So lately I changed my diet. Had to. I couldn't eat at a diner or fast food place without serious belly trouble, and lots of other icky things were happening.
I have lactose intolerance but that came in my late 20s. However, I was never a person to be able to gain weight and always, ALWAYS had stomach troubles. So I started reading up on recent stuff about malnutrition (everyone thought I had anemia, I was supposedly allergic to tons of foodstuff...) and while reading (I keep an informal food diary because of the problems) I found out about fructose intolerance. Now, I stopped drinking anything with high fructose corn syrup several years ago because I found it triggered the bad belly things (Think Irritable Bowel Syndrome). According to the information I read about fructose intolerance, natural juices can trigger it too - like apple juice, which was a staple in my diet because I don't drink carbonated or sugary stuff. Well, whadyaknow... I stopped drinking apple juice (apples contain more fructose than glucose and that triggers the symptoms associated with intolerance) and NO MORE BLOATED BELLY/FARTING/ALL THE ICKY STUFF!
Now, I had also cut down severely on orange juice because it also made my bowels feel unhappy. I keep track of everything I drink now, and I drink LOTS of water and unsweetened tea (I stopped liking sugar a while back and now I see why).
As for foods, well, I went from eating EVERYTHING to being very very picky on what I eat - I never wanted to be 'that' person, the one who couldn't share in what everyone else ate and had fussy and exacting requirements. Now I know why.
I don't experience the bad belly times anymore. I still love pizza with sausage and pepperonis (omg do I love pepperoni) but I know that once is enough, or else I suffer. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE hot wings, but once a week, or else I spend too much time sitting on the bowl in pain. (yes, I know, TMI, but you HAVE to understand why.)
Workdays, my eating plan is: a handful of tater tots (love them), two runny fried eggs (and no salmonella!) and three to four strips of bacon, and some cheese - either cheddar (which doesn't trigger the lactose thing, I don't know why) or colby jack (mmmmmmmmmmmm). I drink NuVim along with that (delicious stuff and good for you). Later in the day, it's a small bottle of Dannon vanilla drinkable yogurt with all that probiotic stuff (it's been one HELL of a asset!) along with a lactose pill, as THAT does trigger the intolerance. Lunch, if I am planning ahead, is usually greens with spinach, carrots, pepperoni slices (I'll fit them in somehow!) or chicken slices, nuts (small amount) and water. I'll snack on something before that or after that, but that's the only snack I'll allow myself and usually it's one of those oatmeal sandwich cookies... gooey and icky and so delightful.
Dinner is usually another probiotic yogurt (right now it's YoPlus 'cause OMG its so creammmmmmmy!) and some form of meat and vegetable. And lots of water or tea. And I drink hot tea throughout the day ('cause my office is FUCKING FREEZING!).
And so far, I've staved off the horrible belly things. On the weekends, if I drink, well, it upsets the whole shebang, but it's only for the weekend. And I get to eat hot wings.....
Moderation I think is key. I don't have to absolutely eliminate fructose or lactose from my diet, but I do have to monitor intake and balance it out. Most wisdom also states that red meat every day is not a good thing. It isn't, really. So I'm trying to work out to have red meat less and more fish, chicken and pork at dinner. And so long as I can also control my daily stress - I got the hours I want to work and now I find my best sleeping hours are 12-7, which work out perfect for me - and I am studying and working and walking every day - working out has to be worked back into my schedule - and am dancing or at least moving alot throughout the weekend - I think I can keep myself from the uglies of digestion and stress and possibly even grow old with only half of what my mom has to go through.
Here's to hoping.
Friday
Thursday
Home by The Endparty (song posted by Oddity 7/29/09 on myspace)
take these nights bereft of comfort,
take these thoughts that leave me restless
give me everything you are,
show me worlds unknown to me
(CHORUS)for how can I resist, when every part of you
feels like home to me (2x)
bring this solitute to an end
I will carry you to paradise
we can have all we desire
all of this was shown to me
(CHORUS)
When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
Take these fears that lie within
cast them out and bring ascension
you are the soul that I have lost
and all of this you've shown to me
(CHORUS)
When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
take these nights bereft of comfort,
take these thoughts that leave me restless
give me everything you are,
show me worlds unknown to me
(CHORUS)for how can I resist, when every part of you
feels like home to me (2x)
bring this solitute to an end
I will carry you to paradise
we can have all we desire
all of this was shown to me
(CHORUS)
When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
Take these fears that lie within
cast them out and bring ascension
you are the soul that I have lost
and all of this you've shown to me
(CHORUS)
When the vision of your countenance
is enough to leave me breathless
Then how can I resist
when every part of you
feels like home to me,
feels like home to me?
