Moments:

Crossing the street at Mt Rose, did I wait? I don't remember. I noted the pretty blue color of the car coming up, and I ran across, and then it occurred to me that I was going to get hit - the car did speed up a bit, did not see me. I felt the impact, felt my face slam into something, I spun, saw sky. Realized that I had made a full revolution. I landed. I don't think the impact itself registered from the shock. Just that I had got hit and rolled over the car; it had not stopped short. I was both feeling awfully sorry for myself for 2 seconds and hugely guilty for the horror the driver would be feeling. I checked my body with my senses; there was pain but more than anything just shock at the impact and resignation at the incident. It happened. I had to flow with it. Suddenly a woman with large sunglasses came up; I realize she had been crying out, "Oh my god, someone call 911" and to me, "are you okay?" I answered, realized that I was shaking uncontrollably. I asked for my bag and explained it was my daughter's xmas present. I told someone to take my phone from my pocket and call Capt A. I noted that some guy was calling 911. Other people came round. So did the driver. Oh the guilt I felt! She was crying, I think and I asked to take her hand and apologized. The lady with the glasses was joined by an off duty emt lady and I asked her to please raise my knees, that my back was in alot of pain, even though my knees hurt. The muscles of my legs were spasming as was my lower back. Perhaps it was all my back; I was shivering too hard to really tell. but as soon as my knees came up, my back relaxed. I was coherent and alert throughout it all - but I was shaking like if I was convulsing.

I broke my hip at the pubic bone, the rarest of breaks and easily the hardest to do. The safest, to boot; most injuries of the hip are pretty catastrophic when breakage is involved.

Memories:

Needing to pee soooo bad that the xray techs joked about how visible it was. And then, finally, giving in (no one was going to let me off that board until they were sure I hadn't broken my back in some way, which I hadn't, or damaged my hips worse). I got the bed pan, arched my back (so much for broken back and hips...) and with my shoulders STILL ON THAT BOARD, sat on the bedpan and PEED for like an eternity. OMG WHAT A RELIEF.

In that four hour period, I had to do that once more.. rivers, man. rivers.

My eldest crying hysterically on the phone (I can't listen to my kids cry without falling apart.) Fearing that my youngest would fall apart. Hearing my son's voice crack with tears on the phone. I'm fine, guys. Your mom is made of rubber and steel. I was fine until my kids called me.

Capt A being there, patient, understanding, communicating with Oddity and my parents. I wish it could have worked with him. Oddity has my heart.

After four hours in the hospital strapped to that fucking board, I got home in terrible pain. But I could deal with it. I tried to dance. RIGHT. Wall Of Fail. Yes, RIGHT AFTER GETTING HOME. Moving to music is like breathing. well, not right now though!

Realizing the oxycodone was giving me dizzy spells.

Realizing that I was deathly dizzy all the time by Thursday night. Especially while I was trying to satisfy my oral fixations. NOT a pleasant trip at all. Will NEVER take codeine again.

Memory:

Oddity tells me he will come home with a surprise. He comes home wearing nothing but his coat. The thought makes me tingle and dance in so many places. I love that man.

Memory: Xmas morning wrapping his arms around me. Meeting his brother for the first time (with a black eye!!!) His being so kind and far too aggravatingly protective.

Memory: falling asleep in his arms. always.

Memory: Realizing there was no more intense pain from my hip!

So... I got hit by a car Sunday, 12/21, at about 4:20pm at Mt. Rose & Haines. I.. well... I ran into the turn lane thinking the car woudl see me. when I realized impact was imminent, I realized the driver had not seen me.

Ouch.

I rolled over the passenger side and landed with my feet on the curb I was trying to reach, but the rest of me was on the road. People stopped and took care of me. I was shaking alot, both from cold and shock. But I was lucid and coherent.

I had someone call Capt A. He was closer and more familiar with everything. It hurt Oddity a little, but he's an adult and knows the situation. Capt A is pretty damn wonderful in his own right. After all the xrays and CATscans et al, he sat with me in the trauma center while the results were being processed. At one point, he got up to go to eat something, and the nurse said it was obvious he was still very much in love with me.

Ouch.

Oddity came by to see me last night and I know as much as I still feel for Capt A, I want to be with Oddity. Capt A and I get along on sooooo many things and we fit so many ways well together. But Oddity really feels like my other half. I feel we complement each other.

