I resented him, sometimes. I knew he was needy for a reason - brain tumors, increasing pain from a back injury from a job, coupled with the desire not to be dependent on anyone and to be alone - I understood this. Sometimes my life doesn't allow me to be where I am needed by people, and I do resent that.
He committed suicide. He called me to be there. And now, I am haunted that I could not be more for him. He was just a friend, a guy who was bitter at how life had treated him, what it had handed to him, how it had left him. I see him everywhere now (which can be just the drawbacks of a small town). I see him at the Weis, at the restaurant I work, walking up the block painfully, or at the top of the stairs, asking for some assistance. He was lonely, and sometimes I feel I let him down.
I was there for him when it was worth it, though. I cared for him through his attempt at suicide, and then his body just gave out, and I found him there, cold, stiff, lavender skinned. I helped dispose of his effects.
In a sense, I'm glad I am haunted by him. I am glad I knew him. I am glad I found out about him. I am sorry his life became what it was these last few years. He is at peace now.
Tuesday
Sunday
Dream: Horror/haunted house thing. Rooms, kitchen, darkness, storm, fear, love, loss multi-dimensional?
room to room was different places. Love was older Al Pacino look alike, felt like Oddity. Abrasive, self-involved and negative. lost him in one of the rooms - death. Thing came to explain. I left the house/building. Had to take a bus back. Bus route was strange, lead through desolated areas. returned to house to get lover. Thing had return, we encountered rest of us. I sat on lover's lap, he was irritated, upset, angry. Thing explained, and outburst from lover: I've wasted so much time instead of loving you, appreciating what I had! I turned and kissed him, crying, holding him, telling him I loved him and woudl always love him. he held me; that was the last time I saw him. Could not find the house anymore and the bus route changed. dream ended with me and my dog continuing to search for the building, to see him once more.
room to room was different places. Love was older Al Pacino look alike, felt like Oddity. Abrasive, self-involved and negative. lost him in one of the rooms - death. Thing came to explain. I left the house/building. Had to take a bus back. Bus route was strange, lead through desolated areas. returned to house to get lover. Thing had return, we encountered rest of us. I sat on lover's lap, he was irritated, upset, angry. Thing explained, and outburst from lover: I've wasted so much time instead of loving you, appreciating what I had! I turned and kissed him, crying, holding him, telling him I loved him and woudl always love him. he held me; that was the last time I saw him. Could not find the house anymore and the bus route changed. dream ended with me and my dog continuing to search for the building, to see him once more.
Wednesday
I love my kids. They are all adults, and I miss them terribly. They all have their own lives, and the trajectories diverge greatly from each other. I wish my son were near me, and/or my youngest and her husband and son. Perhaps one or both might visit.... My eldest is quite settled at the moment with a good job and her daughter. I do wish she lived near me; I would like to influence my granddaughter more. Added advantage of them being near me is far from the influence of the religion my parents raised me in...
I'm so very tired. I've been burning the candle at both ends for a bit and now am feeling it; plus I really truly hate the cold. To escape the cold, however, would be to leave the few connections I have here, the friends I've made. Yet, I yearn for a day where I'd be accountable to no one, where I could just do whatever I wanted, go wherever I wish, without ever having to refer to anyone else. Most people would call that loneliness (and with good reason); for me, it would almost be heaven (oh, all the books I'd read and wings I'd eat!)
I'll have to make it a point to walk the dog despite the cold. I wear about a pound of clothing just to go out in weather under 50 degrees; and I'm not truly comfortable until the weather's about 80. oh well.
need to write more. perhaps, now is the time. That is, now that the cold has me trapped!
I'm so very tired. I've been burning the candle at both ends for a bit and now am feeling it; plus I really truly hate the cold. To escape the cold, however, would be to leave the few connections I have here, the friends I've made. Yet, I yearn for a day where I'd be accountable to no one, where I could just do whatever I wanted, go wherever I wish, without ever having to refer to anyone else. Most people would call that loneliness (and with good reason); for me, it would almost be heaven (oh, all the books I'd read and wings I'd eat!)
I'll have to make it a point to walk the dog despite the cold. I wear about a pound of clothing just to go out in weather under 50 degrees; and I'm not truly comfortable until the weather's about 80. oh well.
need to write more. perhaps, now is the time. That is, now that the cold has me trapped!
Friday
So, last night something happened that hasn't really happened to me since I was a teen at home. The bed moved/swayed/rocked. Physically moved. I thought perhaps a cat or my dog had come into the room, but the door was closed and there were no animals in the room. Ok.. then perhaps wind? No.. the plastic on my windows have been still. Hrm.. could it be a mild earth tremor? Nothing in the news today. I turned off the lights and it happened again. So I slept with my light on, wondering why it was happening.