The distance by Oddity 7/29/09
whispers in the wind
meant only for you
these days grow old
the nights are tired
but just like the sun
we rise and we fall
reading our words
hoping to hear a voice
memories carry us
new adventures await
each day passes
we grow closer together
even when we are apart
dreams can come true
i see you in the distance
never far from sight
hoping the next sunrise
brings you closer to me
smiles are like sunshine
you brighten my world
distance can't change that
we are never apart
you are inside my heart
hear my whispers
i am waiting for you
this is my dream
Forever by Oddity 7/29/09
Pale skin hidden from the sun
Sunken eyes beneath her veil
Wrapped in the dark of my night
Following the shadow of the moon
The scent of her arouses me
Biting the lip of ruby red lipstick
She trembles inside my black cape
Knowing that i’ll be there forever
A white gown streaked in blood
Her arms wrapped inside of mine
This lust is a beautiful romance
From sunrise until sunset we live
Waiting for the night to call to us
Watching the moon until forever
whispers in the wind
meant only for you
these days grow old
the nights are tired
but just like the sun
we rise and we fall
reading our words
hoping to hear a voice
memories carry us
new adventures await
each day passes
we grow closer together
even when we are apart
dreams can come true
i see you in the distance
never far from sight
hoping the next sunrise
brings you closer to me
smiles are like sunshine
you brighten my world
distance can't change that
we are never apart
you are inside my heart
hear my whispers
i am waiting for you
this is my dream
Forever by Oddity 7/29/09
Pale skin hidden from the sun
Sunken eyes beneath her veil
Wrapped in the dark of my night
Following the shadow of the moon
The scent of her arouses me
Biting the lip of ruby red lipstick
She trembles inside my black cape
Knowing that i’ll be there forever
A white gown streaked in blood
Her arms wrapped inside of mine
This lust is a beautiful romance
From sunrise until sunset we live
Waiting for the night to call to us
Watching the moon until forever
Tuesday
Hear that sound? You can't? I can. Every time I think about my son and what he's going through, the demons he fights because of his genetic heritage, I can hear the keening of my soul in despair. Every time I realize that my eldest may never be free of taking medication because of my genes, I can hear it. Every time I hear my baby daughter over the phone and know exactly what she is struggling with and she does not even know how to acknowledge it, it fills my head with agony.
What will become of my granddaughter? and what if my other children give me grandchildren - will they also fall victim to their parents' genetic weaknesses? I can't say it's unfair, but it hurts so bad.
What will become of my granddaughter? and what if my other children give me grandchildren - will they also fall victim to their parents' genetic weaknesses? I can't say it's unfair, but it hurts so bad.
Sometimes its nice to be crazy. That is, I live in a world no one else experiences. Sometimes it's a bit frightening - after all, seeing and hearing things that aren't there combined with being unable to identify everyday things as normal and the occasional paranoid delusion can be downright unsettling. But it's not as frequent as before, and I can recognize it for what it is.
Last night I read two brief stories based on the Cthluthlu mythos and for most of the time spent trying to go to sleep, the shadows in my room kept on making gibbering noises and appearing squamous and ghastly. I knew what it was so I ignored it and finally went to sleep without any nightmares. It was last night that I appreciated that only I can see that - it's a product of a mind not fully rooted, whether chemically or physiologically - in everyone else's reality and it was rather fun, for once.
Truth to tell, I don't know if it IS crazy, or just that this is the way I see/experience the world. I'm pretty sure no one experiences it quite the same way, but there may be overlaps that people dismiss. I'm the first to admit I've quite an active imagination and am unable to turn it off at will. For today, it is fun.
Last night I read two brief stories based on the Cthluthlu mythos and for most of the time spent trying to go to sleep, the shadows in my room kept on making gibbering noises and appearing squamous and ghastly. I knew what it was so I ignored it and finally went to sleep without any nightmares. It was last night that I appreciated that only I can see that - it's a product of a mind not fully rooted, whether chemically or physiologically - in everyone else's reality and it was rather fun, for once.
Truth to tell, I don't know if it IS crazy, or just that this is the way I see/experience the world. I'm pretty sure no one experiences it quite the same way, but there may be overlaps that people dismiss. I'm the first to admit I've quite an active imagination and am unable to turn it off at will. For today, it is fun.