Not to mention I love him to death and am powerfully attracted to him even when I disagree with him.

I feel more appreciated with Oddity, for some reason. Like everything I do means something to him, directly, emotionally. I feel more connected to him. I want to be on my own to show that I can be, and to make him feel a little more secure about me.

One thing I definitely am learning out here - you HAVE to be able to fend for yourself. NYC, I didn't choose well. Out here, you're not the only one choosing.

I need to drive. I hope that my driving test is not an utter failure.

Off to soak in epson salts. Oh, car accident: broke the right side of my pubic bone and putative fracture of one of the thoracic vertabrae, and my face looks like a southpaw took a swing. Out of work for three days - lost all taht OT! - at doctor's orders.

But I essentially 'walked away' from this one. I don't want to do this again. It was frightening.

Too much emotion. I love Oddity pretty well nuts. I wish my kids would get it together. I wish I could help Capt A more. I want a new job. whine whine bitch moan rant rave wah wah.

I want to be with Oddity pretty badly. Reinitiating job searches, but we all know the truth of the matter is that until the economy turns, I'm stuck. and I have to learn to drive no matter what. something's gonna have to give.

rats.

I love him. Oddity is perfect.

Okay, there are and will always be issues. We are learning about each other and he's got his issues with me - my nondriving, my needy kids, my physical distance, my spanish. I have a few too - his surliness when he's had a little too much to drink, his inability to just accept.

I inadvertently hurt him by leaving Sunday morning without attempting to wake him up. I did, but I did not want him to bitch or rant - even if it wasn't at me, I couldn't deal with it after the last two drunk surly sorties. But I hate myself for making him cry. Gods, but I love the man. My heart breaks when I remember, and I know that when I explained to him his behavior, he also hurt.

We're adults. We'll deal. I want to be with him and I'm fully aware we're still not fully a year together. I won't wish, or hope, that he is The One. On the other hand, I want to make it happen. I want him to be The One. If there is such a thing. He feels so right next to me. I feel right next to him. I hope he doesn't change. And yet, I hope we grow together.

I hope we become so interlaced that neither of us can live without the other.

I'm in a mood. I know part of it is 'cause I want to spend time with Oddity (alone time, preferably naked) and this is a form of emotional temper tantrum. This feeds into the whole 'I don't drive and life sucks' thing, and I'm frustrated because I could be working for more money and am simply not focused enough. I don't know if I can get to see my daughter at the residential facility or if she can sleep over with me (I have to find a place we can sleep over at, 'cause Capt A doesn't want her here). I don't make enough money at all.

And Assemblage 23 has lots of dark, almost suicidal songs. I know that Failure has to be a son asking his parent why his parent committed suicide. There's another song, rather sweetly folksy, but very dark, by Innocence Mission, called You Are The Light, which seriously seems to be about someone visiting the house of someone who died. NOT the best of listening things during winter. gah.

And the pain in my hip is back.

I want my Oddity. Wah.

So Temptation shuts down our link so that he can heal. It is rough on him I know; and I know I'm being selfish when I say I wish he didn't have to do that.

Oddity and I had a very good weekend. It was my b'day on Saturday; DancingBean and Oddity planned a dance roadtrip for my b'day Friday night. I could not go home with Oddity Friday night and that broke my heart. But I got to go over Saturday.

I love being around him. I'll admit it, I'm a goner for him.

Driving home on the highway, there was an overbridge that looked like if it opened to another world - over it was dark sky, but under it was bright gold. In fact, it framed a well lit factory wall.

We ate at a diner and I had the sudden feeling that we were in one of those movies, like the one with Woody Harrelson and that chick wherein the song ShitList comes in, or something like The Day The Earth Stood Still, or an X-files movie, or the one where Nicholas Cage can see several minutes into possible futures and reset. See, the diner is one of those old fashioned shiny ones, with the flourescent lights, and it was dark outside, and someone started up the jukebox with some bluesy country song... and it was surreal. Either this diner would be the last oasis of humanity, or hell on earth. It would be a crossroads of temporal events or the place where Arthur Dent finds out the earth is due for demolition. I was in a fanciful headspace, what can I say?

I missed my dog. I wish I could have my world as I want it.

My son never called me for my b'day. He is going to PAY.

