"I like/where we are/when we drive/in your car/I like/where we are/here/Our lips/can touch/and our cheeks/can brush/Our lips/can touch/here/'Cause you are the one, the one who lies close to me/whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"/I fell in love/in love with you suddenly/Now there's no place else I could be/but here in your arms/(music)/I like/where you sleep/when you sleep/next to me/I like/where you sleep/here/Our lips/can touch/and our cheeks/can brush/Our lips/can touch/here...."

Hellogoodbye sings this and I love this song. Everytime I hear it, I think of Oddity. Because it's true; I like when we drive in his car, 'cause I get to touch him. And when I sleep over... it's heaven. I do, I miss him terribly. And there's no place else I want to be but in his arms.

I want to say so many things. I love the way he tastes, the way he sounds; the looks on his face. I adore his smile. His laughter, his pissy moods (this could just be new relationship energy, as my coven leader asserts), his driving, the way he sleeps (mi carita de angel). I love his eyes, his hands, his neck; the way his head is shaped. Lordie, it's bad. I want him all the time. And not necessarily to have sex. I just want to touch him, to know he's real. I really enjoy ... wow, do I have the balls to say that here? Let's just say he definitely triggers my oral fixation. He loves me!!! He thinks, as I do, that we're ideal for each other!

I might not see him for more than seven days this week. It is going to hurt. I need to be more adult about this, but it's hard. Wow, that sentence is so loaded!

I want to write poems about him; he does a good job writing them, but I find myself resorting to songs. That's where I end up, compiling music that reminds me of him. Recently, he posted Let Me Be Your Armor by Assemblage 23 for me. He posted She's My Addiction for me. That sort of stuff gets me every time. I want to post the first part of "Romancing the Stone" by State of the Union for him (the second part is for A).

He's All I Want!

it SUCKS when I'm hormonal/emotional. Stupid shit makes me cry. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Little disappointments become, in this emotional state, momentous. Sheesh.
When I get like this, I soar high or drop like a stone and it's not comfortable. I feel physical pain, like my heart is breaking, or - if it's happy stuff - as if it were trying to lift out of my chest. I shake, I feel hollow. I ate twice this morning to stave this sort of situation off, but I guess it's just a byproduct of my physiological and psychological makeup and I'll have to live through it.
Well, the good side to this is that I feel everything acutely - so when I am happy, and having a good time, I'm REALLY having a good time!
Listening to my mp3 player which is full of all sorts of love songs and ballads. At least, I don't feel that overwhelmingly obsessive desire/need to be with Oddity; it's calming down. I'm looking for work. Want to clean the house and get rid of all the crap, so that I can consolidate Teri's things and move her into the attic with me, so that Capt. A can have his space and let us stay there - I have no way to get an apartment or support one for the next six months, unless I get a better paying job (has to pay 12-15/hr and that may not be possible). I also have to drive. I can drive. I need the road experience.
I bet all these worries are what's triggering this hormonal emotional storm. Fuck.

"So far away/doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore/it would be so fine to see your face at my door/and it doesn't help to know/you're just time away/Long ago I reached for you and/there you stood/holding you again could only do me good/how I wish I could/but you're so/far away//One more song about moving along the highway/can't say much of anything that's new/if I could only work this life out my way/I'd rather spend it/being close to you....."

This day's an invitation/And it's just for you/You've got a reservation/For the 17th of June/Open your eyes and let/the sun break in for a while/There may be something/That you've never seen inside (never seen inside) /Feel how your heart beats like a heavy machine/The sound of the traffic is like a far, silent dream/The dust in the park - the exhaust from the cars/Ascends in that heated afternoon -you touch a sweaty body! / Summer in Berlin, it's alright (it's alright)/The day feels so tired/From the lead in the air and the fire in the skies/Life seemed to be a fault of grace but it's ok/It gave you a kiss/In the middle of the crossroads" Summer in Berlin, Alphaville

I got to the bus station just about at 5pm, and Oddity was waiting for me on the 16th. We talked awhile - I had to bring him up to speed on my kids; of course, this pisses everyone off. We got home with some groceries and I started cooking (because that's how I was brought up). We ate dinner and curled up on the couch - I wanted to watch a Love and Rocket video that he has. We cuddled and played around then went to bed. There are things we like doing together that I shan't note here, but we had fun and we slept happy. We should have gotten up early to go to the beach but we took our time and had more fun. I love to make him feel good.

