I am having a panic attack. It's a combination of driving and talking religion, which I know I should never do, especially with a Born Again.

I am shaking on the inside and feel trembly. I parked again and again until I could figure out what I'm doing wrong. Now I have to practice until I do it right.

I hate this feeling, this trembly, frightened, painful feeling. It hurts across my shoulders and down my arms. My hips and chest are tight. I can't stop shaking. And my thoughts are going a million miles an hour. I feel like my heart is racing and stopping.

I'm at work and I will make it through the day. I will not fall apart. I have to function.

I hope I calm down.


I have an image of him. Sated, face glowing, eyes closed, in bed, his pale skin against deep red sheets. Arms above his head, relaxed, he opens his eyes slowly to look at me and it feels like the sun's rays, warming me as they clear the horizon. His lips curve to give me a smile, gentle and loving. He seems like an angel to me. The look in his eyes is all love, a soft avowal, a tender embrace, and then with his hands he beckons me back to his side, to lie in his arms, his mouth against my hair, my face pressed into his chest. I can hear the beating of his heart. I close my eyes and relax into his arms, the moment forever engraved in my heart. He whispers he loves me and I feel my emotions skyrocket, a million lights bursting in my heart, my mind a cacophony of his words and my feelings.

There is nothing like that moment.