So, last night, I IM'd about applying to the Baltimore Teaching Residency. I finally see how this could have set someone off - 'residency' could mean having to live in Baltimore, and that's more than an hour away from home (home is where your heart is, and my heart is in Lancaster). This stressed Oddity out. I did not think it was stressworthy until I realized how it sounded to someone who'd never heard of the program. Capt A is a teacher in Baltimore through this program, but he's never lived and will never live in Baltimore. I am of the same mind. I can't accept that job offer if it happens and I haven't got my driver's license yet. But Oddity didn't know that.
So I do understand, now, why he stressed. BUT. He's told me many a time to rely on our love. So why didn't he then? I would not do something to keep us apart. And, then he states that IM should be for light stuff, general talk, joking. The application to Balti was general talk, as far as I was concerned (again, I acknowledge the misunderstanding). However, I need to point out a few things.
IM is the only way we can communicate during the week. We live still too far from each other to actually have face to face conversations. We have so much to catch up on during the short weekends we do have together that leaving serious talk for then is illogical. And, I listen to him when he needs to vent.
Evenings have always been hard on me; I've known a measure of peace while I was with Capt A but echoes of the trauma of youth still abound, especially now when I spend them alone and worried about finances and my children. My outlet is speaking to Oddity in the evenings for the 1-2 hours past my bedtime. But if what I say stresses him out, then it's not viable.
And I'm alone again, with my thoughts and demons.
I am very understanding, and very flexible. But I will no longer allow myself to hurt for someone else. I love Oddity deeply. We are going to have to come to a compromise on this. I intend to speak with him about it this weekend, seriously. I fear it will be agonizing. But nothing comes easy.

I've gotta blog these things. He sent me an email this morning with photos from photobucket.com The first was a smiling sun. The second was a chalkboard with the lyrics to "You Are My Sunshine" scrawled on it... "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, with the things you do, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away." The third was a sun, with the words 'You are (and in the circle of the sun, my) sunshine".
I cried. at work, like a baby.. very happy joyous delighted in awe baby.
so i sent him a few: a little "I Fucking Love You"; a "All I want is to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to the warmth of your body next to mine"; a tiny "I've been waiting for you all my life" and a poem with a lotus flower that states that his love is all i needed; he is the missing part of me.
I'm so blessed.

Again.. music is the key to me. He posted: Afternoon Delights - I used to like that song.

I DREAMED of having sex to that song. That was one of the most overtly sexual songs I had heard, to me. And I wasn't aware it was about sex until much later! And I dream of having afternoon skyrockets with him. oh my goddess.

Then he posted, as a bulletin, the New Order song Leave Me Alone; he heard that song alot the days after his dad died. I had to look up the lyrics, and listened to it time and time again. Oh, the pain.. and what a sensitive, amazing man he was even then. I think I fell more in love with him just today.

Silver Blue, by Roxette: I wrap my arms around your naked shoulders/take cover for the night/And I fade to silver, silver blue for you...

I had a bad night. I was sinking deep into that depressive, defeatist abyss. I scared Oddity. I hope I don't scare him away, but it's going to be difficult if he can't survive those episodes. I'm afraid he'll fall out of love with me. I'm too damaged.

Ah well. That's life. It hurts, but I'm not normal and I'm not sane and you can't have all the funloving wild happy optimistic parts of me without the dark dangerous choppy waters below it. This is what I meant when I said I love the whole person; you are not just the happy parts. You are the dark deep ugly things too. Those things you mask from everyday interactions are still there, under the surface, and when I love someone, I love that too - because without that, you have no depth, no reality, no personality. I hope someone will love me like that too.

I'm damaged, but I'm glorious in my flaws. Love me, even through the dark times. I'm insecure, I'm selfish, I'm impatient. I admire your patience, your ability to keep your soul alive while being trapped. I hate being trapped; I lived 17 years trapped and beaten down. I don't want to live like that. You have no idea what fear and horror living your life the last 9 years would have given me. It would have destroyed me. The longest I've ever lasted in a job is 5 years, and a concatenation of events drove me to a hospital to prevent a suicide attempt.

