So... I got hit by a car Sunday, 12/21, at about 4:20pm at Mt. Rose & Haines. I.. well... I ran into the turn lane thinking the car woudl see me. when I realized impact was imminent, I realized the driver had not seen me.

Ouch.

I rolled over the passenger side and landed with my feet on the curb I was trying to reach, but the rest of me was on the road. People stopped and took care of me. I was shaking alot, both from cold and shock. But I was lucid and coherent.

I had someone call Capt A. He was closer and more familiar with everything. It hurt Oddity a little, but he's an adult and knows the situation. Capt A is pretty damn wonderful in his own right. After all the xrays and CATscans et al, he sat with me in the trauma center while the results were being processed. At one point, he got up to go to eat something, and the nurse said it was obvious he was still very much in love with me.

Ouch.

Oddity came by to see me last night and I know as much as I still feel for Capt A, I want to be with Oddity. Capt A and I get along on sooooo many things and we fit so many ways well together. But Oddity really feels like my other half. I feel we complement each other.

Not to mention I love him to death and am powerfully attracted to him even when I disagree with him.

I feel more appreciated with Oddity, for some reason. Like everything I do means something to him, directly, emotionally. I feel more connected to him. I want to be on my own to show that I can be, and to make him feel a little more secure about me.

One thing I definitely am learning out here - you HAVE to be able to fend for yourself. NYC, I didn't choose well. Out here, you're not the only one choosing.

I need to drive. I hope that my driving test is not an utter failure.

Off to soak in epson salts. Oh, car accident: broke the right side of my pubic bone and putative fracture of one of the thoracic vertabrae, and my face looks like a southpaw took a swing. Out of work for three days - lost all taht OT! - at doctor's orders.

But I essentially 'walked away' from this one. I don't want to do this again. It was frightening.

Too much emotion. I love Oddity pretty well nuts. I wish my kids would get it together. I wish I could help Capt A more. I want a new job. whine whine bitch moan rant rave wah wah.

I want to be with Oddity pretty badly. Reinitiating job searches, but we all know the truth of the matter is that until the economy turns, I'm stuck. and I have to learn to drive no matter what. something's gonna have to give.

rats.

I love him. Oddity is perfect.

Okay, there are and will always be issues. We are learning about each other and he's got his issues with me - my nondriving, my needy kids, my physical distance, my spanish. I have a few too - his surliness when he's had a little too much to drink, his inability to just accept.

I inadvertently hurt him by leaving Sunday morning without attempting to wake him up. I did, but I did not want him to bitch or rant - even if it wasn't at me, I couldn't deal with it after the last two drunk surly sorties. But I hate myself for making him cry. Gods, but I love the man. My heart breaks when I remember, and I know that when I explained to him his behavior, he also hurt.

We're adults. We'll deal. I want to be with him and I'm fully aware we're still not fully a year together. I won't wish, or hope, that he is The One. On the other hand, I want to make it happen. I want him to be The One. If there is such a thing. He feels so right next to me. I feel right next to him. I hope he doesn't change. And yet, I hope we grow together.

I hope we become so interlaced that neither of us can live without the other.

I'm in a mood. I know part of it is 'cause I want to spend time with Oddity (alone time, preferably naked) and this is a form of emotional temper tantrum. This feeds into the whole 'I don't drive and life sucks' thing, and I'm frustrated because I could be working for more money and am simply not focused enough. I don't know if I can get to see my daughter at the residential facility or if she can sleep over with me (I have to find a place we can sleep over at, 'cause Capt A doesn't want her here). I don't make enough money at all.

And Assemblage 23 has lots of dark, almost suicidal songs. I know that Failure has to be a son asking his parent why his parent committed suicide. There's another song, rather sweetly folksy, but very dark, by Innocence Mission, called You Are The Light, which seriously seems to be about someone visiting the house of someone who died. NOT the best of listening things during winter. gah.

And the pain in my hip is back.

I want my Oddity. Wah.

So Temptation shuts down our link so that he can heal. It is rough on him I know; and I know I'm being selfish when I say I wish he didn't have to do that.

Oddity and I had a very good weekend. It was my b'day on Saturday; DancingBean and Oddity planned a dance roadtrip for my b'day Friday night. I could not go home with Oddity Friday night and that broke my heart. But I got to go over Saturday.

I love being around him. I'll admit it, I'm a goner for him.

Driving home on the highway, there was an overbridge that looked like if it opened to another world - over it was dark sky, but under it was bright gold. In fact, it framed a well lit factory wall.

We ate at a diner and I had the sudden feeling that we were in one of those movies, like the one with Woody Harrelson and that chick wherein the song ShitList comes in, or something like The Day The Earth Stood Still, or an X-files movie, or the one where Nicholas Cage can see several minutes into possible futures and reset. See, the diner is one of those old fashioned shiny ones, with the flourescent lights, and it was dark outside, and someone started up the jukebox with some bluesy country song... and it was surreal. Either this diner would be the last oasis of humanity, or hell on earth. It would be a crossroads of temporal events or the place where Arthur Dent finds out the earth is due for demolition. I was in a fanciful headspace, what can I say?

I missed my dog. I wish I could have my world as I want it.

My son never called me for my b'day. He is going to PAY.

Edit: He called Thursday. He leaves for Boot Camp in May, they tell him, because MEPS is full. Hrm. He should join the Peace Corp or Job Corp or something that keeps him out of trouble. Here's to hoping.

I'm sick. Not sure what I have. Friday I felt like I was overheating and simply couldn't think. Every bone in my body hurt, ached, felt like it was on fire. Even my face.

It comes and goes. mebbe it's the Change (and I would be SO FUCKING HAPPY). Or, my body is fighting the flu. OR, I had started drinking a tea with Acai Berry (a Zinger by Celestial Seasonings) and my body simply doesn't like it. Hrm...

Oddity and I had a great weekend. We are comfortable together, even when we argue. Okay, I don't argue 'cause I know I'm not going to get my point across. He is a little difficult sometimes, but that's the way he is. Direct, simple and straightforward. I tend to be more convoluted. A LOT geekier. eh.

Jobs: Went on an interview Thursday in Harrisburg; got a request for an interview IN YORK Saturday. I get this feeling things will fall into place, but let me not count my chickens before they hatch. Heh, they're not even laid, yet!

Got my story into NanoWriMo - now to expand and work on it. I personally think it's too wordy. I need space and time to focus on it.

My birthday's this weekend. I am a proud 44 years old.

So tired.
So very tired of the drama
of the push/pull of my heart
of the cacophony in my head.

So sleepy.
Why can't I just sleep
Fall into endless slumber
Never wake up again.

I know
Giving up is not an option
Running away is not a given
But oh, to sleep
and never have to deal with
any of this ever again.

To sleep
without dreams
endlessly.

I love gingerbread cookies, especially with icing.

I cannot stand sitting in my chair at work. It hurts my legs and my tailbone. I also hate the arms and wish I could tear them off. I'd rather stand (which my feet, of course, do not appreciate).

My hair falls out but there's still hair on my head. ALOT of it.

I've noticed that people with houses and money call about defective products. Poor people don't call.

I find I like fall and winter; I just don't like the cold.

I wore a Star Trek Next Generation shirt to work on Halloween, in direct flouting of the 'no costume' rule. Stupid job.

I do not like the people my son and youngest befriended. I hate dealing with them.

I am not like anyone you've ever met. Don't pigeonhole me. Don't assume.

I like to sing. I lived in the songs I grew up with, and it is just me.

I am very giving and accomodating.

I LOVE MY ODDITY!!!! He is meeting me tomorrow (we weren't going to be able to meet at all this weekend - oh poop! but he's making the effort!!!) for steaks. I think he's going to dress up as gandhi... LOL for dinner! Oh, he's freaking fantastic. I am very much in love.

I do not like to complain, nor do I like to ask for favors. I try very hard to be self-sufficient.

I love to eat.

Silent tears while words scroll
Quietly accepting
We are all different
Life is as it is.

I will always forgive
I will always love
I will always show mercy
I will always empathize
Or I would not be me.

And while you do not understand
If I weren't what you rail against
you would not love me.
If I were like you,
you would not like me.
Ironic, isn't it?

I choose how I feel.
I choose not to let
your words wound me.
I carry on, and you never know
just how deep it went.
And I forgive, and I love.
You will never understand
Because you choose not to.

Oh, Murphy's law.

Last night both Ray and I dreamt of financial ruin and chaos, albeit differently. Today I got a call that I answered - from Harrisburg, re a job I applied for, Clerk Typist for a state office job. Despite the fact there is a hiring freeze, I have an interview for Nov. 7th, at 10am. But I don't know if I had the time available from my current job, especially since I already took off Nov 17 for my bday.

Lo and behold, I get back to my desk to find an email from my boss stating that we have yet to take our extra personal day this year. I'm set.

I'm excited. I texted everyone including my mom and she called back to congratulate me. Everyone else texted back (and Temptation sent me a picture of his crazy face smiling!). I know Oddity is worried, but it's going to be okay.

So I happily go potty (yes, I know, TMI) and this weekend is my free weekend with Oddity - and I get my period today. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Not fair! I promised I'd wear a teddy!!!! Drat it all to HELL!

Well, it had to happen. Things couldn't go 100% my way....

I bruise you, you bruise me. We both bruise, too easily; too easily, to let it show. I love you, and that's all I know.

Oddity's been the only person who's photographed with me kissing him, or holding him.

Good lesson learned by him over the weekend; that his actions make people question his words. I had been trying to show him this re the young woman but he wasn't getting it. I think he got it over the weekend. I don't expect him to change; I do expect him to be more aware.

