I had a bad night. I was sinking deep into that depressive, defeatist abyss. I scared Oddity. I hope I don't scare him away, but it's going to be difficult if he can't survive those episodes. I'm afraid he'll fall out of love with me. I'm too damaged.

Ah well. That's life. It hurts, but I'm not normal and I'm not sane and you can't have all the funloving wild happy optimistic parts of me without the dark dangerous choppy waters below it. This is what I meant when I said I love the whole person; you are not just the happy parts. You are the dark deep ugly things too. Those things you mask from everyday interactions are still there, under the surface, and when I love someone, I love that too - because without that, you have no depth, no reality, no personality. I hope someone will love me like that too.

I'm damaged, but I'm glorious in my flaws. Love me, even through the dark times. I'm insecure, I'm selfish, I'm impatient. I admire your patience, your ability to keep your soul alive while being trapped. I hate being trapped; I lived 17 years trapped and beaten down. I don't want to live like that. You have no idea what fear and horror living your life the last 9 years would have given me. It would have destroyed me. The longest I've ever lasted in a job is 5 years, and a concatenation of events drove me to a hospital to prevent a suicide attempt.

I don't want to live without love. Perhaps I can survive this just because you love me. But I need to be reassured. It may mean reassurance every day - are you up to that? I feel so much emotion, both negative and positive. It is violent and extreme; I will be a different person on medication. Can you live with that? I was on meds twice; I was not fond of it but the second time, it saved my sanity.

The way I am when we make love - that is my constant state of emotion. I ride them, highs and lows. I feel acutely. I feel everything. This is considered a mental illness only because it can interfere with normal, day to day functioning. I live with this; have done so all my life. Don't let it scare you away, please. You don't have to deal with it directly, but deal with it you may have to, in some way. You can survive my worst, you deserve my best. And my best, hon, you know, is fantastic.

I will not crash and burn this time. I will refocus. Don't abandon me; don't give up. Love me. Tell me you love me every day. I will reciprocate. I will give back with interest all the good and the love and the hope and the strength you can share with me. I can bring you joy as fierce as the tears we may spill together. Love me.