Edit: He called Thursday. He leaves for Boot Camp in May, they tell him, because MEPS is full. Hrm. He should join the Peace Corp or Job Corp or something that keeps him out of trouble. Here's to hoping.

I'm sick. Not sure what I have. Friday I felt like I was overheating and simply couldn't think. Every bone in my body hurt, ached, felt like it was on fire. Even my face.

It comes and goes. mebbe it's the Change (and I would be SO FUCKING HAPPY). Or, my body is fighting the flu. OR, I had started drinking a tea with Acai Berry (a Zinger by Celestial Seasonings) and my body simply doesn't like it. Hrm...

Oddity and I had a great weekend. We are comfortable together, even when we argue. Okay, I don't argue 'cause I know I'm not going to get my point across. He is a little difficult sometimes, but that's the way he is. Direct, simple and straightforward. I tend to be more convoluted. A LOT geekier. eh.

Jobs: Went on an interview Thursday in Harrisburg; got a request for an interview IN YORK Saturday. I get this feeling things will fall into place, but let me not count my chickens before they hatch. Heh, they're not even laid, yet!

Got my story into NanoWriMo - now to expand and work on it. I personally think it's too wordy. I need space and time to focus on it.

My birthday's this weekend. I am a proud 44 years old.

So tired.
So very tired of the drama
of the push/pull of my heart
of the cacophony in my head.

So sleepy.
Why can't I just sleep
Fall into endless slumber
Never wake up again.

I know
Giving up is not an option
Running away is not a given
But oh, to sleep
and never have to deal with
any of this ever again.

To sleep
without dreams
endlessly.

I love gingerbread cookies, especially with icing.

I cannot stand sitting in my chair at work. It hurts my legs and my tailbone. I also hate the arms and wish I could tear them off. I'd rather stand (which my feet, of course, do not appreciate).

My hair falls out but there's still hair on my head. ALOT of it.

I've noticed that people with houses and money call about defective products. Poor people don't call.

I find I like fall and winter; I just don't like the cold.

I wore a Star Trek Next Generation shirt to work on Halloween, in direct flouting of the 'no costume' rule. Stupid job.

I do not like the people my son and youngest befriended. I hate dealing with them.

I am not like anyone you've ever met. Don't pigeonhole me. Don't assume.

I like to sing. I lived in the songs I grew up with, and it is just me.

I am very giving and accomodating.

I LOVE MY ODDITY!!!! He is meeting me tomorrow (we weren't going to be able to meet at all this weekend - oh poop! but he's making the effort!!!) for steaks. I think he's going to dress up as gandhi... LOL for dinner! Oh, he's freaking fantastic. I am very much in love.

I do not like to complain, nor do I like to ask for favors. I try very hard to be self-sufficient.

I love to eat.

Silent tears while words scroll
Quietly accepting
We are all different
Life is as it is.

I will always forgive
I will always love
I will always show mercy
I will always empathize
Or I would not be me.

And while you do not understand
If I weren't what you rail against
you would not love me.
If I were like you,
you would not like me.
Ironic, isn't it?

I choose how I feel.
I choose not to let
your words wound me.
I carry on, and you never know
just how deep it went.
And I forgive, and I love.
You will never understand
Because you choose not to.

Oh, Murphy's law.

Last night both Ray and I dreamt of financial ruin and chaos, albeit differently. Today I got a call that I answered - from Harrisburg, re a job I applied for, Clerk Typist for a state office job. Despite the fact there is a hiring freeze, I have an interview for Nov. 7th, at 10am. But I don't know if I had the time available from my current job, especially since I already took off Nov 17 for my bday.

Lo and behold, I get back to my desk to find an email from my boss stating that we have yet to take our extra personal day this year. I'm set.

I'm excited. I texted everyone including my mom and she called back to congratulate me. Everyone else texted back (and Temptation sent me a picture of his crazy face smiling!). I know Oddity is worried, but it's going to be okay.

So I happily go potty (yes, I know, TMI) and this weekend is my free weekend with Oddity - and I get my period today. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Not fair! I promised I'd wear a teddy!!!! Drat it all to HELL!

Well, it had to happen. Things couldn't go 100% my way....

I bruise you, you bruise me. We both bruise, too easily; too easily, to let it show. I love you, and that's all I know.

