Listening to my mp3 player, the song Angel One came on "how did you know? When I loved your body, my mind was with someone else? How did you know? I've made my decision and someone's is going to hurt. Sometimes people are made to stay; Maybe I will be some day" I always think of Capt. A now with this song.

I know he's angry. I also know that I took a risk in staying overnight Tuesday night - I wanted to see Ritter's Alternative night (and it was GREAT) though the poor turnout may work against it (Tuesday night, c'mon now). But I could not bear to make anyone drive me home at 1am and turn around and return to lancaster... that's just wrong.

I also took a risk 'cause I'm pretty sure calling in today is going to be the deathknell of my job. I'm burned out on the job; I can't understand how people can do it, go day after day to the same place doing the same thing. And I always feel like I'm that greek god who has to roll that huge rock uphill and never ever makes it.. or makes it to had to start all over again. I'm so frustrated I cry.

so many things I'm risking because of this emotional force. I had stability, but no passion. I had a home and a man who would have never betrayed me, but who also sounded like he'd never commit completely to me either. I have a steady job, but I can't take the daily grind. How the hell am I going to survive if I've not developed the coping skills for losing my soul? Because that what it felt like - I was bartering my soul for stability.

Not everyone is like that; why do I have to be the flake? Okay, my brothers are the same, but still - what fucked-up-edness caused this?

I watch Oddity in bed, sleeping; he's like the oddest angelic creature I've ever seen. I feel so protective AND protected when I look at him. Gangly limbs and a face that goes from pretty forbidding to tenderly vulnerable. I love looking into his eyes. Goddess, I want to protect him and baby him and take care of him and never see sorrow or pain in those eyes!

I'm hoping this obsessive emotion is calming down - at least so I can function from day to day. I'll need to refocus. I don't want it to go away. I've found my match, my other half, the pieces to my heart. He's filled all the little empty spaces inside me (get your mind out of the gutter). I'm his everything. I'm the joy in his eyes. He's the beat of my heart. Goddess, thank you.