Now that I got THAT out of the way....

I can't see the day my kids let me live in peace. I just want a place of my own, nice and quiet, where I can retreat to at the end of the day and possibly have a friend or three over. Where I can feel it is my safe haven from the world. Where I can display my own stuff - witchcraft, Wicca, Halloween, Spiders, music, books, silliness - all mine. Where my books can surround me and keep me safe.

Where I can put my clothes and not have them borrowed, or line up my shoes and only my dog messes them up. Where I can store my bags and my stuff. Where I can curl up with my dog to watch a program on the telly or my computer. Or I can curl up with my Oddity and be loveydovey. Where I can cook my way, and smell up the house, and no one complains. Where I can have my own types of foods. Where I could just be me.

"I would like a place I could call my own
have a conversation on the telephone
wake up every day, that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart
I was upset, you see
almost all the time
you used to be a stranger
now you are mine."
Regret, New Order

This MAY be TMI. Be Warned. It's of a HIGHLY personal and slightly sexual nature. I just had to get it out SOMEWHERE.

Yes, dear.. unfortunately it does hurt a little. I don't want you to stop. But that's pretty much why you get what you like the most... because otherwise I'd be bruised inside. It's not unpleasant. Just the way we're built. I just don't want you worrying or panicking that you're hurting me. Which is why I don't answer you or tell you straight out that it does. But... note what we do most of the time...

It still feels very very good.

Sometimes, the worse feeling in the world is caring for someone without being able to give them what they want. I feel like that about my kids, and I feel like that about Temptation. I wish I could, but I can't - not because I'm unable to, but because of my own volition, that belongs to someone else. In this instance, it would be terribly wrong.

I wish I could find another me for him. Or at least help him get someone who will understand him and help him grow. He needs to work past things and I truly feel he needs someone who will understand this and grow with him.

I don't like hurting him. I don't know what to do.

I sent him a photobucket picture that says: Loving you is like breathing; how can I stop?. He responds: You are everything I could hope for.

In IM, he's stressed, his schedule's too tight. I tell him I'll not visit this weekend and he'll get a chance to rest. He says: I'll suffer if I don't see you.

Then he says, Promise me you'll stay with me the entire weekends of the 8th, the 16th and the 22 (his bday).

Someone who yearns for me the way I yearn for him. Someone who misses me every day like I miss him. Yes, I know someone else does miss me that way too, but Oddity is the person I'm in love with; he's the person I felt at the outset was the missing piece of my heart, my soul.

He completes me. and he feels the SAME WAY about me. Someone in sync with me. Someone I'm in sync with. I am calm. I am ecstatic. I look forward and leave the past behind.

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, Be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath Truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful, 'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning, A reason for living, A deeper meaning.
Chorus - I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of..
The highest power In lonely hours The tears devour you..
Chorus then bridge:
Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cos it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...
I'll be your dream I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath Truly madly deeply do
Chorus

So, the Litany: My son got me to pay for at least his one way to NYC 'cause he fucked up again here in York living with the pretty little alcoholic. He got her dad to pay for her to go up to NYC with him. They asked my eldest for help and then dumped her to go to his friend's house. They were told not to show up at my dad's - so guess where they are at? Yes, my dad's house. And my son thinks his father - the pothead who believes I'm responsible for all the evil in the world - will pay their way back to York because my son has to be here by Friday evening for his recruiter.

My youngest called me today to beg me to get her out of the residential facility. When I put my foot down, she pulled the same guilt trip my son pulled to get the money to go to NY: it's my fault they're like that because I abandoned them for almost 15 years. FUCK that hurt.

May give notice to my job that I'll be going to parttime by August 25th - I need a job and I am going to move to Lancaster City after all. No, I'm not moving in with Oddity. That's not in the cards at all. Neither of us are ready for it. I want my own place. I need to drive. I need to get out of Capt's A's house and way. I need to move on careerwise. I need so much!

TriStarr in Lancaster called me. I've an appointment with them on Tuesday, 7/29. I may stay over at Oddity's that night (which will make up for not seeing him this weekend).

Also, a lawyer here in york (leader heights) called and asked if I was interested in being a legal assistant. Am I? FUCKING HELL YEA! but I need to be able to drive!!!!

I hope this means things are looking up. I hate to have to make a decision on what to take and what to say no to, but I'm interested in everything right now and I'll make my choice based on salary considerations - because THAT is the key to living on my own, whether it's in York or Lancaster. I WILL drive by end of August; I will take my test. So if I have to stay in York for at least another year, at least the onus of travel is not on Oddity or anyone else. And anyway, I've friends here I should tighten my ties to.

Lancaster is a nice dream, and if I can make more money there, then I'll choose that. But no, I shan't be moving in with Oddity until my own crap is resolved. That stuff leaves scar tissues that are hard to overcome.

Bored at work. we're sorta caught up. I am applying for jobs in Lancaster, though I'm really just wishing that some jobs come through here in York first.

Heard that the governor of Puerto Rico is chummy with Chavez et al. Now, while I really have no beef with Chavez of Venezuela - there's a need for his sort of leadership in South and Central America, despite his anti-US rhetoric - that the leader of a US commonwealth be friends with this fellow (who has done SHIT for the island) is simply below stupid. It's imbecilic.

Puerto Rico, wake up. Let bygones be bygones and ally yourself with your friend, supporter, neighbor and family to the North. Become a freaking state already! Stop playing these stupid games with your people and the rabblerousers of SA and CA. It's not worth it.

Hard times ahead for the home of my immediate ancestors.

Now if only someone could explain why corruption seems to be inherent in every spanish country government existing.