This used to scare me alot as a kid 'cause I was brought up in a religion that strongly believed in physical demonic manifestations. I do not believe in that today, and often have to talk my brain and reactions down from the superstitious bullshit I was brought up with. Not to mention the extremely fertile imagination I was blessed/cursed with. Especially since I'm reading Cthluthlu mythos literature now...
I am going to believe that something done in the other house (the same kind of room shares my wall in my room in the attic) may have caused the mild rocking/swaying motion in my bed. There were other small noises, that seemed to be attributable to settling house syndrome, that lead me to believe that may have been the case. But damned if I really hate not knowing WHY my bed moved. And it moved; it swayed. Grrr.
Oh, and I sleep alone.
This used to scare me alot as a kid 'cause I was brought up in a religion that strongly believed in physical demonic manifestations. I do not believe in that today, and often have to talk my brain and reactions down from the superstitious bullshit I was brought up with. Not to mention the extremely fertile imagination I was blessed/cursed with. Especially since I'm reading Cthluthlu mythos literature now...
I am going to believe that something done in the other house (the same kind of room shares my wall in my room in the attic) may have caused the mild rocking/swaying motion in my bed. There were other small noises, that seemed to be attributable to settling house syndrome, that lead me to believe that may have been the case. But damned if I really hate not knowing WHY my bed moved. And it moved; it swayed. Grrr.
Oh, and I sleep alone.
This is hysterical and not at all funny. I am having waves of anxiety attacks (fear, sweats, shakes, tears, cloudy thinking, feeling ill, lightheaded, brief headaches) over going to NY. I went home from work (which should have distracted me) because I was shaking and feared dropping another glass or getting in someone's way. I could not think straight. I still can't, and I'm in my own home. What the hell?
I can think of a few reasons: One, I am here in my comfort zone. I hated NYC and my life there (PTSD?) and even visiting is stressful. Two, I hate having my routine disrupted (spending five - six days away from my house, my room, my dog...). Three, Traveling with someone else (Oddity is every bit as stressful as my dad when traveling). Four, it's cold. I want to see VNV nation; I WANT to see my grandchildren. I miss my parents. I want to see Abuelita Yia. My daughters want to see me; my son needs me.
And I want to turn tail and run into my room, under my bed and not come out at all. AT ALL. I want to just go to work and go home and stay home and stay here. This is not the mature, considered actions of a grown woman; this is outright fear in the mind and body of a menopausal bipolar woman.
I'm hoping I don't make this any worse than it has to be; I hope I don't stress Oddity out or my parents or my kids. But it feels like the entire thing (not even started) is killing me.
Edit: yep, seems it's PTSD.. and it figures. NY has been the scene of the worst of my life and the whole 9/11 thing adds to the crappiness. Stands to reason that since I spent 40 yrs of my life there, I'll feel such an aversion to returning. I've not suffered any terrible thing in the two other cities I've lived in. I just have to survive this and be happy I'm seeing my grandchildren.
I can think of a few reasons: One, I am here in my comfort zone. I hated NYC and my life there (PTSD?) and even visiting is stressful. Two, I hate having my routine disrupted (spending five - six days away from my house, my room, my dog...). Three, Traveling with someone else (Oddity is every bit as stressful as my dad when traveling). Four, it's cold. I want to see VNV nation; I WANT to see my grandchildren. I miss my parents. I want to see Abuelita Yia. My daughters want to see me; my son needs me.
And I want to turn tail and run into my room, under my bed and not come out at all. AT ALL. I want to just go to work and go home and stay home and stay here. This is not the mature, considered actions of a grown woman; this is outright fear in the mind and body of a menopausal bipolar woman.
I'm hoping I don't make this any worse than it has to be; I hope I don't stress Oddity out or my parents or my kids. But it feels like the entire thing (not even started) is killing me.
Edit: yep, seems it's PTSD.. and it figures. NY has been the scene of the worst of my life and the whole 9/11 thing adds to the crappiness. Stands to reason that since I spent 40 yrs of my life there, I'll feel such an aversion to returning. I've not suffered any terrible thing in the two other cities I've lived in. I just have to survive this and be happy I'm seeing my grandchildren.
Sunday
Again, lots of upheavals. Purcell died in NYC, in his sleep. I've known him for almost 20 years. Chris Alvarado passed away in a hospital, of colon cancer. I've known him for almost 20 years. It feels like I'm on a collision course with mortality...