Oddity's been the only person who's photographed with me kissing him, or holding him.

Good lesson learned by him over the weekend; that his actions make people question his words. I had been trying to show him this re the young woman but he wasn't getting it. I think he got it over the weekend. I don't expect him to change; I do expect him to be more aware.

When exactly did I lose my heart to Oddity? The night he drove me home from Smalls, when he took off the fauxhawk and put on that hat... suddenly I was seeing someone new. I felt my world shift that night. I love when he wears that hat.

I hugged him at Ulanas, grateful suddenly that he was around. I think that was before Smalls. He wanted to sit next to me on our weekend out; he sat next to me and put his hand on my thigh. Why didn't I react? I felt it belonged there. After Ulanas, I felt like I would hurt anyone who messed with him. After Ulanas, I felt he was mine.

I wanted to kiss him something awful when he dropped me off at my house. But I didn't want to mess up what I had at home.

Then the party, where I was so excited for him to get there, and when he stomped off and I realized I had lost my heart to him. "I love him," I said out loud, and it was true.

I'm not the easiest of persons to get along with; I've got problems. I am difficult, but I'm also very understanding and caring and giving. I'm struggling not to put him on a pedestal like everyone else I've dated. I feel, really feel, that he's the missing part of me. Even when he pisses me off!

I learned alot of things through listening to what I call 'my music'. For instance: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago:

Everyone needs a little time away/I heard her say/from each other
Even lovers need a holiday/far away from the one that they love
Hold me now/it's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to know...
After all that we've been through/I will make it up to you. I promise you/And after all that's been said and done/You're just the part of me I can't let go.

What would you understand from this? Well, relationships need work. You can feel frustrated with someone so much that you want to walk away; but that is not permanent. Saying "I'm Sorry" and meaning it helps - as does accepting the apology (Hold me now). It takes two.

But, as my friend Maria said, too much togetherness breeds contempt (actually she said it in spanish and much more colorful: la carne, junto mucho, hiede). So time apart - in other words, be your own person even in a relationship - is healthy and probably for the best.

Cool Change by Little River Band: It's alright to be alone.
Come Sail Away by Styx: Dreams are wonderful, but as you age you change; don't give up adventure or new things. There's always hope.
Reminiscing by Little River Band: remember the good times. this is healthy.
Cruising by Smokey Robinson: just spending time with each other is precious.
Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks: Live your life every day; even when you are dying, those memories will be there to sweeten the passage. Value the people around you. Love them.
Blasphemous Rumors: suicide hurts everyone and helps no one. death is meaningless and random. God plays no part in it.
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin: Yes, I found meaning in that one. It fits in my warped worldview. DREAM. Life is as fantastic as you wish it. Strive. Seek. Live. Dream.
Hotel California by the Eagles: Pretty Party People are sinkholes.
Bargain by The Who: Value who loves you
Baba O'Riley by The Who: look forward and enjoy life now

More to come as I think of them....

I have very very lucid, vivid dreams. I enjoy this; it makes my sleep time quite fun. Most of the time anyway. This does mean I have very vivid nightmares...

But this is not about a nightmare. This was a dream I have a couple of nights ago that I enjoyed very much.

I was in some city and had to get a bus. I remember brownstones and then getting on a bus that was more like a cabin in a plane, but it was a bus. It was crowded and was one of those tour bus things, with people in various stages of relaxation/preparation. I sat for a while in one seat, chatting up someone about where I was going (the next stop!) to see/meet up with my boyfriend. Then I moved to another seat near a window, and had the guy in front of me recline his seat all the way into my lap - it was funny if rude.

He was with his wife and kids but getting drunk on the bus. Well, when I arrived where I was going (for some reason, a seaside industrial town), he followed me off. I asked him just what he thought he was doing, and he said he was trying to explore and took off in the opposite direction. It didn't take long for him to find me again.

In the dream, seeing my bf wasn't an urgency, so I told him, fine, I would lead him around. Well, we went through an industrial factory where salt was stockpiled and turning green (I know that means something chemically, but I can't recall what) and I refuseed to go through it because I was wearing my heeled thongs (yet, earlier, we went by a stripjoint and basically acted punked out inside and outside when we got kicked out, I was wearing sneakers). We had to get through it to get to the other side (and here I was thinking I was too far from North York and I could not remember for the life of me how to get back) and I found an abandoned building that had a back way around the huge salt dump. There we were joined by a few thugs and one dealer and we climbed through a gated window down a gated metal outdoor stairwell. I thought I wouldn't fit, but I did...