I had the song playing in my head; it is for this reason that I took the 17th off. He offered to take me to Wildwood (where he goes with his mom to vacation every year). The drive was long, but we talked and relaxed and I love to see him in profile. I love to watch him talk, and drive; smile or frown. We got to the beach at about 12 and it was simply GLORIOUS. We had crossword puzzles and music and people watching and talking and holding of hands and ice cream (several times!) and taking sun - I got truly sunburned! - and the only bad thing is that his ear got stuffed up that morning and it was bothering him. I wish I could have taken that for him!

We walked practically the length of the beach AND the broadwalk. He showed me the places he visited when with his mom, and what they did, and the people he met, where he parked, the stores that disappeared, stories about people they see every year, the clubs and how they are migrating to suit the yuppy/college crowd, condo buying et al folks. We watched the scary rides and the water rides and In Between days was playing at some point at the water park area.

We ate at the Lobster Shack - deLIcious! - and just strolled. It was a perfect day, truly, to spend with him. I love being around him to listen to him talk, to speak to him.

On our way home, the conversation again turned to the kids. I know he gets pissed off about them, and I wish I could keep this out of the conversation now. But he cares, and that is endearing. Otherwise, we saw the sun set, a military airplane land (sorta), the full moon rising. We drove past where his mom worked and lived for a while. His auto accident was sometime around late 1990. This and his dad's death figure very large in his life, as does his brother and his mom.

We got home and got ready for bed, but sleep wasn't the first thing on the menu. Again, this was perfect. I can't imagine any better close to a perfect day. And then this morning, the 18th, I made him feel good again - I love doing that. I truly do.

I daydream of moving to Lancaster to be close to him, or learning to drive. When I got home, I did drive A's new Ford Escape to repark it. It is easier the second time around. it really is. I will drive by his birthday. I need to; I need to make progress and break free of my prison.

I love him. I'd give him everything.

A few things: a little girl I resonated with I finally found out why; she was molested. I want to kill who did it - and I rather like the fellow. Or used to. Now I just want him dead.

I have head lice. I don't know where it came from or why it's happening to me NOW. just that I found an adult louse crawling through my foam earpiece at work and totally flaked out. In a quiet way. I lost it when I got home, though. Cleaning everything.

My son told my parents about my breaking up with Capt. A and a little about Oddity. It wasn't a pleasant conversation.

Temptation found himself falling in love with me. He's a wonderful dear friend and I wish I could undo that for him. It's flattering, and I'm betting it would not have happened had I not become inaccessible. He states he will get over it. I will be sure to stay his friend no matter what. I just wish other girls would see what I saw in him.

Oddity is definitely my match. There's no one like him. Yesterday his computer died; today our phones are fucked up for some unfathomable reason and tonight I think I'm going to crash like a ton of bricks.

I have no money to go to my therapy appointment. Frantically looking for my credit card. I could have sworn I had it in my wallet, but I don't.

Listening to my mp3 player, the song Angel One came on "how did you know? When I loved your body, my mind was with someone else? How did you know? I've made my decision and someone's is going to hurt. Sometimes people are made to stay; Maybe I will be some day" I always think of Capt. A now with this song.

I know he's angry. I also know that I took a risk in staying overnight Tuesday night - I wanted to see Ritter's Alternative night (and it was GREAT) though the poor turnout may work against it (Tuesday night, c'mon now). But I could not bear to make anyone drive me home at 1am and turn around and return to lancaster... that's just wrong.

I also took a risk 'cause I'm pretty sure calling in today is going to be the deathknell of my job. I'm burned out on the job; I can't understand how people can do it, go day after day to the same place doing the same thing. And I always feel like I'm that greek god who has to roll that huge rock uphill and never ever makes it.. or makes it to had to start all over again. I'm so frustrated I cry.

so many things I'm risking because of this emotional force. I had stability, but no passion. I had a home and a man who would have never betrayed me, but who also sounded like he'd never commit completely to me either. I have a steady job, but I can't take the daily grind. How the hell am I going to survive if I've not developed the coping skills for losing my soul? Because that what it felt like - I was bartering my soul for stability.

