Thursday night, Grendel in NY told me our mutual friend Ellie passed away. My initial reaction was of shock and disbelief and denial: no, she's too young and alive. She was engaged to marry Hal, promoter that we practically grew up with in the club scene. She was lively, gorgeous, pretty industrialgoth, and growing into one hell of a sexy woman. She also had her problems - tempermental, excitable, on medication.

I cried myself to sleep for the next few nights as more details emerged. She had run out of her home after yet another fight with her fiance (tempermental) in a not so great but gentrifying part of Brooklyn. It was night. Seems her body was found in a park the next day, but her fiance was not notified until Thursday. This is all second hand, mind you; I did not have the heart to ask Hal about it. Gods, he did not deserve this. Nor, obviously did Ellie.

The biggest reason I cried myself to sleep is that Ellie is near my eldest daughter's age; I saw Ellie as a daughter. I have prayed that she was not attacked and killed, and so far, while I don't have the particulars, it looks like it was an accident along the lines of mixing medication and alcohol and high emotion. I know this is selfish; I'd rather Ellie were alive than dead, but at least, it wasn't a horrible or violent end. I think I'd go a little nuts if it were so.

I don't believe in life after death, but oh, Ellie, you were too young! Even far away people remember you! I was used to hearing about you at least every week; you were still close to my heart. I wish there were some way to communicate to you how much you did mean to people; maybe this might have moderated your reaction. We'll never know. So many people will miss you and your sly, sweet smile and bright eyes and completely 'ellie' ways. I will always remember you, Ellie.

I'm sorry, Hal, that I could not stay on the phone. I still do feel distant from you, even though I've known you most all my adult life so far. You definitely are hurting and to hear it in your voice breaks my heart more. I'm so sorry for this loss and for your pain. I send you all my love and support. May the Goddess guide and soothe you through this.