Monday

It took a while. But I did it. Last night he rolled over and asked me 'Why don't you like me anymore?'. I said 'I like you well enough; I just don't love you anymore.'

I wanted to retract those words. Perhaps the night before the start of the work week was not the right time. But as it usually is with Capt A, it was the only time I was going to be heard.

I broke the heart of a man that's good and true and loved me. But I won't lead him on, and I'd be lying to myself if I thought I could just hang on a little more. I've completely screwed myself; I've no driving skills, no money, no place to go. I've friends at least and I will never return to NY.

He said, if what it took was to get my wedding ring and marry me tomorrow, he'd do it. He didn't want to lose me. What I had dreamed of, that he would ask me in front of his friends at the Summer Extravaganza to marry me, he said would have happened this year.

But so much changed this year. He asked me if my going out dancing with those guys - Mohawk Guy and Wierd Eyes - had anything to do with it. Only in that I got the attention and the reinforcement of my ego that I had wanted from him.

No matter what happens, Capt A is, was and will always be the best man I've ever been with. No one has ever done what he's done for me. My karmic debt is going to be killer for this. I start paying it today.

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