It is the first time in years that I have felt like this, as if I couldnt face the day. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to deal with the sorrow, the fear, the pain, the horror of my grandson in the custody of children services. There is no reason or rhyme, no need for this to be happening to my daughter.

Between that and the cancer that was found in my sister in law; with that and the festering stupidity of my father and my brother in this case; that and the fear of losing my son as well; that and this horrible job with the catty backbiting bitches from hell; all I want to do is run away. or die. I know what my mother feels.

Oh My God sometimes I hate my family. Today my mother calls me; she sent 200 to my daughter to get a baby carriage, because ACS is threatening to take my new grandson away from his mother for whatever reason and my daughter flaked out. SHE JUST GAVE BIRTH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! WHY THE FUCK IS ACS HARRASSING HER??? So this wiped my mom's money out. Meanwhile, Dad is being an asshole to my mom; my brother is a fucking jerk to everyone, his poor wonderful wife is constantly in tears over his shit and SHE has cancer!!! WTF is wrong with the men in my family??? We haven't even GOTTEN to my son and his assholery.....

My mother was in tears today. Sobbing on the phone wishing she were dead to escape this hell. I am thinking of giving up my life in Lancaster to go to my youngest daughter and help her with her son; anything not to lose my grandson. I hate ACS and all government children service agencies. And my own boyfriend doesn't or cannot understand this, and struggles to just say one nice thing....

And the roof is leaking at Capt A's, and I can't help but blame myself for leaving. My dog needs me and I cna't be with her. or with my daughter. or with my granddaughter - unless I give up trying to live a normal life.

I know what my mother is feeling, and she's feeling 100x worse than I am. I know there's something I can do, but it does mean giving up living a normal life. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.

My sister in law - the cool one, the good one, the one that loves me, the one my granddaughter calls mommy - has breast cancer. My youngest brother's wife. How is it that this person, who is so full of love and goodness, gets cancer, and the rest of us unrepentant dangerous living sinners get nothing?? WTF?

Mom calls it 'life bombs', when things happen that shake our world.

Teribaby's due to give birth any day between now and Oct 6. Her 'husband' wants me to stay over but I have a job. Love the job. Want to keep it. But I will see her and he in a week's time.

And then I'll visit my family in NY. Ebo's doing fine, with Kenny and Ivy. I can't wait to sit with Ivy and talk with her! Visit with my son and meet his older woman girlfriend, and try to convince the man he's becoming to avoid the street more... sigh.

My roommate is way freaking cool. She and I are much more alike than I thought.

My BFF Gypsy makes me happy. My BFF Bean and her life is.. I can't NOT like it... though it is very convoluted!

And my RayZOR... how I wish he's just STOP BEING so tetchy and crotchety... LOL but it's comforting even as it annoys me. Wierd.

I know a few people who are single who are loveable, but who's characters/personalities make it difficult. And sometimes I think they don't give someone a chance to come in for whatever reasons. I hope they find who will truly appreciate them.

I look like my mom more and more.

How unfair that all my mom's memories and experiences die with her. All that she was is unknown to her kids.

We all live within a vacuum - our experiences and how they mark, shape and affect us are all trapped within us. Many try to write it out but... how can anyone know?

Do I want to know what my mother's experiences and life was/is like? Yes. I wish we didn't lose the breadth and richness of experience of our ancestors when they passed on. I know my children only know part of me... they will not know all of what I have experienced and learned. I wish I could know my mom's life before me. I wish I could know my daughters' lives... I wish they could know mine.

Fearful, now,. Truly. A friend lost the job he just acquired. Jobs are scarce, and I see all the possible signs to a great depression, globally. What happened? Why can't we dig out of this? Why did I ever have kids, to have to suffer through this? I do not want to fall into despair. I have to hope we can survive.

I write this here, because I have no one else to blame but myself, and I'm not going to ask for anyone's help.

The money I had set aside for rent, I sent to make sure my son wasn't killed. I now have nothing to pay for rent, and it is due this weekend. I also haven't got the payment for my insurance, and it is due this weekend.

Should I not have paid off my son's drug debt? Probably not, but I couldn't live with myself thinking he'd be shot or beat to death. Should I have made a greater effort to find work between April 19th and May 6th? considering that I did everything I could except get a low paying job in a restaurant, I think I did the best I could, especially since the Census office here wanted me available - but I do wish they had taken me on immediately after the QACs closed on April 19th.

I may have to wait three weeks for my first paycheck, or it may come on the 18th. By then, I am thinking I will have a couple of overcharges to my account. Of course, I can call the gym in the AM and have them hold my account for a month, but I don't know if I'm in time. I can also 'claim' my card missing, but really, I'm not a good liar like that.

I will call the insurance company in the am and the gym and see what I can do. I can, perhaps, also call my bank to see if any new charges can be held until the 18th, and find out from the Census Bureau when my new pay starts. But since I got paid the 19th on May 4th, I don't hold out much hope.