Moved from Thorne's to Gypsy's house. I've tons more room and want to be rid of most of my stuff; wish I could just can the whole thing but there are things I do need.
My kids are in upheaval too; the house where Ebo has an apartment has been sold, her dad was sleeping over and he's back on Pot (damn him!!! shit, I had hoped he was done with pot smoking!) and disrespecting my daughter's house rules about smoking in the house... my son is trying to make his job work and I think has a girlfriend - that is, she seems to be, and I'm hoping she can see past his problems. And Teri had to move out of the apartment she was in, things were stored in NY, she is in a room without her child, who is at her sister in law's house.
My parents are aging, my grandmama - Yia, the last of them - is dying, my aunt Hilda and my uncle Lile both died this year.
And my job ends 9/30/11. I am a wee bit scared.
Oh, yea and I have full blown IBS. EVERY FUCKING THING I EAT makes me sick.. okay, not everything, but many things supposedly good for your health will make me miserable and prevent my body from absorbing necessary nutrients.... Well, at least I know what it is now and can work with it.
Moved from Thorne's to Gypsy's house. I've tons more room and want to be rid of most of my stuff; wish I could just can the whole thing but there are things I do need.
My kids are in upheaval too; the house where Ebo has an apartment has been sold, her dad was sleeping over and he's back on Pot (damn him!!! shit, I had hoped he was done with pot smoking!) and disrespecting my daughter's house rules about smoking in the house... my son is trying to make his job work and I think has a girlfriend - that is, she seems to be, and I'm hoping she can see past his problems. And Teri had to move out of the apartment she was in, things were stored in NY, she is in a room without her child, who is at her sister in law's house.
My parents are aging, my grandmama - Yia, the last of them - is dying, my aunt Hilda and my uncle Lile both died this year.
And my job ends 9/30/11. I am a wee bit scared.
Oh, yea and I have full blown IBS. EVERY FUCKING THING I EAT makes me sick.. okay, not everything, but many things supposedly good for your health will make me miserable and prevent my body from absorbing necessary nutrients.... Well, at least I know what it is now and can work with it.
Saturday
I know I'm exhausted, and I know I'm scared shitless about driving, and I know I'm feeling sad over Oddity and his inability to show basic human kindness to me. I know I should not have taken Alleve (1x/12 hrs for last 36 hrs) because for some reason painkillers seem to lend themselves to enhance my hallucinations.
There was a crackle then a loud 'pop' in the room just about 20 minutes ago. I screamed and now I can't sleep. I keep seeing shadows flit (in full light, all five of them) over everything in my room, either smokey or foggy or just shadowy. I know most of what I am hearing is the house settling for the night, but it is taking on a more sinister meaning. I don't want to hear the voices. I hate the whispering from the walls.
Who do I call when no one seems to believe this happens to me? I'm grown and I don't need this happening now. I'm scared and crying and really feel hopeless because this is from inside me and I can't stop it. I'm so tired....
Behind me, it sounds like something is moving. Behind me is the shelved closet, and I know, objectively, it is just a settling noise. Or perhaps squirrels in the walls between the houses. But it is making the hairs stand on end up and down my back.
You know what? I think there IS something in the wall. I wish they kept human sleep hours...
20 minutes after that post, I began to feel horribly ill. nauseous, dizzy, hot and cold and ran to the bathroom after drinking water. No vomit though (I strive mightily to never ever throw up). And after about 8 oz of water and the expelling of gas instead of vomit (I don't burp, I don't know why) I am feeling more settled and less ... how shall I say it? I feel more rooted in reality. Will have to suffer pain,'cause it seems painkillers and I do not get along. sheesh. I can sleep now. The walls have returned to normal and there is no longe any smoky shadows flickering. Hrm....
There was a crackle then a loud 'pop' in the room just about 20 minutes ago. I screamed and now I can't sleep. I keep seeing shadows flit (in full light, all five of them) over everything in my room, either smokey or foggy or just shadowy. I know most of what I am hearing is the house settling for the night, but it is taking on a more sinister meaning. I don't want to hear the voices. I hate the whispering from the walls.
Who do I call when no one seems to believe this happens to me? I'm grown and I don't need this happening now. I'm scared and crying and really feel hopeless because this is from inside me and I can't stop it. I'm so tired....
Behind me, it sounds like something is moving. Behind me is the shelved closet, and I know, objectively, it is just a settling noise. Or perhaps squirrels in the walls between the houses. But it is making the hairs stand on end up and down my back.