When exactly did I lose my heart to Oddity? The night he drove me home from Smalls, when he took off the fauxhawk and put on that hat... suddenly I was seeing someone new. I felt my world shift that night. I love when he wears that hat.

I hugged him at Ulanas, grateful suddenly that he was around. I think that was before Smalls. He wanted to sit next to me on our weekend out; he sat next to me and put his hand on my thigh. Why didn't I react? I felt it belonged there. After Ulanas, I felt like I would hurt anyone who messed with him. After Ulanas, I felt he was mine.

I wanted to kiss him something awful when he dropped me off at my house. But I didn't want to mess up what I had at home.

Then the party, where I was so excited for him to get there, and when he stomped off and I realized I had lost my heart to him. "I love him," I said out loud, and it was true.

I'm not the easiest of persons to get along with; I've got problems. I am difficult, but I'm also very understanding and caring and giving. I'm struggling not to put him on a pedestal like everyone else I've dated. I feel, really feel, that he's the missing part of me. Even when he pisses me off!

I learned alot of things through listening to what I call 'my music'. For instance: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago:

Everyone needs a little time away/I heard her say/from each other
Even lovers need a holiday/far away from the one that they love
Hold me now/it's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to know...
After all that we've been through/I will make it up to you. I promise you/And after all that's been said and done/You're just the part of me I can't let go.

What would you understand from this? Well, relationships need work. You can feel frustrated with someone so much that you want to walk away; but that is not permanent. Saying "I'm Sorry" and meaning it helps - as does accepting the apology (Hold me now). It takes two.

But, as my friend Maria said, too much togetherness breeds contempt (actually she said it in spanish and much more colorful: la carne, junto mucho, hiede). So time apart - in other words, be your own person even in a relationship - is healthy and probably for the best.

Cool Change by Little River Band: It's alright to be alone.
Come Sail Away by Styx: Dreams are wonderful, but as you age you change; don't give up adventure or new things. There's always hope.
Reminiscing by Little River Band: remember the good times. this is healthy.
Cruising by Smokey Robinson: just spending time with each other is precious.
Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks: Live your life every day; even when you are dying, those memories will be there to sweeten the passage. Value the people around you. Love them.
Blasphemous Rumors: suicide hurts everyone and helps no one. death is meaningless and random. God plays no part in it.
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin: Yes, I found meaning in that one. It fits in my warped worldview. DREAM. Life is as fantastic as you wish it. Strive. Seek. Live. Dream.
Hotel California by the Eagles: Pretty Party People are sinkholes.
Bargain by The Who: Value who loves you
Baba O'Riley by The Who: look forward and enjoy life now

More to come as I think of them....

I have very very lucid, vivid dreams. I enjoy this; it makes my sleep time quite fun. Most of the time anyway. This does mean I have very vivid nightmares...

But this is not about a nightmare. This was a dream I have a couple of nights ago that I enjoyed very much.

I was in some city and had to get a bus. I remember brownstones and then getting on a bus that was more like a cabin in a plane, but it was a bus. It was crowded and was one of those tour bus things, with people in various stages of relaxation/preparation. I sat for a while in one seat, chatting up someone about where I was going (the next stop!) to see/meet up with my boyfriend. Then I moved to another seat near a window, and had the guy in front of me recline his seat all the way into my lap - it was funny if rude.

He was with his wife and kids but getting drunk on the bus. Well, when I arrived where I was going (for some reason, a seaside industrial town), he followed me off. I asked him just what he thought he was doing, and he said he was trying to explore and took off in the opposite direction. It didn't take long for him to find me again.

In the dream, seeing my bf wasn't an urgency, so I told him, fine, I would lead him around. Well, we went through an industrial factory where salt was stockpiled and turning green (I know that means something chemically, but I can't recall what) and I refuseed to go through it because I was wearing my heeled thongs (yet, earlier, we went by a stripjoint and basically acted punked out inside and outside when we got kicked out, I was wearing sneakers). We had to get through it to get to the other side (and here I was thinking I was too far from North York and I could not remember for the life of me how to get back) and I found an abandoned building that had a back way around the huge salt dump. There we were joined by a few thugs and one dealer and we climbed through a gated window down a gated metal outdoor stairwell. I thought I wouldn't fit, but I did...

Earlier we had been walking through some seedy place, and it was either nighttime or predawn. I was nattering cheerily with this drunk married young man, being goofy and keeping him at a distance. We decided to go into a stripjoint, and we were kicked out and I walked on the bannisters of the porch and down towards the beach from the place - it was a seaside city, but it was still both Lancaster and York in my head. Then as the sun came up, we went into a bar/restaurant, and he continued drinking and as I was talking to the manager, he went outside and either threw up or fell over the pretty branch bannister, breaking it. Manager was going to call the cops and I laughed and gathered my friend up and continued walking... seems I didn't have to worry about police at all and the impression in the dream was that the police didn't even pay us any attention.

The dream ended at the climbing through the window of the abandoned building. On one side, where the salt was, it was cloudy and slightly chilly, but on the other side of the house, the sun was shining brightly and it was warmer.

Other things happened - all involving establishments that ended up kicking us out 'cause we were creating a disturbance - no, there was NO hanky panky with the drunk married young man - and walking through a seedy, oddly NYCish landscape by the sea with huge factories in green and red and pale colors denoted the bar/restaraurant and the stripjoint.

I woke up from that dream in a very good mood, bouyant, even, but it was 2:fucking 30 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep. It was an odd day.

I HATE HATE HATE my contacts. Soon arrives the big question; money for what will I decide to deny so that I can get glasses? I need them desperately.

I'm working OT this week. 8am - 9pm M-W-F and 10am-9pm T-Th. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?????

On the other hand, I like working all day. I'll go home and crash and get up the next day and do it again and it's only for two weeks, though I wish I had excluded Friday (only 'cause I want to go see Ray, but I'll have to deal like a big girl). I tend to bore easily at home and now I'm not bored.

But I'm going to be sooooo tired....

I had a very pleasant weekend with Oddity, even with the breakdown in communication and tears for a brief minute on Friday evening and the uncomfortable knowledge that he was being cantankerous most of Saturday. I can live with that; I only see him weekends and this will give me the coping skills for when we are closer to each other.

He does need his space; this is a very concrete reality. It will do me good to not jump in with both feet, and will give me the chance to also be on my own without being totally alone. That is, he loves me. I worry for him but he's coped like this for years. I will accept.

On the other hand, can he accept me the way I am? He decries my 'dreamworld' which I consider my healthy optimism. I know the life he lead and accept that he needs to feel rooted in harsh reality. Can he accept that my reality was too harsh to accept and that I can function better with being optimistic to the point of wishful thinking?

Then again, I've had LOTS of lucky breaks in life and that does lead me to believe that they will continue. Maybe things won't fall into my lap as they did in NY, but they will work out. And if they don't, I'll still be optimistic. He's not like me; he doesn't fall into depression and have to take meds for it. I don't want to go there. I'm not changing; I'm not asking him to change either. He is who he is and I am who I am. I know I can adapt; can he? I sure hope so.

He danced with me for the U2 cover band Saturday night, to the romantic slow songs. He introduced me to more people (whom I want to stay in touch with - they're fantastic!) and this means I may have a small foundation of Lancaster friends to hang with when I'm not spending time with him, which also gives him his space and his freedom to be with his friends.

I never asked to be entertained. I just want to be loved - and I want the world to know I'm loved. I would announce it from the rooftops, if I could = yes, Oddity is MY love! He's MINE!

yea, I know I'm possessive. sorta. :) He fell asleep, the shots catching up to him, cradled in my breasts. I held his head to my chest as he fell asleep, kissing his shaved pate, his arms around my waist. I love holding him. And it makes me feel indescribably wonderful when in his sleep he gathers me up to his chest, his arms around me, snoring into my cheek. Sometimes he'll kiss my forehead or my shoulder if my back is to him and he's wrapped around me.

I'm always happy to hear from him. I hope this doesn't alarm him, the way I am. This is how I love. At this age, fuck it. I won't tone it down. This is me.

Sunday I went to see my youngest; she lost her job. She was so distressed and upset - I cried with her but hopefully she remembers what I told her - this is something better to happen while she's here and learn to cope with it rather than when it actually makes a difference and her entire world would collapse. I've been there. So have many of my friends. We've lost so much over the years...

I woke up at 2:30am and finally just got out of bed at 4am 'cause I simply was NOT sleepy. It's 3:10pm now and my eyes sting, but it's from the contacts and not from lack of sleep.

I know it will catch up with me. I hope I get a chance to read myspace tonight when I get home, but I'll probably be so dead I'll just crawl into bed and tell Capt A to make his own breakfast 'n lunch. But we'll see.

Not driving SUCKS. But every time I think of how much money I will NEED to make to be able to drive, it frightens me. How do people do it?

What with the price of gas and insurance and the cost of a car, you're paying almost as much as you would for rent. So hypothetically, 400 a month for a car, 500 for rent. Then you have utitilties. Depending on the season, 100 for electic and heat if your rent doesn't cover it (NYC it didn't; PA not sure), 50 for cable, 75 for phone, perhaps 30 for water (not always in apartment living). Then there's food. For one person (me, for instance) that's about 300 a month. Then there's the buying of the household essentials - cleaning supplies, toiletries, clothing, shoes, coats, hats, gloves, et al. If you wear contacts, add 50 a month to that. If you don't have a washer/dryer, add another $100 a month to that.

So, to make ends meet, you'd have to make almost 3000 a month. Viable, IF YOU HAVE A CAR. A Catch-22. NY, this would be poverty level.

How do I move up from not having a car?