Heavy big awesome thunderstorm last night. I was awaken from a solid, AdvilPM induced sleep with the brightest flash and loudest boom I'd ever felt. I wasn't sure if the prickling of my skin was due to electrical discharge or just plain FEAR. So, second night of not sleeping a full night. I'm SO going to bed early tonight.

My youngest wants to make me see she's not staying at the residential facility for more than 30 days. I know what she'll do and she'll be released and go to NY and she will FALL FLAT ON HER FACE after hitting that wall of FAIL and then she'll end up in jail again.

My son wants to go to NY but every time he tells me this he back off and then asks me when there's no money and he's frantic. I get so mad at them. (UPDATE) he called me at a quarter to 4 to tell me he's passed his piss test. He goes to MEPS this week and gets his bootcamp shipout date sunday. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Rainy day. Oddity is at the beach with his mom. He loves me. Is that strong enough to get through the rest of the winter, and my job and apartment hunt, and the various crises my children will drop on me? We'll see.

Oddity goes to vacation with his mom this week. He'll be in another state, relaxing in the sun. While I wish I could be with him, the entire concept of 'vacation' seems anathema to me; I need to be able to take off the days I need throughout the month, not hoard them for a week of frantic relaxation.

I prefer mental health days, holidays, sick days and personal days. If I could get that AND a string of vacation days, yea. But... I just don't do the vacation days thing.

Now, if only I could work the way I want to - evening hours, in an office without air conditioning, and you can make up time at will. That would be nice...

I'm gonna miss Oddity this week. I'll see him Monday or Tuesday.

My son is still battling his stupid past; he is trying to clean his urine for the MEPS and I'm betting he did more than he told me he did. Stupid stupid boy. I dont get this drug thing at all.

My youngest was transferred to the residential facility today, I hope. I brought over her clothes this morning and they did not ask me to stay to see her go. :(

Long day. I'm so going to crash tonight.

I really, really should be taking a nap. But I'm still washing clothes for my youngest and getting things ready to get up at 5am and get it over to the detention center in time to see her off to the Windsor Pointe Residential Facility.

I found ALL the clothes I've been missing in her bedroom. It only FEELS hot to me 'cause I'm FUMING.

Read Oddity's tarot; then read mine because his came up with a definite problem with lies, deceit and betrayal. I had to know if it could be me. I did NOT like my reading. Suffice to say I'm going to keep a very close eye on what I say and do in the future.

Temptation has pulled away and I pray to the fates he heals.

I truly deeply need a new job.

My son's not shipping out yet; his indiscretions are coming back around to bite him in the ass.

I am going to miss having Oddity around this whole week/weekend. He's on vacation. He'll be far away. He's going to a much needed and much anticipated vacation and this is GOOD.

I'm so tired.

Head Over Feet - Alannis Morrisette

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Someone mentioned that for the way I feel about Oddity, he would go to the ends of the earth for me. I know I would do the same for him. Would someone love me that much? Could someone love me that much? Me with all the drama that swirls around me, with the kids and the exes and the impulsiveness and the massive amounts of crap I collect?

Once referred to myself as 'damaged goods'. TLC's song "Damaged" fit me so perfectly. Now, I don't think of myself as damaged goods, but I'm still full of baggage et al.

Yes, everyone comes into a relationship with baggage. And I always seem to fall for the same sort of fellow - odd, with quirks and idiosyncrasies that don't fit mainstream. I'm not interested in anyone successful, or popular, or accomplished, etc. That's just too much work. I just want someone who will love me for who I am, how I am, the way I love a person - with all their flaws and damages.

I want someone who will go to the ends of the earth for me. I won't ask that of them, but I want to know it.

Between a rock and a hard place. My youngest is in a detention center; they can release her to my parents in NY and she'd be free of probation, but she'd be back to her old habits and wrecking everyone's lives. If she's released to me, I lose my home - Capt A does NOT want her back in the house.

The third option is going to a residential facility. The probation officer had initially told me that there weren't any that could address my youngest's issues. Well, my parents spoke to her as well and we all agreed that Teri's issues need to be addressed before she is released. So I was informed that I would have to pay for her to stay at the residential facility - it would be prorated to my pay.

There are three possible places. Windsor Point is the closest, three miles past Red Lion. I can't drive, but at least it's closer than Clearview, which is about 2.5 hours away. They also offered Adelphoi Village, which would be in another county altogether - too far from me and any family at all. Adelphoi Village, however, would be independent living and give her the skills she needs to live on her own.

I don't want her far away from me. I can't drive. So the choice is, the closer one that may be a bit of a struggle, or the far one that gives her the skills she needs? And if the farther one, do I give up my love and my life here to move close to her? She would also be giving up her love (who lives in NY). Can I sacrifice that?

I will ask her tonight. Then I'll decide. If I tell Oddity, he will stress over this and I don't want to add to his stress level. I wanted to just love him and relax; it's not going to happen. I still have some negative karma to pay for, it seems.

Como puedo decir a un amigo que lo amo sin mandarlo al infierno que es un amor sin reprocidad? No lo amo como amante, aunque lo era, una vez, por unos dias. Se enamoro de me - y somos iquales en tantas cosas. Pero se que nunca sucederia; con el Raro tengo mas futuro que con Tentacion.

Me duele el corazon pensando en el dolor que el pasa en ser mi amigo, en vez tras vez encontrar aun mas cuan iguales somos.

Quitale ese dolor, Madre de la tierra; cura su corazon y alma, o padre de la selva. Traele paz; que pueda el conseguir el amor que merece.