You know what? I think there IS something in the wall. I wish they kept human sleep hours...
20 minutes after that post, I began to feel horribly ill. nauseous, dizzy, hot and cold and ran to the bathroom after drinking water. No vomit though (I strive mightily to never ever throw up). And after about 8 oz of water and the expelling of gas instead of vomit (I don't burp, I don't know why) I am feeling more settled and less ... how shall I say it? I feel more rooted in reality. Will have to suffer pain,'cause it seems painkillers and I do not get along. sheesh. I can sleep now. The walls have returned to normal and there is no longe any smoky shadows flickering. Hrm....
Tuesday
It is the first time in years that I have felt like this, as if I couldnt face the day. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to deal with the sorrow, the fear, the pain, the horror of my grandson in the custody of children services. There is no reason or rhyme, no need for this to be happening to my daughter.
Between that and the cancer that was found in my sister in law; with that and the festering stupidity of my father and my brother in this case; that and the fear of losing my son as well; that and this horrible job with the catty backbiting bitches from hell; all I want to do is run away. or die. I know what my mother feels.
Between that and the cancer that was found in my sister in law; with that and the festering stupidity of my father and my brother in this case; that and the fear of losing my son as well; that and this horrible job with the catty backbiting bitches from hell; all I want to do is run away. or die. I know what my mother feels.
Thursday
Oh My God sometimes I hate my family. Today my mother calls me; she sent 200 to my daughter to get a baby carriage, because ACS is threatening to take my new grandson away from his mother for whatever reason and my daughter flaked out. SHE JUST GAVE BIRTH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! WHY THE FUCK IS ACS HARRASSING HER??? So this wiped my mom's money out. Meanwhile, Dad is being an asshole to my mom; my brother is a fucking jerk to everyone, his poor wonderful wife is constantly in tears over his shit and SHE has cancer!!! WTF is wrong with the men in my family??? We haven't even GOTTEN to my son and his assholery.....
My mother was in tears today. Sobbing on the phone wishing she were dead to escape this hell. I am thinking of giving up my life in Lancaster to go to my youngest daughter and help her with her son; anything not to lose my grandson. I hate ACS and all government children service agencies. And my own boyfriend doesn't or cannot understand this, and struggles to just say one nice thing....
And the roof is leaking at Capt A's, and I can't help but blame myself for leaving. My dog needs me and I cna't be with her. or with my daughter. or with my granddaughter - unless I give up trying to live a normal life.
I know what my mother is feeling, and she's feeling 100x worse than I am. I know there's something I can do, but it does mean giving up living a normal life. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.
My mother was in tears today. Sobbing on the phone wishing she were dead to escape this hell. I am thinking of giving up my life in Lancaster to go to my youngest daughter and help her with her son; anything not to lose my grandson. I hate ACS and all government children service agencies. And my own boyfriend doesn't or cannot understand this, and struggles to just say one nice thing....
And the roof is leaking at Capt A's, and I can't help but blame myself for leaving. My dog needs me and I cna't be with her. or with my daughter. or with my granddaughter - unless I give up trying to live a normal life.
I know what my mother is feeling, and she's feeling 100x worse than I am. I know there's something I can do, but it does mean giving up living a normal life. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.
Saturday
My sister in law - the cool one, the good one, the one that loves me, the one my granddaughter calls mommy - has breast cancer. My youngest brother's wife. How is it that this person, who is so full of love and goodness, gets cancer, and the rest of us unrepentant dangerous living sinners get nothing?? WTF?
Mom calls it 'life bombs', when things happen that shake our world.
Teribaby's due to give birth any day between now and Oct 6. Her 'husband' wants me to stay over but I have a job. Love the job. Want to keep it. But I will see her and he in a week's time.
And then I'll visit my family in NY. Ebo's doing fine, with Kenny and Ivy. I can't wait to sit with Ivy and talk with her! Visit with my son and meet his older woman girlfriend, and try to convince the man he's becoming to avoid the street more... sigh.
My roommate is way freaking cool. She and I are much more alike than I thought.
My BFF Gypsy makes me happy. My BFF Bean and her life is.. I can't NOT like it... though it is very convoluted!
And my RayZOR... how I wish he's just STOP BEING so tetchy and crotchety... LOL but it's comforting even as it annoys me. Wierd.
I know a few people who are single who are loveable, but who's characters/personalities make it difficult. And sometimes I think they don't give someone a chance to come in for whatever reasons. I hope they find who will truly appreciate them.
Mom calls it 'life bombs', when things happen that shake our world.
