This is hysterical and not at all funny. I am having waves of anxiety attacks (fear, sweats, shakes, tears, cloudy thinking, feeling ill, lightheaded, brief headaches) over going to NY. I went home from work (which should have distracted me) because I was shaking and feared dropping another glass or getting in someone's way. I could not think straight. I still can't, and I'm in my own home. What the hell?

I can think of a few reasons: One, I am here in my comfort zone. I hated NYC and my life there (PTSD?) and even visiting is stressful. Two, I hate having my routine disrupted (spending five - six days away from my house, my room, my dog...). Three, Traveling with someone else (Oddity is every bit as stressful as my dad when traveling). Four, it's cold. I want to see VNV nation; I WANT to see my grandchildren. I miss my parents. I want to see Abuelita Yia. My daughters want to see me; my son needs me.

And I want to turn tail and run into my room, under my bed and not come out at all. AT ALL. I want to just go to work and go home and stay home and stay here. This is not the mature, considered actions of a grown woman; this is outright fear in the mind and body of a menopausal bipolar woman.

I'm hoping I don't make this any worse than it has to be; I hope I don't stress Oddity out or my parents or my kids. But it feels like the entire thing (not even started) is killing me.

Edit: yep, seems it's PTSD.. and it figures. NY has been the scene of the worst of my life and the whole 9/11 thing adds to the crappiness. Stands to reason that since I spent 40 yrs of my life there, I'll feel such an aversion to returning. I've not suffered any terrible thing in the two other cities I've lived in. I just have to survive this and be happy I'm seeing my grandchildren.

Again, lots of upheavals. Purcell died in NYC, in his sleep. I've known him for almost 20 years. Chris Alvarado passed away in a hospital, of colon cancer. I've known him for almost 20 years. It feels like I'm on a collision course with mortality...

Moved from Thorne's to Gypsy's house. I've tons more room and want to be rid of most of my stuff; wish I could just can the whole thing but there are things I do need.

My kids are in upheaval too; the house where Ebo has an apartment has been sold, her dad was sleeping over and he's back on Pot (damn him!!! shit, I had hoped he was done with pot smoking!) and disrespecting my daughter's house rules about smoking in the house... my son is trying to make his job work and I think has a girlfriend - that is, she seems to be, and I'm hoping she can see past his problems. And Teri had to move out of the apartment she was in, things were stored in NY, she is in a room without her child, who is at her sister in law's house.

My parents are aging, my grandmama - Yia, the last of them - is dying, my aunt Hilda and my uncle Lile both died this year.

And my job ends 9/30/11. I am a wee bit scared.

Oh, yea and I have full blown IBS. EVERY FUCKING THING I EAT makes me sick.. okay, not everything, but many things supposedly good for your health will make me miserable and prevent my body from absorbing necessary nutrients.... Well, at least I know what it is now and can work with it.

I know I'm exhausted, and I know I'm scared shitless about driving, and I know I'm feeling sad over Oddity and his inability to show basic human kindness to me. I know I should not have taken Alleve (1x/12 hrs for last 36 hrs) because for some reason painkillers seem to lend themselves to enhance my hallucinations.

There was a crackle then a loud 'pop' in the room just about 20 minutes ago. I screamed and now I can't sleep. I keep seeing shadows flit (in full light, all five of them) over everything in my room, either smokey or foggy or just shadowy. I know most of what I am hearing is the house settling for the night, but it is taking on a more sinister meaning. I don't want to hear the voices. I hate the whispering from the walls.

Who do I call when no one seems to believe this happens to me? I'm grown and I don't need this happening now. I'm scared and crying and really feel hopeless because this is from inside me and I can't stop it. I'm so tired....

Behind me, it sounds like something is moving. Behind me is the shelved closet, and I know, objectively, it is just a settling noise. Or perhaps squirrels in the walls between the houses. But it is making the hairs stand on end up and down my back.

You know what? I think there IS something in the wall. I wish they kept human sleep hours...

20 minutes after that post, I began to feel horribly ill. nauseous, dizzy, hot and cold and ran to the bathroom after drinking water. No vomit though (I strive mightily to never ever throw up). And after about 8 oz of water and the expelling of gas instead of vomit (I don't burp, I don't know why) I am feeling more settled and less ... how shall I say it? I feel more rooted in reality. Will have to suffer pain,'cause it seems painkillers and I do not get along. sheesh. I can sleep now. The walls have returned to normal and there is no longe any smoky shadows flickering. Hrm....