No one has ever engaged so fully in being in a relationship with me as has Oddity. Pictures, the funny names we call ourselves, the sheer imagination and creativity he displays and not only shares with me but has me be a part of.

There's always so much I want to write when I finally get to this site that I completely forget when I make the time to sit and actually WRITE. It's rather frustrating.

I've not been giving the proper form of attention to my classwork as I should have; I am not going to get the super grades I want if I don't focus and apply myself - nor am I going to be learning anything and this is something I need. Part of it is not having Saturdays to focus and study but... I'm not giving up my only day to be with Oddity.

I really like getting up at 7am even when I sleep at 12... I think the idea of 12-7 sleep or 11pm to 6am would be the best sleep time for me. Plus, working at let's say 10am and leaving work at 6pm would work for me. It would be the perfect balance; though I could live with 9 to 5. Yes, it would be ideal. I like getting up when the sun is clearing the horizon and pouring into my bedroom window.

As we know, that's just wishful thinking. But if only....

Applying for other jobs. The idea, hopefully it will work, is that if I do get hired for something, I stay either with Oddity or a choice of a couple of other friends for the length, at most, of 3 months till I can get a small apartment. Going through the regular channels, I'll never be able to afford an apartment. I'm hoping that my rather really good luck will work out...

I set up a driver's test for aug 8 - now if oddity is working that day, I can move it back a few. Whatever it takes.

I've got a new camera - and it's blue. yes, I purchased it 'cause it's blue and was on sale. I hope I don't lose this one! I don't remember what happened to my first camera and I lost my second one somewhere between the Lettie G and home.

My daughter is back in college for her BA in Social work.... I'm so proud of her! She, like me, will have to take remedial algebra (Gods, I HATE math) but at least she's on her way. She gives me hope for the other two.

I've not heard from my son, who as of June 21 turned 23. I did not wish him a happy birthday, as two days prior to his birthday he was the inappropriately gleeful caller that informed me that my youngest had been kicked out of my parents' home and why.

And I've not heard recently from her; I want her with me but she's not mature enough to do what is right; and I may have to accept that she needs to go through the hard knocks of life to see that what her mama says is good and true. (sob) I'm so worried about her!

My granddaughter got great grades in school and she and my eldest are coming down for Capt. A's summer party. I really hate coming up to NY so this is pleasant.

oh goddess i'm heartsick. please send my baby girl back to me.

I don't care what she's done. don't let her disappear.

O M G.

My youngest slept with the husband of a friend of hers and her sister's.. and that cowardly bastard told his wife (whom I consider another of my daughters, honestly) and that created a confrontation IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS' home in Brooklyn.

My son gleefully called to let me know that my youngest had been thrown out of the house. My mother refuses to talk to anyone in her grief and shame. My eldest won't have anything to do with her. I haven't spoken to my dad yet. My brother is stunned by it all. I can't even imagine what my sister in laws think of all this.

But.. can't anyone see she's crying out for attention? I want her with me again. I know she's trouble; I know it's like pressing a viper to my bosom. BUT SHE'S MY CHILD!!! SHE'S MY BABY! And her behavior is MY fault, for abandoning her.

I can't even begin to react. I just want to hold her and let her know though she totally and royally fucked up, she's still my child and I still love her. Yes, I'm horrified at what she did, but in my family, really, who HASN'T done what my youngest did? From my mom to my daughters, we ALL crossed that line. So why are they coming down so hard on my baby????

I wish they had listened to me and left her in the residential facility. But my parents have never listened to me. This is the fruit of THEIR hubris. Now if only I could take my youngest back, and pray that she could learn from her mistakes. :(

missing my kids but I really don't want to go to ny to see them. worried about my son very much. his speech is slurred and he doesn't realize it and i feel I know why - because of both the schizophrenia and the drug experimentation he's doing.

i'm worried for my youngest too, but funny I think she'll pull out better - yet she's so in danger being a female....

the eldest is wearing herself thin - she fell the other day, flat on her face, and I know that when we get tired, both mentally and physically and emotionally, we become uncoordinated and unfocused. I hope she takes a break.

I haven't heard from my granddaughter and this distance is killing me when it comes to her. I also worry for my parents' health and sanity. I wish at least one of my kids would either get lucky or just leave the area and grow somewhere else..

I am looking for new jobs and have started erasing my non-work presence online. I fear the mayhem and the madness that will come from trying to change my life yet again.

I dont' want to leave my dog!!! I want her with ME!!! but I dont want to settle for something substandard and/or dangerous either.

I am pretty sure having me closer is going to be more stressful on Oddity. I'm very certain of this fact, truth to tell. It will take another long period of time for him to be comfortable with that proximity. There will be issues. C'est la vie; what can a person do but accept? He is the way he is, and life shaped him that way. I am thankful that I can be accommodating, because ONE of us has to be!

Got two pairs of boots I like. one for dancing (professionally) so that i can wear them for the steamwerks ball, and one for regular stuff and perhaps dancing - they actually FIT me.

spent too much money. have to go into total scrooge mode for the next month to have money to spend at vacation w/Ray and his mom and to pay his mom back. I NEED to have at least $300 by July 9th.

but I want to get blue gauze or whatever that material is to make bloomers for my steamwerk outfit, blue bloomers and blue matching sleeves, and I have to get Lindsay to return the corset. I may have to make a tube top of blue too if I can't get that back....
and I need a pattern for the bloomers.

Esta manana, despues de dejar tiempo para la sinopsis fermentar en mi mente, pude terminar de ver "El Orfanato" dirijido por Guillermo Del Toro.

Que pelicula fanstastica. Es un deleite oir el accento espagnole - como hablan y enuncian las palabras, ajenas y familiares.

Ahora puedo verlo todo por completo, sin devolver en llantos de miedo y terror. Soy una cobarde con las peliculas de horror.

This morning, after giving the synopsis time to ferment in my mind, I finished watching "The Orphanage", directed by Guillermo Del Toro.

What a wonderful movie! It's a delight to hear the spanish accent - how the words are enunciated and spoken, both unknown and familiar vocabulary.

Now I could watch it again, complete, without falling apart in terror. I'm such a coward about horror movies.

I tried to watch The Orphanage Friday. It's a Spanish horror flick and I love anything done in Spanish, especially old Spanish cinema style. I, however, do NOT watch horror flicks or even read horror books, as I am far too impressionable and susceptible to suggestion.

Seriously. The atmospheric intensity of the movie, coupled with being alone at home (yes, full daylight and my dog was sitting next to me with no concern) threw me into hysterics during one scene so bad that I turned it off, called Capt A and freaked out. Crying and shaking. The works. Everything in the house was suddenly ominous. The hallway was suspect; the books in the bookcase across from the door in Capt A's room was a sinister, dangerous, foreboding presence.

Tried again with people in the house (simply could NOT watch alone anymore. I started to shake instantly) and hit another scene that threw me back into silent hysterics and trying to pause it, I totally lost the window.

That was okay. I ended up reading the synopsis of the movie on wikipedia; and so I will do so with any movie, as I've always done. I thought going into watching this movie without any previous information would show me why everyone flips out by knowing plot before watching or reading. Sorry. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS if I'm going to watch a movie like this. or you will have a totally hysterical shrieking me on your hands.

I still want to watch the movie through; but now I won't be so afraid as I know what will happen. It is VERY VERY VERY well done, by the way, and the story is pretty damn awesome.

But never again will I try to see a movie, especially something labeled horror, without knowing exactly what will happen. Just not built for that sort of suspense.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009
THE little GIRL
Once upon a time in a city of rust, there was a baby girl born inside an abandoned building. So many years ago the sunshine kissed the windows. Now streams of light poked through broken glass while she cried. Born with an unwanted cross placed on her back at such a young age, the weight was too heavy. An eager heart felt the burden too. Life passes by so quickly, and what once was home was abandoned. Sunshine comes only once a week but she dances in the rain every day. Her feet hurt while she dances to song after song as she winces in pain. One by one, the boys try to save her. One by one they fall away from her. Like the lone tree she noticed once in a blue moon in the city that never sleeps, she also felt alone. One day the sky fell while she slept. her ground kissed the sky that filled with all of her tears. A rusted heart could feel no more pouring rain but sunshine pointed her to a city of dreams. Through a wooden covered bridge and lush green trees all around, new hope replaced all of her emptiness. Looking back into the mirror of life the little girl was reborn. Her smile made her face even more pretty than it ever was before. For she felt and knew in her heart. One day there will be a little boy who won't fall away.

I am a lucky woman. For all that I have had happen to me, I have a nice face, a good body, lack of serious health concerns, good job skills, so I'm always employable, adaptable, well-read, have a wonderful boyfriend currently, and I'm aging well. I've few prejudices and lots of understanding.

I don't remember all these things; the blessings of my life, the things for which I am and should always be grateful for. The things that I can smile about.

So some days I am less than lucid; I feel like I struggle through molasses and unable to motivate; but lately I am forcing my way through it, because letting it defeat me, even for a day, is a luxury I should have never allowed to happen.

Other days I'm sharp and clear, and can see/hear/understand for miles. I treasure those days.

Is it wrong to be proud of the fact that I can't really gain weight? That I can be as cut as I want to just by working out a little harder everyday (doesn't take much)? That I do have a pleasant face and good body for approaching 45, and that I can move as much as I do despite the injuries I've had? And that I don't age much - my genetic heritage is to be younger than my years. I'm proud of these things, but sometimes it feels so wrong. Not everyone's as lucky as I am in these points - but they are more self confident, perhaps, or they are lucid thinkers (I'm clear thinking about 10 days a month...) or can handle their finances (I certainly can't) and have more success in their lives - house, kids under control, car, job.....

sometimes I look at myself and see the goofy, slightly out of shape, saggy woman with poor mental acuity 75% of the time and no luck in the 'grown-up' world; sometimes I catch myself in wonder at the cute/elegant woman in the mirror with a clear perspective and acceptance of her life and satisfaction with what she does possess.