Teribaby's due to give birth any day between now and Oct 6. Her 'husband' wants me to stay over but I have a job. Love the job. Want to keep it. But I will see her and he in a week's time.
And then I'll visit my family in NY. Ebo's doing fine, with Kenny and Ivy. I can't wait to sit with Ivy and talk with her! Visit with my son and meet his older woman girlfriend, and try to convince the man he's becoming to avoid the street more... sigh.
My roommate is way freaking cool. She and I are much more alike than I thought.
My BFF Gypsy makes me happy. My BFF Bean and her life is.. I can't NOT like it... though it is very convoluted!
And my RayZOR... how I wish he's just STOP BEING so tetchy and crotchety... LOL but it's comforting even as it annoys me. Wierd.
I know a few people who are single who are loveable, but who's characters/personalities make it difficult. And sometimes I think they don't give someone a chance to come in for whatever reasons. I hope they find who will truly appreciate them.
Friday
I look like my mom more and more.
How unfair that all my mom's memories and experiences die with her. All that she was is unknown to her kids.
We all live within a vacuum - our experiences and how they mark, shape and affect us are all trapped within us. Many try to write it out but... how can anyone know?
Do I want to know what my mother's experiences and life was/is like? Yes. I wish we didn't lose the breadth and richness of experience of our ancestors when they passed on. I know my children only know part of me... they will not know all of what I have experienced and learned. I wish I could know my mom's life before me. I wish I could know my daughters' lives... I wish they could know mine.
How unfair that all my mom's memories and experiences die with her. All that she was is unknown to her kids.
We all live within a vacuum - our experiences and how they mark, shape and affect us are all trapped within us. Many try to write it out but... how can anyone know?
Do I want to know what my mother's experiences and life was/is like? Yes. I wish we didn't lose the breadth and richness of experience of our ancestors when they passed on. I know my children only know part of me... they will not know all of what I have experienced and learned. I wish I could know my mom's life before me. I wish I could know my daughters' lives... I wish they could know mine.
Monday
Fearful, now,. Truly. A friend lost the job he just acquired. Jobs are scarce, and I see all the possible signs to a great depression, globally. What happened? Why can't we dig out of this? Why did I ever have kids, to have to suffer through this? I do not want to fall into despair. I have to hope we can survive.
Wednesday
I write this here, because I have no one else to blame but myself, and I'm not going to ask for anyone's help.
The money I had set aside for rent, I sent to make sure my son wasn't killed. I now have nothing to pay for rent, and it is due this weekend. I also haven't got the payment for my insurance, and it is due this weekend.
Should I not have paid off my son's drug debt? Probably not, but I couldn't live with myself thinking he'd be shot or beat to death. Should I have made a greater effort to find work between April 19th and May 6th? considering that I did everything I could except get a low paying job in a restaurant, I think I did the best I could, especially since the Census office here wanted me available - but I do wish they had taken me on immediately after the QACs closed on April 19th.
I may have to wait three weeks for my first paycheck, or it may come on the 18th. By then, I am thinking I will have a couple of overcharges to my account. Of course, I can call the gym in the AM and have them hold my account for a month, but I don't know if I'm in time. I can also 'claim' my card missing, but really, I'm not a good liar like that.
I will call the insurance company in the am and the gym and see what I can do. I can, perhaps, also call my bank to see if any new charges can be held until the 18th, and find out from the Census Bureau when my new pay starts. But since I got paid the 19th on May 4th, I don't hold out much hope.
Dammit all to hell.
The money I had set aside for rent, I sent to make sure my son wasn't killed. I now have nothing to pay for rent, and it is due this weekend. I also haven't got the payment for my insurance, and it is due this weekend.
Should I not have paid off my son's drug debt? Probably not, but I couldn't live with myself thinking he'd be shot or beat to death. Should I have made a greater effort to find work between April 19th and May 6th? considering that I did everything I could except get a low paying job in a restaurant, I think I did the best I could, especially since the Census office here wanted me available - but I do wish they had taken me on immediately after the QACs closed on April 19th.
I may have to wait three weeks for my first paycheck, or it may come on the 18th. By then, I am thinking I will have a couple of overcharges to my account. Of course, I can call the gym in the AM and have them hold my account for a month, but I don't know if I'm in time. I can also 'claim' my card missing, but really, I'm not a good liar like that.
I will call the insurance company in the am and the gym and see what I can do. I can, perhaps, also call my bank to see if any new charges can be held until the 18th, and find out from the Census Bureau when my new pay starts. But since I got paid the 19th on May 4th, I don't hold out much hope.