I don't want to live without love. Perhaps I can survive this just because you love me. But I need to be reassured. It may mean reassurance every day - are you up to that? I feel so much emotion, both negative and positive. It is violent and extreme; I will be a different person on medication. Can you live with that? I was on meds twice; I was not fond of it but the second time, it saved my sanity.

The way I am when we make love - that is my constant state of emotion. I ride them, highs and lows. I feel acutely. I feel everything. This is considered a mental illness only because it can interfere with normal, day to day functioning. I live with this; have done so all my life. Don't let it scare you away, please. You don't have to deal with it directly, but deal with it you may have to, in some way. You can survive my worst, you deserve my best. And my best, hon, you know, is fantastic.

I will not crash and burn this time. I will refocus. Don't abandon me; don't give up. Love me. Tell me you love me every day. I will reciprocate. I will give back with interest all the good and the love and the hope and the strength you can share with me. I can bring you joy as fierce as the tears we may spill together. Love me.

Was looking at pictures of Capt A in Hawaii. I loved him alot; I see his face and still feel the echoes. I loved his face, his eyes; the curve of his lips and the comfort of his arms. I wish I could be for him what he wanted, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTED. I never figured that out. I guess, in his estimation, I was simply not smart enough to figure it out.
He has sparkling, crystal eyes. Such an open, friendly face. Sweet, and loving. But that wasn't enough. Is it me? I certainly wanted more. I wanted fire, and passion. I wanted to be IMPORTANT TO YOU, GODDAMMIT, Capt A. I wanted to be the focal point of your life. I wanted you to make plans and INCLUDE ME IN THEM. But I wasn't important enough. Oh, you did tell me you loved me, that you loved me deeply and greatly. But you making plans to go to Exeter and not include me in some way - keep the home fires burning, or something. Anything other than that I would be a free agent. I wanted to mean enough to you for you NOT TO WANT TO LOSE ME. I wanted to be valuable enough for you to stop and say, No, without you I am not going to make it.
But you will make it, without me. You move on. I'm not worried; just sad. You'll continue being this way, and every woman who falls for you will realize that the only important thought in your head is for you. You're not selfish, you're just not capable of making someone else important in your life. Whomever the bitch who was the root cause of that, I hope she suffers every fucking day. I hate her and I don't even know her.
I hate feeling like this.

When Lord Dragon hurt me, this song for some reason resonated but hurt. Recently, I heard it again, and it reminded me of Oddity AND Capt A. I could imagine Oddity singing the first part to me: State of the Union: Romancing the Stone You've got what I need/and every desire that I crave/you're just what I want/the perfect body, the perfect face/I love who you are/for every move you make for every word you say/for every second that we spend..... (So Oddity put it as his profile song on his MS. I love that man. I really do.) When I'm not around/it's sometimes hard to keep things clear/temptations are high/but for a moment think of me/Cause I'm lost every second without you/and it feels like I'm losing my mind/Keeping true to ourselves through the distance/makes me feel like romancing a stone. (Now I sing it to Oddity, and I've a feeling he sings it to me too.) (This part reminds me of Lord Dragon and of me with Capt. A) How can I leave you? How can I dare to walk away/when you were there in every step/when you were always there for me/How can I do this/when tears are running down your face/when hurt is all you feel inside/and love does not deserve my name..... 'Cause I'm lost every second without you/and it feels like I'm losing my mind/Keeping true to ourselves through the distance/Makes me feel like romancing a stone/But this shadow keeps merging between us/Keeping darkness in my solitude/Giving in to the sin precious darling/Makes me feel like romancing the stone.

That first part? Just thinking that Oddity is singing it to me makes my spine melt. I hope he has a good time tonight; he had a run-in with his boss. I can only trust in my instinct that this all will work out - new jobs, new life, and us together. I am sure of it, I just don't know if I can trust it.