I just have to remember it's only chemical...

olive skin next to rosy hue
your breath defines my world


yea. i'm obsessed. it has its highs and its lows. I have to be so very careful of my emotions; they veer wildly out of control with little provocation.

all i want to do lately is write about him. sheesh.

I live in his skin
his heart beats in my chest

analyzing my anxiety attack on tuesday, and part of it was the unfortunate price I pay for obsession. not much I can really do about it once it has taken hold; i have to nip it in the bud early for it not to trigger an episode like tuesday.

that with the rain and cold (I HATE the cold; no one understands how much it actually physically hurts - my skin hurts, my bones hurt, my joints hurt, everything hurts when I'm cold) plus having two papers due that I had barely really worked on - and the overwhelming desire NOT to face work - all those factors played into Tuesday's episode.

I drank about a full glass of rum to calm down; I did not get drunk, which is improbable as a shot makes me tipsy. my metabolism must have been overclocking; I was also constantly eating and could not feed myself enough. I could not stay still and when I did it was a maelstorm of noise and pain and emotion.

yea, don't want it happening again. could have been the food i ate over the weekend, too; which would mean that my body's extremely sensitive and THAT, my friends, is total fuckedupedness.

you know you have a problem when:

You can't stay still.
Your heart is racing.
You're paranoid
the door scares you.
you are shaking and cold and it is hot
your skin crawls
you want to scream and cry and there's no reason why
You're afraid to tell your boyfriend you think you're going insane
you can't focus on a goddamned thing
you fear losing your job whether you go in or not
-- because you're manic
I am manic. I am scared. I can't calm down. My fingers and toes are cold
and I'm wearing clothes and socks. My skin is crawling and I want to scream and cry and throw things. I'm not angry. I'm just fucking insane.

I walked out of my house to go to work and ran back home. I couldn't close the door fast enough.

I keep on retyping everything 'cause I make mistakes every other word.

I can't keep a full thought in my head.

Nothing is making sense. Except this. I hope this helps.

I dont' want to go through this any more!!!

He wrote the following to me as an email last night, 5/25/09, 10:27PM

"our weekend: As i saw you wave from the bus i could feel my eyes become tear filled. I turned the corner onto prince street and i cried a little. Selfishly, i wanted to give you a ride home. I wanted you to stay over. I have so many memories again of you this weekend. You are so nice and positive and fun. And patient with me. I know you would do anything for me. I feel the same way. I love when you wave from the window when i leave for work. It's like something from a TV show. I need to learn to go with the flow better. And be more positive. I am trying, i'm not used to it. I know it affects you more than you let on probably. This was the longest we have spent together, i think. I realize even more that i like you around. I miss you when you are not. I don't say it as much as you. it hurts a little to say it. I want you to be safe and happy. Everything you are doing pleases me and impresses me. Back to school, learning to drive, your job searching. I do like all the little things you do for me. I know you are trying to relieve my stress and workload. I thank you for everything you do. i love you so much. Sometimes i don't feel we have enough time. I look forward to the time we can see each other whenever we want to. I love you, princess."

I love him more than words can say.

CRY OF THE LONELY WOLF, by Oddity 5/22/09

THE DAWNING OF A NEW SUNRISE
AN ADVENTURE OF LOVE ENSUES
THE PURSUIT OF BEAST AND PREY
FRIGHTENED, SHE RUNS AWAY
BUT NO HARM WOULD EVER COME
SHE LOOKED INTO LONELY EYES
AND SADNESS FILLED HER HEART
THIS ODD PAIRING BECAME ONE
INTO AN ADVENTURE OF NEW DAYS
RUNNING LIKE NEVER BEFORE
UNTIL DUSK PULLED THEM APART
AND SHE HATED TO PART WAYS
SUNSET TURNS INTO DARKNESS
HE SNARLS AS HE LETS HER GO
SHE COULD HEAR HIM FOR MILES
THE HOWLING AT THE MOON
WAITING FOR HER TO RETURN
THE CRY OF THE LONELY WOLF

So i'm eating breakfast at CFR, a few blocks down from where I live. I am reading on American Constitutional Law. Someone wearing a carryout courier teeshirt, dark blue (it was blue so I noticed it) walked behind me to get to the kitchen area (I was seated at the counter). The smell of pot hit me full on - and yes, I do have nostalgic memories of pot, even though I think it's a colossal waste of time and money unless you medically need it.

I didn't identify the source until the guy walked past me back out the door. It was strong. I was disgusted, because this is the courier delivery guy for the restaurant or for the restaurant supplier!

He walked back in, and now that I could id him, I looked at his face. Yep, classic morning high; the flushed face, the dumb look, the almost glassy eyes, and he sounded stupid. How could anyone in their right mind let him drive???? much less represent the restaurant or, if he was bringing supplies to the restaurant, the company providing the supplies?

More Poetry from Oddity about us.

With You
YOUR SMILE IS MY SUNLIGHT
WITH YOU I AM EVERYTHING
INSIDE YOU IS MY HEART
TO REMIND YOU OF OUR LOVE
WHAT ONCE WAS A DREAM
IS REAL BECAUSE OF YOU
WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE
I SAVOR ALL OF OUR MOMENTS
OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER
WITH YOU I NEVER FEEL WEAK
ONE DAY WE’LL BE TOGETHER
ALWAYS AND NEVER APART
AS LONG AS THERE ARE STARS
WE CAN DREAM AND HAVE HOPE
WHEN I SEE YOUR BRIGHT SMILE
LIKE A FLOWER THAT BLOSSOMS
TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE
WITH YOU I’LL ALWAYS BE HAPPY

KISS ME kiss me KISS ME
One boot in the past
i was a loner, it's who i was
Never missed a heartbeat
hurdling every obstacle
Who was this vicious creature?
one edge of the RayZOR
The strange path chosen
one nobody dared to follow
I've heard the forked tongues
met every single challenge
I've flown the bluest skies
and i've tasted all the rain
One boot into the future
my hand against her heart
Feeling love all around me
grasping every second
I am who i thought i was
the sharpest RayZORs edge
I would choose the same path
one even dad could be proud of
I look into her pretty eyes
and i see my other half
Our boots standing in the rain
we'll find the most blue sky
With smiles and holding hands
and sunshine on our hearts
We have found the Cure so
KISS ME kiss me KISS ME

Mentioning our anniversary weekend, he said: "I am very lucky and happy. It's hard to believe i have found someone who thinks like i do, but differently. Who accepts me no matter what. Who cares about me like nobody else has. We are a pair." He's also said I'm 'near perfect' for him. I have to document this stuff. I can't believe it's happening to me. It's like a dream come true!!!


I.
Therefore and two heartbeats made with truth
Doth speaketh the lovers with thine lips
Raiseth bright eyes unto heavenly skies
Brighter than sun woven with passion
Does her love craveth unbridled desires deep
When hearts craveth the romance untold
And then I falleth to one knee devout
I crave thee to giveth me all of her breath
To woo me liketh the flower that blossoms
In beauty she does walketh in the light

II.
In sunlit morning dew i thinketh of her face
Even as rain falleth upon thine own smile
The caress of her sweet words sootheth me
I am but alone but our hearts are stronger
One glorioius day we will be as two together
Whileth she doth dance i will be by her side
The shadows that brought us together linger
On a stool i sit with her head on my shoulder
Oh glorious dream that shines down on me
Therefore this light we become is like heaven

I responded to this with:

harken to me, oh darkling prince
my love for you hath no bounds
my heart it sings for the joy of you
my soul it lives for love of you

thus I rest upon your shoulder
your arm cast 'round my waist
and naught in this world
dare sunder the bond we here embrace

only in fairytales and epic love stories. I live an epic love story.

I saw something today very strange. I saw what looked like a puff of smoke go into the ceiling behind the light at work today.

No smoking allowed.

It was over the desk of the woman who just lost her mother.

I can't seem to replicate what I saw using the normal optical wierdness that comes from wearing high index glasses and shifting vision from screen to distance, or by the floaters that I normally have in my slightly aging eyes. The 'puff of smoke' I saw went up in my peripheral vision, without my shifting my eyes - the floaters only shift in my eyes when I move them.

Did I see a ghost? I don't, btw, believe in ghosts. Generally speaking.

Such lonely eyes, so sad
a little boy looks through
scared and hoping for love
Shadowed by warpaint
beneath fierce headdresses
a challenge to the world
on your own terms

those eyes aren't sad anymore
they laugh and smile
a man shines through
loving and loved, vivid
so proud, bold, fierce
warpaint no longer shadows
but brings it forth
Bright happy eyes
alive and in love

such a sweet shy smile
almost masked by intimidating face
but it did not make me quail
I saw the smile, I saw the eyes
they called me. I came to be
the yin to your yang
I am for you.
You called me princess
you called me love
I call you my world
you are my soul.

time stops at your glance
if only it could last forever
the moments I spend with you
in your arms I am home
shared and whole
when I'm with you
who'd've thought
I'd find you, finally
where I'd never think to look
or hope. you were there.
You are here in my heart
filling my senses
always on my mind.
You are everything
all I ever wanted
more than I hoped to have
I love you.
You are my Oddity.

there is no one like him in my entire experience. I will move heaven and earth to be with him. He wrote this:

oUR DREAM oUR LOVE Current mood: adored

bACK TO THE CENTER OF WHO I NEVER WAS
yOU LOOKED INSIDE AND SAW EVERYTHING

mY TEARS mY LOVE mY FEARS mY DREAMS

iN THIS EMBRACE WE FEEL A HEARTBEAT
i CAN FEEL ALL YOUR PAIN AND YOU MINE

oUR SCARS oUR HOPES oUR ENDURANCE

iNSIDE THIS FAIRYTALE THAT WE CREATE
tWO MISFITS BECOME A BEAUTIFUL PAIR

tHIS LOVE INSIDE OF US WILL NEVER DIE

tHIS pASSION tHIS FEAR tHIS INFATUATION
tHIS IS ALL WE WANTED tHIS ADDICTION

oUR DREAM nO TEARS oUR LOVE nO FEAR

gIVE ME YOUR SCARS gIVE ME YOUR HAND
iT TOOK FOREVER NOW WE ARE COMPLETE

iNSIDE A RING OF FIRE OUR HEARTS BURN

lOOK INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

WE SEE FOREVER


there aren't words to describe the feeling I carry inside, the joy, the happiness that brims over in tears. Sometimes I fear I am being obsessive; I read too much into it. And then he writes like that, and I know he feels the same way - though he's better at controlling it's outward manifestation in public!

he is my other half, and I feel so empty when I'm not by his side. We have full lives, busy, intricate and full of friends and loved ones. But no matter what happens, when I'm next to him, life glows.