Dammit all to hell.
Thursday
I have the creepy crawlies. I don't know if it's fleas (but I see/find none), bed bugs (no indication AT ALL and I'm actively searching), head lice (no sign), allergic reaction to my own hair/my dog's hair (could be, it's turning into spring and any of my allergies pounce about now) or just stress (the combination of stress-induced allergies is loads of fun).
I can physically feel the things crawling on my skin and there's nothing there. Sometimes it's under my skin. Like littler critters, wriggling along. GAH! Hate this. Called it ghostbugs too.
I'm moving. I've alot of cleanup to do prior. and I've not gotten to any of it yet. The job is stressing me out - the one I have now and the future lack of one. My phone's dead thanks to my forgetting the charger at Oddity's. so I've not heard from my kids and THAT's stressing me out.
Capt A's phone is dead too. His birthday's today. I can't make it to the dinner 'cause I have to work. GRRRRRRRRR.
I can physically feel the things crawling on my skin and there's nothing there. Sometimes it's under my skin. Like littler critters, wriggling along. GAH! Hate this. Called it ghostbugs too.
I'm moving. I've alot of cleanup to do prior. and I've not gotten to any of it yet. The job is stressing me out - the one I have now and the future lack of one. My phone's dead thanks to my forgetting the charger at Oddity's. so I've not heard from my kids and THAT's stressing me out.
Capt A's phone is dead too. His birthday's today. I can't make it to the dinner 'cause I have to work. GRRRRRRRRR.
Tuesday
So, new life changes.
I'm moving finally to Lancaster. I'm moving in with a friend and still rather desperately looking for work. I forgot my charger at Oddity's and I NEED my phone to be working for any job calls!!! so dumb somtimes.
I have to get rid (not reduce - rid!) myself of all my clutter. I want to learn french so bad I can taste it but I can't seem to devote the time needed to learn it on my own. I have a movie to watch that I just can't sit still long enough to watch - and it's something I WANT to watch! My last week of work is next week and the clutter on my desk is never-ending....
I love Oddity. Let me state for the record that the only reason I'm NOT moving in with him is that we can't, yet, co-abide. I have to learn to declutter, and he has to accept a little less space. We have things to work out. And I want to provide a space for my youngest to come up so I can help her with her pregnancy and baby - can't do that living with my friend or with Ray. It's going to get hairy.
But that's okay.
and Oddity writes on his Myspace:
" Marching forward
Current mood: loved
March 1st.
I'm excited.
First, an excerpt from Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards
" just because you're going forward..does'nt mean i'm going backwards! "
Kicking off the month this weekend with Shadowland. Love it !!
The big news, my girlfriend of 1 year and 10 months is finally making the move from york PA to Lancaster PA. We will be living only about 5 minutes apart, deciding it was best not to live together right from the start. We are mostly adjusted to each other but still learning. I have been on my own for 21 of the past 24 years.
We are different in the way we live at home, but nothing dramatic. She is a morning person, i am not. I like space when i first get home from work. I like my place clean and organized. Nerva is making several sacrifices to be with me and i know it will be hard at first. I will do anything i can to make her transition as comfy as i can.
But we will finally be closer together, free from the shackles of not seeing each other during the week. For the first time in my life i have found my other half. Someone who gets me and loves me despite my weaknesses. I am very lucky and i feel this is special. I never really knew exactly what love is, but this feels right. It is a wonderful feeling and i have waited a long time. Wish us luck !! "
oh gods, I love this man. I love him in all his moods, in all his rants and meltdowns and joy and strangeness. I am happy to wait, but we will be one. He makes me so happy.
I'm excited.
I'm moving finally to Lancaster. I'm moving in with a friend and still rather desperately looking for work. I forgot my charger at Oddity's and I NEED my phone to be working for any job calls!!! so dumb somtimes.
I have to get rid (not reduce - rid!) myself of all my clutter. I want to learn french so bad I can taste it but I can't seem to devote the time needed to learn it on my own. I have a movie to watch that I just can't sit still long enough to watch - and it's something I WANT to watch! My last week of work is next week and the clutter on my desk is never-ending....
I love Oddity. Let me state for the record that the only reason I'm NOT moving in with him is that we can't, yet, co-abide. I have to learn to declutter, and he has to accept a little less space. We have things to work out. And I want to provide a space for my youngest to come up so I can help her with her pregnancy and baby - can't do that living with my friend or with Ray. It's going to get hairy.
But that's okay.
and Oddity writes on his Myspace:
" Marching forward
Current mood: loved
March 1st.
I'm excited.
