Saw a huge featherduster (type of centipede? lives in cellars and basements and bathrooms) in the basement. I like them 'cause they eat cellar crickets... but that was an awful lot of cellar crickets to get that one THAT big!

Spiders all over and me with NO camera!!!! Gonna decorate my room - paint the walls a pale blue and hang spiderwebs and spider paraphenalia throughout the room. Want to bring my computer and desk into the room so I can watch movies.

Want to see my daughter; no way to get to her lately. And my weekends are getting full suddenly. I'm hoping my moon cycle holds off until at least Saturday afternoon. Best scenario Tuesday morning!

Got Roka by Calexico - I think I like all of Calexico and may want to invest in some albums. I'll see when there's free money how I can do that.

Going to see a movie called "Home" with Tall Cool One this afternoon. It's at York College at the Humanities Building and it's about the meaning of home and the history of baseball and the junction of it at the location where the Sovereign Stadium was built.

I need to ask to leave early tomorrow to catch the bus. I'll not take lunch. I want to see Oddity. I wish I didn't have to go to NY.

Yesterday, a customer called. From Queens. While we were talking, I mentioned my living in NY, as queens is never just 'Queens' but it's various 'hoods, like Forest Hills, or Bellerose, etc. I lived in Flushing for a while. He asked what I missed from NYC and I said the night life. He mentioned latina and I said actually, no - the goth/industrial scene. He was surprised at the age disparity and I mentioned that older goths have already done their piece and fade into the shadows to watch the antics of the younger set.

Then he said hold on, I'm getting a message. Someone from your family, mother? grandmother? was.. for lack of a better word, a bruja? The message is, to return to your youth, to what you loved in yoru youth.

My grandfather, on my mother's side, was a witch, a speaker to the dead. He would do something like that... and if I were to interpret it, he wants me to return to NY. Why?

Needless to say, it was creepy. I felt a chill and the customer asked me if I had felt it.... yea. Creepy.

Guess I should stop avoiding the talking to the granpere. Still, I just don't believe in life after death.

I am going to have to stay busy. I get obsessive over my emotional states and this is getting ridiculous. I will chase away the love I want if I can't keep this under control.

I am jealous, why? Because I've suffered in the past. But I have to leave the past behind and just not expect it to all go downhill.

But I do get bitchy about hypocrisy. I have to change, but you don't? Really? I can love you as you are, but you feel that I need to change something because it makes you feel bad... WELL GODDAMMIT SHIT, when do I get to tell you what you do to make me feel bad? When does it MATTER that I feel BAD about something? Don't you dare do to me what Capt A did, set aside my concerns but expect his concerns to be made No. 1.

Do NOT take me for granted.

I elected to be reserved. I walked to his house and made it there earlier than he did. Then again, he had to stay to close up.

So long as I don't broach the subject, we're okay. I am sensing he understands and on an unrelated topic, stated he does not act 'flirty' with anyone out in public or private. Only w/me.

Nevertheless, I'm going to be the person I normally am. I refuse to go into that hurt/crying jag thing I get into, like some penny novel lovelorn fool, because I expect from someone what I would give.

I know he loves me. I've just been burned too many times. So I'll behave towards the best of results and expect the worst, because that's what seems to happen when I love someone this much.

I'll always be afraid.

"Have you ever loved someone so much that you didn't care what happened to yourself, you just had to be with them? If they look at you, your heart stops... when you feel their breath on your skin it just... aches... Have you ever craved someone so much that... you just don't exist any more?"

Se que tu, Tentacion, entiendes. I did not want to feel that way. I'm 43 years old, for goodness sake! You'd think that this kind of overdone emotion would fade with age. Why can't I do things on an even keel? Why does this have to be how I feel, like a million times more than normal people feel? Gah!