Not everyone is like that; why do I have to be the flake? Okay, my brothers are the same, but still - what fucked-up-edness caused this?

I watch Oddity in bed, sleeping; he's like the oddest angelic creature I've ever seen. I feel so protective AND protected when I look at him. Gangly limbs and a face that goes from pretty forbidding to tenderly vulnerable. I love looking into his eyes. Goddess, I want to protect him and baby him and take care of him and never see sorrow or pain in those eyes!

I'm hoping this obsessive emotion is calming down - at least so I can function from day to day. I'll need to refocus. I don't want it to go away. I've found my match, my other half, the pieces to my heart. He's filled all the little empty spaces inside me (get your mind out of the gutter). I'm his everything. I'm the joy in his eyes. He's the beat of my heart. Goddess, thank you.

What do you do when you know something is so fucking right, so fucking perfect, but you can't do anything about it at the moment? God, I could toss everything in my life out (except music, books, kids and dogs) just to start fresh with the perfect person. I wish I could write this on my LiveJournal or on MySpace, just to crow about it.

I kind of figured that the Right One would come when I was older. It still kicked me in the head when it happened. My chimes are still ringing (well, that could be for other reasons too... blush) and I'm still reeling from how absolutely awesome this is. I literally am in awe; I can stare at him for hours, amazed at the experience. I am being good at controlling the evil vicious spic green monster when girls he's known for-like-ever comes up and eats the candy from around his neck - MY NECK, MY MAN, MY CANDY! I know I'm being irrational; if any of them had any real interest or had he been interested that way, it would have already happened. I just have to keep telling myself that I've finally got what I wanted, what I deserve, and that it's not going anywhere - 'cause I'm what he wanted, what he deserves, what he's been looking for.

Mutual admiration society here. Someone who gives out what I give out. It is unbelieveable how perfect it feels. I've so got to pare my life down and get ready to start new on my own - so that we can be the unit, the item, the entity that we should be. In the open. With or without approval - doesn't matter, 'cause it's just us two. He's my heart, my soul, my everything. He's real, he's sexy, he's tender, he's startling, he's strong, unique, odd, different, fantastic, tasty, interesting, amazing, mine. He's mine. I'm his. I'm all his.

I just read that a friend of mine had been attacked and raped not too long ago. I can't describe to you the hate, fury, evil vicious emotions this causes. I HATE RAPISTS. They should die slowly and as painfully as possible. They are the ultimate bully, the devil in flesh, the deepest evil on this planet. That would be the only reason for hell; for rapists to eternally boil and scream and never receive mercy.

I'm shaking. Not sure why. It could be exhaustion, emotion, lack of sleep, hunger (need meat!), anger, frustration, hate of this job...

I know what my son and daughter go through when they want to make a life change. Nothing works as fast as we want it to. I want to have a new job and start fresh; I have to pare down my belongings and baggage. I feel trapped by Teri's shenanigans and fear living with her alone because I can't control what she does. This is not the way for a mom to feel!!! I want to spend time with my new friends and old friends and still be able to focus on my home and pets and kid and life. I want to make Capt A happy but I am not in love with him. I want to start new with Oddity and still be on my own. I want to live by myself and see what that's like here, where the rush isn't present. Lancaster seems like a happening place and my new friends are there, but I don't want to leave York or my friends here. I want to see what living in Harrisburg would be like - and working there!

I want to be self sufficient, and I want to take care of Oddity and his concerns. I want to have a place I can bring my granddaughter to and enjoy her company; I want to be independent enough to make my eldest proud. I need to be on my own, the sooner the better. Capt. A said I would be that way, all sails to the wind, precariously perched.

I want to grow old with Oddity. I want to be young with my future grandchildren. I want to be free. I want to stop shaking!!!!