I'm scared. I had nightmares all night and the snake didn't make anything easier by being noisy. Barely slept. And today at work, my station is moving to the third floor. It's going to be a mess.

I'm stressed and tired and angry and frustrated. This has to end soon; I don't want to hit that wall and fall into that abyss again. I've got too much to look forward to, for my illness to grab hold of me now.

Goddess, help me.

So Capt A laid down the boom. My daughter does NOT live in this house. She will not be allowed back. I have 30 days to find a place to live. Me and all my stuff, and the snake and the dog. I knew this would happen; it has nothing to do with me. He thinks I need to get motivated to do something about my daughter.

I have to inform the probation office on Monday.

I'm still excited to be on my own. I'm sad that I'm being rushed out. My son will say I should have stayed with Capt A, as he provided for me. My daughter will feel, without actually acknowledging her role in it, that it's all being blamed on her.

I can't tell my parents. Not yet, anyway. I won't tell Oddity or Temptation or any of my friends, really. I hate this drama and it feels that's all I've been doing lately is generating drama. I have no one objective to talk to - no, wait, there's the coven Elders. But I don't know; they have drama of their own to work through.

So all I have right now is this blog. I feel lost and scared. I don't know who of the people I've invited to read the blog actually reads it. So I'll say this: I don't want you, Oddity, or you, Temptation, to come to my rescue. I don't want any rescue. I've had enough of that. Just be there for me when I need you.

That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

I can't take care of it all. I can't take care of my kids' drama and my pets' needs and my lovers' emotions and my friends' emotions and my job's requirements and my own life.

How do people do it? How can they keep it all organized? I can't keep track of the parties and the bills and the payments and the appointments and the deadlines and the people.

I'm in pain, psychic and emotional and physical. I need it to stop. just stop.

A Hundred Kisses by She Wants Revenge

Shake off the rain and dry off
And come inside tonight
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be, love
You've got the prettiest face that I ever did see
With eyes so sad
Like songs I swear I've known
And I hope to God that you're not pretending
Cause if you are I swear I don't know
What I'm gonna do
But I promise you that I'll be good to you
If you promise that you'll try to love me too
Somehow

(Chorus)I'd steal a hundred kisses
Before you'd say goodbye
And then make a hundred wishes
In the name of you and I
Cause what we have is secret
So don't let no one know
The past can't come between us if we both just let it go
Today's the perfect day
Today's the day I tell you, oh
If you ever walk away
Then I would die right there for you

Give me your every breath and promise me your world
I don't ask for much at all
All I want is all you've got
Could you be that girl
Are you thinking of me
Or have I projected all of my hopes on you
And I know there'll be nights filled with tears
I know that there'll be fights and fears
But that's a part of it too
So do you think I have the slightest chance to be
Everything to you
Cause you mean everything to me

(Chorus)I'd steal a hundred kisses
Before you'd say goodbye
And then make a hundred wishes
In the name of you and I
Cause what we have is secret
So don't let no one know
The past can't come between us if we both just let it go
Today's the perfect day
Today's the day I tell you, oh
If you ever walk away
Then I would die right there for you
For you


I can hear Oddity in this song. I can hear me, too, the same sentiments. Are you the one? You mean everything to me.

He came again. He came early, straight from work. My future roomie and her little boy were over; I had cooked them dinner and we were sitting out in the porch and my eldest called to shoot the breeze and share some triumphs with me. And he walked up around the corner, and I caught my breath in wonder and surprise. I felt suddenly overwhelmed with emotional input - he was here, my daughter on the phone, my friend next to me...

He played with my future roomie's little boy as we chatted. They were chasing and catching fireflies after playing fetch with my dog. I had to hang up on my eldest, because I could not sustain a conversation. Then my future roomie left, and I fed him the dinner I made. It was very nice to have this moment to ourselves, just to talk. My youngest came home and also ate of my dinner - I had cooked for and fed everyone! - and then we sat in the living room (it's seen more use this evening than it has in the six months!) and played a drawing game. It was wonderful.

I called my eldest and found that she had been granted a scholarship and will be going to training to get a supervisory/managerial position at a prominent social service agency. I am SO VERY FREAKING PROUD OF HER.

He and I talked, sharing stories, as we got ready for bed. Then, quiet time, as we lay together, huddled, cuddling. Then the kissing became serious. Emmanuel's old song "Tu y Yo" spun in my head as this progressed: "Tu y yo un ramo de imagenes/tu y yo una simple formula/tu y yo caminan las hadas de aqui para alla/tu y yo un nido de pajaros/tu y yo llegando el silencio/tu y yo se forma una pagina/tu y yo haciendo una fabula/tu y yo jugamos un verso/ sin comas si reglas/sin tiempos ni acentos/dejamos la noche crecer/comiensan los besos/hacer un intento/la luna es mas grande que ayer/se unden mis manos a cada momento/encuentro una flor eres tu/me siento tan cerca te siento tan dentro/te miro en un rayo de luz/tu y yo la flor y la fabula/tu y yo el nido de un aguila/tu y yo una simple formula/tu y yo la luz ha nacido ya/tu y yo el sol viene entrando/deslizas tus pasos y el dia se queda/testigo de lo que paso/despues tu sonrisa mirando el espejo/recuerdas tu primer amor/es una aventura rozar tu rodilla/estoy acercandome a ti/te entregas y olvidar tirado en el suelo/un verso que hiciste de mi/tu y yo la flor y la fabula/tu y yo el nido de un aguila/tu y yo una simple formula."

It's simple. I love him. I love being near him. I love everything he does, even when he's unreasonably stressed. Everything seems brighter, better, sweeter, around him. I feel validated, justified, worthy, alive, real, loved. He's everything.