First, an excerpt from Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards
" just because you're going forward..does'nt mean i'm going backwards! "
Kicking off the month this weekend with Shadowland. Love it !!
The big news, my girlfriend of 1 year and 10 months is finally making the move from york PA to Lancaster PA. We will be living only about 5 minutes apart, deciding it was best not to live together right from the start. We are mostly adjusted to each other but still learning. I have been on my own for 21 of the past 24 years.
We are different in the way we live at home, but nothing dramatic. She is a morning person, i am not. I like space when i first get home from work. I like my place clean and organized. Nerva is making several sacrifices to be with me and i know it will be hard at first. I will do anything i can to make her transition as comfy as i can.
But we will finally be closer together, free from the shackles of not seeing each other during the week. For the first time in my life i have found my other half. Someone who gets me and loves me despite my weaknesses. I am very lucky and i feel this is special. I never really knew exactly what love is, but this feels right. It is a wonderful feeling and i have waited a long time. Wish us luck !! "
oh gods, I love this man. I love him in all his moods, in all his rants and meltdowns and joy and strangeness. I am happy to wait, but we will be one. He makes me so happy.
I'm excited.
Wednesday
my youngest daughter is pregnant. my son is fighting against heroin. my first son-in-law is going to jail for defending himself. my eldest is working fulltime AND fulltime school. my granddaughters sounds far too old.
and oddity writes:
"Thinking of you
It's heaven and blue
My heart beats
Wherever you are.
Does'nt matter
If it's near or far
This is my destiny
This is my love.
With you
I am complete."
wow.
and oddity writes:
"Thinking of you
It's heaven and blue
My heart beats
Wherever you are.
Does'nt matter
If it's near or far
This is my destiny
This is my love.
With you
I am complete."
wow.
the things I see:
An angry squirrel (Foamy?) in the water and dust marks on the silver lid of the trashcan in the bathroom. He's looking straight at me.
a face in the carpeting of my floor - it's a stick figure, really, oval head, one large straight thick dash for one eye, a thinner dash for the other, and it's glaring at me.
faces in the wall of the bathroom
eyes on the walls of the bedroom
eyes in the foam of the soap while I'm washing
things move when I'm not watching them directly.
The marks on the walls vibrate and 'speak'
I can hear the things in the walls everywhere I go. but they're not the rats or mice or stuff.
Funny thing is that the stuff others would be afraid of - the plush bats and spiders and the bloody handprints and fake spiders I have all over my room - they don't move, or talk, or make faces, or anything. They are inert. It's the stuff that is normal that my brain warps.
An angry squirrel (Foamy?) in the water and dust marks on the silver lid of the trashcan in the bathroom. He's looking straight at me.
a face in the carpeting of my floor - it's a stick figure, really, oval head, one large straight thick dash for one eye, a thinner dash for the other, and it's glaring at me.
faces in the wall of the bathroom
eyes on the walls of the bedroom
eyes in the foam of the soap while I'm washing
things move when I'm not watching them directly.
The marks on the walls vibrate and 'speak'
I can hear the things in the walls everywhere I go. but they're not the rats or mice or stuff.
Funny thing is that the stuff others would be afraid of - the plush bats and spiders and the bloody handprints and fake spiders I have all over my room - they don't move, or talk, or make faces, or anything. They are inert. It's the stuff that is normal that my brain warps.
Thursday
oh oh oh he called me his soulmate. I am his soulmate. He is mine.
Tuesday I had an anxiety attack. the biggest thing was this inability to make a decision and I could not sit still to save my life, but I could NOT walk out the door. Stayed home. Hope it doesn't increase.
Leaving the job either feb 28 or 3/15. I should do it 3/15. but I gave myself the weekend to think about it. I scheduled for a census test on Saturday and now I want to stay and work at my job... drat it all!!!
my friend invited me to dreamation but it's so close to NY, so far from here. and I want to dance.
and all the things, and worlds, and voices, and eyes, inside me clamour for my attention.
Tuesday I had an anxiety attack. the biggest thing was this inability to make a decision and I could not sit still to save my life, but I could NOT walk out the door. Stayed home. Hope it doesn't increase.
Leaving the job either feb 28 or 3/15. I should do it 3/15. but I gave myself the weekend to think about it. I scheduled for a census test on Saturday and now I want to stay and work at my job... drat it all!!!
my friend invited me to dreamation but it's so close to NY, so far from here. and I want to dance.
and all the things, and worlds, and voices, and eyes, inside me clamour for my attention.