It is a delicious, amazing feeling to be loved like I love, to have that back. I am listening to Surrender, by Angels & Agony, and the first part of the lyrics go:

You know how long I've waited
For you to come this far
You don't know how long I've waited
To see the stars
You don't know how long I've waited
To see the stars
You don't know how long I've waited
To love you as you are

Open your eyes
Open your heart
Use no disguise
Surrender to me

He posted it on his myspace page.

The next song is called Run To You by Code 64:

I don't know why it feels right
A burst of emotions made me realize
That I should carry on
More graceful than the stars above
You have touched my very soul
Under the clear blue sky
I will run as fast as I can
Far away from all of this
I've been waiting for ages
To hear the sound of your voice
I will try as hard as I can
To get away from all of this
I need to see you
And I'm running out of time
My heart cries out for mercy
A burst of emotions made me realize
That I should try harder
And as the scenery pass by
I realize that I'm losing time
Under the clear blue sky

Next song on his profile: Miss you More by De/Vision:

Will I be here endlessly
Without a firm sense of identity
In a world that left me cold and empty
In a world that left me cold and empty
I'm about to lose my hold
Come alive and take me far
So alive come take me far and near
'cause the morld will leave you cold and empty
'cause the world will leave you cold and empty
I'm about to lose control
Won't you come alive
And take me down your trail
Hold me close before it's too late
Come alive and lead me all the may
(I miss you more than home)
Hold me close before it's too late
When your colors start to fade
All your colors fade away I pray
That your love
Won't keep me cold and empty
That your love
Won't leave me cold and empty
I'm about to lose my hold.

Next is Memories by namnambulu:

All the things were going through
Let me know when it is over
I have never felt this way
I’m marked with scars that won’t recover

I have always wanted you
Will I ever be returning
Now that I’m away from you
I feel the desperation’s burning

The war has lasted for so long
We’ve all forgotten how it started
I don’t remember right or wrong
I only know that we were parted

All the loving memories
All the time we spent together
It will stay for centuries
Our souls will last forever

I’ll await the days ahead
to make sure that I’ll be with you
And when the sky is turning red
Another day has past without you

I’ll avenge for what I’ve missed
and no one will be trying to stop me
And if there’s no one to assist
I’ll still fight for memories of thee

I feel ... indescribable. I love him so very much. There's nothing like him anywhere.

I am having a panic attack. It's a combination of driving and talking religion, which I know I should never do, especially with a Born Again.

I am shaking on the inside and feel trembly. I parked again and again until I could figure out what I'm doing wrong. Now I have to practice until I do it right.

I hate this feeling, this trembly, frightened, painful feeling. It hurts across my shoulders and down my arms. My hips and chest are tight. I can't stop shaking. And my thoughts are going a million miles an hour. I feel like my heart is racing and stopping.

I'm at work and I will make it through the day. I will not fall apart. I have to function.

I hope I calm down.

I have an image of him. Sated, face glowing, eyes closed, in bed, his pale skin against deep red sheets. Arms above his head, relaxed, he opens his eyes slowly to look at me and it feels like the sun's rays, warming me as they clear the horizon. His lips curve to give me a smile, gentle and loving. He seems like an angel to me. The look in his eyes is all love, a soft avowal, a tender embrace, and then with his hands he beckons me back to his side, to lie in his arms, his mouth against my hair, my face pressed into his chest. I can hear the beating of his heart. I close my eyes and relax into his arms, the moment forever engraved in my heart. He whispers he loves me and I feel my emotions skyrocket, a million lights bursting in my heart, my mind a cacophony of his words and my feelings.

There is nothing like that moment.

sitting here listening to carlos gardel tangoes instead of focusing on my paper. Thinking of my dad, and my son, and wondering what will happen. Some people go their entire lives without drama. I can't go six months.

Oddity sent me a Pon and Zi today, one giving a tacklehug to the other. I wonder how it will be when we are closer, and/or together. I'm betting we'll get tired of each other's company; how do people stay together?

I think we can... it takes work.

tired. can't wait to see oddity tomorrow. even if for a few, only a few, alone hours. but it's enough. just enough to touch him, kiss him, breath him in.

gah, i'm a teenager again.

This, I believe, was for me, posted on the lonely hearts forum:

THIS MOMENT Posted: Apr 1, 2009 1:00 AM
Asleep, inside our dreams of hope and fear
the stars twinkle while the moon passes by
We clench the blanket tighter
it’s like we live and breathe in a cocoon
And how could i leave you without words
while tears stream onto your pillow
This moment is ours and forever
even when we can’t be wrapped together
So we sleep and hope for happy dreams
with the thoughts of sunshine on our faces
When the birds sing the morning song
the start of a new day discovers us
Know that i think of you this moment
My heart, My love, My sunshine

And this one, though not for me, is fucking great - posted on the gothic industrialist forum:

HARSH (Ghost Dance) Posted: Apr 1, 2009 1:13 AM
Within these white peeling walls
the lights dim and we are dark.
I can hear the buzzing quiet
just before the first drum sound.
The electro beats of my heart
signal my body to let loose.
The ghosts around me join in
and the harsh stomping begins.
Lights flash changing color to white
as our eyes close we are lost.
The funeral procession pulses
breathing life we mesh together.
Even those white eyes who look on
want to join the harsh ghost dance.
We live while others die tonight

my dad's in the hospital with pneumonia - left lung phlegm buildup. They thought it was the flu last tuesday. They may release him tomorrow. He's 76.

I just found out my children's paternal grandparents have also suffered setbacks. My ex husband's mother is a wonderful woman; I love her very much. She suffers from diabetes (seriously undertreated) and cut her foot.....

My exhusband's father is not a man I care for particularly, but he is my children's grandfather. He suffered a stroke yesterday in Puerto Rico, and the @&%(*@)@ hospital sent him home. SENT HIM HOME!!!! my sister in law had a fit and is now on her way to bring him to the states to take care of him. Ultimately, the family he abandoned is the family who will love him and take care of him. I hope he appreciates it.

My kids are very unhappy. My son did not go to class; instead, he called in and sits with his sisters; they are all crying. Both grandfathers and one grandmother in the hospital and my poor mother is trying her best not to worry. My mother would have not called me if she didnt think it was serious. I haven't spoken to my brothers; tomorrow evening, when we find out what my dad's status is, is enough time to talk to them and find out what this may entail.

And I'm alone, talking to this blog, because there's no one I can talk to. I can face my parents' eventual passing; it's the storm after that that I am afraid of. As always, in the face of severe emotional crap, I stand alone. C'est la vie.

Oddity sent that to me. Today. My head is spinning and my heart is singing and I feel like I'm on top of the world.

My eldest called me today. She had a psychotic break last night. Several things played into this: breaking up with a boyfriend who is moving to wisconsin for school, mooncycle, drinking and frustration at work/home situations. She needed to talk to me.

I find it interesting that we are both suffering lows. She is seeking help; she has called the hospital and will take half dose of Seroquel tonight.

When we have psychotic breaks, we are manic, extremely so, and engage in wild, violent or excessive behavior. We also hallucinate. Unfortunately, we remember everything, and we hit bottom very hard - we say we crash, because the fall from the manic stage is abrupt and hard. If we don't seek help at this stage, we can start to rapidly cycle - i've lost jobs and apartments this way - or become so depressed as to be suicidal - my mom and I and my daughters have been 'institutionalized' for anywhere from two days to a month for this, in our experience.

We feel shame, guilt, despair and everything feels like it is caving in on us. Literally. I am proud of my eldest; she sees it for what it is and is getting help. In this job market, being bipolar is a dangerous thing. No one understands how dysfunctional this chemical imbalance can make a person who can appear lucid and very intelligent. and no one cares.

I am, unfortunately, struggling with the downswing of bipolar syndrome. It's not severe but it can get ugly.

sticking point with oddity is the fact I'm a loner. Last night we had it out again.

This morning, he posted this as a bulletin:

WE'LL BE SHADOWS IN THE SUNRISE

tHESE HANDS ON YOUR HEAD
PULLING FEELINGS OUT AGAIN
WHY DOES'NT ANYONE LISTEN
WHEN YOU EXPLODE IN FRONT OF THEM

THIS PEACE CANNOT FIND QUIET
YOU CAN SCREAM AND NOBODY HEARS
THESE WORDS TRY TO TOUCH YOUR HEART
TRYING TO FIND YOUR SMILE PLEASE

THIS INTERNAL CONFUSION RAGE
CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING
WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT
HOPE YOU DREAM OF RAINBOWS AND THE SUN

AND ALL THIS WHILE YOU WANT LOVE
YOU FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING
THERE IS DESIRE INSIDE YOUR HEART
DON'T EVER RUN AWAY AGAIN

THESE DEMONS FROM OUR PAST
IT'S SO HARD TO RUN AWAY FROM THEM
THERE IS THE SUN BEHIND THE CLOUDS
IT'S WAITING TO FIND YOUR SMILE BRIGHT

AND WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO RUN TO
YOU CAN ALWAYS RUN RIGHT TO ME
WE'LL BE SHADOWS IN THE SUNRISE
WHEN WE HOLD EACH OTHER LIKE A DREAM


all I can do is cry.

