It's kind of frightening to see things that aren't there. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens alot more than I tell people. It's usually peripheral vision or glances where I catch things moving or just there and when I look back, it's not there or there's no movement. I know what it is; it's just misinterpretation of the visual field context in my brain. It doesn't help that I have one of those impressionable and highly fertile minds....

Under stress or high emotion, or when I've not been able to sleep/rest/eat right, I see these disturbances more. I try very hard to keep within the parameters of what will prevent me from those types of things, along with the manic/panic episodes and the whole 'hearing voices' thing.

People simply do not realize how much stress any kind of interaction is on me. Even talking to my own kids can be overly taxing. Hanging out with friends, while enjoyable, engenders panic for some reason and extended contact tends to trigger all the wierd stuff I try to avoid.

There's a reason I loved books and dancing by myself. :) I know some of the reasons for the triggers: for instance, I love to roleplay, but I was given a set of ethos that work is the most important thing to do and such forms of relaxation are unacceptable. Yet, I can't bear working ALL THE TIME; it also triggers all the bad stuff. The conflict is handled by meditation and analysis of why it bothers me one way or the other, and working out soem sort of balance while reconciling the underlying causation. Letting go and giving up - just internal mechanisms to deal with the conflicts - are tools I use alot.

But I have to be by myself, and it is very hard on me to interact socially for any length of time. So when I withdraw, please respect my need for personal space and inner harmony; I really hate seeing things move and hearing things just outside my actual perception, and I abhor my manic/panic episodes (very destructive).

Life is beautiful. Hey, shit happens. Into every garden, snow and rain and hail must fall. Things die and new life come forth, based on the fertile ground littered with the dead.

My children are grown. I can't believe all that time has passed. And yet, there are and will always be my children, my babies. I spoke to my son today (I can't stay angry at my kids) and found he is still ... well, he has transformer figures and G.I.Joe figures and creates combat scenarios (I did similar with my dolls for many years - yes, combat. I didn't play dressup! I was a MERC!) My mother thinks he's trying to relive his childhood....

My youngest is learning things slowly, but she is learning. My eldest is marvelous. My granddaughter is still trapped by my parents' fanaticism, but we all had to go through that, and the challenge is to emerge stronger from such an experience.

I am still looking for work. Classwork is HARD; it requires more work and thinking and time and energy than I expect to be able to produce good work. I have to reevaluate my time spending and see what I can do to focus on remaining..

ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIST, which is keeping your GPA at 3.96 or above. I hope I don't flub it with this semester - OMG is legal research tough!

I am still working; just not in the city I want to be in. All that is an upward climb and I don't kid myself; it's going to be rough. It will also be worth it. I'll be selfsufficient, finally, and somewhere I feel I belong.

I am going to be with Oddity. That alone makes my insides quiver with joy. We are going to be together on vacation - A VACATION!!!! avemaria, so long I've not had one, and with someone I love??? it is frightening how completely thrown I am by this whole thing. I can't believe it's happening!

Life is sweet, but I see others not have it like that. I wish I could tell them to just be open to life, even the harsh, painful parts. Let it flow through and let it become a stronger you. Do not dwell (well, mourn a bit, then move on).

I have Oddity. It's real. We can work to make it last the test of time. I can do this.

I am happy.