This morning was sweet; I love waking him up this way. And this is me, hating morning sex.... Then we got around to breakfast and getting ready for work. I look forward to the day this becomes commonplace, but I will never lose this delight.

As we walked out to his car, he passed me a note. It read:

Have a beautiful day. You are my princess. I love the way you hold me. With you I feel loved. Your smile lights up my life. And I know you really care. My heart is beating for you. You are my love, my special friend.

I haven't stopped smiling. I open it and read it almost every fifteen minutes. I am blessed to have met him, blessed that he loves me. Now if only the rest of my life would fall into place like this..

He said, last night, that he was itching to see me... and that he could be here in 40 minutes. He WANTS to see me. He WANTS to be with me. He WANTS to share things with me.

Where has he been all my life?

Was it so hard for anyone else to do that? Capt A came very close; up until his computer took his attention away from me, he wanted to spend time with me.

This is the sort of thing you dream about as a teenager, someone whose impulse is to be with you. The person whose world becomes defined by their love of you, just as your world becomes defined by him. Not obsessive, but impulsive, where your thoughts turn to the other, and hope their day goes well, and wishes they could see you. The kind that anticipates going home at night to see them. The world is brighter because they're in it. Life is beautiful, because they love you.

I've paid my dues. I deserve a love like this. I deserve a heart that beats in tandem with mine. I will work for this to last. Thank you, Oddity!

(This was written for the Lord Dragon many many years ago. Some elements here are still true, but age has rendered my self-awareness much more vivid, and I know I am real. I exist. But this was my life for years and years.)

I'm frustrated. I want to understand your philosophy. I want to see how it shapes you, your reactions; how to make sure I am a part of what you are. But your philosophy isn't ME. THIS IS ME (jump/run/climb a tree) and this is me (hang upside down and kiss you thoroughly) and this (pull up, drop from branch, roll, ouch) pain be damned. It's how I know I exist. Physicality. I'm frail, a wisp of nothing, fragile. I don't believe I exist.. I don't exist except in the eyes and minds and reflections.... and in the world of movement and feeling.

I crave attention, for then I know I exist. I am vain, looking into every mirror, becasue it proves I'm physically there. When someone loves me, I know I exist. I'm real. When I hurt - and I hate pain - I know I exist. I know I'm alive. When I am moving, I can forget having to prove I exist, for then I'm alive, I'm real, I am Myself. I'm no longer fragile or will 'o'the wisp or frail when I'm moving - dancing, blading, biking, walking, running, playing Kung Fu. I'm alive, I'm strong, I'm vigorous. The feeling of translating music to movement with my body, the awareness of motion, of rhythm, of sound and fury and joy within my body - I am REAL. When you make love to me, I am alive. I can feel you, sense you, taste you, and I know you acknowledge my existence. I thrill to be alive to the touch of you, the smell and taste of you, your sounds, your breath, your body.. they become the boundaries of my existence, the proof that I am real, not a dream.

Around my children, I'm not real. I'm someone called Mommy. Around my parents, I'm a Daughter, and not the one they wanted. Around certain people I just don't feel real. I don't exist for them, in my mind. When I'm alone, I can be at peace so long as I'm moving. When I stop, I doubt my existence. I doubt myself; I'm no longer real.

Why do you love me? I'm nothing but a fantasy, unreal, a dream that will dissipate with the cold light of morning - it sounds so insulting, as if you would accept a dream instead of a real person. But my reality is caught up in sensation, in physicality, in touch and motion. The perception always there, unshakeable, that this is all just a game, nothing matters, nothing is real. Sometimes I'm just an actor, playing a role whose purpose was forgotten a long time ago.

"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'll understand/When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..." Iris, GooGoo Dolls.

He came over, we went to dinner, we came back and sat around talking (with my daughter); we got ready for bed. We spoke for a while, we made out, we played, we slept. Sleeping on the floor is uncomfortable and we're both over 40. But still, we were together for a little while, in each other's arms, inhaling the same air.

When we're together it feels like we're younger. "Whenever I'm alone with you... you make me feel like I am young again... However far away, I will always love you" The Cure. This morning we did more and completed... I love knowing I can do that to him. I feel a quickening inside of me when I sense his reactions to what I do.

It's going to be a long hard winter while we're living in different cities.

I cleaned out my desk. And ran headfirst into my memories - of my childhood, of Lord Dragon and The Devil (prior to Lord Dragon) and of Capt A; of my eldest's frightening descent and the fears surrounding it. My childhood, lonely and alienated; The Devil and my lack of self esteem; the Lord Dragon and how I felt about him, and how he betrayed me. Capt A and the way we struggled to keep love alive. My eldest ... I'm afraid of going through the rest of this stuff.. for fear that it will trigger a cryfest.

drat memories.

"And it really kicks my head/Rips me up and makes me sad/Sending shiver down on me/expressing Velocity/All I want is not for me/All I need I cannot be/Sending shiver down on me/Expressing Velocity" Neuroticfish

"I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you" Hoobastank

"But the paws of fear upon your chest/Only love can soothe that beast/And my words are paper tigers/No match for the predators of pain inside her/I say love will come to you/Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true/As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through/Where theres now one there will be two.." Indigo Girls

"Have I been blind/Have I been lost inside myself and my own mind/Hypnotized mesmerized by what my eyes have seen/Have I been wrong/Have I been wise to shut my eyes and play along/Hypnotized paralyzed by what my eyes have found/By what my eyes have seen/What they have seen/Have I been blind/Have I been lost have I been wrong/Have I been wise have I been strong/Have I been hypnotized mesmerized/By what my eyes have found/In that great street carnival/In that carnival" Natalie Merchant

Alicia Keys, Diary.