He's done it again. He's managed to rock my world with his words and need me the way I need him. I love that man, my Oddity. I want to be there for him; he needs me. He loves me.

"hearts at a distance

Sunshine morning thinking of you
my heart awakens from a dream.

Just how will i get thru another day
when you are too many miles away.

TOY is a message we hold dear
when all we want is to hold each other.

One day our dreams will unfold
as we rise up to each day together.

Counting each day one at a time
sifting thru day dreams and at night.

My heart is beating for that moment
when our hearts will be beats apart.

This love grows stronger we know
even though we are hearts at a distance.

You are my friend, my heart and my soul
like a dream that i never want to end."


Today, I had my first official driving lesson. And then had a meltdown and went manic. I called to work and they gave me an hour leeway, and I walked the railtrail up and down listening to Cocoon by Assemblage 23 until I calmed down.

"Even though I know it's only chemical
These peaks and valleys are beginning to take their toll
Try to convince myself that all it takes is time
But the most derisive voice I hear is mine

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon

There is thunder in the distance and the sky grows gray
There is lightning in the clouds in search of prey
It's not a matter of if as much as when
The clouds will break and the rainfall will begin

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon

Cracks in the chrysalis spread out like tiny snakes
That hiss a litany of rumors and mistakes
But I'm afraid their cause is fraught with futility
There is nothing more that they can take from me

It opens all the scars on me
It leaves me shaken in my belief
It takes my hand just to drag me down
It makes me a stranger in the crowd

Give me isolation just for now
I feel a hard rain coming down
I promise that I will be back soon
But for now I'll return to my cocoon"

for some reason I am circling the abyss again. I feel like things are about to fall apart in my life. or they are flying away at the perimeters. I thought that sort of feeling was long gone, with my past, when I was unstable.

I am not unstable. While my life is heading for change - moving to another city, new job, online schooling, a recession turning into a depression and making all of the above possibly moot - it is not a depressing thing. I believe I can survive a depression - my kids, I don't know and I fear for them, but that is every parent's nightmare. but this shouldn't trigger what I am feeling now.

It is not as acute as it was when I was younger. I don't feel like I'm headed, screaming and kicking, towards oblivion. but headed it feels I am.

I am walking my path and suddenly there is nothing to the right of me but space and nothing to the left of me but rock and the path has become treacherous - and yet, I can navigate it, I know I can, but the abyss is right there, reminding me it's been waiting a very long time for my company.

I don't think it's very friendly. It pokes and steals the path bit by bit. It taunts and jeers and flays open my fears and my shames. Strangely enough, however, it is not getting the panic I felt in the past. This gives me hope. It is the echo of mental illness and I am hoping it echoes due to distance, not due to enclosure.

No one would understand this. I'll watch my path and move on with my plans and be open to change and hope that I don't fall into the abyss' cold open arms.

I wish I could tell Capn A why is it I fell out of love with him. I love hugging him and helping him and being near him; but it really feels it's all about him. He needs validation, but truly doesn't see that others close to him need it just as much as he wants it.

I know why he needs/wants validation and its not a stupid reason. It's very very valid and I wish that I were selfless enough to give it to him and have stayed his girlfriend. But I also need validation, as a woman and a sexual creature, as an intelligent person and as a friend. That was missing.

you know why I can't tell Capt A anything? He won't listen, because he says I always bring it around to me. Well, I'm friends with two of your girlfriends, Capn A, and guess what? We agree. It's all about you, and you forget we need too.

lost in thought, i dream of you
the might-be, the possibility
tenacious, tenuous, teeming and trembling
thoughts of me and you.

how could someone wash through me so thoroughly
unexpectedly, suddenly, completely lost
tossed by the waves, adrift and found
in the sea of calm within your eyes?

whispered, swift, silent, sure, wily
Love. so much in so small a word
you fill it, overflow it, fit it,
make it real, alive, a wonder, my world.

images of you in every blink - seated
standing, laughing, poking, scowling, angry
tender, sleeping, aroused, calm, intent, intense
eager, hesitant, you. all you.

you surround my senses, warm my heart
sooth my soul, excite my passion.
Where did you come from?
Never let me go.

Today I have something I have wanted my entire life. I have someone who loves me as I love him, with the same intensity, with the same emotion. He is my other half.

He wrote the below.

"When was, or when would be the time you met or meet someone who you knew is right for you in almost every way ?

For me, i have met that person. My other half. i don’t have to explain very many things, we seldom fight or argue amd disgreements are short lived and learned. I can be myself, at the opposite end of the room, and still feel something as well as an individual. This took me a long time. It was very random and uncanny that neither of us were looking for this."

When Oddity came to meet me on Saturday, he turned to kiss me outside the comic book store and I was caught unawares.... like I didn't expect him to kiss me. I was both surprised and wondered why I was surprised. When he took leave of me Sunday, it was the same. Why was I surprised that he kissed me (and so much, too!)? Is it that someone to show me such affection publicly is alien to me?

I am obsessed with him, but not dangerously so. but it's like a drug; I can't get enough of seeing him, reading him, hearing him, and when I'm with him, I want to feel him near, touch him all the time, breath in his skin and eyes and everything. When I'm with him, I do feel like I'm complete, whole. Every time we say goodbye, it's like a physical tearing away of a member of my body.

I love to see him smile. I love his eyes. I love to sleep with his arms around me (and he always does that!) even though it makes my neck hurt a little, because I'm close to him. I can hear his heart beat (and he can feel mine). I love the way his feet curve, the classic high arch. I love his legs and his posterior. I love his chest and his arms. I love to play with his hands. Love his nose and the curve of his head.

Okay, yea, I know I'm obsessed. Focused, that I prefer. I love that he holds me in public, and reaches back to take my hand (!!!!! who's ever done THAT for me???) and is proud to introduce me - and he talks about me! Like I do about him! (head whirls) I want to be near him. Yes, I even want, hope, that one day I'll carry his name. I would like to keep him, please? Pissy moods and all?

I hope we can work out as we get older just being with each other. It's alot to ask, I know. I'm just so happy around him.

this.. is for me. Odity wrote this for me.

Saturday, February 21, 2009 forever
this time is forever
and forever is now
and you are here
here by my side
hand in hand
your heart is near
next to mine
two hearts
beating as one
like it's forever
and this is love
wider than a smile
just can't express
how happy i am
now and forever
9:29 AM

I miss him. I'm just away from him since 11:30am and I miss him. I see a photo of him and I want to reach into it and touch him, smell him, feel him around me. I wait by the computer until he shows up online. I'm pretty pathetic.

I physically miss him too. I want to feel his skin, his chest, his breath, his arms, his kiss, everything.

His brother didn't expect me to be so feminine. That's a nice compliment, but what did he expect his brother to date???

I ache; my heart hurts 'cause I want to be around him. We can't live together yet. I need to live on my own. I don't know if Sallie Mae will approve my loan, but if they do, schooling is going to take up my time and it's not going to be easy. Paralegal studies is HARD as hell.

I just want to be near him.

Oddity posted this song for me as a message to me on MySpace:

Biggest Part Of Me by Ambrosia

Yeah (Sunrise)

There's a new sun arisin'
(In your eyes) I can see a new horizon
(Realize) That will keep me realizin'
You're the biggest part of me

(Stay the night) Need your lovin' here beside me
(Shine the light) Need you close enough to guide me
(For all my life) I've been hopin' you would find me
You're the biggest part of me

Well - Make a wish, baby
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you,
So we could wash away the past,
So that we may start anew

(Rainbow) Risin' over my shoulder;
(Love flows) Gettin' better as we're older
(All I know) All I want to do is hold her
She's the life that breathes in me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(For better) For me, there's nothin' better
You're biggest part of me

Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ahh)
So that we may start anew (ah ooo)

Oh - More than an easy feelin',
She brings joy to me
How can I tell you
What it means to me?
Flow like a lazy river
For an eternity
I've finally found someone
Who believes in me, (who believes (x 2) in me)
And I'll never leave (Now I’ve found all I need)



Oh - Oh, not to doubt now
Mmmm, ain’t life grand?

Well - Make a wish, baby (Wish and it will come true)
Well, and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby (Make a list of the things - for you)
Of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk, now,
In lettin' my love rain down on you, (Let it rain on u)
So we could wash away the past, (ahh ah)
So that we may start anew (ah oo)

(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me
(To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me
(Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me
You're the biggest part of me

(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) From now until forever
You're the biggest part of me
You're the life that breathes in me
You're the biggest part of me

Mmmmm

You changed my life
You made it right
And I'll be a servant to you
For the rest of my life ahhh
You're the biggest part of me.... ahhh

It's very nice to date someone of my generation. I didn't think I could love someone more, but he did it. I respond very well to music... and he's pushing all the right buttons.

I keep waiting for the moment he 'wakes' up and wonders why he's with me, or likes me. I bet he feels the same way, but it doesn't change the deepseated insecurity that i'm not good enough or pretty enough or whatever enough to be loved by someone the way I love someone.

rather annoying.

I WANT THE AMAZON KINDLE. I would get all the news magazines, and the NY Times, and every possible scifiseries and religious studies book I could get my hands on to read.

With a source of power, I would never run out of reading material!!!

At 360 a pop, I guess I'm waiting on this for a long time.

I like my current living arrangement, don't get me wrong. I love being able to continue to take care of Capn A and make him breakfast and lunch, and be his sounding board and ears. I'm going to miss him a huge lot when we move on with our lives.

