not an epiphany
Every time I decide to be introspective, I find a new thing to be thankful for and amazed at. Two nights ago, I realized I do not dread going home. I don't fear it. I don't find excuses not to go home. I don't go to anyone else's house - in fact, while I love being at Ray's, I'd rather be home, where my friends and my dog are. I'd rather see Shawna and Davey and Danny and Guy and Mike and Cutty and my Shadow than be outside or in the park or doing extra hours at work or anything else. I am comfortable. My home is comfortable. It is safe. It is welcoming, and while cold in the winter, it's mine. I have my oasis of peace and my geekfest, books and computer, food and friends. I cannot emphasize how comfortable I feel. I wonder if this is one of the factors in why menopause isn't truly kicking my ass as it has to so many other women I have known. Or why I feel healthier despite my food sensitivities and IBS and TILT. I have a solid boyfriend; he's difficult but loyal, sweet and pissy, hardworking and a tad selfish. No matter where he is, he's mine; no matter where I am, I'm his. I feel like I have nothing to fear, for the first time in my life. This could also be the age I'm at - late 40s, content, hormones not fucking with my head, my mental illness no longer manifesting because my stress levels all live in NY.... Yea, I'm happy. And extremely grateful.