can hurt only myself.
Mentioned music as key to what's inside. Mentioned the mess I'm making of my life atm - I'm emotional and right now confused - I'm going to hurt people and upset my life.
She's My Addiction by Third Realm was a very interesting segueway into a song I was starting to obsess over by Beborn Beton, from the Fake Album, named Bodypart.
Look at me - I´m still alive/Believe me - I´m one of your kind/I´m waiting for the night to crawl/You´re twisting my mind/If only could make you feel/The fire that consumes me/Leaves me severely satisfied/Let us pretend you're paralysed//I want you//Take my claws - my flesh runs dry/Relieve me - I feed on your spine/You´re done before the night is gone/You´re doing allright//Give me strength and fill my brains/The power I´ve been losing//I need to seperate your heart/Cause it´s my favourite bodypart//I want you//To be my destiny, my doom/I want you/To be the key to my front room/I want you/To be the dagger in my heart/I want you/To mark the point from where we start/I want you/To be my everlasting torch/I want you/To be the rocker on my porch/I want you/To be the crowbar to my door/I want you/That ain´t enough //'cause I want more
now, lyrics to She's My Addiction...when I've listened to it like 50 million times.
Kicked in the head. I swear.
It's a dark, sort of gloomy Monday. I am at an emotional crossroad and it will take time to move through the morass that is my life atm. I'm listening to music that reminds me of Oddity. Temptation has ceased to be such a temptation. Change is imminent, but it must be propelled by positive change and I've never been very good at that on my own. It has to be on my own, for the rest of it to work. I can't depend on anyone else, because when I do, I feel I owe a debt.
I don't like surprises, but change helps a person grow. It's time for a change. I just wish I didn't have to worry about paying bills. I'll go back to listening to more music for the nonce.
I'm over 40 and I'm still finding myself. Sheesh.