Written to Damned Prayers' PlayList - www.myspace.com/damnedprayers

I stopped envying people who had idyllic childhoods - where the parents were loving and life was wonderful and you dream about those halcyon days of youth.

I HATED MY CHILDHOOD. I lived in a dreamworld of my making because my reality sucked. My parents were together because they had committed adultery - I'm sure they loved each other, but the fighting and the backbiting and the hoops they jumped through for each other and that fucking religion that shadowed our lives overcame any love they could show.

We were poor. But not as poor as both my parents had been as youths; that was poverty of the kind you fear in the very core of your being. My parents strove to provide us with some material stability so that we would neve go hungry as they did, or have to work at the ages they did. But on the flip side, it was awful.

We weren't really allowed friends, because friends of the 'world' was anathema to the religion. And friends within the religion could turn on you, because everyone was a backbiting bitch. My parents had very few friends. They were loners either by choice or circumstance. So we grew up as loners.

I loved attention and loved to dance. Unfortunately, I was the first child of their sin, and I know that colored how they treated me. I was the eldest, and I was female. I was both responsible for my younger brothers and less than they were. I was worthless and easy to punish. Sensitive, every word found it's mark and it hurt for years. And lets not get into the scars on my body; the physical manifestation of the determination to train me to the long and narrow. Which obviously, if you know me, didn't work all that well.

Dancing was nipped in the bud. My natural exuberance was twisted somehow. Taken advantage of by predators and unfortunate circumstances, I became what my dad called me - worthless, a slut, a whore, a prostitute. I own those names, because they were mine, it seemed.

I believed I was a succubus. I read two languages very early; I loved to read. It was my escape, and it peopled my dreamworld. And I read about succubi and incubi and knew, without a doubt, that this was what I was. And so my exuberance was channeled into something dark.

I was afraid of everything. My parents weren't a comfort. My own body rebelled against me and rejected everything put it in. I was a contantly sick child. My mother says I was a good child until I grew up; because I was a broken child inside (background: And One, Sometime). They were stunned to find out about the predators within their own midst and never thought to really believe me. How could they? They were trapped in their own hell, and this was the only way they knew to be.

My idyllic memories were the times spent away from my family. The everpresent fear of angering my dad (easily done, as dad held lots of anger) was gone; my mom the martyr wasn't around to preach to me. I was free.

When I had kids, I screwed up, and cursed them with the same childhood. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself, and so I left them to my parents. My parents encouraged this distrust and it turned into a disaster for my children.

I don't envy you with lovely childhoods anymore. I don't wish for what you had. I was dealt this card in life and it has made me who I am. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I was broken inside and still survived.

I'd rather be an adult, and aging, and where I am in life, than ever return to those memories or that life again. I will enjoy my present and my future, and retreat into my dreamworld when I desire reprieve. Enjoy the present with me as well.

When I love, it's pretty deep. It's strong. I fall hard. And I can be very loyal. But I've had my moments.

So what happened to Capt A? I loved him strong; all his annoying habits, his girth (which really was NEVER a factor; I still find him attractive), his inability to accept anyone else as having reason, whatever it was, I loved him despite it and with it.

What was the reason for my turning away from him? Oddity and Temptation would have NEVER had a chance had it been a year earlier. Even six months earlier would have made a difference.

What happened? I ask myself this every day. I will say, it eroded with the rather offhand comments he made about not wanting to commit, or the rather painful comment about the cable guy he could see me with; I need to be the most important person in your life next to your mother, your brother and your kids, if any. Then there's the lack of interest in sex. I'm sure it wasn't a lack of interest; I'm convinced I simply didn't do it for him. THAT can knock your confidence down low.

I adored him. I doted on him. But I didn't get back the kind of acceptance I gave. There... I accept and he couldn't. That may be a problem with Oddity, but I will give it time. There are other situations that make Oddity a better balance. The sex, for instance (yes, I know, TMI, but this is my private blog and I can say what I want). We are the same generation, even if we're from different backgrounds.

And I may be wrong, but Oddity NEEDS someone who will willingly dote on him, who wants to take care of him, who enjoys being his companion no matter what. I listen well; I am patient and I can understand. Even when I can't understand, I will accept. He finds it hard to accept some things, but I attribute it to the life he's lead, which in every aspect was as hard as mine and in many ways, even harsher and more painful.

And.. I know what turns him on. THIS was and still is a big issue with me, for it is tied with my self-confidence, my self-image, my self-perception. 'nuff said on that.

No one else has a chance, however good looking or accomplished or suave or clever or interesting, while I am with Oddity. It is ultimately a choice one makes, and I want to stay with him. It is my choice if I find that the going is not going to result in acceptable ends.

And THAT is gist for another blog, for another time.

I LOVE being busy. Today I'm alone and catching up with emails and phonecalls and everything and LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT. I'm online reading emails and blogging, too, because I prefer to be as busy as possible.

I am standing - have been standing instead of sitting for the last week or so. It hurts less, but my feet aren't happy with me.

Listening to music and wishing the batteries will hold out until I get home!

I am happy - content - satisfied for the nonce. YAY!

So wish I could support my granddaughter. I would take her in an instant, put her in the best school in the area, and keep her here with me, where people are human and not horrible beasts as they are in NY.

I've tons of bills. If I do the OT, I don't get to see Oddity. This kills me. But the bills have to be paid.

I should go out more with Suzanne; no money though. :(

No bites on jobs. Not panicking, just frustrated.

I think all I want to do is sleep. and dance. wish my hip were 100%.

Saw a huge featherduster (type of centipede? lives in cellars and basements and bathrooms) in the basement. I like them 'cause they eat cellar crickets... but that was an awful lot of cellar crickets to get that one THAT big!

Spiders all over and me with NO camera!!!! Gonna decorate my room - paint the walls a pale blue and hang spiderwebs and spider paraphenalia throughout the room. Want to bring my computer and desk into the room so I can watch movies.

Want to see my daughter; no way to get to her lately. And my weekends are getting full suddenly. I'm hoping my moon cycle holds off until at least Saturday afternoon. Best scenario Tuesday morning!

Got Roka by Calexico - I think I like all of Calexico and may want to invest in some albums. I'll see when there's free money how I can do that.

Going to see a movie called "Home" with Tall Cool One this afternoon. It's at York College at the Humanities Building and it's about the meaning of home and the history of baseball and the junction of it at the location where the Sovereign Stadium was built.

I need to ask to leave early tomorrow to catch the bus. I'll not take lunch. I want to see Oddity. I wish I didn't have to go to NY.

Yesterday, a customer called. From Queens. While we were talking, I mentioned my living in NY, as queens is never just 'Queens' but it's various 'hoods, like Forest Hills, or Bellerose, etc. I lived in Flushing for a while. He asked what I missed from NYC and I said the night life. He mentioned latina and I said actually, no - the goth/industrial scene. He was surprised at the age disparity and I mentioned that older goths have already done their piece and fade into the shadows to watch the antics of the younger set.

Then he said hold on, I'm getting a message. Someone from your family, mother? grandmother? was.. for lack of a better word, a bruja? The message is, to return to your youth, to what you loved in yoru youth.

My grandfather, on my mother's side, was a witch, a speaker to the dead. He would do something like that... and if I were to interpret it, he wants me to return to NY. Why?

Needless to say, it was creepy. I felt a chill and the customer asked me if I had felt it.... yea. Creepy.

Guess I should stop avoiding the talking to the granpere. Still, I just don't believe in life after death.

I am going to have to stay busy. I get obsessive over my emotional states and this is getting ridiculous. I will chase away the love I want if I can't keep this under control.

I am jealous, why? Because I've suffered in the past. But I have to leave the past behind and just not expect it to all go downhill.

But I do get bitchy about hypocrisy. I have to change, but you don't? Really? I can love you as you are, but you feel that I need to change something because it makes you feel bad... WELL GODDAMMIT SHIT, when do I get to tell you what you do to make me feel bad? When does it MATTER that I feel BAD about something? Don't you dare do to me what Capt A did, set aside my concerns but expect his concerns to be made No. 1.

Do NOT take me for granted.

I elected to be reserved. I walked to his house and made it there earlier than he did. Then again, he had to stay to close up.

So long as I don't broach the subject, we're okay. I am sensing he understands and on an unrelated topic, stated he does not act 'flirty' with anyone out in public or private. Only w/me.

Nevertheless, I'm going to be the person I normally am. I refuse to go into that hurt/crying jag thing I get into, like some penny novel lovelorn fool, because I expect from someone what I would give.

I know he loves me. I've just been burned too many times. So I'll behave towards the best of results and expect the worst, because that's what seems to happen when I love someone this much.

I'll always be afraid.

"Have you ever loved someone so much that you didn't care what happened to yourself, you just had to be with them? If they look at you, your heart stops... when you feel their breath on your skin it just... aches... Have you ever craved someone so much that... you just don't exist any more?"

Se que tu, Tentacion, entiendes. I did not want to feel that way. I'm 43 years old, for goodness sake! You'd think that this kind of overdone emotion would fade with age. Why can't I do things on an even keel? Why does this have to be how I feel, like a million times more than normal people feel? Gah!

Oddity went out with her last night. There may have been other nights she's gone out with him. They're just hanging, but I know she's clingy. He doesn't mind, it seems, unless I'm the one being clingy to someone else. Then he is bothered by this.

I'm doing what he said he'd do. I'm not going to stick around and get hurt again. I'm going to be me; I curtailed my actions so that I would hurt him, but he's not taking my feelings seriously. I'm going to be who I am. He don't like it, he also has to make concessions to stay with me.

I've had enough of people walking over my feelings and not paying attention to my emotions. Fuck you all. I'm out for me.

I did mention that I'm Capt A's best friend. Well, he calls me up - "got a minute?" yea. I always try to for him.