All the above dedicated to my friend and confidant; of whom I am both friend and confidant. I am honored and awed to be there for you. Thank you for being there for me. I understand, and thank you for understanding. Thank you for supporting my decision, and for supporting my love for Oddity. Thank you for so much more that you've been for me. Thank you for breaking me free.

My daydreams consist of finding a job in Lancaster that pays over $32k/yr and having enough time to find a good apartment and move there. Sometimes Teri is in them, reformed and responsible. Sometimes Teri has moved on - back to NY.

Oddity, also, has found a new job that pays well. I get an apartment near him and at some point, we decide to share an apartment. (y/o casarnos!)

I have tons of bill to pay off. More than his debts. about oooo 5x more. With a better job here in York, and if Teri cooperates, I may be able to pay the majority off by xmas, leaving only the student loans. If Teri doesn't coooperate, well, I have to leave Aaron's house and pay rent and utilities and THAT will prevent me from paying off any of them.

I can only pray my youngest gets a clue. Then my daydreams can become a reality - though it still will be about a year from now. le sigh.

I really really DETEST HATE ABHOR air conditioning. I am sitting in my office, with two thick sweaters on, two more sweaters wrapped around my legs, wishing I had thicker socks on 'cause my toes are cold. Every joint in my body hurts and my back is tight and painful from trying to hunch away from the cold and shivering. I'm probably the only person who feels this way in this office, but this doesn't bode well for my future work abilities if this cold sensitivity continues. My fingers and hands hurt and my shoulders and elbows hurt and this is awful. I'm going to have to break out the heater again just so that I can function!

Didn't bring my mp3 today with me... wanted to see if I was willing to be alone with my own thoughts. I am. It's all good. My neck hurts a bit; bad sleeping posture. I was able to work out all the other body kinks and aches, but my neck's always a bugger. My heels still hurt from the pounding I gave them for Celtic Fling Concert. And the longer I sit on this chair, the worse it hurts when I get up. And I'm soooo cold! This cold makes my aching middleaging body worse. I hate it with a passion but I can't do a damn thing about it other than wear sweaters and scarves and long pants and socks. I wish I could find a job that didn't have air conditioning...

Still looking for work. My fondest desire is to find a perfect job - IN LANCASTER - and just start working there, staying at either Gypsy's or Oddity's for the week and then staying in York on the weekends. The down side to that is that I'm still responsible for Teri.

Ah, we (the social worker and I) had that conversation - why is Teri so low priority. Well, first of all... SHE'S EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. What can I use to control her behavior??? And then there's the whole acquiescence thing. If she doesn't want to do something and I make her do it, it's bitch, rant, whine, complain and generally make everyone around her miserable. It's why my friends do not want to deal with her coming along on anything. If I deny her something, it's bitch, rant, complain, compare, wheedle, cry, yell and generally making me so miserable I can't be at peace. Or, she's just go off and then I'm responsible.

So work will stay in York, as will I. I am planning on moving Teri up to the attic; the logistics are a little on the staggering side, but I figure that I can move some boxes out of the attic, some boxes can be repacked and stored elsewhere, and some can be tossed because I do collect much junk. But something has to be done; she can't continue this way. She steps on Capt A's toes and mine and it's becoming dreadful. If Teri gets and keeps a job, she can stay in that room. If not, she's outa there.

And all this stresses me out and I don't want to be on meds (another stressor in and of itself). GAH. But at least I'm handling it well right now. Then again, I've been alone for almost 24 hours and that's always good, when I can be alone during daylight hours.

Last night was a trip. After watching Lady in the Water (I liked it!) I debated where to sleep and finally decided to sleep in my own bed in the attic... and so I secured all the windows, took the dogs, the bladed sword, my knives and a heavy steel hammer upstairs so that I had enough to defend myself should anything come up those stairs. I never said I was sane.

So I had a very good weekend. Friday night, I took my friend Alliecat (visiting from Jersey) to see Gaelic Storm at the Celtic Fling Friday night concert. I could not afford to go to the whole Fling, but Oddity had Saturday off, so I had consolation prize. Anyway, Alliecat and I met up with Troy and Patsy and we saw Albannach (I ran into Sparkly Mermaid, too) and Sycthian. Love Albannach, and adore Sycthian. Capt A called and so did Oddity, as well as my son (asking for more money) and my youngest (she is safe). When Gaelic Storm came on, Alliecat knew almost all the words to the songs and we danced and had loads of fun.

Next day, I was supposed to get the snake fed and so I had to go purchase a frozen rat (jumbo. please.) However, I relied on Rabbittransit. May I never make that mistake again. I wasted an hour waiting for a connection; I would have gotten to the store and done had I walked in that time. Well, so it delayed me a little but I made the bus to Lancaster with minutes to spare. When I got to Lancaster, Oddity took me to eat and then we went home to just be together (and all that entails). It was nice to spend the afternoon lazing about, talking and randomly being a couple.

"Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting / Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight! / Afternoon Delight.... afternoon delight!"

We finally roused ourselves to get ready to go to Gypsy's Day of the Dead party. I forgot hostess gifts, but I am strapped for cash and I also forgot commemorative items from the people I wanted to remember. Ah well; Ray and I painted ourselves up and went out and had a good time. The only wierd thing was this girl who acted like a cat and triggered all my not-so-good reactions - in terms of I was constantly touching her and this wasn't making Oddity feel good. I don't blame him; as I explained, I love affection and physical contact. But I am no longer the goddess of lust and sexual entanglements; this behaviour should be devoted to the guy who has given his heart to me. It was not a pleasant convo on the way home, but as stated, we both have lots of working out of things to do. and I can't be doing that sort of thing; I want Oddity in my life, not a string of anonymous encounters.