Earlier we had been walking through some seedy place, and it was either nighttime or predawn. I was nattering cheerily with this drunk married young man, being goofy and keeping him at a distance. We decided to go into a stripjoint, and we were kicked out and I walked on the bannisters of the porch and down towards the beach from the place - it was a seaside city, but it was still both Lancaster and York in my head. Then as the sun came up, we went into a bar/restaurant, and he continued drinking and as I was talking to the manager, he went outside and either threw up or fell over the pretty branch bannister, breaking it. Manager was going to call the cops and I laughed and gathered my friend up and continued walking... seems I didn't have to worry about police at all and the impression in the dream was that the police didn't even pay us any attention.

The dream ended at the climbing through the window of the abandoned building. On one side, where the salt was, it was cloudy and slightly chilly, but on the other side of the house, the sun was shining brightly and it was warmer.

Other things happened - all involving establishments that ended up kicking us out 'cause we were creating a disturbance - no, there was NO hanky panky with the drunk married young man - and walking through a seedy, oddly NYCish landscape by the sea with huge factories in green and red and pale colors denoted the bar/restaraurant and the stripjoint.

I woke up from that dream in a very good mood, bouyant, even, but it was 2:fucking 30 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep. It was an odd day.

I HATE HATE HATE my contacts. Soon arrives the big question; money for what will I decide to deny so that I can get glasses? I need them desperately.

I'm working OT this week. 8am - 9pm M-W-F and 10am-9pm T-Th. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?????

On the other hand, I like working all day. I'll go home and crash and get up the next day and do it again and it's only for two weeks, though I wish I had excluded Friday (only 'cause I want to go see Ray, but I'll have to deal like a big girl). I tend to bore easily at home and now I'm not bored.

But I'm going to be sooooo tired....

I had a very pleasant weekend with Oddity, even with the breakdown in communication and tears for a brief minute on Friday evening and the uncomfortable knowledge that he was being cantankerous most of Saturday. I can live with that; I only see him weekends and this will give me the coping skills for when we are closer to each other.

He does need his space; this is a very concrete reality. It will do me good to not jump in with both feet, and will give me the chance to also be on my own without being totally alone. That is, he loves me. I worry for him but he's coped like this for years. I will accept.

On the other hand, can he accept me the way I am? He decries my 'dreamworld' which I consider my healthy optimism. I know the life he lead and accept that he needs to feel rooted in harsh reality. Can he accept that my reality was too harsh to accept and that I can function better with being optimistic to the point of wishful thinking?

Then again, I've had LOTS of lucky breaks in life and that does lead me to believe that they will continue. Maybe things won't fall into my lap as they did in NY, but they will work out. And if they don't, I'll still be optimistic. He's not like me; he doesn't fall into depression and have to take meds for it. I don't want to go there. I'm not changing; I'm not asking him to change either. He is who he is and I am who I am. I know I can adapt; can he? I sure hope so.

He danced with me for the U2 cover band Saturday night, to the romantic slow songs. He introduced me to more people (whom I want to stay in touch with - they're fantastic!) and this means I may have a small foundation of Lancaster friends to hang with when I'm not spending time with him, which also gives him his space and his freedom to be with his friends.

I never asked to be entertained. I just want to be loved - and I want the world to know I'm loved. I would announce it from the rooftops, if I could = yes, Oddity is MY love! He's MINE!

yea, I know I'm possessive. sorta. :) He fell asleep, the shots catching up to him, cradled in my breasts. I held his head to my chest as he fell asleep, kissing his shaved pate, his arms around my waist. I love holding him. And it makes me feel indescribably wonderful when in his sleep he gathers me up to his chest, his arms around me, snoring into my cheek. Sometimes he'll kiss my forehead or my shoulder if my back is to him and he's wrapped around me.

I'm always happy to hear from him. I hope this doesn't alarm him, the way I am. This is how I love. At this age, fuck it. I won't tone it down. This is me.

Sunday I went to see my youngest; she lost her job. She was so distressed and upset - I cried with her but hopefully she remembers what I told her - this is something better to happen while she's here and learn to cope with it rather than when it actually makes a difference and her entire world would collapse. I've been there. So have many of my friends. We've lost so much over the years...