He decided to drive all of Queen Streed from YCP (the college!) to Dallastown. He passed by a General Rental place and remembered/thought about a chick he met/almost kinda dated that lived in the trailer park area behind that location. He heads out to the mall.... and sees the chick. In the flesh.

He'd not thought of this person or even touched upon that memory for years. YEARS. I'd never heard of this female or the story behind it/her. So you can imagine how freaked out he was over this incident. I think it's spectacularly WIERD. What the hell?

He says things like this have been happening to him lately. Jung's Synchroncity book explains that we humans HAVE to see some sort of pattern or sequence in what happens to us. Still, THIS WAS WIERD.

Capt A had a secret; he was practicing guitar. He didn't want his brother knowing. He almost showed his brother's wife, but he wanted to show his brother first. Well, she managed to wheedle it out of me - and told Capt A's brother. He came over last night and told Capt A that -I- was the person who spilled the beans.

Capt A will never trust me with a secret again. Thanks a whole fucking lot, people. I will NEVER tell you another goddamn thing again. I'm his BEST FUCKING FRIEND, just like I was the BEST FUCKING girlfriend he'll ever have. Thanks for undermining that.

I felt so bad I didn't go out last night. Just felt shitty. Of course, this cascades into feeling scared about how Oddity feels about me - he got a comment from someone about how glad she was he hung out with her and how handsome he was. I worked HARD last night not to read anything into that. So stupid, this insecurity.

I'm losing myself. I can fall in love with someone so much that I forget who I am. I'm not bar person, I'm not one musical genre person - I'm not driving person I'm not simply faceted. I'm eclectic and not mainstream and would rather dance or walk than sit in a car or drink. I AM affectionate and expect it in return. I am supportive and I will run with whatever my partner wants.

I hope he appreciates that.

Today, I had the pins and needles in my fingers again. This is NOT a nerve condition. This is directly due to the cold in this office. Or, more factually, to the lack of whatever it is that prevents my body from staying warm. The job can't be responsible for one person's adverse reaction to air conditioning. But what the hell am I going to do? First thing is I'm buying a pair of fingerless long gloves to wear in the office until the temperatures even out. I have the heater on at low under my desk, saving my poor toes (already clad in thick socks and boots, mind you) and body from hurting due to the cold.

I haven't listened to my mp3 all week. Well, today's only Wednesday, but still. Monday at work my fingers and toes got pins and needles/numbness. I think it's the cold. I don't like air conditioning and now the weather's heading into fall. If I were more active at work, it wouldn't bother me so much. But I sit and now I'm in constant pain.

The Governor of PA just placed a hiring freeze on all government jobs. That spells bad news for myself and Oddity. I asked for some OT and it's not been approved. I'm stuck. I don't think I've ever been in this sort of situation before.

I need to turn on my heater. I have no options at the moment. I don't want to go to NY and I want to see my youngest. I need glasses. It's all a mess.

Wow. Merrill Lynch is dead. So is Lehman Brothers. Bear Stearns also disappeared. Is Goldman Sachs still viable? It's like the financial giants of my youth are tumbling. Nothing lasts forever.

Had a fantastic weekend with Oddity. I like cuddling with him. And we did have the conversation about my unfortunate suspicions. I know he's not that kind of person. But as far as I know, nor was Lord Dragon.

He's set in his ways, but he's willing to change - so long as the changes are motivated by HIS choice. No one can make him change, neither his mind or his habits. This may be interesting in the long run.

I want a job in Lancaster that pays rent, and then I have to find an apartment that allows me my dog. I know more than likely that I will only afford (or will be shunted to) the low-income 'hispanic' sector. I wish I could just change my name. I should, already, change it to just my middle name, the way I feature myself online.

I drove Sunday in Capt A's car. I hit an S turn (hairpin) too fast (have to learn the brakes) and my turning was slow (Capt A had to turn for me!) Poor man almost had a coronary.

My hip still hurts - I'm confused as to why it doesn't hurt when I dance but hurts when I sit for any length of time. Piriformis muscle and it's called Piriformis Syndrome.

The club night I've been faithful to and where I met Oddity and Temptation at is on indefinite hiatus until a new location is found. Everyone that can will pitch in to find a place. We're a great crowd; we just dont spend money. I hope that matters, somehow, in the right way.

The Only One by The Cure (on oddity's profile ... he's perfect)

Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEAD
WHEN YOU PULL ME UPSTAIRS AND YOU PUSH ME TO BED
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEAD IT’S A MESS UP THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEART
WHEN YOU PUSH ME BACK DOWN AND THEN PULL ME APART
OH I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HEART IT’S THE BEST Oh YEAH!

Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY LIPS
WHEN YOU SUCK ME INSIDE AND YOU BLOW ME A KISS
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY LIPS IT’S SO SWEET IN THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HIPS
WHEN YOU BLOW ME OUTSIDE AND THEN SUCK ME LIKE THIS
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY HIPS IT’S THE BEAT Oh YEAH!

YOURE THE ONLY ONE I CRY FOR
THE ONLY ONE I TRY TO PLEASE
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I SIGH FOR
THE ONLY ONE I DIE TO SQUEEZE

AND IT GETS BETTER EVERY DAY I PLAY WITH YOU IT’S SUCH A SCREAM
YEAH IT GETS BETTER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S SO EXTREME
YEAH IT GETS WETTER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S LIKE A DREAM

Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY SKIN
WHEN YOU SLIP ME ON AND SLIDE ME IN
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY SKIN IT’S A BLUSH ON THERE
Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY BONES
WHEN YOU SLIDE ME OFF AND SLIP ME HOME
Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO MY BONES IT’S THE CRUSH Oh YEAH!

YOURE THE ONLY ONE I CRY FOR
THE ONLY ONE I TRY TO PLEASE
YOURE THE ONLY ONE I SIGH FOR
THE ONLY ONE I DIE TO SQUEEZE

AND IT GETS HAZIER EVERY WAY I SWAY WITH YOU IT’S SUCH A SCREAM
YEAH IT GETS MAZIER EVERY PLAY I SAY WITH YOU IT’S SO EXTREME
YEAH IT GETS CRAZIER EVERY DAY I STAY WITH YOU IT’S LIKE A DREAM

Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE Oh I LOVE WHAT YOU DO TO ME



We bonded over 'One More Time' by The Cure. I love that song.. but this one OMG it makes me chortle and wiggle inside 'cause I can just see him remembering how the lyrics fit... yeeha! I love what he does to me....

I'm in such deep trouble. I'm behind on every bill. The gas bill is 400; the electric is 200, the cable is 300 and the water is 100. What the FUCK did I do with the money?

We have no internet at home and if I pay it off (189) then I have no way to go to SL or to Ray's. And I'm too selfish to give that up.

I'm still wracking my brain to figure out where the fuck I screwed up. And today I have to show up at court for, of all things, child support for Teri while she's in the residential facility.

What did I do wrong?

These songs touched me. Guess why.

Damaged by Assemblage 23

I am merely the product
Of the life that I've lived
An amalgam of sorrows
And the wisdom they give
But the weight has grown heavy
And its dragging me down
It's so hard not to sink now
But I don't want to drown

CHORUS - I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own

There is beauty in hardship
There are poems in grief
There are trials we must go through
Though they may shake our beliefs

But I don't know how I got here
Lost in the cynical dusk
Set adrift in the worry
That I've no one to trust

(CHORUS)

If to suffer is holy
I'll take my share of the pain
I can swim through this sadness
If there's something to gain

I can reach for the surface
And try to pull myself free
But the last thing I want is
To drag you down here with me

(CHORUS)

Damaged by TLC

I know Im kinda strange, to you sometimes
Dont always say, whats on my mind
You know that Ive been hurt, by some guy
But I dont wanna mess up this time

[BRIDGE] And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think Im kinda scared
Cos I dont want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
Its nothing to you

[CHORUS] My hearts at a low
Im so much to manage
I think you should know that
Ive been damaged
Im falling in love
Theres one disadvantage
I think you should know that Ive been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I dont wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if youre all mine
Im a little paranoid, from what Ive been through
Dont know what you got yourself into

[BRIDGE W/ECHOED LINES]
[CHORUS, 2x W/ECHOED LINES]
[BRIDGE]
[CHORUS, 2x]

'Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory, falling on my head like a new emotion....'

It is RAINING out there, with capital letters and exclamation points. Tropical Storm Hanna is making a quick trip up the East Coast today and dumping water like you wouldn't BELIEVE out there. I walked in it to the bus to come see Oddity and found it was NOT annoying. Just WET. Walking to his place, I realized even the air was laden with water and the huge drops falling at the pace they were falling wasn't helping anything. I can't begin to describe how it is; we've had torrential downpours and heavy thunderstorms but those were brief. This is on par with 40 days and nights of rain of Noah's deluge. This sort of rain has been going on since... 6am this morning I think? and it's almost 4 and IT HASN'T LET UP. The pace has altered a bit here and there, but for the most part it has been buckets of water falling from the sky over a huge swath of country.

I am simply amazed.

I walked into Oddity's apartment simply DRIPPING with water (despite an umbrella) and on the floor of the rug going into the bedroom, there was this blue square - an envelope with my name on it. I started smiling at that moment from ear to ear with chortles bubbling forth from my heart and haven't stopped since. I tried to remove as much of the wet clothing as I could and opened the envelope; inside was a card that read: I love you from the top of your head to the tip of your toes (blue border with red letters and hearts, from Shoebox Greetings) and inside the card it reads: And don't get me started on in-between! Most of my favorite spots are in-between. He added: Love You! with a heart next to his name.

