So, last night, I IM'd about applying to the Baltimore Teaching Residency. I finally see how this could have set someone off - 'residency' could mean having to live in Baltimore, and that's more than an hour away from home (home is where your heart is, and my heart is in Lancaster). This stressed Oddity out. I did not think it was stressworthy until I realized how it sounded to someone who'd never heard of the program. Capt A is a teacher in Baltimore through this program, but he's never lived and will never live in Baltimore. I am of the same mind. I can't accept that job offer if it happens and I haven't got my driver's license yet. But Oddity didn't know that.
So I do understand, now, why he stressed. BUT. He's told me many a time to rely on our love. So why didn't he then? I would not do something to keep us apart. And, then he states that IM should be for light stuff, general talk, joking. The application to Balti was general talk, as far as I was concerned (again, I acknowledge the misunderstanding). However, I need to point out a few things.
IM is the only way we can communicate during the week. We live still too far from each other to actually have face to face conversations. We have so much to catch up on during the short weekends we do have together that leaving serious talk for then is illogical. And, I listen to him when he needs to vent.
Evenings have always been hard on me; I've known a measure of peace while I was with Capt A but echoes of the trauma of youth still abound, especially now when I spend them alone and worried about finances and my children. My outlet is speaking to Oddity in the evenings for the 1-2 hours past my bedtime. But if what I say stresses him out, then it's not viable.
And I'm alone again, with my thoughts and demons.
I am very understanding, and very flexible. But I will no longer allow myself to hurt for someone else. I love Oddity deeply. We are going to have to come to a compromise on this. I intend to speak with him about it this weekend, seriously. I fear it will be agonizing. But nothing comes easy.