Wednesday
It's kind of frightening to see things that aren't there. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens alot more than I tell people. It's usually peripheral vision or glances where I catch things moving or just there and when I look back, it's not there or there's no movement. I know what it is; it's just misinterpretation of the visual field context in my brain. It doesn't help that I have one of those impressionable and highly fertile minds....
Under stress or high emotion, or when I've not been able to sleep/rest/eat right, I see these disturbances more. I try very hard to keep within the parameters of what will prevent me from those types of things, along with the manic/panic episodes and the whole 'hearing voices' thing.
People simply do not realize how much stress any kind of interaction is on me. Even talking to my own kids can be overly taxing. Hanging out with friends, while enjoyable, engenders panic for some reason and extended contact tends to trigger all the wierd stuff I try to avoid.
There's a reason I loved books and dancing by myself. :) I know some of the reasons for the triggers: for instance, I love to roleplay, but I was given a set of ethos that work is the most important thing to do and such forms of relaxation are unacceptable. Yet, I can't bear working ALL THE TIME; it also triggers all the bad stuff. The conflict is handled by meditation and analysis of why it bothers me one way or the other, and working out soem sort of balance while reconciling the underlying causation. Letting go and giving up - just internal mechanisms to deal with the conflicts - are tools I use alot.
But I have to be by myself, and it is very hard on me to interact socially for any length of time. So when I withdraw, please respect my need for personal space and inner harmony; I really hate seeing things move and hearing things just outside my actual perception, and I abhor my manic/panic episodes (very destructive).
Under stress or high emotion, or when I've not been able to sleep/rest/eat right, I see these disturbances more. I try very hard to keep within the parameters of what will prevent me from those types of things, along with the manic/panic episodes and the whole 'hearing voices' thing.
People simply do not realize how much stress any kind of interaction is on me. Even talking to my own kids can be overly taxing. Hanging out with friends, while enjoyable, engenders panic for some reason and extended contact tends to trigger all the wierd stuff I try to avoid.
There's a reason I loved books and dancing by myself. :) I know some of the reasons for the triggers: for instance, I love to roleplay, but I was given a set of ethos that work is the most important thing to do and such forms of relaxation are unacceptable. Yet, I can't bear working ALL THE TIME; it also triggers all the bad stuff. The conflict is handled by meditation and analysis of why it bothers me one way or the other, and working out soem sort of balance while reconciling the underlying causation. Letting go and giving up - just internal mechanisms to deal with the conflicts - are tools I use alot.
But I have to be by myself, and it is very hard on me to interact socially for any length of time. So when I withdraw, please respect my need for personal space and inner harmony; I really hate seeing things move and hearing things just outside my actual perception, and I abhor my manic/panic episodes (very destructive).
Tuesday
Life is beautiful. Hey, shit happens. Into every garden, snow and rain and hail must fall. Things die and new life come forth, based on the fertile ground littered with the dead.
My children are grown. I can't believe all that time has passed. And yet, there are and will always be my children, my babies. I spoke to my son today (I can't stay angry at my kids) and found he is still ... well, he has transformer figures and G.I.Joe figures and creates combat scenarios (I did similar with my dolls for many years - yes, combat. I didn't play dressup! I was a MERC!) My mother thinks he's trying to relive his childhood....
My youngest is learning things slowly, but she is learning. My eldest is marvelous. My granddaughter is still trapped by my parents' fanaticism, but we all had to go through that, and the challenge is to emerge stronger from such an experience.
I am still looking for work. Classwork is HARD; it requires more work and thinking and time and energy than I expect to be able to produce good work. I have to reevaluate my time spending and see what I can do to focus on remaining..
ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIST, which is keeping your GPA at 3.96 or above. I hope I don't flub it with this semester - OMG is legal research tough!
I am still working; just not in the city I want to be in. All that is an upward climb and I don't kid myself; it's going to be rough. It will also be worth it. I'll be selfsufficient, finally, and somewhere I feel I belong.
I am going to be with Oddity. That alone makes my insides quiver with joy. We are going to be together on vacation - A VACATION!!!! avemaria, so long I've not had one, and with someone I love??? it is frightening how completely thrown I am by this whole thing. I can't believe it's happening!
Life is sweet, but I see others not have it like that. I wish I could tell them to just be open to life, even the harsh, painful parts. Let it flow through and let it become a stronger you. Do not dwell (well, mourn a bit, then move on).