Dammit all to hell.

I have the creepy crawlies. I don't know if it's fleas (but I see/find none), bed bugs (no indication AT ALL and I'm actively searching), head lice (no sign), allergic reaction to my own hair/my dog's hair (could be, it's turning into spring and any of my allergies pounce about now) or just stress (the combination of stress-induced allergies is loads of fun).

I can physically feel the things crawling on my skin and there's nothing there. Sometimes it's under my skin. Like littler critters, wriggling along. GAH! Hate this. Called it ghostbugs too.

I'm moving. I've alot of cleanup to do prior. and I've not gotten to any of it yet. The job is stressing me out - the one I have now and the future lack of one. My phone's dead thanks to my forgetting the charger at Oddity's. so I've not heard from my kids and THAT's stressing me out.

Capt A's phone is dead too. His birthday's today. I can't make it to the dinner 'cause I have to work. GRRRRRRRRR.

So, new life changes.

I'm moving finally to Lancaster. I'm moving in with a friend and still rather desperately looking for work. I forgot my charger at Oddity's and I NEED my phone to be working for any job calls!!! so dumb somtimes.

I have to get rid (not reduce - rid!) myself of all my clutter. I want to learn french so bad I can taste it but I can't seem to devote the time needed to learn it on my own. I have a movie to watch that I just can't sit still long enough to watch - and it's something I WANT to watch! My last week of work is next week and the clutter on my desk is never-ending....

I love Oddity. Let me state for the record that the only reason I'm NOT moving in with him is that we can't, yet, co-abide. I have to learn to declutter, and he has to accept a little less space. We have things to work out. And I want to provide a space for my youngest to come up so I can help her with her pregnancy and baby - can't do that living with my friend or with Ray. It's going to get hairy.

But that's okay.

and Oddity writes on his Myspace:

" Marching forward
Current mood: loved
March 1st.

I'm excited.

First, an excerpt from Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards

" just because you're going forward..does'nt mean i'm going backwards! "

Kicking off the month this weekend with Shadowland. Love it !!
The big news, my girlfriend of 1 year and 10 months is finally making the move from york PA to Lancaster PA. We will be living only about 5 minutes apart, deciding it was best not to live together right from the start. We are mostly adjusted to each other but still learning. I have been on my own for 21 of the past 24 years.

We are different in the way we live at home, but nothing dramatic. She is a morning person, i am not. I like space when i first get home from work. I like my place clean and organized. Nerva is making several sacrifices to be with me and i know it will be hard at first. I will do anything i can to make her transition as comfy as i can.

But we will finally be closer together, free from the shackles of not seeing each other during the week. For the first time in my life i have found my other half. Someone who gets me and loves me despite my weaknesses. I am very lucky and i feel this is special. I never really knew exactly what love is, but this feels right. It is a wonderful feeling and i have waited a long time. Wish us luck !! "

oh gods, I love this man. I love him in all his moods, in all his rants and meltdowns and joy and strangeness. I am happy to wait, but we will be one. He makes me so happy.

I'm excited.

my youngest daughter is pregnant. my son is fighting against heroin. my first son-in-law is going to jail for defending himself. my eldest is working fulltime AND fulltime school. my granddaughters sounds far too old.

and oddity writes:

"Thinking of you
It's heaven and blue
My heart beats
Wherever you are.
Does'nt matter
If it's near or far
This is my destiny
This is my love.
With you
I am complete."

wow.

the things I see:

An angry squirrel (Foamy?) in the water and dust marks on the silver lid of the trashcan in the bathroom. He's looking straight at me.

a face in the carpeting of my floor - it's a stick figure, really, oval head, one large straight thick dash for one eye, a thinner dash for the other, and it's glaring at me.

faces in the wall of the bathroom
eyes on the walls of the bedroom
eyes in the foam of the soap while I'm washing

things move when I'm not watching them directly.

The marks on the walls vibrate and 'speak'

I can hear the things in the walls everywhere I go. but they're not the rats or mice or stuff.

Funny thing is that the stuff others would be afraid of - the plush bats and spiders and the bloody handprints and fake spiders I have all over my room - they don't move, or talk, or make faces, or anything. They are inert. It's the stuff that is normal that my brain warps.

oh oh oh he called me his soulmate. I am his soulmate. He is mine.

Tuesday I had an anxiety attack. the biggest thing was this inability to make a decision and I could not sit still to save my life, but I could NOT walk out the door. Stayed home. Hope it doesn't increase.

Leaving the job either feb 28 or 3/15. I should do it 3/15. but I gave myself the weekend to think about it. I scheduled for a census test on Saturday and now I want to stay and work at my job... drat it all!!!

my friend invited me to dreamation but it's so close to NY, so far from here. and I want to dance.

and all the things, and worlds, and voices, and eyes, inside me clamour for my attention.