I feel absolutely wonderful. My heart is warm, glowing. I feel I can conquer the world. I am ashamed of my doubts and fears. I LOVE YOU, YOU WONDERFUL CRAZY AMAZING STRANGE AND AWESOME MAN!

Right now, the Juanes song "Feel No Pain" (No Siento Penas) is spinning through my head. I'm going to play it and dance around like a fool and thank the powers that be that you love me.

Name your price
A ticket to paradise
I can't stay here any more
And I've looked high and low
I've been from shore to shore to shore
If there's a short cut I'd have found it
But there's no easy way around it

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer

Who knows why
Someday we all must die
We're all homeless boys and girls
And we are never heard
It's such a lonely world
People turn their heads and walk on by
Tell me, is it worth just another try?

Tell me, are we alive, or just a dying planet?
What are the chances?
Ask the man in your heart for the answers

And when you feel afraid, love one another
When you've lost your way, love one another
When you're all alone, love one another
When you're far from home, love one another
When you're down and out, love one another
All your hopes run out, love one another
When you need a friend, love one another
When you're near the end, love one another
We got to love one another

Light of the world, you got to shine
Love will be a means, yeah, yeah
Shine on us all
Know that love can save the day
Just give it one more chance
Lord you just can't let it stop lord
Love is the answer
Got to be free to let love into your life
Let it shine

--Todd Rundgren, Love Is The Answer

Oddity:

I do not like the young lady who shares a connection with you to hang out with you. I do not trust her motives or her objectives.

I do not like that she hangs on you. I do not like her there when I'm reaching for you. This may sound possessive and extremely paranoid. I simply do not trust that you will remain with me with such a person trying to catch your attention. This may be insecurity, this may be jealousy. Whatever it is, please respect my wishes. I have been too many times in the situation of seeing a 'friend' become a 'lover' and myself being dumped for said 'lover' because of prior connections or feelings.

I am working on past experience, and while past experience does not qualify as proof in present circumstances, I am still leery of this 'connection' you share with her. I do not want to be dumped, let go or broken up with because you find her company more enjoyable. Just imagine what it will do to my heart and my soul, if you cannot just trust my feelings.

I just found you. I fear trust, Oddity. I do not want to limit you, and I feel that you are making every effort to convince me that you love me and that I am yours. I AM yours, heart mind body and soul. Do not forsake me.

Your Grrl, Your Woman, Your Lady, Your love.

Edit: I read my prior posts about you and can't understand why this sickening fear is gripping me. You do so much to show me you love me. All I can say is that I see a pattern I've seen before and I feel frightened.

Ugly Overload: Stowaway Spider

Ugly Overload: Stowaway Spider

Hehehe.. pictures of spiders and creepy critters and ugly beasts. Loving it!

Thursday night, Grendel in NY told me our mutual friend Ellie passed away. My initial reaction was of shock and disbelief and denial: no, she's too young and alive. She was engaged to marry Hal, promoter that we practically grew up with in the club scene. She was lively, gorgeous, pretty industrialgoth, and growing into one hell of a sexy woman. She also had her problems - tempermental, excitable, on medication.

I cried myself to sleep for the next few nights as more details emerged. She had run out of her home after yet another fight with her fiance (tempermental) in a not so great but gentrifying part of Brooklyn. It was night. Seems her body was found in a park the next day, but her fiance was not notified until Thursday. This is all second hand, mind you; I did not have the heart to ask Hal about it. Gods, he did not deserve this. Nor, obviously did Ellie.

The biggest reason I cried myself to sleep is that Ellie is near my eldest daughter's age; I saw Ellie as a daughter. I have prayed that she was not attacked and killed, and so far, while I don't have the particulars, it looks like it was an accident along the lines of mixing medication and alcohol and high emotion. I know this is selfish; I'd rather Ellie were alive than dead, but at least, it wasn't a horrible or violent end. I think I'd go a little nuts if it were so.

I don't believe in life after death, but oh, Ellie, you were too young! Even far away people remember you! I was used to hearing about you at least every week; you were still close to my heart. I wish there were some way to communicate to you how much you did mean to people; maybe this might have moderated your reaction. We'll never know. So many people will miss you and your sly, sweet smile and bright eyes and completely 'ellie' ways. I will always remember you, Ellie.

I'm sorry, Hal, that I could not stay on the phone. I still do feel distant from you, even though I've known you most all my adult life so far. You definitely are hurting and to hear it in your voice breaks my heart more. I'm so sorry for this loss and for your pain. I send you all my love and support. May the Goddess guide and soothe you through this.

Germinating story.

Down on luck woman. Victim. life unfair. takes trip (crosscountry?) to get out of rut. no living family (perhaps death of last family member triggered trip).

Attacked. flees into woods or desolate area or swamp. Old history of hauntings/deaths a la slasher flicks. Either mansion or some sort of house/dwelling in which 'thing' dwells.

Woman tries to hide from pursuit in this place. Miasma of bad very apparent. Attackers laugh it off, group, enter, to finish woman off. woman flees through house. back of house/shack/shed area curls up. something scutters, collects. Smell of carnage increases. Woman does not react to creature forming with fear. Numb, but curious, she watches this new threat. It bends towards her, touches her, then turns around as group breaks down shed door.

Woman gets up with axe in hand but creature holds her back. The group shrinks back in fear. Creature looks at her and she moves forward. Towards the group. The axe rises.

Oddity drank an awful lot last night. But towards the end of the night, he tells me he loves me, that people like us together, that I surprised people by taking care of the sick girl, that I was unique and flexible and enchanting (not in those words). He felt happy and lucky that I was with him.

I love taking care of him. I love being there, around him. He hugs me and holds me and plays around and kisses me and calls me his girl in public. His friends like me, and they are a cool bunch. And.. HE volunteered to meet my friends, to hang in my circles (small as it is). I didn't ask him.

I wish I could describe in detail last night, when he was sitting in front of me, at the bar, telling me the things I wanted to hear and never asked. How his face glowed, and his eyes, so gentle, so sweet, looked at me with love. How he gets shy and goofy when I look at him. He kisses me, he holds me tight, he hugs me to him, he holds my hand, he announces to the world that I'm his girl and he's proud and happy.

He's my Addiction.

Random things: I need sugar, but I don't like it. I need to keep to a specific diet to see what affects me badly and what doesn't. Not sure if I'm human, the way my body reacts to things. I hate its getting colder; conversely, I love this time of the year.

I may be able to buy a house if I can fix my credit rating within the next three months. Oh, that is WAY hopeful, I know! May buy a house in York and hope Oddity understands. I need to have my dog with me and I've tons of stuff. not furniture, just stuff.

I'm flat broke. AGAIN. and I haven't paid bills. I'm screwed.

I need to see a gyn and a regular doctor. I've been procrastinating. Why? I don't know.

I simultaneously hate and love my job. Can almost make me psychotic.

I want to go back to school. I also want to move closer to Oddity. I want to go back to school in York, though.

Her Kind, by Anne Sexton.

I have gone out, a possessed witch,
haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind.

I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disaligned.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.

I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.

From The Complete Poems by Anne Sexton, published by Houghton Mifflin Company. Copyright © 1981 by Linda Gray Sexton. Used with permission.

written on LJ jan 27, 2005:

about 30 years ago my mom for some reason was mad at me when she came across me listening to the radio - I was listening to one of the Olivia Newton John songs from Xanadu - and tore into me verbally. "You believe everything that music tells you!" she yells at me "you think someone will come and take you away to a magic land and you're only fooling yourself!" She turned off the radio.

Now, the music I listen to is almost RELIGIOUS to me. Some of you know how I am about dancing and about my music. It doesn't matter what genre it is, or if it's any good or if it is even popular. If it speaks to me, it's MINE. So I tend to like some really BAD music, as well as some people can't understand the appeal to... I don't care.

Well, I think I tend to take some life lessons and philosophical bendings FROM the music I listen to. When a song calls to you, it's because it echoes something within you, an experience, a wish, a memory, a desire, an emotion. Aaron, for instance, won't play country music around me, because I always ALWAYS cry at what the songs say. He doesn't understand what is the appeal of U2 ('it's the same notes over and over again!'). Me? Almost EVERY U2 song says something I've felt, thought, wanted or experienced. Adrian thought most of my musical taste was tacky, poor and unrefined. My exhusband, Andy, hated that I listened to Queen (Fag music) or any classical rock ('what, you wish you were white?') and would often trash a favorite tape of mine (Rocky Horror Picture Show, Queen...). Andrew, another boyfriend, didn't know how the hell I hated what passed for Spanish Music in spanish pop (thank the gods for spanish rock and goth... it saved spanish music!) and thought also I wanted to be white because I disliked hiphop, rap and most R&B.

Everytime I listen to something in my repetoire, I realize soemthing about myself. For instance, I'm happiest when I'm with someone whom I love - and even happier when that person loves me back. I may feel sometimes that I'm losing it, but recently I feel like I can do anything within reason - I can make this work, I can live here, I can survive whatever my injured psyche and mind throws at me - because Aaron is here, next to me, providing support, comfort and someone to dote over.

He's my Xanadu - no, I'm not a fool to believe this will last forever, but I sure as hell hope so!

Anyway, I realize that most of the songs I love to listen to over and over again are things I hope someone feels about me (Little Jeannie, Tiny Dancer, all the Lady songs from Styx, Little River Band, etc etc from the 70s and 80s, Climax Blues Band - get the drift?). This morning Aaron and I woke up to the song "Brown Eyed Girl" and just the fact that instead of turning it off, he started to sing along, holding me, made me feel real and loved. Then "Truly, Madly Deeply" came on, and I LOVE THAT SONG.. and then he killed it by saying "I could never listen to this music - it's so monotonous!" oh well. LOL

What would people say if I told them that part of the noise in my head is a song? That I've a soundtrack that I listen to constantly in my head? That there is a song for almost anything - that there are songs I cannot listen to because it would drastically change my mood, mind, emotions, etc? That I often live out or act out some songs because the song FITS the situation so well?