I have Oddity. It's real. We can work to make it last the test of time. I can do this.
I am happy.
My children are grown. I can't believe all that time has passed. And yet, there are and will always be my children, my babies. I spoke to my son today (I can't stay angry at my kids) and found he is still ... well, he has transformer figures and G.I.Joe figures and creates combat scenarios (I did similar with my dolls for many years - yes, combat. I didn't play dressup! I was a MERC!) My mother thinks he's trying to relive his childhood....
My youngest is learning things slowly, but she is learning. My eldest is marvelous. My granddaughter is still trapped by my parents' fanaticism, but we all had to go through that, and the challenge is to emerge stronger from such an experience.
I am still looking for work. Classwork is HARD; it requires more work and thinking and time and energy than I expect to be able to produce good work. I have to reevaluate my time spending and see what I can do to focus on remaining..
ON THE PRESIDENT'S LIST, which is keeping your GPA at 3.96 or above. I hope I don't flub it with this semester - OMG is legal research tough!
I am still working; just not in the city I want to be in. All that is an upward climb and I don't kid myself; it's going to be rough. It will also be worth it. I'll be selfsufficient, finally, and somewhere I feel I belong.
I am going to be with Oddity. That alone makes my insides quiver with joy. We are going to be together on vacation - A VACATION!!!! avemaria, so long I've not had one, and with someone I love??? it is frightening how completely thrown I am by this whole thing. I can't believe it's happening!
Life is sweet, but I see others not have it like that. I wish I could tell them to just be open to life, even the harsh, painful parts. Let it flow through and let it become a stronger you. Do not dwell (well, mourn a bit, then move on).
I have Oddity. It's real. We can work to make it last the test of time. I can do this.
I am happy.
Wednesday
No one has ever engaged so fully in being in a relationship with me as has Oddity. Pictures, the funny names we call ourselves, the sheer imagination and creativity he displays and not only shares with me but has me be a part of.
There's always so much I want to write when I finally get to this site that I completely forget when I make the time to sit and actually WRITE. It's rather frustrating.
I've not been giving the proper form of attention to my classwork as I should have; I am not going to get the super grades I want if I don't focus and apply myself - nor am I going to be learning anything and this is something I need. Part of it is not having Saturdays to focus and study but... I'm not giving up my only day to be with Oddity.
I really like getting up at 7am even when I sleep at 12... I think the idea of 12-7 sleep or 11pm to 6am would be the best sleep time for me. Plus, working at let's say 10am and leaving work at 6pm would work for me. It would be the perfect balance; though I could live with 9 to 5. Yes, it would be ideal. I like getting up when the sun is clearing the horizon and pouring into my bedroom window.
As we know, that's just wishful thinking. But if only....
Applying for other jobs. The idea, hopefully it will work, is that if I do get hired for something, I stay either with Oddity or a choice of a couple of other friends for the length, at most, of 3 months till I can get a small apartment. Going through the regular channels, I'll never be able to afford an apartment. I'm hoping that my rather really good luck will work out...
I set up a driver's test for aug 8 - now if oddity is working that day, I can move it back a few. Whatever it takes.
I've got a new camera - and it's blue. yes, I purchased it 'cause it's blue and was on sale. I hope I don't lose this one! I don't remember what happened to my first camera and I lost my second one somewhere between the Lettie G and home.
My daughter is back in college for her BA in Social work.... I'm so proud of her! She, like me, will have to take remedial algebra (Gods, I HATE math) but at least she's on her way. She gives me hope for the other two.
I've not heard from my son, who as of June 21 turned 23. I did not wish him a happy birthday, as two days prior to his birthday he was the inappropriately gleeful caller that informed me that my youngest had been kicked out of my parents' home and why.
And I've not heard recently from her; I want her with me but she's not mature enough to do what is right; and I may have to accept that she needs to go through the hard knocks of life to see that what her mama says is good and true. (sob) I'm so worried about her!
My granddaughter got great grades in school and she and my eldest are coming down for Capt. A's summer party. I really hate coming up to NY so this is pleasant.
There's always so much I want to write when I finally get to this site that I completely forget when I make the time to sit and actually WRITE. It's rather frustrating.
I've not been giving the proper form of attention to my classwork as I should have; I am not going to get the super grades I want if I don't focus and apply myself - nor am I going to be learning anything and this is something I need. Part of it is not having Saturdays to focus and study but... I'm not giving up my only day to be with Oddity.