But this morning, when I woke up next to Oddity, I knew I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. No matter how pissy he gets (his reaction to things unknown or unsure) or how adamant he is about something, I can deal with it. He's not the kind I can get up and make breakfast for, for instance, like I did for Capt A.

This morning, he snuggled his head into my chest and wrapped his arms around me and fell back asleep. I would kill for more moments like that. He is openly affectionate. He isn't the kind that doesn't want me around when we go out. He LIKES me being around him. I had gotten so used to not hanging around my SOs 'cause they wanted their space at public events, this attitude of wanting me near him instead of off on my own is ... indecribably incredible.

If and when we do have a life together, it is going to be challenging. He is NOT an easy person; he is older and set in his ways. I am a flexible person and consider myself lucky to be so. But I am also older and I do have a comfort level I am not willing to compromise.

We have time. I wish I didn't feel so torn about leaving Capt A on his own.

I see Oddity within the next three hours. I'm 44, and I still feel this delicious sense of anticipation, a quiver of delight, at the thought of seeing him. He feels the same way, I think. He and I are going to go to a concert to see Combichrist; we're excited over that even as we are lamenting our lack of bounceback 'cause the next two days are going to be HARD, especially on him. But the major excitement isn't the concert; it's seeing each other. and he's older than i!

He talks about me and expresses his emotions about me. He puts it in writing!!!

I'm the one who excites him (oh, he's male, I know any female can - but I"M the focus!!!), I'm the one he thinks of. I'm the one. ME.

This thought is hard for me, it's amazing, it's new. I've had guys who were attracted to me, or who loved me in some way. But ... I think this is the first time that someone feels the way I do for them, for me. Truly in love.

Oh please let this be a forever thing!

I make his heart sing. Me. I do. He loves me. ME. HE LOVES ME!!!!

"Monday, February 09, 2009 A reality Dream unfolds Current mood: thankful

Having just woke up a little while ago some thoughts have come to mind that i would like to share. I often have dreams that seem so real that when i wake up i feel like i've escaped the dream i was in or that i am still in the dream that was unfolding. I also sometimes feel myself (within the dream) trying real hard to focus on the face of someone in my dream without it ever really revealing the person. I remember there was this one time where i was dreaming that i would meet someone very special and there she was in my dream but i could not see the face of the person no matter how hard i tried but this one time i sensed her face was coming into focus and then i woke up, thus ending the dream..

(that last sentence may be one of the longest i have written)

In the spring of 2008 a reality dream unfolded. This time i was not asleep. She was in full focus. It just kind of developed and the more we came to know each other the more we wanted to see each other. I don't know exactly how to explain this, but we are each others lost half. I had practically given up on the idea of a solid relationship ever happening for me. I was not searching or hoping. We somehow just became one gradually and now i think about her all the time. She is pretty, sexy, educated, tough, ever cheerful, and full of hope and compassion, as well as love. We are still getting to know each other and taking our time. I could not be more lucky or blessed and i am very happy. I am truly in love.

That being said, it is good to have hope. It is important to like yourself and believe in yourself. Self confidence and being comfortable on your own is very crucial. Just be yourself and you will shine in someone's eyes. If you are lucky, you will feel the way i do.

It is good to dream.. "

He wrote that. He also wrote this:

"Saturday, February 07, 2009 FoReVeR ViCioUS Current mood: amorous

a chamber of echoes
filling empty spaces
tormenting me
makes me want you more
i take this aggression
piercing inside of you
and it feels vicious
and you are delicious
and nothing matters
you look inside me
my heart is not black
and you want more
i know you need more
a heart on fire
beating fierce
vicious for you
this feels like forever
i want nothing more"

And this:

"FEAST OF LOVERS Current mood: vibrant

tO TASTE,
lEAVING YOU WANTING,
tHIS FLESH,
wE DIE OF THIRST.
a KISS,
qUENCH YOUR DESIRES,
wANTING MORE,
a NEED TO FEED,
sAVORY.
oPEN YOUR HEART,
fEEL MY LOVE,
tHIS DEEP CARESS,
fOREVER.
tHE LAST MORSEL,
eVERY BIT,
fLESH FROM FLESH,
dIVINE.
sPREAD YOUR WINGS,
tHE ETERNAL,
wAITING LIKE VULTURES,
tHIS CEREMONY,
a FUNERAL FEAST OF LOVERS"

And This:

"ROMANCE is EVERYTHING Current mood: cheerful

love is
i look in your eyes, and all i see
is everything, the beautiful things
flower petals lay in your hands
it's all i can give, it's all i am
the love i feel inside,
you make my heart feel
inside these whispers
you are closer to me now
reach out your pretty hand
for the flowers of romance
when i see you it's beautiful
yes, you are my princess
and my heart is yours too
right next to you is all i want
and i want everything
so please accept,
the words of romance
these words are for you
and so am i
in love"

"PASSING TIME Current mood: romantic

A school boy sits idly shy wondering how his heart strings are being pulled by the girl he admires after he had lost all hope.
One small smile lets the sun shine through the window as she peeks out looking for him.
As clouds pass by they think of each other, two shadows standing side by side hand in hand.
If this feels like love then they feel everything.
One day at a time, nervous and anxious like the first day they laid eyes on one another.
Two hearts beating as one, dancing to the same song.
Turning the page inside this beautiful dream, waiting to see the smile that lights up their lives.
A school boy sits alone on the school steps, waiting for the pretty girl to return"


"and on the seventh day Current mood: romantic

she'll hear seven beats of my heart
twenty seven miles away
and like the distant thunder
she'll feel my presence nearby
when i look into the silver mirror
her lips i wish were close to mine
and i can feel myself alone
wanting her here next to me

seven kisses blowing in the wind
each one destined for her
like the times we spend together
when all i want is to be with her
she'll know that my aim is true
and on the seventh day
there's love inside of our hearts
when she is in my arms again"

I love him. I love my Oddity. I love My RayZOR.

Monday, December 29, 2008 CLOSER TO THE SUN

walking towards the sun
following her
like shadows follow me
pulling my heart strings
following love
like a ray of sunshine
blue skies smile upon me
feeling her warmth
following close
closer to the sun
my love inside her heart
her shadow next to mine

Friday, December 12, 2008 THE BLUE GIRL
oN A BLUE SKY MORNING ANGEL BIRDS SING.
sUNLIGHT STREAKS THROUGH THE MINI BLINDS.
tHE BLUE GIRL'S FACE BURSTS INTO HAPPINESS.
sHE DANCES IN THE SHADE OF A TALL TREE.
wAITING FOR HER LOVE AT THE END OF THE DAY.
sO PRETTY LIKE THE RAINBOWS AFTER RAIN.
aN ANGELS HEART BEATING INSIDE HER CHEST.
wAITING FOR THE SHADOW OF HER TRUE LOVE.
tHE SUN SHINES ON HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN.
aND THE BLUE GIRL SINGS AS SHE DANCES AWAY.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008 into the shadow
One heart beating fierce
dancing in the shadows
and i watch
standing in the moonlight
this pulsating beat
getting inside of my head
clutching my chest
my heart pounds
and i am at peace
shining in this moment
and i dance
into the shadow
and i watch myself
nothing ever more fierce
this is like a memory
i once had of heaven
and i'm falling into you
for this is who i am
i'm giving it all away
the shadow of my heart

Saturday, November 08, 2008 BLOSSOM
One fLOWER
oNE Light
One dREAM
oNE Chance
So bEAUTIFUL
pRETTY Petals
Taken One by One
I LOVE YOU
iN SunShine
And Also iN rAIN
wE bLOSSOM
We Can Still Dream

And this one was about me and my kids, in part:
Friday, October 24, 2008 THE CONCRETE WALLS
she's taking her long dive
i'm catching all of her tears
and the deeper that it gets
the deeper i know i will go.
and she's coming up for air
but only for a short while.
these monkeys will play
and they'll get into trouble
and this is where i sigh.
the restless waters converge
those that once stood still.
were we this far apart ?
when you were next door.
did he take it for granted ?
that she's always been there.
always when you fall apart
and fuck up time and again.
and even then my friend
with all of her soft heart
she gave everything to you.
and then some more.
but it's never enough
to say "i love you"
when you tear her apart.
these moonlit skies
sliver and silver tongue
searching for lost souls
that are buried alone
among the burning stars.
and now you are asleep
without any windows.
are there any mirrors ?
please look inside yourself
before it becomes too much.
before you are too late.

It is physical pain to leave Oddity. I want to be near him. I know I've said it before about others, and there must be a reason for this. I am complete around him. I admire his creativity, I like his pissy moods, I love his kinks, his random wierdness. I don't like bars, but i can enjoy them around him.

Suddenly I seem to be attractive to people. I know what it is; I am alive again. I am active and out there, dancing and flirty and full of energy. I had shut down after Lord Dragon and for the time I was with Capt A, I did not open up enough.

Now I'm alive. Everything turns me on; everything is new. I am excited about my life and my future. I want to be where I can be me. It will cost.

I went through my books upstairs and I can't see myself without them. Oddity did let everything go. How can I let go of my bestest friends? Those books make me feel safe, and I don't want to let them go. Where men and friends can let you down, you can always depend on a book for consistency and stability... LOL

For housewarming, whenever I get an apartment, the only gifts I want are book cases. That's all I want. I can get everything else. But I can't have enough bookcases.

all I want is you
in the middle of the night,
to wake next to you
feel your breath on my skin
your arms around me.

You're the ghost inside my head
so alone without you,
When we're together
I see no one else.
So far away, but one day
We will be together

I love your smile
the shy glint of your eyes
Your laugh, the secrets within
the shadows without.

You are everything
all I ever wanted
all I ever needed
all I ever loved.

