When exactly did I lose my heart to Oddity? The night he drove me home from Smalls, when he took off the fauxhawk and put on that hat... suddenly I was seeing someone new. I felt my world shift that night. I love when he wears that hat.

I hugged him at Ulanas, grateful suddenly that he was around. I think that was before Smalls. He wanted to sit next to me on our weekend out; he sat next to me and put his hand on my thigh. Why didn't I react? I felt it belonged there. After Ulanas, I felt like I would hurt anyone who messed with him. After Ulanas, I felt he was mine.

I wanted to kiss him something awful when he dropped me off at my house. But I didn't want to mess up what I had at home.

Then the party, where I was so excited for him to get there, and when he stomped off and I realized I had lost my heart to him. "I love him," I said out loud, and it was true.

I'm not the easiest of persons to get along with; I've got problems. I am difficult, but I'm also very understanding and caring and giving. I'm struggling not to put him on a pedestal like everyone else I've dated. I feel, really feel, that he's the missing part of me. Even when he pisses me off!


I learned alot of things through listening to what I call 'my music'. For instance: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago:

Everyone needs a little time away/I heard her say/from each other
Even lovers need a holiday/far away from the one that they love
Hold me now/it's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to know...
After all that we've been through/I will make it up to you. I promise you/And after all that's been said and done/You're just the part of me I can't let go.

What would you understand from this? Well, relationships need work. You can feel frustrated with someone so much that you want to walk away; but that is not permanent. Saying "I'm Sorry" and meaning it helps - as does accepting the apology (Hold me now). It takes two.

But, as my friend Maria said, too much togetherness breeds contempt (actually she said it in spanish and much more colorful: la carne, junto mucho, hiede). So time apart - in other words, be your own person even in a relationship - is healthy and probably for the best.

Cool Change by Little River Band: It's alright to be alone.
Come Sail Away by Styx: Dreams are wonderful, but as you age you change; don't give up adventure or new things. There's always hope.
Reminiscing by Little River Band: remember the good times. this is healthy.
Cruising by Smokey Robinson: just spending time with each other is precious.
Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks: Live your life every day; even when you are dying, those memories will be there to sweeten the passage. Value the people around you. Love them.
Blasphemous Rumors: suicide hurts everyone and helps no one. death is meaningless and random. God plays no part in it.
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin: Yes, I found meaning in that one. It fits in my warped worldview. DREAM. Life is as fantastic as you wish it. Strive. Seek. Live. Dream.
Hotel California by the Eagles: Pretty Party People are sinkholes.
Bargain by The Who: Value who loves you
Baba O'Riley by The Who: look forward and enjoy life now

More to come as I think of them....
I have very very lucid, vivid dreams. I enjoy this; it makes my sleep time quite fun. Most of the time anyway. This does mean I have very vivid nightmares...

But this is not about a nightmare. This was a dream I have a couple of nights ago that I enjoyed very much.

I was in some city and had to get a bus. I remember brownstones and then getting on a bus that was more like a cabin in a plane, but it was a bus. It was crowded and was one of those tour bus things, with people in various stages of relaxation/preparation. I sat for a while in one seat, chatting up someone about where I was going (the next stop!) to see/meet up with my boyfriend. Then I moved to another seat near a window, and had the guy in front of me recline his seat all the way into my lap - it was funny if rude.

He was with his wife and kids but getting drunk on the bus. Well, when I arrived where I was going (for some reason, a seaside industrial town), he followed me off. I asked him just what he thought he was doing, and he said he was trying to explore and took off in the opposite direction. It didn't take long for him to find me again.

In the dream, seeing my bf wasn't an urgency, so I told him, fine, I would lead him around. Well, we went through an industrial factory where salt was stockpiled and turning green (I know that means something chemically, but I can't recall what) and I refuseed to go through it because I was wearing my heeled thongs (yet, earlier, we went by a stripjoint and basically acted punked out inside and outside when we got kicked out, I was wearing sneakers). We had to get through it to get to the other side (and here I was thinking I was too far from North York and I could not remember for the life of me how to get back) and I found an abandoned building that had a back way around the huge salt dump. There we were joined by a few thugs and one dealer and we climbed through a gated window down a gated metal outdoor stairwell. I thought I wouldn't fit, but I did...

