There's a song that's spinning in my head, dates back many years, that seems so apropos now. "Oh it's sad to belong to someone else, when the right one comes along.." I don't honestly know if that sentiment will bear out, but it feels correct. Only time will tell.

I am not a patient person. I want things NOW and fuck the consequences. But I'm older and wiser, and I don't want to hurt people beyond the necessary, and I certainly do not want to burn the bridges I've built. Plus, my impulsiveness can lose me what I want as well as what I hold dear; I see my kids doing that and I cannot be that person any more.

Capt A deserves better; he's been a good man to me. I feel as if I've betrayed him - but I will be unhappy should I betray myself. Someone wrote (and I had it on the wall) if I could betray another to be true to myself. I don't know. I don't know what is true to myself, but I know how I am emotionally and I can be viciously selfish and I won't do that.

I love his family. Hs friends are my friends. I didn't realize I wanted more - not more, different. Not even that. It's as if this path lead to somewhere else, and I didn't expect it to, and now I'm in a quandary.

I have to be alone before I make another leap. I have to prove I can stand alone, and not against someone else. This way, I can hurt only myself.

onward.