He didn't let it become a big thing, and we retired to his bed content and holding me. I love him.

This morning I woke him up pleasantly and then we lazed about, either on his computer or just on the futon talking. Of course, as always on a Sunday, somehow we manage to get busy just before we're due to be out the door - we barely made my bus back to York - seconds to spare! But I would NOT give that up for the world. He is too enjoyable and the memories keep me warm and happy on the weeknights...

So far I've managed to avoid leaving my peaceful house, but I have to pass by one of my son's friends' home to give them money he borrowed from them, which leaves me effectively broke for the week. And this weekend, I'm paying for my phone AND one of the myriad bills I must pay. There is no money for the next few weeks for anyone but me. ME, because I'm the one working my ass off in a job I hate to be able to make ends meet. My kids will just have to get a job.

I hope to see Oddity Saturday night, but we'll see. We'll play it by ear. I had a magnificent weekend.

My friend Temptation: he's not happy and I wish I could find a way to work things out in his favor. He's hurting and I hate to see someone who's been an incredibly kind and good friend hurt like this. My heart grieves for him.

So, last night, I IM'd about applying to the Baltimore Teaching Residency. I finally see how this could have set someone off - 'residency' could mean having to live in Baltimore, and that's more than an hour away from home (home is where your heart is, and my heart is in Lancaster). This stressed Oddity out. I did not think it was stressworthy until I realized how it sounded to someone who'd never heard of the program. Capt A is a teacher in Baltimore through this program, but he's never lived and will never live in Baltimore. I am of the same mind. I can't accept that job offer if it happens and I haven't got my driver's license yet. But Oddity didn't know that.
So I do understand, now, why he stressed. BUT. He's told me many a time to rely on our love. So why didn't he then? I would not do something to keep us apart. And, then he states that IM should be for light stuff, general talk, joking. The application to Balti was general talk, as far as I was concerned (again, I acknowledge the misunderstanding). However, I need to point out a few things.
IM is the only way we can communicate during the week. We live still too far from each other to actually have face to face conversations. We have so much to catch up on during the short weekends we do have together that leaving serious talk for then is illogical. And, I listen to him when he needs to vent.
Evenings have always been hard on me; I've known a measure of peace while I was with Capt A but echoes of the trauma of youth still abound, especially now when I spend them alone and worried about finances and my children. My outlet is speaking to Oddity in the evenings for the 1-2 hours past my bedtime. But if what I say stresses him out, then it's not viable.
And I'm alone again, with my thoughts and demons.
I am very understanding, and very flexible. But I will no longer allow myself to hurt for someone else. I love Oddity deeply. We are going to have to come to a compromise on this. I intend to speak with him about it this weekend, seriously. I fear it will be agonizing. But nothing comes easy.

I've gotta blog these things. He sent me an email this morning with photos from photobucket.com The first was a smiling sun. The second was a chalkboard with the lyrics to "You Are My Sunshine" scrawled on it... "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, with the things you do, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away." The third was a sun, with the words 'You are (and in the circle of the sun, my) sunshine".
I cried. at work, like a baby.. very happy joyous delighted in awe baby.
so i sent him a few: a little "I Fucking Love You"; a "All I want is to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to the warmth of your body next to mine"; a tiny "I've been waiting for you all my life" and a poem with a lotus flower that states that his love is all i needed; he is the missing part of me.
I'm so blessed.

Again.. music is the key to me. He posted: Afternoon Delights - I used to like that song.

I DREAMED of having sex to that song. That was one of the most overtly sexual songs I had heard, to me. And I wasn't aware it was about sex until much later! And I dream of having afternoon skyrockets with him. oh my goddess.

Then he posted, as a bulletin, the New Order song Leave Me Alone; he heard that song alot the days after his dad died. I had to look up the lyrics, and listened to it time and time again. Oh, the pain.. and what a sensitive, amazing man he was even then. I think I fell more in love with him just today.

Silver Blue, by Roxette: I wrap my arms around your naked shoulders/take cover for the night/And I fade to silver, silver blue for you...

I had a bad night. I was sinking deep into that depressive, defeatist abyss. I scared Oddity. I hope I don't scare him away, but it's going to be difficult if he can't survive those episodes. I'm afraid he'll fall out of love with me. I'm too damaged.

Ah well. That's life. It hurts, but I'm not normal and I'm not sane and you can't have all the funloving wild happy optimistic parts of me without the dark dangerous choppy waters below it. This is what I meant when I said I love the whole person; you are not just the happy parts. You are the dark deep ugly things too. Those things you mask from everyday interactions are still there, under the surface, and when I love someone, I love that too - because without that, you have no depth, no reality, no personality. I hope someone will love me like that too.

I'm damaged, but I'm glorious in my flaws. Love me, even through the dark times. I'm insecure, I'm selfish, I'm impatient. I admire your patience, your ability to keep your soul alive while being trapped. I hate being trapped; I lived 17 years trapped and beaten down. I don't want to live like that. You have no idea what fear and horror living your life the last 9 years would have given me. It would have destroyed me. The longest I've ever lasted in a job is 5 years, and a concatenation of events drove me to a hospital to prevent a suicide attempt.

I don't want to live without love. Perhaps I can survive this just because you love me. But I need to be reassured. It may mean reassurance every day - are you up to that? I feel so much emotion, both negative and positive. It is violent and extreme; I will be a different person on medication. Can you live with that? I was on meds twice; I was not fond of it but the second time, it saved my sanity.