I really like getting up at 7am even when I sleep at 12... I think the idea of 12-7 sleep or 11pm to 6am would be the best sleep time for me. Plus, working at let's say 10am and leaving work at 6pm would work for me. It would be the perfect balance; though I could live with 9 to 5. Yes, it would be ideal. I like getting up when the sun is clearing the horizon and pouring into my bedroom window.
As we know, that's just wishful thinking. But if only....
Applying for other jobs. The idea, hopefully it will work, is that if I do get hired for something, I stay either with Oddity or a choice of a couple of other friends for the length, at most, of 3 months till I can get a small apartment. Going through the regular channels, I'll never be able to afford an apartment. I'm hoping that my rather really good luck will work out...
I set up a driver's test for aug 8 - now if oddity is working that day, I can move it back a few. Whatever it takes.
I've got a new camera - and it's blue. yes, I purchased it 'cause it's blue and was on sale. I hope I don't lose this one! I don't remember what happened to my first camera and I lost my second one somewhere between the Lettie G and home.
My daughter is back in college for her BA in Social work.... I'm so proud of her! She, like me, will have to take remedial algebra (Gods, I HATE math) but at least she's on her way. She gives me hope for the other two.
I've not heard from my son, who as of June 21 turned 23. I did not wish him a happy birthday, as two days prior to his birthday he was the inappropriately gleeful caller that informed me that my youngest had been kicked out of my parents' home and why.
And I've not heard recently from her; I want her with me but she's not mature enough to do what is right; and I may have to accept that she needs to go through the hard knocks of life to see that what her mama says is good and true. (sob) I'm so worried about her!
My granddaughter got great grades in school and she and my eldest are coming down for Capt. A's summer party. I really hate coming up to NY so this is pleasant.
Friday
O M G.
My youngest slept with the husband of a friend of hers and her sister's.. and that cowardly bastard told his wife (whom I consider another of my daughters, honestly) and that created a confrontation IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS' home in Brooklyn.
My son gleefully called to let me know that my youngest had been thrown out of the house. My mother refuses to talk to anyone in her grief and shame. My eldest won't have anything to do with her. I haven't spoken to my dad yet. My brother is stunned by it all. I can't even imagine what my sister in laws think of all this.
But.. can't anyone see she's crying out for attention? I want her with me again. I know she's trouble; I know it's like pressing a viper to my bosom. BUT SHE'S MY CHILD!!! SHE'S MY BABY! And her behavior is MY fault, for abandoning her.
I can't even begin to react. I just want to hold her and let her know though she totally and royally fucked up, she's still my child and I still love her. Yes, I'm horrified at what she did, but in my family, really, who HASN'T done what my youngest did? From my mom to my daughters, we ALL crossed that line. So why are they coming down so hard on my baby????
I wish they had listened to me and left her in the residential facility. But my parents have never listened to me. This is the fruit of THEIR hubris. Now if only I could take my youngest back, and pray that she could learn from her mistakes. :(
My youngest slept with the husband of a friend of hers and her sister's.. and that cowardly bastard told his wife (whom I consider another of my daughters, honestly) and that created a confrontation IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS' home in Brooklyn.
My son gleefully called to let me know that my youngest had been thrown out of the house. My mother refuses to talk to anyone in her grief and shame. My eldest won't have anything to do with her. I haven't spoken to my dad yet. My brother is stunned by it all. I can't even imagine what my sister in laws think of all this.
But.. can't anyone see she's crying out for attention? I want her with me again. I know she's trouble; I know it's like pressing a viper to my bosom. BUT SHE'S MY CHILD!!! SHE'S MY BABY! And her behavior is MY fault, for abandoning her.
I can't even begin to react. I just want to hold her and let her know though she totally and royally fucked up, she's still my child and I still love her. Yes, I'm horrified at what she did, but in my family, really, who HASN'T done what my youngest did? From my mom to my daughters, we ALL crossed that line. So why are they coming down so hard on my baby????
I wish they had listened to me and left her in the residential facility. But my parents have never listened to me. This is the fruit of THEIR hubris. Now if only I could take my youngest back, and pray that she could learn from her mistakes. :(
Thursday
missing my kids but I really don't want to go to ny to see them. worried about my son very much. his speech is slurred and he doesn't realize it and i feel I know why - because of both the schizophrenia and the drug experimentation he's doing.
i'm worried for my youngest too, but funny I think she'll pull out better - yet she's so in danger being a female....
the eldest is wearing herself thin - she fell the other day, flat on her face, and I know that when we get tired, both mentally and physically and emotionally, we become uncoordinated and unfocused. I hope she takes a break.
