Her Kind, by Anne Sexton.

I have gone out, a possessed witch,
haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind.

I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disaligned.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.

I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.

From The Complete Poems by Anne Sexton, published by Houghton Mifflin Company. Copyright © 1981 by Linda Gray Sexton. Used with permission.

written on LJ jan 27, 2005:

about 30 years ago my mom for some reason was mad at me when she came across me listening to the radio - I was listening to one of the Olivia Newton John songs from Xanadu - and tore into me verbally. "You believe everything that music tells you!" she yells at me "you think someone will come and take you away to a magic land and you're only fooling yourself!" She turned off the radio.

Now, the music I listen to is almost RELIGIOUS to me. Some of you know how I am about dancing and about my music. It doesn't matter what genre it is, or if it's any good or if it is even popular. If it speaks to me, it's MINE. So I tend to like some really BAD music, as well as some people can't understand the appeal to... I don't care.

Well, I think I tend to take some life lessons and philosophical bendings FROM the music I listen to. When a song calls to you, it's because it echoes something within you, an experience, a wish, a memory, a desire, an emotion. Aaron, for instance, won't play country music around me, because I always ALWAYS cry at what the songs say. He doesn't understand what is the appeal of U2 ('it's the same notes over and over again!'). Me? Almost EVERY U2 song says something I've felt, thought, wanted or experienced. Adrian thought most of my musical taste was tacky, poor and unrefined. My exhusband, Andy, hated that I listened to Queen (Fag music) or any classical rock ('what, you wish you were white?') and would often trash a favorite tape of mine (Rocky Horror Picture Show, Queen...). Andrew, another boyfriend, didn't know how the hell I hated what passed for Spanish Music in spanish pop (thank the gods for spanish rock and goth... it saved spanish music!) and thought also I wanted to be white because I disliked hiphop, rap and most R&B.

Everytime I listen to something in my repetoire, I realize soemthing about myself. For instance, I'm happiest when I'm with someone whom I love - and even happier when that person loves me back. I may feel sometimes that I'm losing it, but recently I feel like I can do anything within reason - I can make this work, I can live here, I can survive whatever my injured psyche and mind throws at me - because Aaron is here, next to me, providing support, comfort and someone to dote over.

He's my Xanadu - no, I'm not a fool to believe this will last forever, but I sure as hell hope so!

Anyway, I realize that most of the songs I love to listen to over and over again are things I hope someone feels about me (Little Jeannie, Tiny Dancer, all the Lady songs from Styx, Little River Band, etc etc from the 70s and 80s, Climax Blues Band - get the drift?). This morning Aaron and I woke up to the song "Brown Eyed Girl" and just the fact that instead of turning it off, he started to sing along, holding me, made me feel real and loved. Then "Truly, Madly Deeply" came on, and I LOVE THAT SONG.. and then he killed it by saying "I could never listen to this music - it's so monotonous!" oh well. LOL

What would people say if I told them that part of the noise in my head is a song? That I've a soundtrack that I listen to constantly in my head? That there is a song for almost anything - that there are songs I cannot listen to because it would drastically change my mood, mind, emotions, etc? That I often live out or act out some songs because the song FITS the situation so well?

I love music.. there is a song out there that I heard only once, that Aaron tells me was a big hit two or three years ago. It's a great song - something about things happen, but it can be overcome, no matter what. I want it - wish I could even remember the LYRICS! And Jewels one day gave me "The First Cut is the Deepest"... That song was GREAT.

And of course, the song Aaron said reminded him of the two of us (THIS.. this was what made me feel he was RIGHT for me) "You are My Kind" from the Shaman album by Santana with guest singers (this one had Seal). He would sing this for me or play it for me every time we were in the car. I have YET to be sick of it.

Yes, mom, I believe all the lyrics to all the songs I have every listened to. And while the dreams may not come true, they're still there. They're kept alive by the music. And I keep that music alive inside me all the time.

I wrote this many moons ago, on my LJ. May 5th, 2004, to be exact.

I am this woman: bright, cheerful, wise, loving,
hurt, torn, shattered, mother, daughter, grandmother
brave, bereft, bold, sexy, sensual, moody,
strong, fragile, brilliant, capable, hopleless, worn.

I am this woman, who suffers and grins, loves and loses.
Tired of the pain, but life goes on. My mantra.
What did I do to deserve betrayal? Be me - generous, loving,
full of life and complexity. Intense, yes; perhaps obsessed.
Not cowardly, not afraid; but left now with fear and broken hope.

My heart is intimate with pain; my soul with hurt. Beauty abounds
and I will not shy away from enjoying it. But fear now sits where
trust once stood. Look what you did, manchild, cruel creature.

Intrinsic in every facet of my life is my heart. I love with all
I have. There is no other way for me. And I will not change; the pain remains, but I will not change. The glory of me IS me.

I am this woman; be warned. I am Me.