The way I am when we make love - that is my constant state of emotion. I ride them, highs and lows. I feel acutely. I feel everything. This is considered a mental illness only because it can interfere with normal, day to day functioning. I live with this; have done so all my life. Don't let it scare you away, please. You don't have to deal with it directly, but deal with it you may have to, in some way. You can survive my worst, you deserve my best. And my best, hon, you know, is fantastic.

I will not crash and burn this time. I will refocus. Don't abandon me; don't give up. Love me. Tell me you love me every day. I will reciprocate. I will give back with interest all the good and the love and the hope and the strength you can share with me. I can bring you joy as fierce as the tears we may spill together. Love me.

Was looking at pictures of Capt A in Hawaii. I loved him alot; I see his face and still feel the echoes. I loved his face, his eyes; the curve of his lips and the comfort of his arms. I wish I could be for him what he wanted, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTED. I never figured that out. I guess, in his estimation, I was simply not smart enough to figure it out.
He has sparkling, crystal eyes. Such an open, friendly face. Sweet, and loving. But that wasn't enough. Is it me? I certainly wanted more. I wanted fire, and passion. I wanted to be IMPORTANT TO YOU, GODDAMMIT, Capt A. I wanted to be the focal point of your life. I wanted you to make plans and INCLUDE ME IN THEM. But I wasn't important enough. Oh, you did tell me you loved me, that you loved me deeply and greatly. But you making plans to go to Exeter and not include me in some way - keep the home fires burning, or something. Anything other than that I would be a free agent. I wanted to mean enough to you for you NOT TO WANT TO LOSE ME. I wanted to be valuable enough for you to stop and say, No, without you I am not going to make it.
But you will make it, without me. You move on. I'm not worried; just sad. You'll continue being this way, and every woman who falls for you will realize that the only important thought in your head is for you. You're not selfish, you're just not capable of making someone else important in your life. Whomever the bitch who was the root cause of that, I hope she suffers every fucking day. I hate her and I don't even know her.
I hate feeling like this.

When Lord Dragon hurt me, this song for some reason resonated but hurt. Recently, I heard it again, and it reminded me of Oddity AND Capt A. I could imagine Oddity singing the first part to me: State of the Union: Romancing the Stone You've got what I need/and every desire that I crave/you're just what I want/the perfect body, the perfect face/I love who you are/for every move you make for every word you say/for every second that we spend..... (So Oddity put it as his profile song on his MS. I love that man. I really do.) When I'm not around/it's sometimes hard to keep things clear/temptations are high/but for a moment think of me/Cause I'm lost every second without you/and it feels like I'm losing my mind/Keeping true to ourselves through the distance/makes me feel like romancing a stone. (Now I sing it to Oddity, and I've a feeling he sings it to me too.) (This part reminds me of Lord Dragon and of me with Capt. A) How can I leave you? How can I dare to walk away/when you were there in every step/when you were always there for me/How can I do this/when tears are running down your face/when hurt is all you feel inside/and love does not deserve my name..... 'Cause I'm lost every second without you/and it feels like I'm losing my mind/Keeping true to ourselves through the distance/Makes me feel like romancing a stone/But this shadow keeps merging between us/Keeping darkness in my solitude/Giving in to the sin precious darling/Makes me feel like romancing the stone.

That first part? Just thinking that Oddity is singing it to me makes my spine melt. I hope he has a good time tonight; he had a run-in with his boss. I can only trust in my instinct that this all will work out - new jobs, new life, and us together. I am sure of it, I just don't know if I can trust it.

So he came to my house last night. The dogs loved him, of course, those girls are round at the heel from the word go! It was nice to have him there, even with the uncomfortable reality that this is NOT my house.
It's hard to keep my hands off him. And the same goes for him, I think. I wish I could rely/believe my impressions. We ate the dinner I made and talked a bit. I showed him around the house and introduced him, at a distance, to Murgatroyd. He got me a potted African Violet (my love of blue!).
I feel I simply can't get used to holding him. I am acutely aware of the brief periods of time we have to spend together. I want to hold him and never let go. I love to hear his heart beat and his breathing. I love to inhale his scent, Lagerfeld and skin, laundry fresh shirt and the undercurrent of pheromones.
We set out the sleeping area in the living room; no hanky panky - my daughter was awake all night, and anyway, it would have been wierd. But I slept wrapped up in his arms. We talked back and forth, about body aches and desires, the future and our past. My daughter came by in the morning and exclaimed how cute we were all tangled up in each other. We are cute together.
We got dressed, ate cereal for breakfast, and he ended up sticking around for the Social Service lady visit. Parting, ah, such sweet sorrow, bittersweet pleasure and pain. I know it will be at least a year before we are in a position to share our lives in earnest; but oh, I want that now.
I miss you, Oddity, so much, and I just saw you this morning. I feel like a child and a woman with you. I feel alive and cossetted, fierce and sweet, violent and tender (now how's THAT for a reaction?) I want to prove myself to you and there's nothing to prove.
There's a song in spanish by Bebe called 'Siete Horas' (seven hours) that reminds me of the anticipation I feel when I'm going to see you.
"Seven hours, running through the city - seven hours my legs are giving out! seven hours I'm beginning to go backwards - seven hours and I'll will see you again! And I don't know how long I chase that moment thinking about each movement in slow motion and my nostalgia becomes the blood that rises and falls and floods me with desire - I don't want to do a thing, I'm trapped by nervousness I can't take any more, my patience is gone every minute is endless and still there's
seven hours (chorus) I watch the bus schedule and make sure my legs are smooth I stand I sit I can't concentrate I'm so distracted I watch the clock every minute I'm caught and feeling the pinch of time I fear I won't get there in time I check my bags, my clothes my underwear and in a little while I'll be checking you with my mouth."
It sounds better in spanish, very hectic and desperate. It is one of my favorite of the Bebe songs because it captures so well how I feel about seeing you.