I haven't heard from my granddaughter and this distance is killing me when it comes to her. I also worry for my parents' health and sanity. I wish at least one of my kids would either get lucky or just leave the area and grow somewhere else..
I am looking for new jobs and have started erasing my non-work presence online. I fear the mayhem and the madness that will come from trying to change my life yet again.
I dont' want to leave my dog!!! I want her with ME!!! but I dont want to settle for something substandard and/or dangerous either.
I am pretty sure having me closer is going to be more stressful on Oddity. I'm very certain of this fact, truth to tell. It will take another long period of time for him to be comfortable with that proximity. There will be issues. C'est la vie; what can a person do but accept? He is the way he is, and life shaped him that way. I am thankful that I can be accommodating, because ONE of us has to be!
i'm worried for my youngest too, but funny I think she'll pull out better - yet she's so in danger being a female....
the eldest is wearing herself thin - she fell the other day, flat on her face, and I know that when we get tired, both mentally and physically and emotionally, we become uncoordinated and unfocused. I hope she takes a break.
I haven't heard from my granddaughter and this distance is killing me when it comes to her. I also worry for my parents' health and sanity. I wish at least one of my kids would either get lucky or just leave the area and grow somewhere else..
I am looking for new jobs and have started erasing my non-work presence online. I fear the mayhem and the madness that will come from trying to change my life yet again.
I dont' want to leave my dog!!! I want her with ME!!! but I dont want to settle for something substandard and/or dangerous either.
I am pretty sure having me closer is going to be more stressful on Oddity. I'm very certain of this fact, truth to tell. It will take another long period of time for him to be comfortable with that proximity. There will be issues. C'est la vie; what can a person do but accept? He is the way he is, and life shaped him that way. I am thankful that I can be accommodating, because ONE of us has to be!
Got two pairs of boots I like. one for dancing (professionally) so that i can wear them for the steamwerks ball, and one for regular stuff and perhaps dancing - they actually FIT me.
spent too much money. have to go into total scrooge mode for the next month to have money to spend at vacation w/Ray and his mom and to pay his mom back. I NEED to have at least $300 by July 9th.
but I want to get blue gauze or whatever that material is to make bloomers for my steamwerk outfit, blue bloomers and blue matching sleeves, and I have to get Lindsay to return the corset. I may have to make a tube top of blue too if I can't get that back....
and I need a pattern for the bloomers.
spent too much money. have to go into total scrooge mode for the next month to have money to spend at vacation w/Ray and his mom and to pay his mom back. I NEED to have at least $300 by July 9th.
but I want to get blue gauze or whatever that material is to make bloomers for my steamwerk outfit, blue bloomers and blue matching sleeves, and I have to get Lindsay to return the corset. I may have to make a tube top of blue too if I can't get that back....
and I need a pattern for the bloomers.
Wednesday
Esta manana, despues de dejar tiempo para la sinopsis fermentar en mi mente, pude terminar de ver "El Orfanato" dirijido por Guillermo Del Toro.
Que pelicula fanstastica. Es un deleite oir el accento espagnole - como hablan y enuncian las palabras, ajenas y familiares.
Ahora puedo verlo todo por completo, sin devolver en llantos de miedo y terror. Soy una cobarde con las peliculas de horror.
This morning, after giving the synopsis time to ferment in my mind, I finished watching "The Orphanage", directed by Guillermo Del Toro.
What a wonderful movie! It's a delight to hear the spanish accent - how the words are enunciated and spoken, both unknown and familiar vocabulary.
Now I could watch it again, complete, without falling apart in terror. I'm such a coward about horror movies.
Que pelicula fanstastica. Es un deleite oir el accento espagnole - como hablan y enuncian las palabras, ajenas y familiares.
Ahora puedo verlo todo por completo, sin devolver en llantos de miedo y terror. Soy una cobarde con las peliculas de horror.
This morning, after giving the synopsis time to ferment in my mind, I finished watching "The Orphanage", directed by Guillermo Del Toro.
What a wonderful movie! It's a delight to hear the spanish accent - how the words are enunciated and spoken, both unknown and familiar vocabulary.
Now I could watch it again, complete, without falling apart in terror. I'm such a coward about horror movies.