Earlier we had been walking through some seedy place, and it was either nighttime or predawn. I was nattering cheerily with this drunk married young man, being goofy and keeping him at a distance. We decided to go into a stripjoint, and we were kicked out and I walked on the bannisters of the porch and down towards the beach from the place - it was a seaside city, but it was still both Lancaster and York in my head. Then as the sun came up, we went into a bar/restaurant, and he continued drinking and as I was talking to the manager, he went outside and either threw up or fell over the pretty branch bannister, breaking it. Manager was going to call the cops and I laughed and gathered my friend up and continued walking... seems I didn't have to worry about police at all and the impression in the dream was that the police didn't even pay us any attention.

The dream ended at the climbing through the window of the abandoned building. On one side, where the salt was, it was cloudy and slightly chilly, but on the other side of the house, the sun was shining brightly and it was warmer.

Other things happened - all involving establishments that ended up kicking us out 'cause we were creating a disturbance - no, there was NO hanky panky with the drunk married young man - and walking through a seedy, oddly NYCish landscape by the sea with huge factories in green and red and pale colors denoted the bar/restaraurant and the stripjoint.

I woke up from that dream in a very good mood, bouyant, even, but it was 2:fucking 30 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep. It was an odd day.


I HATE HATE HATE my contacts. Soon arrives the big question; money for what will I decide to deny so that I can get glasses? I need them desperately.


I'm working OT this week. 8am - 9pm M-W-F and 10am-9pm T-Th. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?????

On the other hand, I like working all day. I'll go home and crash and get up the next day and do it again and it's only for two weeks, though I wish I had excluded Friday (only 'cause I want to go see Ray, but I'll have to deal like a big girl). I tend to bore easily at home and now I'm not bored.

But I'm going to be sooooo tired....
I had a very pleasant weekend with Oddity, even with the breakdown in communication and tears for a brief minute on Friday evening and the uncomfortable knowledge that he was being cantankerous most of Saturday. I can live with that; I only see him weekends and this will give me the coping skills for when we are closer to each other.

He does need his space; this is a very concrete reality. It will do me good to not jump in with both feet, and will give me the chance to also be on my own without being totally alone. That is, he loves me. I worry for him but he's coped like this for years. I will accept.

On the other hand, can he accept me the way I am? He decries my 'dreamworld' which I consider my healthy optimism. I know the life he lead and accept that he needs to feel rooted in harsh reality. Can he accept that my reality was too harsh to accept and that I can function better with being optimistic to the point of wishful thinking?

Then again, I've had LOTS of lucky breaks in life and that does lead me to believe that they will continue. Maybe things won't fall into my lap as they did in NY, but they will work out. And if they don't, I'll still be optimistic. He's not like me; he doesn't fall into depression and have to take meds for it. I don't want to go there. I'm not changing; I'm not asking him to change either. He is who he is and I am who I am. I know I can adapt; can he? I sure hope so.

He danced with me for the U2 cover band Saturday night, to the romantic slow songs. He introduced me to more people (whom I want to stay in touch with - they're fantastic!) and this means I may have a small foundation of Lancaster friends to hang with when I'm not spending time with him, which also gives him his space and his freedom to be with his friends.

I never asked to be entertained. I just want to be loved - and I want the world to know I'm loved. I would announce it from the rooftops, if I could = yes, Oddity is MY love! He's MINE!

yea, I know I'm possessive. sorta. :) He fell asleep, the shots catching up to him, cradled in my breasts. I held his head to my chest as he fell asleep, kissing his shaved pate, his arms around my waist. I love holding him. And it makes me feel indescribably wonderful when in his sleep he gathers me up to his chest, his arms around me, snoring into my cheek. Sometimes he'll kiss my forehead or my shoulder if my back is to him and he's wrapped around me.

I'm always happy to hear from him. I hope this doesn't alarm him, the way I am. This is how I love. At this age, fuck it. I won't tone it down. This is me.

Sunday I went to see my youngest; she lost her job. She was so distressed and upset - I cried with her but hopefully she remembers what I told her - this is something better to happen while she's here and learn to cope with it rather than when it actually makes a difference and her entire world would collapse. I've been there. So have many of my friends. We've lost so much over the years...

I woke up at 2:30am and finally just got out of bed at 4am 'cause I simply was NOT sleepy. It's 3:10pm now and my eyes sting, but it's from the contacts and not from lack of sleep.

I know it will catch up with me. I hope I get a chance to read myspace tonight when I get home, but I'll probably be so dead I'll just crawl into bed and tell Capt A to make his own breakfast 'n lunch. But we'll see.