I woke up at 2:30am and finally just got out of bed at 4am 'cause I simply was NOT sleepy. It's 3:10pm now and my eyes sting, but it's from the contacts and not from lack of sleep.

I know it will catch up with me. I hope I get a chance to read myspace tonight when I get home, but I'll probably be so dead I'll just crawl into bed and tell Capt A to make his own breakfast 'n lunch. But we'll see.

Not driving SUCKS. But every time I think of how much money I will NEED to make to be able to drive, it frightens me. How do people do it?

What with the price of gas and insurance and the cost of a car, you're paying almost as much as you would for rent. So hypothetically, 400 a month for a car, 500 for rent. Then you have utitilties. Depending on the season, 100 for electic and heat if your rent doesn't cover it (NYC it didn't; PA not sure), 50 for cable, 75 for phone, perhaps 30 for water (not always in apartment living). Then there's food. For one person (me, for instance) that's about 300 a month. Then there's the buying of the household essentials - cleaning supplies, toiletries, clothing, shoes, coats, hats, gloves, et al. If you wear contacts, add 50 a month to that. If you don't have a washer/dryer, add another $100 a month to that.

So, to make ends meet, you'd have to make almost 3000 a month. Viable, IF YOU HAVE A CAR. A Catch-22. NY, this would be poverty level.

How do I move up from not having a car?

Written to Damned Prayers' PlayList - www.myspace.com/damnedprayers

I stopped envying people who had idyllic childhoods - where the parents were loving and life was wonderful and you dream about those halcyon days of youth.

I HATED MY CHILDHOOD. I lived in a dreamworld of my making because my reality sucked. My parents were together because they had committed adultery - I'm sure they loved each other, but the fighting and the backbiting and the hoops they jumped through for each other and that fucking religion that shadowed our lives overcame any love they could show.

We were poor. But not as poor as both my parents had been as youths; that was poverty of the kind you fear in the very core of your being. My parents strove to provide us with some material stability so that we would neve go hungry as they did, or have to work at the ages they did. But on the flip side, it was awful.

We weren't really allowed friends, because friends of the 'world' was anathema to the religion. And friends within the religion could turn on you, because everyone was a backbiting bitch. My parents had very few friends. They were loners either by choice or circumstance. So we grew up as loners.

I loved attention and loved to dance. Unfortunately, I was the first child of their sin, and I know that colored how they treated me. I was the eldest, and I was female. I was both responsible for my younger brothers and less than they were. I was worthless and easy to punish. Sensitive, every word found it's mark and it hurt for years. And lets not get into the scars on my body; the physical manifestation of the determination to train me to the long and narrow. Which obviously, if you know me, didn't work all that well.

Dancing was nipped in the bud. My natural exuberance was twisted somehow. Taken advantage of by predators and unfortunate circumstances, I became what my dad called me - worthless, a slut, a whore, a prostitute. I own those names, because they were mine, it seemed.

I believed I was a succubus. I read two languages very early; I loved to read. It was my escape, and it peopled my dreamworld. And I read about succubi and incubi and knew, without a doubt, that this was what I was. And so my exuberance was channeled into something dark.

I was afraid of everything. My parents weren't a comfort. My own body rebelled against me and rejected everything put it in. I was a contantly sick child. My mother says I was a good child until I grew up; because I was a broken child inside (background: And One, Sometime). They were stunned to find out about the predators within their own midst and never thought to really believe me. How could they? They were trapped in their own hell, and this was the only way they knew to be.

My idyllic memories were the times spent away from my family. The everpresent fear of angering my dad (easily done, as dad held lots of anger) was gone; my mom the martyr wasn't around to preach to me. I was free.

When I had kids, I screwed up, and cursed them with the same childhood. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself, and so I left them to my parents. My parents encouraged this distrust and it turned into a disaster for my children.

I don't envy you with lovely childhoods anymore. I don't wish for what you had. I was dealt this card in life and it has made me who I am. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I was broken inside and still survived.

I'd rather be an adult, and aging, and where I am in life, than ever return to those memories or that life again. I will enjoy my present and my future, and retreat into my dreamworld when I desire reprieve. Enjoy the present with me as well.