So instead of taking a shower and getting ready for work, I'm posting another secret blog. I am so fucking pissed off at Captain A. He's thanking other people for listening to him this weekend; I understand his need for that and I am not pissed at that. I am pissed that 4 years of being almost the ONLY soundingboard he had is NOT FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED. He's never really taken me for granted, but I was the person who listened to all his ideas, hopes, fears, schemes, thoughts, gaming rants, gaming excitements - I know all about Eve because he spoke about every action he took on that game for weeks on end. I was the person to listen to him for any little thing. When I took an active approach to his ideas, however, he thought I was tearing him down (which I wasn't).

I didn't get the same level of feedback I gave. He couldn't read my papers because I wrote so obtrusely. He couldn't JUST listen to me (but he could not do more than one thing at a time????) I obviously wasn't as interesting as his headspace was.

And it's not so much the listening thing that pissed me off; it's indicative of the greater arch of Captain A behavior. HE DOES NOT GIVE WHAT HE EXPECTS TO GET FROM OTHER PEOPLE. He simply doesn't get the clue that you get what you give out, and can't understand why his brother or friends sometimes pull away from his ideas or conversation. He is not cooperative, though he thinks he is.

Gah. I'm ticked. I'm furious. I've got to calm down.

To hell with it. If anyone reads this that wants to start trouble, this is gist for the mill. I am with Ray. I am his girl. woman. whatever. We were MEANT for each other. It really feels like he's the missing piece to me. He feels the same way. There's still so much we have to work out individually that will make this a challenging relationship. But it is a relationship. We work together. We're not even awkward with each other, though there are situations that may seem that way. The music, the moods, the talking, the connection, the peace we feel with each other. Walking hand in hand; just being together with no expectations other than enjoying each other's company. Granted, this is all very brand new and we're really just getting to know each other. But, for once in MY life, I'm someone's world and he's letting me know this! He's my world and he accepts this!

I'm happy, even though I've got to work on a lot of things in my life to be able to make this work - kids and baggage and job and living arrangements. He's got his things to handle too; this brings to mind the Depeche Mode song "Shake The Disease".

It feels right. It feels like I've come home. I feel like I've found the person I've been looking for. and he tells me the feeling is mutual. Dear goddess, let this be real and lasting. I'm afraid.

It will soon be time to change my MS status. I just wish there was a way to say "not single, not looking, fuck off" until I can announce I'm in a relationship again.

Somos amantes. Ni en suenos pensaba que iba ser como fue esta noche. Ave maria, que sensual! y nos dormimos abrazados, sudando, cansados y contentos. Y todavia, queda mas - porque aunque somos amantes, no se ha consumido completamente. Estuvimos nerviosos - diablo, YO, timida! Nunca! pero con el, si; sus ojos de nenito y su sonrisa de angel son tesoros de mi memoria. Me lo quise comer de pie a cabeza. Quise abrazarlo y cariciarlo y besarlo tiernamente. Me latia el corazon como un ataque de corazon; me quede sin respiracion cada vez que me besaba. Y le gusta besar. Aye, diosa, si pudiera describir su carita amante! Y me dice, despues, en chat: nunca pensaba yo que ibas a ser tal maravilla, entendida y que eres mi novia! Que suerte tengo! me dice el.

Se lo merece. Le quiero dar todo lo que pueda, pero tengo que dar pasitos pequenos; son muchas los obstaculos que tengo al frente mio antes de quedarme libre para amarlo.

I wrote in spanish for the gossipmongers, if any reads this, not to have a feast.

Revisiting an older blog about a story idea: What if your longevity was directly connected to the deaths of others on this planet? What if the recent disasters that have struck China, Myanmar, Indonesia, the Midwestern US, etc - and the deaths from the wars and guerrilla actions occurring as we speak - prolongs your life - gives you youth-gives you vitality? Would you want to live that way? Would you continue living knowing it is dependent on the deaths of hundreds or thousands of people?

What if there were only one of you? Would that make a difference? What if there were more of you, and you could never know their motivations? What ethical values could you hold if your life depended on deaths?