I love music.. there is a song out there that I heard only once, that Aaron tells me was a big hit two or three years ago. It's a great song - something about things happen, but it can be overcome, no matter what. I want it - wish I could even remember the LYRICS! And Jewels one day gave me "The First Cut is the Deepest"... That song was GREAT.

And of course, the song Aaron said reminded him of the two of us (THIS.. this was what made me feel he was RIGHT for me) "You are My Kind" from the Shaman album by Santana with guest singers (this one had Seal). He would sing this for me or play it for me every time we were in the car. I have YET to be sick of it.

Yes, mom, I believe all the lyrics to all the songs I have every listened to. And while the dreams may not come true, they're still there. They're kept alive by the music. And I keep that music alive inside me all the time.

I wrote this many moons ago, on my LJ. May 5th, 2004, to be exact.

I am this woman: bright, cheerful, wise, loving,
hurt, torn, shattered, mother, daughter, grandmother
brave, bereft, bold, sexy, sensual, moody,
strong, fragile, brilliant, capable, hopleless, worn.

I am this woman, who suffers and grins, loves and loses.
Tired of the pain, but life goes on. My mantra.
What did I do to deserve betrayal? Be me - generous, loving,
full of life and complexity. Intense, yes; perhaps obsessed.
Not cowardly, not afraid; but left now with fear and broken hope.

My heart is intimate with pain; my soul with hurt. Beauty abounds
and I will not shy away from enjoying it. But fear now sits where
trust once stood. Look what you did, manchild, cruel creature.

Intrinsic in every facet of my life is my heart. I love with all
I have. There is no other way for me. And I will not change; the pain remains, but I will not change. The glory of me IS me.

I am this woman; be warned. I am Me.

Oddity's b'day will be the Goblin Ball. Preparations are underway for decorating the ballroom at Bube's into a madman's idea of the marriage of Labyrinth, Legend, Frankenstein's Bride and an asylum. Okay, a madwoman's idea...

Getting my Goblin Ball outfit together - pink and blue and white. I have to get baby pink and baby blue fishnets and work with the lacy materials I have in the backroom, plus find ballet shoes in both colors and horns in both pink and blue. Yes, that's the outfit theme.

The suggestion was made to give b'day spankings to the dj and to my Oddity. Key operative term: MY ODDITY. gotta get over this severe possessiveness.

Egoista y codiciosa. si pudiera serlo; mi lado oscuro quere tenerlo todo. pero no voy arriesgar un amor limpio, claro y puro por tratar de tener los dos lados contentos. Pero que dificil es estar enamorada de dos.

What's In My Kitchen?: Rambling Thoughts on Silicone Bakeware

What's In My Kitchen?: Rambling Thoughts on Silicone Bakeware

This is just one post, but I like reading this blog. Writes well, speaks easily, very informative. I recommend it.

One More Song Down! I'd been searching for a song that I found out was by Nitzer Ebb and was named something that I'd never heard in the song. Well, I found it on youtube quite by accident. Then I forgot the title.. but found it again. Tried to remember the title. Had to ask Kiltboy about the title by asking about the band, 'cause the words of the song I remembered and liked so much were pretty much like the lyrics to another song by Aphex Twin (I think). So I finally found the song's name and band and I had told Oddity.

Well, this weekend, while I was giving my Oddity a full body massage, he had cued that song - I did NOT know he owns the cd - and I know I had been going on and on about wanting this song (not available on Napster or PureTracks etc and I am NOT going to risk using LimeWire atm) and while I was listening to the album, I casually told him I'd do anything to hear Lightning Man.

And then it played.

That feeling was ALMOST like sex. I thought I was going to totally cream myself over the song. He had it. I could get it. OMG.

Whatever Oddity wants, he will get. THAT is how I get about my music. I now have it on my computer, on my mp3 players and on my myspace profile.

It seems some story was told
but what is there to tell?
Well, some song had been sung
but none of it sings
so let's spell it out
a, b, and c.
Up and down from a is to z
you meant zed, you said zed

From nothing to something
and something for nothing.
From no one to someone
from someone to same one
same old thing.
The only way out
leads to no way back.
What can you do?

Easy
You shove it back where it came
Easy
You never let yourself down

So you got up
and you ran
and you run to get up.
Through chinatowns
to slip right down
soho's a town in every downtown.

Drinking friends
who've drunk in bars
whose drunken friends
in drinking bars, waiting
for the lightning man to strike.

Icing on your cake.
well if i knew you were coming
i'd cut you you a piece.

Baby come to daddy
baby come to daddy
baby come to daddy
daddy's come to baby
daddy's come to baby
come to daddy
baby
baby come to daddy

Easy
You shove it back where it came
Easy
You never let yourself down

You better be careful out there
You be careful out there
You better be careful out there
You be careful
You ain't gonna get far
You better be careful out there
You ain't gonna get far
You ain't gonna get far
You be careful out there
You ain't gonna get far
You ain't gonna get far
You be careful out there
You better be careful out there
We're gonna pluck you off
You better be careful out there
You ain't gonna get far
You ain't gonna get far
We're gonna pluck you off
We're gonna pluck you off
We're gonna pluck you off

Baby come to daddy
daddy's come to baby
daddy's come to baby
come to daddy
come to baby
baby come to daddy
daddy's come to baby
come to daddy

Easy
You shove it right back down
Easy
You never listen to this

I dreamt:

That werewolves, vampires, fae, elementals, etc - were outed and the general panic had already subsided and these creatures were taken for granted. There were also humans who were 'guardians' in that they were able to negotiate/pacify/work with these creatures should problems occur.

Well, college campus. Werewolves usually manifested in adolescence, so they were still in learning phase when they were sent to college. At this college, the elementals would haze the newly arrived werewolves. There was an established security system made of guardians and vampires (nighttime) along with representatives of either side.

New werewolves were either going missing or found dead. I was a new guardian and my friend was a new werewolf. He had to go back to his dorm (all in one building, really, the various dorms) and I walked him to his dorm and we had a confrontation with some rogue elementals that ended up in arbitration because I accused them of murdering the new werewolves and I would fight to protect my friend.

The dream ended while I was in negotiations with the leader of the elemental faction on campus.

It was odd. I enjoyed it.

Now that I got THAT out of the way....

I can't see the day my kids let me live in peace. I just want a place of my own, nice and quiet, where I can retreat to at the end of the day and possibly have a friend or three over. Where I can feel it is my safe haven from the world. Where I can display my own stuff - witchcraft, Wicca, Halloween, Spiders, music, books, silliness - all mine. Where my books can surround me and keep me safe.

Where I can put my clothes and not have them borrowed, or line up my shoes and only my dog messes them up. Where I can store my bags and my stuff. Where I can curl up with my dog to watch a program on the telly or my computer. Or I can curl up with my Oddity and be loveydovey. Where I can cook my way, and smell up the house, and no one complains. Where I can have my own types of foods. Where I could just be me.

"I would like a place I could call my own
have a conversation on the telephone
wake up every day, that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart
I was upset, you see
almost all the time
you used to be a stranger
now you are mine."
Regret, New Order

This MAY be TMI. Be Warned. It's of a HIGHLY personal and slightly sexual nature. I just had to get it out SOMEWHERE.

Yes, dear.. unfortunately it does hurt a little. I don't want you to stop. But that's pretty much why you get what you like the most... because otherwise I'd be bruised inside. It's not unpleasant. Just the way we're built. I just don't want you worrying or panicking that you're hurting me. Which is why I don't answer you or tell you straight out that it does. But... note what we do most of the time...

It still feels very very good.

Sometimes, the worse feeling in the world is caring for someone without being able to give them what they want. I feel like that about my kids, and I feel like that about Temptation. I wish I could, but I can't - not because I'm unable to, but because of my own volition, that belongs to someone else. In this instance, it would be terribly wrong.

I wish I could find another me for him. Or at least help him get someone who will understand him and help him grow. He needs to work past things and I truly feel he needs someone who will understand this and grow with him.

I don't like hurting him. I don't know what to do.

I sent him a photobucket picture that says: Loving you is like breathing; how can I stop?. He responds: You are everything I could hope for.

In IM, he's stressed, his schedule's too tight. I tell him I'll not visit this weekend and he'll get a chance to rest. He says: I'll suffer if I don't see you.

Then he says, Promise me you'll stay with me the entire weekends of the 8th, the 16th and the 22 (his bday).

Someone who yearns for me the way I yearn for him. Someone who misses me every day like I miss him. Yes, I know someone else does miss me that way too, but Oddity is the person I'm in love with; he's the person I felt at the outset was the missing piece of my heart, my soul.

He completes me. and he feels the SAME WAY about me. Someone in sync with me. Someone I'm in sync with. I am calm. I am ecstatic. I look forward and leave the past behind.

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, Be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath Truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful, 'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning, A reason for living, A deeper meaning.
Chorus - I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of..
The highest power In lonely hours The tears devour you..
Chorus then bridge:
Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cos it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...
I'll be your dream I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath Truly madly deeply do
Chorus

So, the Litany: My son got me to pay for at least his one way to NYC 'cause he fucked up again here in York living with the pretty little alcoholic. He got her dad to pay for her to go up to NYC with him. They asked my eldest for help and then dumped her to go to his friend's house. They were told not to show up at my dad's - so guess where they are at? Yes, my dad's house. And my son thinks his father - the pothead who believes I'm responsible for all the evil in the world - will pay their way back to York because my son has to be here by Friday evening for his recruiter.

