Oddity went out with her last night. There may have been other nights she's gone out with him. They're just hanging, but I know she's clingy. He doesn't mind, it seems, unless I'm the one being clingy to someone else. Then he is bothered by this.

I'm doing what he said he'd do. I'm not going to stick around and get hurt again. I'm going to be me; I curtailed my actions so that I would hurt him, but he's not taking my feelings seriously. I'm going to be who I am. He don't like it, he also has to make concessions to stay with me.

I've had enough of people walking over my feelings and not paying attention to my emotions. Fuck you all. I'm out for me.

I did mention that I'm Capt A's best friend. Well, he calls me up - "got a minute?" yea. I always try to for him.

He decided to drive all of Queen Streed from YCP (the college!) to Dallastown. He passed by a General Rental place and remembered/thought about a chick he met/almost kinda dated that lived in the trailer park area behind that location. He heads out to the mall.... and sees the chick. In the flesh.

He'd not thought of this person or even touched upon that memory for years. YEARS. I'd never heard of this female or the story behind it/her. So you can imagine how freaked out he was over this incident. I think it's spectacularly WIERD. What the hell?

He says things like this have been happening to him lately. Jung's Synchroncity book explains that we humans HAVE to see some sort of pattern or sequence in what happens to us. Still, THIS WAS WIERD.

Capt A had a secret; he was practicing guitar. He didn't want his brother knowing. He almost showed his brother's wife, but he wanted to show his brother first. Well, she managed to wheedle it out of me - and told Capt A's brother. He came over last night and told Capt A that -I- was the person who spilled the beans.

Capt A will never trust me with a secret again. Thanks a whole fucking lot, people. I will NEVER tell you another goddamn thing again. I'm his BEST FUCKING FRIEND, just like I was the BEST FUCKING girlfriend he'll ever have. Thanks for undermining that.

I felt so bad I didn't go out last night. Just felt shitty. Of course, this cascades into feeling scared about how Oddity feels about me - he got a comment from someone about how glad she was he hung out with her and how handsome he was. I worked HARD last night not to read anything into that. So stupid, this insecurity.

I'm losing myself. I can fall in love with someone so much that I forget who I am. I'm not bar person, I'm not one musical genre person - I'm not driving person I'm not simply faceted. I'm eclectic and not mainstream and would rather dance or walk than sit in a car or drink. I AM affectionate and expect it in return. I am supportive and I will run with whatever my partner wants.

I hope he appreciates that.

Today, I had the pins and needles in my fingers again. This is NOT a nerve condition. This is directly due to the cold in this office. Or, more factually, to the lack of whatever it is that prevents my body from staying warm. The job can't be responsible for one person's adverse reaction to air conditioning. But what the hell am I going to do? First thing is I'm buying a pair of fingerless long gloves to wear in the office until the temperatures even out. I have the heater on at low under my desk, saving my poor toes (already clad in thick socks and boots, mind you) and body from hurting due to the cold.

I haven't listened to my mp3 all week. Well, today's only Wednesday, but still. Monday at work my fingers and toes got pins and needles/numbness. I think it's the cold. I don't like air conditioning and now the weather's heading into fall. If I were more active at work, it wouldn't bother me so much. But I sit and now I'm in constant pain.

The Governor of PA just placed a hiring freeze on all government jobs. That spells bad news for myself and Oddity. I asked for some OT and it's not been approved. I'm stuck. I don't think I've ever been in this sort of situation before.

I need to turn on my heater. I have no options at the moment. I don't want to go to NY and I want to see my youngest. I need glasses. It's all a mess.

Wow. Merrill Lynch is dead. So is Lehman Brothers. Bear Stearns also disappeared. Is Goldman Sachs still viable? It's like the financial giants of my youth are tumbling. Nothing lasts forever.

Had a fantastic weekend with Oddity. I like cuddling with him. And we did have the conversation about my unfortunate suspicions. I know he's not that kind of person. But as far as I know, nor was Lord Dragon.

He's set in his ways, but he's willing to change - so long as the changes are motivated by HIS choice. No one can make him change, neither his mind or his habits. This may be interesting in the long run.

I want a job in Lancaster that pays rent, and then I have to find an apartment that allows me my dog. I know more than likely that I will only afford (or will be shunted to) the low-income 'hispanic' sector. I wish I could just change my name. I should, already, change it to just my middle name, the way I feature myself online.

I drove Sunday in Capt A's car. I hit an S turn (hairpin) too fast (have to learn the brakes) and my turning was slow (Capt A had to turn for me!) Poor man almost had a coronary.

My hip still hurts - I'm confused as to why it doesn't hurt when I dance but hurts when I sit for any length of time. Piriformis muscle and it's called Piriformis Syndrome.

The club night I've been faithful to and where I met Oddity and Temptation at is on indefinite hiatus until a new location is found. Everyone that can will pitch in to find a place. We're a great crowd; we just dont spend money. I hope that matters, somehow, in the right way.