You know, every day, shit happens. What makes a difference isn't that shit happens, but how you deal with it.
Sometimes I get depressed. most of it is chemical - in other words, no real reason behind it. Though I must say that there are very good reasons, in my life, to be depressed. It's just not worth it.
What I do get is Manic; however, I can and have been working around it - and at least, lately, I've not let it send me into a spiral of self-destruction.
I feel very vividly. Some things trigger a hatred in me so profound I could kill. The only other thing that makes me feel like killing is jealousy. I'm proud to say that I've managed to talk myself out of the worse of that!
I'm going to sound like Oddity now. 2007 I graduated and found out about Shadowland Lancaster. I went a couple of times but since I can't drive, didn't have with whom to ride. I didn't know enough of the kinds of people who liked this stuff.
Then I became closer with someone that others told me wasn't so great. She turned out to be abso-perfect-fabulous. I consider her a best friend. We enjoyed SL. Then when she couldn't go, I got lucky and Temptation offered to take me to SL.
It was at this point that I realized my feelings for Capt A were fading. How? Why? I suspect that once I returned to what I loved - dancing and cavorting - that what I had with him couldn't last.
It was there that I saw someone as if from my past - mohawked and outrageous, this young man was reticent yet the center of attention. At one point he asked how I had so much energy. I tend to brag about my age and then he told me he was.. two years older than I.
I didn't know it then, but that was the first wall that came down in my heart. The rest was more subtle. The conversation about 'One More Time' by The Cure - a song I treasured - and he loves The Cure. The fact that he didn't shy away from being so noticeable, despite his shyness. He seemed so vulnerable, so sweet and fierce.
It was easy to be around him. And yet, I wanted to protect him. The night I wanted to kiss him and didn't, I knew I was doomed.
Breaking up with Captn A was horrible. I had fully fixed a future with this wonderful man, and now I was destroying it with hurtful words: I don't love you anymore. It was terrible. I was doing the hurting, me.
The day I kissed Oddity, I knew that there was no going back. I had found the other part of me. It felt and still feels so right. I was whole and where I belonged, when I was next to him. My heart lived in his chest, and his in mine. AND HE FREELY ADMITTED IT.
I was floored by his reactions. He loved me. I was his world, too. I am his world. And it doesn't feel like a dream anymore. It's real. We have had our fights, our disagreeemnts; he can be petulantly stubborn and I am a yeller. I an very calm yet when I blow up, I blow up. I cry easily, but ... so does he. And for someone who hasn't been in such an intimate relationship for so long, it isn't easy to connect in the way we are connecting.
I am moving heaven and earth to be near him. I've lots to overcome - lack of driving, lack of organization, a terrible tendency to packratedness, and a host of other sins that need to be quietly addressed.
Even when I'm so angry at him I could hit him (I am regrettably violentminded) I want to touch him softly and caress him and watch his eyes change.
I always saw his eyes. They were proud and scared, strong and soft, fierce and shy, inquisitive and bold. I loved his smile and moreso what was behind that smile. I love to hear him laugh. I love to hear him talk. I love to watch him move, walk, drive, interact, be silly. Sometimes I get hit by random memories of him or of his scent, or I hear his voice, and I can feel my knees get weak and my heart go nuts.
I wonder sometimes how it will be later down the line of our years. There are so many challenges yet we have to face. I hope we're up to it. I would like my last sight on this earth be his face, lined, aged, crotchety, but mine. My love, my heart, my soul.
Tuesday
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