My youngest called me today to beg me to get her out of the residential facility. When I put my foot down, she pulled the same guilt trip my son pulled to get the money to go to NY: it's my fault they're like that because I abandoned them for almost 15 years. FUCK that hurt.

May give notice to my job that I'll be going to parttime by August 25th - I need a job and I am going to move to Lancaster City after all. No, I'm not moving in with Oddity. That's not in the cards at all. Neither of us are ready for it. I want my own place. I need to drive. I need to get out of Capt's A's house and way. I need to move on careerwise. I need so much!

TriStarr in Lancaster called me. I've an appointment with them on Tuesday, 7/29. I may stay over at Oddity's that night (which will make up for not seeing him this weekend).

Also, a lawyer here in york (leader heights) called and asked if I was interested in being a legal assistant. Am I? FUCKING HELL YEA! but I need to be able to drive!!!!

I hope this means things are looking up. I hate to have to make a decision on what to take and what to say no to, but I'm interested in everything right now and I'll make my choice based on salary considerations - because THAT is the key to living on my own, whether it's in York or Lancaster. I WILL drive by end of August; I will take my test. So if I have to stay in York for at least another year, at least the onus of travel is not on Oddity or anyone else. And anyway, I've friends here I should tighten my ties to.

Lancaster is a nice dream, and if I can make more money there, then I'll choose that. But no, I shan't be moving in with Oddity until my own crap is resolved. That stuff leaves scar tissues that are hard to overcome.

Bored at work. we're sorta caught up. I am applying for jobs in Lancaster, though I'm really just wishing that some jobs come through here in York first.

Heard that the governor of Puerto Rico is chummy with Chavez et al. Now, while I really have no beef with Chavez of Venezuela - there's a need for his sort of leadership in South and Central America, despite his anti-US rhetoric - that the leader of a US commonwealth be friends with this fellow (who has done SHIT for the island) is simply below stupid. It's imbecilic.

Puerto Rico, wake up. Let bygones be bygones and ally yourself with your friend, supporter, neighbor and family to the North. Become a freaking state already! Stop playing these stupid games with your people and the rabblerousers of SA and CA. It's not worth it.

Hard times ahead for the home of my immediate ancestors.

Now if only someone could explain why corruption seems to be inherent in every spanish country government existing.

Heavy big awesome thunderstorm last night. I was awaken from a solid, AdvilPM induced sleep with the brightest flash and loudest boom I'd ever felt. I wasn't sure if the prickling of my skin was due to electrical discharge or just plain FEAR. So, second night of not sleeping a full night. I'm SO going to bed early tonight.

My youngest wants to make me see she's not staying at the residential facility for more than 30 days. I know what she'll do and she'll be released and go to NY and she will FALL FLAT ON HER FACE after hitting that wall of FAIL and then she'll end up in jail again.

My son wants to go to NY but every time he tells me this he back off and then asks me when there's no money and he's frantic. I get so mad at them. (UPDATE) he called me at a quarter to 4 to tell me he's passed his piss test. He goes to MEPS this week and gets his bootcamp shipout date sunday. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Rainy day. Oddity is at the beach with his mom. He loves me. Is that strong enough to get through the rest of the winter, and my job and apartment hunt, and the various crises my children will drop on me? We'll see.

Oddity goes to vacation with his mom this week. He'll be in another state, relaxing in the sun. While I wish I could be with him, the entire concept of 'vacation' seems anathema to me; I need to be able to take off the days I need throughout the month, not hoard them for a week of frantic relaxation.

I prefer mental health days, holidays, sick days and personal days. If I could get that AND a string of vacation days, yea. But... I just don't do the vacation days thing.

Now, if only I could work the way I want to - evening hours, in an office without air conditioning, and you can make up time at will. That would be nice...

I'm gonna miss Oddity this week. I'll see him Monday or Tuesday.

My son is still battling his stupid past; he is trying to clean his urine for the MEPS and I'm betting he did more than he told me he did. Stupid stupid boy. I dont get this drug thing at all.

My youngest was transferred to the residential facility today, I hope. I brought over her clothes this morning and they did not ask me to stay to see her go. :(

Long day. I'm so going to crash tonight.

I really, really should be taking a nap. But I'm still washing clothes for my youngest and getting things ready to get up at 5am and get it over to the detention center in time to see her off to the Windsor Pointe Residential Facility.

I found ALL the clothes I've been missing in her bedroom. It only FEELS hot to me 'cause I'm FUMING.

Read Oddity's tarot; then read mine because his came up with a definite problem with lies, deceit and betrayal. I had to know if it could be me. I did NOT like my reading. Suffice to say I'm going to keep a very close eye on what I say and do in the future.

Temptation has pulled away and I pray to the fates he heals.

I truly deeply need a new job.

My son's not shipping out yet; his indiscretions are coming back around to bite him in the ass.

I am going to miss having Oddity around this whole week/weekend. He's on vacation. He'll be far away. He's going to a much needed and much anticipated vacation and this is GOOD.

I'm so tired.

Head Over Feet - Alannis Morrisette

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Someone mentioned that for the way I feel about Oddity, he would go to the ends of the earth for me. I know I would do the same for him. Would someone love me that much? Could someone love me that much? Me with all the drama that swirls around me, with the kids and the exes and the impulsiveness and the massive amounts of crap I collect?

Once referred to myself as 'damaged goods'. TLC's song "Damaged" fit me so perfectly. Now, I don't think of myself as damaged goods, but I'm still full of baggage et al.

Yes, everyone comes into a relationship with baggage. And I always seem to fall for the same sort of fellow - odd, with quirks and idiosyncrasies that don't fit mainstream. I'm not interested in anyone successful, or popular, or accomplished, etc. That's just too much work. I just want someone who will love me for who I am, how I am, the way I love a person - with all their flaws and damages.

I want someone who will go to the ends of the earth for me. I won't ask that of them, but I want to know it.

Between a rock and a hard place. My youngest is in a detention center; they can release her to my parents in NY and she'd be free of probation, but she'd be back to her old habits and wrecking everyone's lives. If she's released to me, I lose my home - Capt A does NOT want her back in the house.

The third option is going to a residential facility. The probation officer had initially told me that there weren't any that could address my youngest's issues. Well, my parents spoke to her as well and we all agreed that Teri's issues need to be addressed before she is released. So I was informed that I would have to pay for her to stay at the residential facility - it would be prorated to my pay.

There are three possible places. Windsor Point is the closest, three miles past Red Lion. I can't drive, but at least it's closer than Clearview, which is about 2.5 hours away. They also offered Adelphoi Village, which would be in another county altogether - too far from me and any family at all. Adelphoi Village, however, would be independent living and give her the skills she needs to live on her own.

I don't want her far away from me. I can't drive. So the choice is, the closer one that may be a bit of a struggle, or the far one that gives her the skills she needs? And if the farther one, do I give up my love and my life here to move close to her? She would also be giving up her love (who lives in NY). Can I sacrifice that?

I will ask her tonight. Then I'll decide. If I tell Oddity, he will stress over this and I don't want to add to his stress level. I wanted to just love him and relax; it's not going to happen. I still have some negative karma to pay for, it seems.

Como puedo decir a un amigo que lo amo sin mandarlo al infierno que es un amor sin reprocidad? No lo amo como amante, aunque lo era, una vez, por unos dias. Se enamoro de me - y somos iquales en tantas cosas. Pero se que nunca sucederia; con el Raro tengo mas futuro que con Tentacion.

Me duele el corazon pensando en el dolor que el pasa en ser mi amigo, en vez tras vez encontrar aun mas cuan iguales somos.

Quitale ese dolor, Madre de la tierra; cura su corazon y alma, o padre de la selva. Traele paz; que pueda el conseguir el amor que merece.

I'm scared. I had nightmares all night and the snake didn't make anything easier by being noisy. Barely slept. And today at work, my station is moving to the third floor. It's going to be a mess.

I'm stressed and tired and angry and frustrated. This has to end soon; I don't want to hit that wall and fall into that abyss again. I've got too much to look forward to, for my illness to grab hold of me now.

Goddess, help me.

So Capt A laid down the boom. My daughter does NOT live in this house. She will not be allowed back. I have 30 days to find a place to live. Me and all my stuff, and the snake and the dog. I knew this would happen; it has nothing to do with me. He thinks I need to get motivated to do something about my daughter.

I have to inform the probation office on Monday.

I'm still excited to be on my own. I'm sad that I'm being rushed out. My son will say I should have stayed with Capt A, as he provided for me. My daughter will feel, without actually acknowledging her role in it, that it's all being blamed on her.

I can't tell my parents. Not yet, anyway. I won't tell Oddity or Temptation or any of my friends, really. I hate this drama and it feels that's all I've been doing lately is generating drama. I have no one objective to talk to - no, wait, there's the coven Elders. But I don't know; they have drama of their own to work through.

So all I have right now is this blog. I feel lost and scared. I don't know who of the people I've invited to read the blog actually reads it. So I'll say this: I don't want you, Oddity, or you, Temptation, to come to my rescue. I don't want any rescue. I've had enough of that. Just be there for me when I need you.

That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

I can't take care of it all. I can't take care of my kids' drama and my pets' needs and my lovers' emotions and my friends' emotions and my job's requirements and my own life.

How do people do it? How can they keep it all organized? I can't keep track of the parties and the bills and the payments and the appointments and the deadlines and the people.

I'm in pain, psychic and emotional and physical. I need it to stop. just stop.