In your room, in your arms
safe and loved and desired
wanted, complete, in you.

Touch by touch
you're my alltime lover
skin to skin, close under the covers

You're the one and only
my sacred, my holy
just what I needed
Your heart is my favorite body part
And I possess it.

I want to kiss you all over
Made for loving you
you are exquisite torture,
sublime release, ecstacy
poetry in motion.

These are only words
and words are all I have
to take your heart away.

too many distractions to be able to write something heartfelt for Oddity. I wish I could let it just flow but some things are too raw and a bit too raunchy.

Listening to music and wishing for the time I had as a kid to make the songs stories. I would arrange music (didn't matter the genre) to 'tell' a story. Like Running Man by Al Stewart would do well with Pursuit by Icon of Coil, Like Tears In Rain by Covenant, Tears in Rain by The Retrosic (the monologue from Blade Runner when the replicant was dying). I know there's more, from other genres, but I can't think of them now and I can't just pay attention.

Had an interview in Lancaster yesterday. While technically the interview went well, I do not think I am going to get that job. I fully felt that whatever rapport we had over the phone was canceled in the face to face. But who knows; it may work out. I hope, even though I don't think this one will pan out. There will be other jobs and other opportunities.

And I so wish I could just stay at my job, get my license, get a car and get paid more at my job, 'cause I really do like what I am doing now. If wishes were pennies.....

Missing Oddity. Was nice to wake up next to him on a workday. I know we can't live together yet - trust me, the way I am and the way he is, there will be super clashes and the conflict will kill the relationship. We both have a lot of adjustments to make.

I am going to apply to Kaplan University online for paralegal skills. I need to up my own technical knowhow and get better jobs.

I just received an email in indonesian from what was supposedly Google letting me know that my blog was at this location, and that it was registered to my gmail addy, and that if I needed help or needed to find my password, etc etc etc.

So I think it was a spoof. 'Cause, you see, when I open blogger, it automatically signs me in. But when I clicked on the link provided, IT DIDN'T.

And really,... why would Google send me a message in Indonesian? (Oh, how do I know? I've a knack for recognizing words as part of a language group, and 'silakan' looks like silat and silat reminds me of that part of the world.)

I used google translate (which, at this point in time, due to the range of languages, is superior to Babelfish) and found out what the body of the message said.

Still rather wierd.

Moments:

Crossing the street at Mt Rose, did I wait? I don't remember. I noted the pretty blue color of the car coming up, and I ran across, and then it occurred to me that I was going to get hit - the car did speed up a bit, did not see me. I felt the impact, felt my face slam into something, I spun, saw sky. Realized that I had made a full revolution. I landed. I don't think the impact itself registered from the shock. Just that I had got hit and rolled over the car; it had not stopped short. I was both feeling awfully sorry for myself for 2 seconds and hugely guilty for the horror the driver would be feeling. I checked my body with my senses; there was pain but more than anything just shock at the impact and resignation at the incident. It happened. I had to flow with it. Suddenly a woman with large sunglasses came up; I realize she had been crying out, "Oh my god, someone call 911" and to me, "are you okay?" I answered, realized that I was shaking uncontrollably. I asked for my bag and explained it was my daughter's xmas present. I told someone to take my phone from my pocket and call Capt A. I noted that some guy was calling 911. Other people came round. So did the driver. Oh the guilt I felt! She was crying, I think and I asked to take her hand and apologized. The lady with the glasses was joined by an off duty emt lady and I asked her to please raise my knees, that my back was in alot of pain, even though my knees hurt. The muscles of my legs were spasming as was my lower back. Perhaps it was all my back; I was shivering too hard to really tell. but as soon as my knees came up, my back relaxed. I was coherent and alert throughout it all - but I was shaking like if I was convulsing.

I broke my hip at the pubic bone, the rarest of breaks and easily the hardest to do. The safest, to boot; most injuries of the hip are pretty catastrophic when breakage is involved.

Memories:

Needing to pee soooo bad that the xray techs joked about how visible it was. And then, finally, giving in (no one was going to let me off that board until they were sure I hadn't broken my back in some way, which I hadn't, or damaged my hips worse). I got the bed pan, arched my back (so much for broken back and hips...) and with my shoulders STILL ON THAT BOARD, sat on the bedpan and PEED for like an eternity. OMG WHAT A RELIEF.

In that four hour period, I had to do that once more.. rivers, man. rivers.

My eldest crying hysterically on the phone (I can't listen to my kids cry without falling apart.) Fearing that my youngest would fall apart. Hearing my son's voice crack with tears on the phone. I'm fine, guys. Your mom is made of rubber and steel. I was fine until my kids called me.

Capt A being there, patient, understanding, communicating with Oddity and my parents. I wish it could have worked with him. Oddity has my heart.

After four hours in the hospital strapped to that fucking board, I got home in terrible pain. But I could deal with it. I tried to dance. RIGHT. Wall Of Fail. Yes, RIGHT AFTER GETTING HOME. Moving to music is like breathing. well, not right now though!

Realizing the oxycodone was giving me dizzy spells.

Realizing that I was deathly dizzy all the time by Thursday night. Especially while I was trying to satisfy my oral fixations. NOT a pleasant trip at all. Will NEVER take codeine again.

Memory:

Oddity tells me he will come home with a surprise. He comes home wearing nothing but his coat. The thought makes me tingle and dance in so many places. I love that man.

Memory: Xmas morning wrapping his arms around me. Meeting his brother for the first time (with a black eye!!!) His being so kind and far too aggravatingly protective.

Memory: falling asleep in his arms. always.

Memory: Realizing there was no more intense pain from my hip!

So... I got hit by a car Sunday, 12/21, at about 4:20pm at Mt. Rose & Haines. I.. well... I ran into the turn lane thinking the car woudl see me. when I realized impact was imminent, I realized the driver had not seen me.

Ouch.

I rolled over the passenger side and landed with my feet on the curb I was trying to reach, but the rest of me was on the road. People stopped and took care of me. I was shaking alot, both from cold and shock. But I was lucid and coherent.

I had someone call Capt A. He was closer and more familiar with everything. It hurt Oddity a little, but he's an adult and knows the situation. Capt A is pretty damn wonderful in his own right. After all the xrays and CATscans et al, he sat with me in the trauma center while the results were being processed. At one point, he got up to go to eat something, and the nurse said it was obvious he was still very much in love with me.

Ouch.

Oddity came by to see me last night and I know as much as I still feel for Capt A, I want to be with Oddity. Capt A and I get along on sooooo many things and we fit so many ways well together. But Oddity really feels like my other half. I feel we complement each other.

Not to mention I love him to death and am powerfully attracted to him even when I disagree with him.

I feel more appreciated with Oddity, for some reason. Like everything I do means something to him, directly, emotionally. I feel more connected to him. I want to be on my own to show that I can be, and to make him feel a little more secure about me.

One thing I definitely am learning out here - you HAVE to be able to fend for yourself. NYC, I didn't choose well. Out here, you're not the only one choosing.

I need to drive. I hope that my driving test is not an utter failure.

Off to soak in epson salts. Oh, car accident: broke the right side of my pubic bone and putative fracture of one of the thoracic vertabrae, and my face looks like a southpaw took a swing. Out of work for three days - lost all taht OT! - at doctor's orders.

But I essentially 'walked away' from this one. I don't want to do this again. It was frightening.

Too much emotion. I love Oddity pretty well nuts. I wish my kids would get it together. I wish I could help Capt A more. I want a new job. whine whine bitch moan rant rave wah wah.

I want to be with Oddity pretty badly. Reinitiating job searches, but we all know the truth of the matter is that until the economy turns, I'm stuck. and I have to learn to drive no matter what. something's gonna have to give.

rats.

I love him. Oddity is perfect.

Okay, there are and will always be issues. We are learning about each other and he's got his issues with me - my nondriving, my needy kids, my physical distance, my spanish. I have a few too - his surliness when he's had a little too much to drink, his inability to just accept.

I inadvertently hurt him by leaving Sunday morning without attempting to wake him up. I did, but I did not want him to bitch or rant - even if it wasn't at me, I couldn't deal with it after the last two drunk surly sorties. But I hate myself for making him cry. Gods, but I love the man. My heart breaks when I remember, and I know that when I explained to him his behavior, he also hurt.

We're adults. We'll deal. I want to be with him and I'm fully aware we're still not fully a year together. I won't wish, or hope, that he is The One. On the other hand, I want to make it happen. I want him to be The One. If there is such a thing. He feels so right next to me. I feel right next to him. I hope he doesn't change. And yet, I hope we grow together.

I hope we become so interlaced that neither of us can live without the other.

I'm in a mood. I know part of it is 'cause I want to spend time with Oddity (alone time, preferably naked) and this is a form of emotional temper tantrum. This feeds into the whole 'I don't drive and life sucks' thing, and I'm frustrated because I could be working for more money and am simply not focused enough. I don't know if I can get to see my daughter at the residential facility or if she can sleep over with me (I have to find a place we can sleep over at, 'cause Capt A doesn't want her here). I don't make enough money at all.

And Assemblage 23 has lots of dark, almost suicidal songs. I know that Failure has to be a son asking his parent why his parent committed suicide. There's another song, rather sweetly folksy, but very dark, by Innocence Mission, called You Are The Light, which seriously seems to be about someone visiting the house of someone who died. NOT the best of listening things during winter. gah.

And the pain in my hip is back.

I want my Oddity. Wah.

So Temptation shuts down our link so that he can heal. It is rough on him I know; and I know I'm being selfish when I say I wish he didn't have to do that.

Oddity and I had a very good weekend. It was my b'day on Saturday; DancingBean and Oddity planned a dance roadtrip for my b'day Friday night. I could not go home with Oddity Friday night and that broke my heart. But I got to go over Saturday.

I love being around him. I'll admit it, I'm a goner for him.