Saturday
I tried to watch The Orphanage Friday. It's a Spanish horror flick and I love anything done in Spanish, especially old Spanish cinema style. I, however, do NOT watch horror flicks or even read horror books, as I am far too impressionable and susceptible to suggestion.
Seriously. The atmospheric intensity of the movie, coupled with being alone at home (yes, full daylight and my dog was sitting next to me with no concern) threw me into hysterics during one scene so bad that I turned it off, called Capt A and freaked out. Crying and shaking. The works. Everything in the house was suddenly ominous. The hallway was suspect; the books in the bookcase across from the door in Capt A's room was a sinister, dangerous, foreboding presence.
Tried again with people in the house (simply could NOT watch alone anymore. I started to shake instantly) and hit another scene that threw me back into silent hysterics and trying to pause it, I totally lost the window.
That was okay. I ended up reading the synopsis of the movie on wikipedia; and so I will do so with any movie, as I've always done. I thought going into watching this movie without any previous information would show me why everyone flips out by knowing plot before watching or reading. Sorry. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS if I'm going to watch a movie like this. or you will have a totally hysterical shrieking me on your hands.
I still want to watch the movie through; but now I won't be so afraid as I know what will happen. It is VERY VERY VERY well done, by the way, and the story is pretty damn awesome.
But never again will I try to see a movie, especially something labeled horror, without knowing exactly what will happen. Just not built for that sort of suspense.
Seriously. The atmospheric intensity of the movie, coupled with being alone at home (yes, full daylight and my dog was sitting next to me with no concern) threw me into hysterics during one scene so bad that I turned it off, called Capt A and freaked out. Crying and shaking. The works. Everything in the house was suddenly ominous. The hallway was suspect; the books in the bookcase across from the door in Capt A's room was a sinister, dangerous, foreboding presence.
Tried again with people in the house (simply could NOT watch alone anymore. I started to shake instantly) and hit another scene that threw me back into silent hysterics and trying to pause it, I totally lost the window.
That was okay. I ended up reading the synopsis of the movie on wikipedia; and so I will do so with any movie, as I've always done. I thought going into watching this movie without any previous information would show me why everyone flips out by knowing plot before watching or reading. Sorry. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS if I'm going to watch a movie like this. or you will have a totally hysterical shrieking me on your hands.
I still want to watch the movie through; but now I won't be so afraid as I know what will happen. It is VERY VERY VERY well done, by the way, and the story is pretty damn awesome.
But never again will I try to see a movie, especially something labeled horror, without knowing exactly what will happen. Just not built for that sort of suspense.
Wednesday
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
THE little GIRL
Once upon a time in a city of rust, there was a baby girl born inside an abandoned building. So many years ago the sunshine kissed the windows. Now streams of light poked through broken glass while she cried. Born with an unwanted cross placed on her back at such a young age, the weight was too heavy. An eager heart felt the burden too. Life passes by so quickly, and what once was home was abandoned. Sunshine comes only once a week but she dances in the rain every day. Her feet hurt while she dances to song after song as she winces in pain. One by one, the boys try to save her. One by one they fall away from her. Like the lone tree she noticed once in a blue moon in the city that never sleeps, she also felt alone. One day the sky fell while she slept. her ground kissed the sky that filled with all of her tears. A rusted heart could feel no more pouring rain but sunshine pointed her to a city of dreams. Through a wooden covered bridge and lush green trees all around, new hope replaced all of her emptiness. Looking back into the mirror of life the little girl was reborn. Her smile made her face even more pretty than it ever was before. For she felt and knew in her heart. One day there will be a little boy who won't fall away.
THE little GIRL
Once upon a time in a city of rust, there was a baby girl born inside an abandoned building. So many years ago the sunshine kissed the windows. Now streams of light poked through broken glass while she cried. Born with an unwanted cross placed on her back at such a young age, the weight was too heavy. An eager heart felt the burden too. Life passes by so quickly, and what once was home was abandoned. Sunshine comes only once a week but she dances in the rain every day. Her feet hurt while she dances to song after song as she winces in pain. One by one, the boys try to save her. One by one they fall away from her. Like the lone tree she noticed once in a blue moon in the city that never sleeps, she also felt alone. One day the sky fell while she slept. her ground kissed the sky that filled with all of her tears. A rusted heart could feel no more pouring rain but sunshine pointed her to a city of dreams. Through a wooden covered bridge and lush green trees all around, new hope replaced all of her emptiness. Looking back into the mirror of life the little girl was reborn. Her smile made her face even more pretty than it ever was before. For she felt and knew in her heart. One day there will be a little boy who won't fall away.
