Was looking at pictures of Capt A in Hawaii. I loved him alot; I see his face and still feel the echoes. I loved his face, his eyes; the curve of his lips and the comfort of his arms. I wish I could be for him what he wanted, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTED. I never figured that out. I guess, in his estimation, I was simply not smart enough to figure it out.
He has sparkling, crystal eyes. Such an open, friendly face. Sweet, and loving. But that wasn't enough. Is it me? I certainly wanted more. I wanted fire, and passion. I wanted to be IMPORTANT TO YOU, GODDAMMIT, Capt A. I wanted to be the focal point of your life. I wanted you to make plans and INCLUDE ME IN THEM. But I wasn't important enough. Oh, you did tell me you loved me, that you loved me deeply and greatly. But you making plans to go to Exeter and not include me in some way - keep the home fires burning, or something. Anything other than that I would be a free agent. I wanted to mean enough to you for you NOT TO WANT TO LOSE ME. I wanted to be valuable enough for you to stop and say, No, without you I am not going to make it.
But you will make it, without me. You move on. I'm not worried; just sad. You'll continue being this way, and every woman who falls for you will realize that the only important thought in your head is for you. You're not selfish, you're just not capable of making someone else important in your life. Whomever the bitch who was the root cause of that, I hope she suffers every fucking day. I hate her and I don't even know her.
I hate feeling like this.