Driving home on the highway, there was an overbridge that looked like if it opened to another world - over it was dark sky, but under it was bright gold. In fact, it framed a well lit factory wall.

We ate at a diner and I had the sudden feeling that we were in one of those movies, like the one with Woody Harrelson and that chick wherein the song ShitList comes in, or something like The Day The Earth Stood Still, or an X-files movie, or the one where Nicholas Cage can see several minutes into possible futures and reset. See, the diner is one of those old fashioned shiny ones, with the flourescent lights, and it was dark outside, and someone started up the jukebox with some bluesy country song... and it was surreal. Either this diner would be the last oasis of humanity, or hell on earth. It would be a crossroads of temporal events or the place where Arthur Dent finds out the earth is due for demolition. I was in a fanciful headspace, what can I say?

I missed my dog. I wish I could have my world as I want it.

My son never called me for my b'day. He is going to PAY.

Edit: He called Thursday. He leaves for Boot Camp in May, they tell him, because MEPS is full. Hrm. He should join the Peace Corp or Job Corp or something that keeps him out of trouble. Here's to hoping.

I'm sick. Not sure what I have. Friday I felt like I was overheating and simply couldn't think. Every bone in my body hurt, ached, felt like it was on fire. Even my face.

It comes and goes. mebbe it's the Change (and I would be SO FUCKING HAPPY). Or, my body is fighting the flu. OR, I had started drinking a tea with Acai Berry (a Zinger by Celestial Seasonings) and my body simply doesn't like it. Hrm...

Oddity and I had a great weekend. We are comfortable together, even when we argue. Okay, I don't argue 'cause I know I'm not going to get my point across. He is a little difficult sometimes, but that's the way he is. Direct, simple and straightforward. I tend to be more convoluted. A LOT geekier. eh.

Jobs: Went on an interview Thursday in Harrisburg; got a request for an interview IN YORK Saturday. I get this feeling things will fall into place, but let me not count my chickens before they hatch. Heh, they're not even laid, yet!

Got my story into NanoWriMo - now to expand and work on it. I personally think it's too wordy. I need space and time to focus on it.

My birthday's this weekend. I am a proud 44 years old.

So tired.
So very tired of the drama
of the push/pull of my heart
of the cacophony in my head.

So sleepy.
Why can't I just sleep
Fall into endless slumber
Never wake up again.

I know
Giving up is not an option
Running away is not a given
But oh, to sleep
and never have to deal with
any of this ever again.

To sleep
without dreams
endlessly.

I love gingerbread cookies, especially with icing.

I cannot stand sitting in my chair at work. It hurts my legs and my tailbone. I also hate the arms and wish I could tear them off. I'd rather stand (which my feet, of course, do not appreciate).

My hair falls out but there's still hair on my head. ALOT of it.

I've noticed that people with houses and money call about defective products. Poor people don't call.

I find I like fall and winter; I just don't like the cold.

I wore a Star Trek Next Generation shirt to work on Halloween, in direct flouting of the 'no costume' rule. Stupid job.

I do not like the people my son and youngest befriended. I hate dealing with them.

I am not like anyone you've ever met. Don't pigeonhole me. Don't assume.

I like to sing. I lived in the songs I grew up with, and it is just me.

I am very giving and accomodating.

I LOVE MY ODDITY!!!! He is meeting me tomorrow (we weren't going to be able to meet at all this weekend - oh poop! but he's making the effort!!!) for steaks. I think he's going to dress up as gandhi... LOL for dinner! Oh, he's freaking fantastic. I am very much in love.

I do not like to complain, nor do I like to ask for favors. I try very hard to be self-sufficient.

I love to eat.

Silent tears while words scroll
Quietly accepting
We are all different
Life is as it is.

I will always forgive
I will always love
I will always show mercy
I will always empathize
Or I would not be me.

And while you do not understand
If I weren't what you rail against
you would not love me.
If I were like you,
you would not like me.
Ironic, isn't it?

I choose how I feel.
I choose not to let
your words wound me.
I carry on, and you never know
just how deep it went.
And I forgive, and I love.
You will never understand
Because you choose not to.

Oh, Murphy's law.

Last night both Ray and I dreamt of financial ruin and chaos, albeit differently. Today I got a call that I answered - from Harrisburg, re a job I applied for, Clerk Typist for a state office job. Despite the fact there is a hiring freeze, I have an interview for Nov. 7th, at 10am. But I don't know if I had the time available from my current job, especially since I already took off Nov 17 for my bday.

Lo and behold, I get back to my desk to find an email from my boss stating that we have yet to take our extra personal day this year. I'm set.

I'm excited. I texted everyone including my mom and she called back to congratulate me. Everyone else texted back (and Temptation sent me a picture of his crazy face smiling!). I know Oddity is worried, but it's going to be okay.

So I happily go potty (yes, I know, TMI) and this weekend is my free weekend with Oddity - and I get my period today. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Not fair! I promised I'd wear a teddy!!!! Drat it all to HELL!

Well, it had to happen. Things couldn't go 100% my way....

I bruise you, you bruise me. We both bruise, too easily; too easily, to let it show. I love you, and that's all I know.

Oddity's been the only person who's photographed with me kissing him, or holding him.

Good lesson learned by him over the weekend; that his actions make people question his words. I had been trying to show him this re the young woman but he wasn't getting it. I think he got it over the weekend. I don't expect him to change; I do expect him to be more aware.

When exactly did I lose my heart to Oddity? The night he drove me home from Smalls, when he took off the fauxhawk and put on that hat... suddenly I was seeing someone new. I felt my world shift that night. I love when he wears that hat.

I hugged him at Ulanas, grateful suddenly that he was around. I think that was before Smalls. He wanted to sit next to me on our weekend out; he sat next to me and put his hand on my thigh. Why didn't I react? I felt it belonged there. After Ulanas, I felt like I would hurt anyone who messed with him. After Ulanas, I felt he was mine.

I wanted to kiss him something awful when he dropped me off at my house. But I didn't want to mess up what I had at home.

Then the party, where I was so excited for him to get there, and when he stomped off and I realized I had lost my heart to him. "I love him," I said out loud, and it was true.

I'm not the easiest of persons to get along with; I've got problems. I am difficult, but I'm also very understanding and caring and giving. I'm struggling not to put him on a pedestal like everyone else I've dated. I feel, really feel, that he's the missing part of me. Even when he pisses me off!

I learned alot of things through listening to what I call 'my music'. For instance: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago:

Everyone needs a little time away/I heard her say/from each other
Even lovers need a holiday/far away from the one that they love
Hold me now/it's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to know...
After all that we've been through/I will make it up to you. I promise you/And after all that's been said and done/You're just the part of me I can't let go.

What would you understand from this? Well, relationships need work. You can feel frustrated with someone so much that you want to walk away; but that is not permanent. Saying "I'm Sorry" and meaning it helps - as does accepting the apology (Hold me now). It takes two.

But, as my friend Maria said, too much togetherness breeds contempt (actually she said it in spanish and much more colorful: la carne, junto mucho, hiede). So time apart - in other words, be your own person even in a relationship - is healthy and probably for the best.

Cool Change by Little River Band: It's alright to be alone.
Come Sail Away by Styx: Dreams are wonderful, but as you age you change; don't give up adventure or new things. There's always hope.
Reminiscing by Little River Band: remember the good times. this is healthy.
Cruising by Smokey Robinson: just spending time with each other is precious.
Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks: Live your life every day; even when you are dying, those memories will be there to sweeten the passage. Value the people around you. Love them.
Blasphemous Rumors: suicide hurts everyone and helps no one. death is meaningless and random. God plays no part in it.
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin: Yes, I found meaning in that one. It fits in my warped worldview. DREAM. Life is as fantastic as you wish it. Strive. Seek. Live. Dream.
Hotel California by the Eagles: Pretty Party People are sinkholes.
Bargain by The Who: Value who loves you
Baba O'Riley by The Who: look forward and enjoy life now

More to come as I think of them....

I have very very lucid, vivid dreams. I enjoy this; it makes my sleep time quite fun. Most of the time anyway. This does mean I have very vivid nightmares...

But this is not about a nightmare. This was a dream I have a couple of nights ago that I enjoyed very much.

I was in some city and had to get a bus. I remember brownstones and then getting on a bus that was more like a cabin in a plane, but it was a bus. It was crowded and was one of those tour bus things, with people in various stages of relaxation/preparation. I sat for a while in one seat, chatting up someone about where I was going (the next stop!) to see/meet up with my boyfriend. Then I moved to another seat near a window, and had the guy in front of me recline his seat all the way into my lap - it was funny if rude.

He was with his wife and kids but getting drunk on the bus. Well, when I arrived where I was going (for some reason, a seaside industrial town), he followed me off. I asked him just what he thought he was doing, and he said he was trying to explore and took off in the opposite direction. It didn't take long for him to find me again.

In the dream, seeing my bf wasn't an urgency, so I told him, fine, I would lead him around. Well, we went through an industrial factory where salt was stockpiled and turning green (I know that means something chemically, but I can't recall what) and I refuseed to go through it because I was wearing my heeled thongs (yet, earlier, we went by a stripjoint and basically acted punked out inside and outside when we got kicked out, I was wearing sneakers). We had to get through it to get to the other side (and here I was thinking I was too far from North York and I could not remember for the life of me how to get back) and I found an abandoned building that had a back way around the huge salt dump. There we were joined by a few thugs and one dealer and we climbed through a gated window down a gated metal outdoor stairwell. I thought I wouldn't fit, but I did...