Me ama y es sensible - paso a paso, me dice, con calma llegamos adonde queremos estar. Por ahora, disfrutemos de los momentos juntos y los dias separados son para establecernos y crecer.
Somos novios, me dice; no estuve segura hasta anoche. No soy una mujer paciente; lo quiero todo ahora, pero en verdad se que esa manera de ser me echa a perderlo todo. El esta nervioso - lo seria cualquiera que cumple los 46 sin tener un amor solido a pasar de familia. Este ano el cruza caminos con su pai, quien murio a los 46 de un ataque al corazon enfrente de su familia. Esta experiencia lo ha afectado mucho; y que, este ano, el sobrevivira su pai es algo emocional y extrano.
La edad es lo que mas me atrae. Este ano cumplo los 44; aparento mas joven. El tambien no aparenta su edad. Somos locos, fisicos, bailando con gente la mitad de nuestra edad y duramos mas. Es un romantico, y yo soy de las que brincan antes de mirar.
No nos hemos dicho "Te Amo" y quizas no se dira hasta que tiempo pase. Lo dire aqui, donde nadie le importa: Te Amo, Raro.

Tratando de escribir algo que exprese como me siento al momento y me recorde que puedo decirlo en espanol - y los que buscan chisme no lo entenderan porque solo saben ingles.

Lo quiero. Tengo temor que sea temporario - que mis emociones son solo por razon de temporada o situacion o atencion. No hablo del Capitan; hablo del que llamo el Raro. Ni Tentacion me hico sentir como solo una mirada del Raro me hace sentir. Y lo pense raro, casi idiota, un hombre/nene. Pero empeze a conversar, a compartir con el. Pasamos tiempo juntos hablando y la conecion se hizo aparente. Ya estaba, desde que primero lo vi. Ojos intensos y tristes, escondido bajo su maquillaje negro, bajo su construcciones de cabello. Y al conocer que me llevaba dos anos - es de mi edad, major que yo - y bailaba con energia, me cambio la mente.

Somos iquales en muchas cosas. Nos encantamos la belleza diaria de la vida. Las locuras de la vida son para chistes y revelaciones. Podemos divertirnos de cualquier manera y no quedarnos al afuera de las cosas, pero no somos personas sociales. Apreciamos lo que tenemos y no somos ambiciosos o envidiamos lo que tienen otros. Nuestras mananas son ocasion de alegria, y las noches son preciosos.

El es un romantico, y me dice las cosas que quiero yo decirle, tal como y cuando yo las pienso. Tiene pasion para la vida y el amor, tanto fisico como emocional. Es timido y rebelde, callado y sin embargo, todos lo conocen, lo ven, lo oyen. No se cree superinteligente; es humilde y carinoso. Su manera de hablar aparenta timidez, pero es mas pensando bien lo que dice.

Quiero exploralo mas. Quiero ver y saber que esto dure. Quiero estar segura que ESTE hombre es con quien me quedare, y que yo sea la que reside en su corazon y en su alma. Ahora mismo, siento como si el es el que me completa. El y yo juntos hacemos una alma. 1+1 no son dos; es uno, unidos, con un corazon y un suspiro entre los dos. Creo que lo amo. Pero es tan intenso al momento; que pasara con el invierno, y los cambios de vida que inicie con terminar con el Capitan? Sobrevivira este amor? Es verdaderamente Amor?

Pido con mi corazon lleno de el Raro que este si es amor que dure para lo que queda de nuestras vidas. Pido que seamos uno al otro lo que nos completa, lo que hemos buscado separado por tantos anos.

Cuando conoci al Capitan, eramos dos solitarios buscando quien nos viera como companeros de amor. Nos reconocimos y nos enamoramos. No he dejado de amarlo; solo que, ya no lo amo como amante. Siento una pesadez emocional al pensar como lo heri; me siento injusta, malevola, sin consciencia. Con el Raro, yo hasta lo evite. Me quede alejada de el; no quise compartir de mi tiempo o conversacion. Supongo que ya era muy tarde; ya mi corazon reconocio su mitad perdida. No pude mentir al Capitan - al mismo tiempo, no puedo ni pude decir que deje de amarlo porque me enamore de otro. Pero no le iba pasar el mal rato que yo pase cuando el Dragon se enamoro de la otra sin aunque sea separarse de mi. No se lo pido a nadie, que se siente como me senti cuando ella lo dejo saber que quedo encinta de el - y el me engano. No se lo voy a hacer al Capitan.