Tuesday
I am a lucky woman. For all that I have had happen to me, I have a nice face, a good body, lack of serious health concerns, good job skills, so I'm always employable, adaptable, well-read, have a wonderful boyfriend currently, and I'm aging well. I've few prejudices and lots of understanding.
I don't remember all these things; the blessings of my life, the things for which I am and should always be grateful for. The things that I can smile about.
So some days I am less than lucid; I feel like I struggle through molasses and unable to motivate; but lately I am forcing my way through it, because letting it defeat me, even for a day, is a luxury I should have never allowed to happen.
Other days I'm sharp and clear, and can see/hear/understand for miles. I treasure those days.
I don't remember all these things; the blessings of my life, the things for which I am and should always be grateful for. The things that I can smile about.
So some days I am less than lucid; I feel like I struggle through molasses and unable to motivate; but lately I am forcing my way through it, because letting it defeat me, even for a day, is a luxury I should have never allowed to happen.
Other days I'm sharp and clear, and can see/hear/understand for miles. I treasure those days.
Saturday
Is it wrong to be proud of the fact that I can't really gain weight? That I can be as cut as I want to just by working out a little harder everyday (doesn't take much)? That I do have a pleasant face and good body for approaching 45, and that I can move as much as I do despite the injuries I've had? And that I don't age much - my genetic heritage is to be younger than my years. I'm proud of these things, but sometimes it feels so wrong. Not everyone's as lucky as I am in these points - but they are more self confident, perhaps, or they are lucid thinkers (I'm clear thinking about 10 days a month...) or can handle their finances (I certainly can't) and have more success in their lives - house, kids under control, car, job.....
sometimes I look at myself and see the goofy, slightly out of shape, saggy woman with poor mental acuity 75% of the time and no luck in the 'grown-up' world; sometimes I catch myself in wonder at the cute/elegant woman in the mirror with a clear perspective and acceptance of her life and satisfaction with what she does possess.
I just have to remember it's only chemical...
sometimes I look at myself and see the goofy, slightly out of shape, saggy woman with poor mental acuity 75% of the time and no luck in the 'grown-up' world; sometimes I catch myself in wonder at the cute/elegant woman in the mirror with a clear perspective and acceptance of her life and satisfaction with what she does possess.
I just have to remember it's only chemical...
Thursday
olive skin next to rosy hue
your breath defines my world
yea. i'm obsessed. it has its highs and its lows. I have to be so very careful of my emotions; they veer wildly out of control with little provocation.
all i want to do lately is write about him. sheesh.
I live in his skin
his heart beats in my chest
your breath defines my world
yea. i'm obsessed. it has its highs and its lows. I have to be so very careful of my emotions; they veer wildly out of control with little provocation.
all i want to do lately is write about him. sheesh.
I live in his skin
his heart beats in my chest
analyzing my anxiety attack on tuesday, and part of it was the unfortunate price I pay for obsession. not much I can really do about it once it has taken hold; i have to nip it in the bud early for it not to trigger an episode like tuesday.
that with the rain and cold (I HATE the cold; no one understands how much it actually physically hurts - my skin hurts, my bones hurt, my joints hurt, everything hurts when I'm cold) plus having two papers due that I had barely really worked on - and the overwhelming desire NOT to face work - all those factors played into Tuesday's episode.
I drank about a full glass of rum to calm down; I did not get drunk, which is improbable as a shot makes me tipsy. my metabolism must have been overclocking; I was also constantly eating and could not feed myself enough. I could not stay still and when I did it was a maelstorm of noise and pain and emotion.
yea, don't want it happening again. could have been the food i ate over the weekend, too; which would mean that my body's extremely sensitive and THAT, my friends, is total fuckedupedness.
that with the rain and cold (I HATE the cold; no one understands how much it actually physically hurts - my skin hurts, my bones hurt, my joints hurt, everything hurts when I'm cold) plus having two papers due that I had barely really worked on - and the overwhelming desire NOT to face work - all those factors played into Tuesday's episode.
I drank about a full glass of rum to calm down; I did not get drunk, which is improbable as a shot makes me tipsy. my metabolism must have been overclocking; I was also constantly eating and could not feed myself enough. I could not stay still and when I did it was a maelstorm of noise and pain and emotion.
yea, don't want it happening again. could have been the food i ate over the weekend, too; which would mean that my body's extremely sensitive and THAT, my friends, is total fuckedupedness.
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