Earlier we had been walking through some seedy place, and it was either nighttime or predawn. I was nattering cheerily with this drunk married young man, being goofy and keeping him at a distance. We decided to go into a stripjoint, and we were kicked out and I walked on the bannisters of the porch and down towards the beach from the place - it was a seaside city, but it was still both Lancaster and York in my head. Then as the sun came up, we went into a bar/restaurant, and he continued drinking and as I was talking to the manager, he went outside and either threw up or fell over the pretty branch bannister, breaking it. Manager was going to call the cops and I laughed and gathered my friend up and continued walking... seems I didn't have to worry about police at all and the impression in the dream was that the police didn't even pay us any attention.

The dream ended at the climbing through the window of the abandoned building. On one side, where the salt was, it was cloudy and slightly chilly, but on the other side of the house, the sun was shining brightly and it was warmer.

Other things happened - all involving establishments that ended up kicking us out 'cause we were creating a disturbance - no, there was NO hanky panky with the drunk married young man - and walking through a seedy, oddly NYCish landscape by the sea with huge factories in green and red and pale colors denoted the bar/restaraurant and the stripjoint.

I woke up from that dream in a very good mood, bouyant, even, but it was 2:fucking 30 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep. It was an odd day.

I HATE HATE HATE my contacts. Soon arrives the big question; money for what will I decide to deny so that I can get glasses? I need them desperately.

I'm working OT this week. 8am - 9pm M-W-F and 10am-9pm T-Th. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?????

On the other hand, I like working all day. I'll go home and crash and get up the next day and do it again and it's only for two weeks, though I wish I had excluded Friday (only 'cause I want to go see Ray, but I'll have to deal like a big girl). I tend to bore easily at home and now I'm not bored.

But I'm going to be sooooo tired....

I had a very pleasant weekend with Oddity, even with the breakdown in communication and tears for a brief minute on Friday evening and the uncomfortable knowledge that he was being cantankerous most of Saturday. I can live with that; I only see him weekends and this will give me the coping skills for when we are closer to each other.

He does need his space; this is a very concrete reality. It will do me good to not jump in with both feet, and will give me the chance to also be on my own without being totally alone. That is, he loves me. I worry for him but he's coped like this for years. I will accept.

On the other hand, can he accept me the way I am? He decries my 'dreamworld' which I consider my healthy optimism. I know the life he lead and accept that he needs to feel rooted in harsh reality. Can he accept that my reality was too harsh to accept and that I can function better with being optimistic to the point of wishful thinking?

Then again, I've had LOTS of lucky breaks in life and that does lead me to believe that they will continue. Maybe things won't fall into my lap as they did in NY, but they will work out. And if they don't, I'll still be optimistic. He's not like me; he doesn't fall into depression and have to take meds for it. I don't want to go there. I'm not changing; I'm not asking him to change either. He is who he is and I am who I am. I know I can adapt; can he? I sure hope so.

He danced with me for the U2 cover band Saturday night, to the romantic slow songs. He introduced me to more people (whom I want to stay in touch with - they're fantastic!) and this means I may have a small foundation of Lancaster friends to hang with when I'm not spending time with him, which also gives him his space and his freedom to be with his friends.

I never asked to be entertained. I just want to be loved - and I want the world to know I'm loved. I would announce it from the rooftops, if I could = yes, Oddity is MY love! He's MINE!

yea, I know I'm possessive. sorta. :) He fell asleep, the shots catching up to him, cradled in my breasts. I held his head to my chest as he fell asleep, kissing his shaved pate, his arms around my waist. I love holding him. And it makes me feel indescribably wonderful when in his sleep he gathers me up to his chest, his arms around me, snoring into my cheek. Sometimes he'll kiss my forehead or my shoulder if my back is to him and he's wrapped around me.

I'm always happy to hear from him. I hope this doesn't alarm him, the way I am. This is how I love. At this age, fuck it. I won't tone it down. This is me.

Sunday I went to see my youngest; she lost her job. She was so distressed and upset - I cried with her but hopefully she remembers what I told her - this is something better to happen while she's here and learn to cope with it rather than when it actually makes a difference and her entire world would collapse. I've been there. So have many of my friends. We've lost so much over the years...

I woke up at 2:30am and finally just got out of bed at 4am 'cause I simply was NOT sleepy. It's 3:10pm now and my eyes sting, but it's from the contacts and not from lack of sleep.

I know it will catch up with me. I hope I get a chance to read myspace tonight when I get home, but I'll probably be so dead I'll just crawl into bed and tell Capt A to make his own breakfast 'n lunch. But we'll see.

Not driving SUCKS. But every time I think of how much money I will NEED to make to be able to drive, it frightens me. How do people do it?

What with the price of gas and insurance and the cost of a car, you're paying almost as much as you would for rent. So hypothetically, 400 a month for a car, 500 for rent. Then you have utitilties. Depending on the season, 100 for electic and heat if your rent doesn't cover it (NYC it didn't; PA not sure), 50 for cable, 75 for phone, perhaps 30 for water (not always in apartment living). Then there's food. For one person (me, for instance) that's about 300 a month. Then there's the buying of the household essentials - cleaning supplies, toiletries, clothing, shoes, coats, hats, gloves, et al. If you wear contacts, add 50 a month to that. If you don't have a washer/dryer, add another $100 a month to that.

So, to make ends meet, you'd have to make almost 3000 a month. Viable, IF YOU HAVE A CAR. A Catch-22. NY, this would be poverty level.

How do I move up from not having a car?

Written to Damned Prayers' PlayList - www.myspace.com/damnedprayers

I stopped envying people who had idyllic childhoods - where the parents were loving and life was wonderful and you dream about those halcyon days of youth.

I HATED MY CHILDHOOD. I lived in a dreamworld of my making because my reality sucked. My parents were together because they had committed adultery - I'm sure they loved each other, but the fighting and the backbiting and the hoops they jumped through for each other and that fucking religion that shadowed our lives overcame any love they could show.

We were poor. But not as poor as both my parents had been as youths; that was poverty of the kind you fear in the very core of your being. My parents strove to provide us with some material stability so that we would neve go hungry as they did, or have to work at the ages they did. But on the flip side, it was awful.

We weren't really allowed friends, because friends of the 'world' was anathema to the religion. And friends within the religion could turn on you, because everyone was a backbiting bitch. My parents had very few friends. They were loners either by choice or circumstance. So we grew up as loners.

I loved attention and loved to dance. Unfortunately, I was the first child of their sin, and I know that colored how they treated me. I was the eldest, and I was female. I was both responsible for my younger brothers and less than they were. I was worthless and easy to punish. Sensitive, every word found it's mark and it hurt for years. And lets not get into the scars on my body; the physical manifestation of the determination to train me to the long and narrow. Which obviously, if you know me, didn't work all that well.

Dancing was nipped in the bud. My natural exuberance was twisted somehow. Taken advantage of by predators and unfortunate circumstances, I became what my dad called me - worthless, a slut, a whore, a prostitute. I own those names, because they were mine, it seemed.

I believed I was a succubus. I read two languages very early; I loved to read. It was my escape, and it peopled my dreamworld. And I read about succubi and incubi and knew, without a doubt, that this was what I was. And so my exuberance was channeled into something dark.

I was afraid of everything. My parents weren't a comfort. My own body rebelled against me and rejected everything put it in. I was a contantly sick child. My mother says I was a good child until I grew up; because I was a broken child inside (background: And One, Sometime). They were stunned to find out about the predators within their own midst and never thought to really believe me. How could they? They were trapped in their own hell, and this was the only way they knew to be.

My idyllic memories were the times spent away from my family. The everpresent fear of angering my dad (easily done, as dad held lots of anger) was gone; my mom the martyr wasn't around to preach to me. I was free.

When I had kids, I screwed up, and cursed them with the same childhood. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself, and so I left them to my parents. My parents encouraged this distrust and it turned into a disaster for my children.

I don't envy you with lovely childhoods anymore. I don't wish for what you had. I was dealt this card in life and it has made me who I am. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I was broken inside and still survived.

I'd rather be an adult, and aging, and where I am in life, than ever return to those memories or that life again. I will enjoy my present and my future, and retreat into my dreamworld when I desire reprieve. Enjoy the present with me as well.

When I love, it's pretty deep. It's strong. I fall hard. And I can be very loyal. But I've had my moments.

So what happened to Capt A? I loved him strong; all his annoying habits, his girth (which really was NEVER a factor; I still find him attractive), his inability to accept anyone else as having reason, whatever it was, I loved him despite it and with it.

What was the reason for my turning away from him? Oddity and Temptation would have NEVER had a chance had it been a year earlier. Even six months earlier would have made a difference.

What happened? I ask myself this every day. I will say, it eroded with the rather offhand comments he made about not wanting to commit, or the rather painful comment about the cable guy he could see me with; I need to be the most important person in your life next to your mother, your brother and your kids, if any. Then there's the lack of interest in sex. I'm sure it wasn't a lack of interest; I'm convinced I simply didn't do it for him. THAT can knock your confidence down low.

I adored him. I doted on him. But I didn't get back the kind of acceptance I gave. There... I accept and he couldn't. That may be a problem with Oddity, but I will give it time. There are other situations that make Oddity a better balance. The sex, for instance (yes, I know, TMI, but this is my private blog and I can say what I want). We are the same generation, even if we're from different backgrounds.

And I may be wrong, but Oddity NEEDS someone who will willingly dote on him, who wants to take care of him, who enjoys being his companion no matter what. I listen well; I am patient and I can understand. Even when I can't understand, I will accept. He finds it hard to accept some things, but I attribute it to the life he's lead, which in every aspect was as hard as mine and in many ways, even harsher and more painful.

And.. I know what turns him on. THIS was and still is a big issue with me, for it is tied with my self-confidence, my self-image, my self-perception. 'nuff said on that.

No one else has a chance, however good looking or accomplished or suave or clever or interesting, while I am with Oddity. It is ultimately a choice one makes, and I want to stay with him. It is my choice if I find that the going is not going to result in acceptable ends.

And THAT is gist for another blog, for another time.