So he came to my house last night. The dogs loved him, of course, those girls are round at the heel from the word go! It was nice to have him there, even with the uncomfortable reality that this is NOT my house.
It's hard to keep my hands off him. And the same goes for him, I think. I wish I could rely/believe my impressions. We ate the dinner I made and talked a bit. I showed him around the house and introduced him, at a distance, to Murgatroyd. He got me a potted African Violet (my love of blue!).
I feel I simply can't get used to holding him. I am acutely aware of the brief periods of time we have to spend together. I want to hold him and never let go. I love to hear his heart beat and his breathing. I love to inhale his scent, Lagerfeld and skin, laundry fresh shirt and the undercurrent of pheromones.
We set out the sleeping area in the living room; no hanky panky - my daughter was awake all night, and anyway, it would have been wierd. But I slept wrapped up in his arms. We talked back and forth, about body aches and desires, the future and our past. My daughter came by in the morning and exclaimed how cute we were all tangled up in each other. We are cute together.
We got dressed, ate cereal for breakfast, and he ended up sticking around for the Social Service lady visit. Parting, ah, such sweet sorrow, bittersweet pleasure and pain. I know it will be at least a year before we are in a position to share our lives in earnest; but oh, I want that now.
I miss you, Oddity, so much, and I just saw you this morning. I feel like a child and a woman with you. I feel alive and cossetted, fierce and sweet, violent and tender (now how's THAT for a reaction?) I want to prove myself to you and there's nothing to prove.
There's a song in spanish by Bebe called 'Siete Horas' (seven hours) that reminds me of the anticipation I feel when I'm going to see you.
"Seven hours, running through the city - seven hours my legs are giving out! seven hours I'm beginning to go backwards - seven hours and I'll will see you again! And I don't know how long I chase that moment thinking about each movement in slow motion and my nostalgia becomes the blood that rises and falls and floods me with desire - I don't want to do a thing, I'm trapped by nervousness I can't take any more, my patience is gone every minute is endless and still there's
seven hours (chorus) I watch the bus schedule and make sure my legs are smooth I stand I sit I can't concentrate I'm so distracted I watch the clock every minute I'm caught and feeling the pinch of time I fear I won't get there in time I check my bags, my clothes my underwear and in a little while I'll be checking you with my mouth."
It sounds better in spanish, very hectic and desperate. It is one of my favorite of the Bebe songs because it captures so well how I feel about seeing you.

I love the heat; he's a summer afternoon in the city. Spare and lean, his face is angled, a little scary. Yet his eyes are soft. They are brown/green wells of old pain and loneliness, but hope and joy shine in their depths. He's never given up. When he wears his facepaint, they are hidden, those eyes of incredible emotion. He barely smiled, but when he smiles, even the shadows dance in the light. He didn't realize how tangible his aura was until people commented on the change. It is palpable, alive, glowing - and now more than ever he shines. His face, so oddly foreboding, breaks into a grin easily. His eyes dance. I love the feel of his face in my hands, his lips on my skin.

Intense, his eyes, his regard, his emotions. It hums off his skin. I've been told I am the live wire in someone's arms, but holding him is like holding a live wire. He trembles and he is strong, hard and soft at the same time. He's so alive, so vivid, so at odds with his shyness. The shyness; the vulnerable sweet little boy inside his wiry frame is so endearing.

Gangly and possessed; an amalgam of youth and age, experience and wonder. I love the white in his goatee; instead of age, it brings out his liveliness. I love his hands; the thought of them touching me leaves me weak and breathless. I love to touch him, to feel him with my hands, my skin; I want to taste him and breath him in. I want his arms around me, his lips on my forehead - I feel safe, loved, whole.

The sound of his voice flows over me, into my head, fills my heart. The sight of him always makes me catch my breath. My eyes sought him out even before I understood why; now, they hunger for his glance. He makes me feel at peace and agitated, calm and crazy. It has always felt right and comfortable, but now the fear is leaving; I feel a little more secure. I always feel that time is against me, but he has waited a long long time - for me. For Me.

I am the value, the light, the factor, the hope. He is my heart, my soul, my love, the breath I take, the warmth of the sun, the beauty in the day. He is the missing part of my soul. I am his completion. We belong to each other, by each other, with each other, for each other.