Tuesday
my oddity, my Ray, has done it again. with words printed on a screen, he's made me feel his love, like no one else ever has ... it is a heady, humbling, incredible feeling to know he loves me as I love him.
WHEN BIRDS SINGS
Hundreds of days without her
but yet i smile quietly as never before
with memories filling like weekends
Her lips so full
never leave me empty
but always begging for more
The days approach endlessly
when rivers cross
and we meet on the other side
This is when the lights will shine
when sun and moon converge
bringing two hearts together
Always in my arms
it's where i want her to be
never letting go, never far away
This was always a dream
a slice of heaven
and soon she will arrive
I'll be waiting
with my heart in my hand
and love in her eyes
I smile quietly, happily
we've come a long way
and this is where we will meet
As winter grows into spring
when birds sing the most
together we'll stand in sunshine
WHEN BIRDS SINGS
Hundreds of days without her
but yet i smile quietly as never before
with memories filling like weekends
Her lips so full
never leave me empty
but always begging for more
The days approach endlessly
when rivers cross
and we meet on the other side
This is when the lights will shine
when sun and moon converge
bringing two hearts together
Always in my arms
it's where i want her to be
never letting go, never far away
This was always a dream
a slice of heaven
and soon she will arrive
I'll be waiting
with my heart in my hand
and love in her eyes
I smile quietly, happily
we've come a long way
and this is where we will meet
As winter grows into spring
when birds sing the most
together we'll stand in sunshine
Friday
I'm glad I'm not defined by my illness or my body's wierdnesses. I'm glad I tried, hard, to not be defineable at all. I remember that Capt A told me that I was 'unpigeonholeable'. I like that.
I don't know if I'm still like that, but I'm not usual. I'm not run of the mill. Why be like everyone else? You are a compilation of experiences so unique to you that no one will ever be like you - and so, you are unique.
I like that while the mental and emotional freakouts are gone, I still have this tenuous attachment to reality. I like that I feel so deeply that sometimes it feels like a storm, violent and chaotic, whether that feeling is anger or hatred or love or sadness or desire or just joy. I wonder what I'll be like during the menopausal period.
I like going grey. I wish it would be a tad faster - I admire my co-worker's full head of grey hair, so pretty. On the other hand, while I can say I hate my hair, it IS pretty cool, curling and full and dark with light patches. I look much better in long hair (really; but short hair is so much more convenient in winter....)
I like my body. I can say it here, I hope: I am so freaking glad that I don't gain weight all that easily. I love the slim lines - and yes, age is putting sag and fat into places I'm not accustomed to seeing like that, but that's the way it is.
I dislike the pain I feel almost constantly but I also feel this is me, living. This is my experiences and physical proof of my life; the good and the bad, the activity and the injuries. My hips hurt all the time, sitting is REALLY painful, I walk far too much and my upper back and shoulders and neck are feeling the effects of forceful meetings with cars and wrestling with my friends. My knees, THANKFULLY, do not bother me. My lower back, while occasionally fretful, is doing well. I wish my digestion weren't so freaky, but eh. Small price to pay to remain slender, at least in my opinion. :)
off to work. more to come.
I don't know if I'm still like that, but I'm not usual. I'm not run of the mill. Why be like everyone else? You are a compilation of experiences so unique to you that no one will ever be like you - and so, you are unique.
I like that while the mental and emotional freakouts are gone, I still have this tenuous attachment to reality. I like that I feel so deeply that sometimes it feels like a storm, violent and chaotic, whether that feeling is anger or hatred or love or sadness or desire or just joy. I wonder what I'll be like during the menopausal period.
I like going grey. I wish it would be a tad faster - I admire my co-worker's full head of grey hair, so pretty. On the other hand, while I can say I hate my hair, it IS pretty cool, curling and full and dark with light patches. I look much better in long hair (really; but short hair is so much more convenient in winter....)
I like my body. I can say it here, I hope: I am so freaking glad that I don't gain weight all that easily. I love the slim lines - and yes, age is putting sag and fat into places I'm not accustomed to seeing like that, but that's the way it is.
I dislike the pain I feel almost constantly but I also feel this is me, living. This is my experiences and physical proof of my life; the good and the bad, the activity and the injuries. My hips hurt all the time, sitting is REALLY painful, I walk far too much and my upper back and shoulders and neck are feeling the effects of forceful meetings with cars and wrestling with my friends. My knees, THANKFULLY, do not bother me. My lower back, while occasionally fretful, is doing well. I wish my digestion weren't so freaky, but eh. Small price to pay to remain slender, at least in my opinion. :)
off to work. more to come.
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