Se que al principio de cualquier amor las emociones son intensas y de major parte temporarias. Espero que no sea tal cosa en esta situacion. Lo quiero. Te quiero, Raro. Te adoro, te amo. Quiero llegar a conocerte mas, y espero que no termine como se siente estar contigo, comodos, alegres, quietos. Si lo hay en el futuro, llevare tu nombre con orgullo y amor. Pido a las fuerzas de la vida que seamos uno y que al final de nuestras vidas quedaremos tu y yo mano en mano.

She's My Addiction - Third Realm
Inject your life in me/Set the vein so silently/Speak the works that make me cry/Say our love will never die//Skip the days to live the nights/Burn the candles, kill the lights/Soul inside reveals the need/shows the world our love will bleed (line 3x)//(chorus) My meaning of life/My dark affliction/She's better than fiction - She's my addiction (2x)//And this addiction cuts like a knife/it loves to watch me bleed(4x)

Last night not only did the dj (you rock, Kiltboy) play hardass industrial (and somehow, even gave me a moshpit to So What... FUCKING A!!!) he also played Afterhours for me (which I 'sang' to Oddity) and some of what Oddity asked him to. It was a great night.. my throat still hurts and let's NOT get into what my body feels like!

Ah, but some of the memories of last night are so very pleasant. They kept me warm last night. I must have looked like a fool last night, flailing about; but it was great.

Songs for the breakup: Deeper Than the Usual Feeling; Angel One; Poison - all Beborn Beton stuff recently acquired. And I kept running into other songs that remind me of Capt A and the night I told him I no longer loved him. Ouch.

Life's Great Adventure... let's see what happens. I'm hopeful and scared.

I miss him. He's still in the same room and I miss him. He was my best friend as well as my lover. I wanted so badly to marry him. And now I miss the closeness.. but I know I was going to cheat on him. It's horrible. I hate emotions.

And he's playing the soundtrack from the movie 'Once'. We saw it together. I thought it was very romantic and sad. It made me want to be closer to him. I guess guys don't think that way. I think I felt disappointed that he didn't take that emotion and feed it into me.

I'm buying that album. It will be the memory of him and I. My ex, Capt. A.

It took a while. But I did it. Last night he rolled over and asked me 'Why don't you like me anymore?'. I said 'I like you well enough; I just don't love you anymore.'

I wanted to retract those words. Perhaps the night before the start of the work week was not the right time. But as it usually is with Capt A, it was the only time I was going to be heard.

I broke the heart of a man that's good and true and loved me. But I won't lead him on, and I'd be lying to myself if I thought I could just hang on a little more. I've completely screwed myself; I've no driving skills, no money, no place to go. I've friends at least and I will never return to NY.

He said, if what it took was to get my wedding ring and marry me tomorrow, he'd do it. He didn't want to lose me. What I had dreamed of, that he would ask me in front of his friends at the Summer Extravaganza to marry me, he said would have happened this year.

But so much changed this year. He asked me if my going out dancing with those guys - Mohawk Guy and Wierd Eyes - had anything to do with it. Only in that I got the attention and the reinforcement of my ego that I had wanted from him.

No matter what happens, Capt A is, was and will always be the best man I've ever been with. No one has ever done what he's done for me. My karmic debt is going to be killer for this. I start paying it today.

For Oddity:
"When people keep repeating/that you'll never fall in love/When everybody keeps retreating/and you can't seem to get enough/Let my Love Open the Door/Let my love open the door/let my love open the door/to your heart
I've got the only key to your heart/I can stop you from falling apart/Try today to find the way/come on and give me the chance to say
Let my love / Let my love (open the door) to your heart. "
Boy, am I in trouble. I feel like a schoolgirl and then I feel awful. Any which way I look at this it's going to be painful before it's good. And I can't get him out of my head. And it feels so good.