A Hundred Kisses by She Wants Revenge

Shake off the rain and dry off
And come inside tonight
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be, love
You've got the prettiest face that I ever did see
With eyes so sad
Like songs I swear I've known
And I hope to God that you're not pretending
Cause if you are I swear I don't know
What I'm gonna do
But I promise you that I'll be good to you
If you promise that you'll try to love me too
Somehow

(Chorus)I'd steal a hundred kisses
Before you'd say goodbye
And then make a hundred wishes
In the name of you and I
Cause what we have is secret
So don't let no one know
The past can't come between us if we both just let it go
Today's the perfect day
Today's the day I tell you, oh
If you ever walk away
Then I would die right there for you

Give me your every breath and promise me your world
I don't ask for much at all
All I want is all you've got
Could you be that girl
Are you thinking of me
Or have I projected all of my hopes on you
And I know there'll be nights filled with tears
I know that there'll be fights and fears
But that's a part of it too
So do you think I have the slightest chance to be
Everything to you
Cause you mean everything to me

(Chorus)I'd steal a hundred kisses
Before you'd say goodbye
And then make a hundred wishes
In the name of you and I
Cause what we have is secret
So don't let no one know
The past can't come between us if we both just let it go
Today's the perfect day
Today's the day I tell you, oh
If you ever walk away
Then I would die right there for you
For you


I can hear Oddity in this song. I can hear me, too, the same sentiments. Are you the one? You mean everything to me.

He came again. He came early, straight from work. My future roomie and her little boy were over; I had cooked them dinner and we were sitting out in the porch and my eldest called to shoot the breeze and share some triumphs with me. And he walked up around the corner, and I caught my breath in wonder and surprise. I felt suddenly overwhelmed with emotional input - he was here, my daughter on the phone, my friend next to me...

He played with my future roomie's little boy as we chatted. They were chasing and catching fireflies after playing fetch with my dog. I had to hang up on my eldest, because I could not sustain a conversation. Then my future roomie left, and I fed him the dinner I made. It was very nice to have this moment to ourselves, just to talk. My youngest came home and also ate of my dinner - I had cooked for and fed everyone! - and then we sat in the living room (it's seen more use this evening than it has in the six months!) and played a drawing game. It was wonderful.

I called my eldest and found that she had been granted a scholarship and will be going to training to get a supervisory/managerial position at a prominent social service agency. I am SO VERY FREAKING PROUD OF HER.

He and I talked, sharing stories, as we got ready for bed. Then, quiet time, as we lay together, huddled, cuddling. Then the kissing became serious. Emmanuel's old song "Tu y Yo" spun in my head as this progressed: "Tu y yo un ramo de imagenes/tu y yo una simple formula/tu y yo caminan las hadas de aqui para alla/tu y yo un nido de pajaros/tu y yo llegando el silencio/tu y yo se forma una pagina/tu y yo haciendo una fabula/tu y yo jugamos un verso/ sin comas si reglas/sin tiempos ni acentos/dejamos la noche crecer/comiensan los besos/hacer un intento/la luna es mas grande que ayer/se unden mis manos a cada momento/encuentro una flor eres tu/me siento tan cerca te siento tan dentro/te miro en un rayo de luz/tu y yo la flor y la fabula/tu y yo el nido de un aguila/tu y yo una simple formula/tu y yo la luz ha nacido ya/tu y yo el sol viene entrando/deslizas tus pasos y el dia se queda/testigo de lo que paso/despues tu sonrisa mirando el espejo/recuerdas tu primer amor/es una aventura rozar tu rodilla/estoy acercandome a ti/te entregas y olvidar tirado en el suelo/un verso que hiciste de mi/tu y yo la flor y la fabula/tu y yo el nido de un aguila/tu y yo una simple formula."

It's simple. I love him. I love being near him. I love everything he does, even when he's unreasonably stressed. Everything seems brighter, better, sweeter, around him. I feel validated, justified, worthy, alive, real, loved. He's everything.

This morning was sweet; I love waking him up this way. And this is me, hating morning sex.... Then we got around to breakfast and getting ready for work. I look forward to the day this becomes commonplace, but I will never lose this delight.

As we walked out to his car, he passed me a note. It read:

Have a beautiful day. You are my princess. I love the way you hold me. With you I feel loved. Your smile lights up my life. And I know you really care. My heart is beating for you. You are my love, my special friend.

I haven't stopped smiling. I open it and read it almost every fifteen minutes. I am blessed to have met him, blessed that he loves me. Now if only the rest of my life would fall into place like this..

He said, last night, that he was itching to see me... and that he could be here in 40 minutes. He WANTS to see me. He WANTS to be with me. He WANTS to share things with me.

Where has he been all my life?

Was it so hard for anyone else to do that? Capt A came very close; up until his computer took his attention away from me, he wanted to spend time with me.

This is the sort of thing you dream about as a teenager, someone whose impulse is to be with you. The person whose world becomes defined by their love of you, just as your world becomes defined by him. Not obsessive, but impulsive, where your thoughts turn to the other, and hope their day goes well, and wishes they could see you. The kind that anticipates going home at night to see them. The world is brighter because they're in it. Life is beautiful, because they love you.

I've paid my dues. I deserve a love like this. I deserve a heart that beats in tandem with mine. I will work for this to last. Thank you, Oddity!

(This was written for the Lord Dragon many many years ago. Some elements here are still true, but age has rendered my self-awareness much more vivid, and I know I am real. I exist. But this was my life for years and years.)

I'm frustrated. I want to understand your philosophy. I want to see how it shapes you, your reactions; how to make sure I am a part of what you are. But your philosophy isn't ME. THIS IS ME (jump/run/climb a tree) and this is me (hang upside down and kiss you thoroughly) and this (pull up, drop from branch, roll, ouch) pain be damned. It's how I know I exist. Physicality. I'm frail, a wisp of nothing, fragile. I don't believe I exist.. I don't exist except in the eyes and minds and reflections.... and in the world of movement and feeling.

I crave attention, for then I know I exist. I am vain, looking into every mirror, becasue it proves I'm physically there. When someone loves me, I know I exist. I'm real. When I hurt - and I hate pain - I know I exist. I know I'm alive. When I am moving, I can forget having to prove I exist, for then I'm alive, I'm real, I am Myself. I'm no longer fragile or will 'o'the wisp or frail when I'm moving - dancing, blading, biking, walking, running, playing Kung Fu. I'm alive, I'm strong, I'm vigorous. The feeling of translating music to movement with my body, the awareness of motion, of rhythm, of sound and fury and joy within my body - I am REAL. When you make love to me, I am alive. I can feel you, sense you, taste you, and I know you acknowledge my existence. I thrill to be alive to the touch of you, the smell and taste of you, your sounds, your breath, your body.. they become the boundaries of my existence, the proof that I am real, not a dream.

Around my children, I'm not real. I'm someone called Mommy. Around my parents, I'm a Daughter, and not the one they wanted. Around certain people I just don't feel real. I don't exist for them, in my mind. When I'm alone, I can be at peace so long as I'm moving. When I stop, I doubt my existence. I doubt myself; I'm no longer real.

Why do you love me? I'm nothing but a fantasy, unreal, a dream that will dissipate with the cold light of morning - it sounds so insulting, as if you would accept a dream instead of a real person. But my reality is caught up in sensation, in physicality, in touch and motion. The perception always there, unshakeable, that this is all just a game, nothing matters, nothing is real. Sometimes I'm just an actor, playing a role whose purpose was forgotten a long time ago.

"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'll understand/When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..." Iris, GooGoo Dolls.

He came over, we went to dinner, we came back and sat around talking (with my daughter); we got ready for bed. We spoke for a while, we made out, we played, we slept. Sleeping on the floor is uncomfortable and we're both over 40. But still, we were together for a little while, in each other's arms, inhaling the same air.

When we're together it feels like we're younger. "Whenever I'm alone with you... you make me feel like I am young again... However far away, I will always love you" The Cure. This morning we did more and completed... I love knowing I can do that to him. I feel a quickening inside of me when I sense his reactions to what I do.

It's going to be a long hard winter while we're living in different cities.

I cleaned out my desk. And ran headfirst into my memories - of my childhood, of Lord Dragon and The Devil (prior to Lord Dragon) and of Capt A; of my eldest's frightening descent and the fears surrounding it. My childhood, lonely and alienated; The Devil and my lack of self esteem; the Lord Dragon and how I felt about him, and how he betrayed me. Capt A and the way we struggled to keep love alive. My eldest ... I'm afraid of going through the rest of this stuff.. for fear that it will trigger a cryfest.

drat memories.

"And it really kicks my head/Rips me up and makes me sad/Sending shiver down on me/expressing Velocity/All I want is not for me/All I need I cannot be/Sending shiver down on me/Expressing Velocity" Neuroticfish

"I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you" Hoobastank

"But the paws of fear upon your chest/Only love can soothe that beast/And my words are paper tigers/No match for the predators of pain inside her/I say love will come to you/Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true/As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through/Where theres now one there will be two.." Indigo Girls

"Have I been blind/Have I been lost inside myself and my own mind/Hypnotized mesmerized by what my eyes have seen/Have I been wrong/Have I been wise to shut my eyes and play along/Hypnotized paralyzed by what my eyes have found/By what my eyes have seen/What they have seen/Have I been blind/Have I been lost have I been wrong/Have I been wise have I been strong/Have I been hypnotized mesmerized/By what my eyes have found/In that great street carnival/In that carnival" Natalie Merchant

Alicia Keys, Diary.

All the above dedicated to my friend and confidant; of whom I am both friend and confidant. I am honored and awed to be there for you. Thank you for being there for me. I understand, and thank you for understanding. Thank you for supporting my decision, and for supporting my love for Oddity. Thank you for so much more that you've been for me. Thank you for breaking me free.