I love the heat; he's a summer afternoon in the city. Spare and lean, his face is angled, a little scary. Yet his eyes are soft. They are brown/green wells of old pain and loneliness, but hope and joy shine in their depths. He's never given up. When he wears his facepaint, they are hidden, those eyes of incredible emotion. He barely smiled, but when he smiles, even the shadows dance in the light. He didn't realize how tangible his aura was until people commented on the change. It is palpable, alive, glowing - and now more than ever he shines. His face, so oddly foreboding, breaks into a grin easily. His eyes dance. I love the feel of his face in my hands, his lips on my skin.

Intense, his eyes, his regard, his emotions. It hums off his skin. I've been told I am the live wire in someone's arms, but holding him is like holding a live wire. He trembles and he is strong, hard and soft at the same time. He's so alive, so vivid, so at odds with his shyness. The shyness; the vulnerable sweet little boy inside his wiry frame is so endearing.

Gangly and possessed; an amalgam of youth and age, experience and wonder. I love the white in his goatee; instead of age, it brings out his liveliness. I love his hands; the thought of them touching me leaves me weak and breathless. I love to touch him, to feel him with my hands, my skin; I want to taste him and breath him in. I want his arms around me, his lips on my forehead - I feel safe, loved, whole.

The sound of his voice flows over me, into my head, fills my heart. The sight of him always makes me catch my breath. My eyes sought him out even before I understood why; now, they hunger for his glance. He makes me feel at peace and agitated, calm and crazy. It has always felt right and comfortable, but now the fear is leaving; I feel a little more secure. I always feel that time is against me, but he has waited a long long time - for me. For Me.

I am the value, the light, the factor, the hope. He is my heart, my soul, my love, the breath I take, the warmth of the sun, the beauty in the day. He is the missing part of my soul. I am his completion. We belong to each other, by each other, with each other, for each other.

"I like/where we are/when we drive/in your car/I like/where we are/here/Our lips/can touch/and our cheeks/can brush/Our lips/can touch/here/'Cause you are the one, the one who lies close to me/whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"/I fell in love/in love with you suddenly/Now there's no place else I could be/but here in your arms/(music)/I like/where you sleep/when you sleep/next to me/I like/where you sleep/here/Our lips/can touch/and our cheeks/can brush/Our lips/can touch/here...."

Hellogoodbye sings this and I love this song. Everytime I hear it, I think of Oddity. Because it's true; I like when we drive in his car, 'cause I get to touch him. And when I sleep over... it's heaven. I do, I miss him terribly. And there's no place else I want to be but in his arms.

I want to say so many things. I love the way he tastes, the way he sounds; the looks on his face. I adore his smile. His laughter, his pissy moods (this could just be new relationship energy, as my coven leader asserts), his driving, the way he sleeps (mi carita de angel). I love his eyes, his hands, his neck; the way his head is shaped. Lordie, it's bad. I want him all the time. And not necessarily to have sex. I just want to touch him, to know he's real. I really enjoy ... wow, do I have the balls to say that here? Let's just say he definitely triggers my oral fixation. He loves me!!! He thinks, as I do, that we're ideal for each other!

I might not see him for more than seven days this week. It is going to hurt. I need to be more adult about this, but it's hard. Wow, that sentence is so loaded!

I want to write poems about him; he does a good job writing them, but I find myself resorting to songs. That's where I end up, compiling music that reminds me of him. Recently, he posted Let Me Be Your Armor by Assemblage 23 for me. He posted She's My Addiction for me. That sort of stuff gets me every time. I want to post the first part of "Romancing the Stone" by State of the Union for him (the second part is for A).

He's All I Want!

it SUCKS when I'm hormonal/emotional. Stupid shit makes me cry. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Little disappointments become, in this emotional state, momentous. Sheesh.
When I get like this, I soar high or drop like a stone and it's not comfortable. I feel physical pain, like my heart is breaking, or - if it's happy stuff - as if it were trying to lift out of my chest. I shake, I feel hollow. I ate twice this morning to stave this sort of situation off, but I guess it's just a byproduct of my physiological and psychological makeup and I'll have to live through it.
Well, the good side to this is that I feel everything acutely - so when I am happy, and having a good time, I'm REALLY having a good time!
Listening to my mp3 player which is full of all sorts of love songs and ballads. At least, I don't feel that overwhelmingly obsessive desire/need to be with Oddity; it's calming down. I'm looking for work. Want to clean the house and get rid of all the crap, so that I can consolidate Teri's things and move her into the attic with me, so that Capt. A can have his space and let us stay there - I have no way to get an apartment or support one for the next six months, unless I get a better paying job (has to pay 12-15/hr and that may not be possible). I also have to drive. I can drive. I need the road experience.
I bet all these worries are what's triggering this hormonal emotional storm. Fuck.

"So far away/doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore/it would be so fine to see your face at my door/and it doesn't help to know/you're just time away/Long ago I reached for you and/there you stood/holding you again could only do me good/how I wish I could/but you're so/far away//One more song about moving along the highway/can't say much of anything that's new/if I could only work this life out my way/I'd rather spend it/being close to you....."

This day's an invitation/And it's just for you/You've got a reservation/For the 17th of June/Open your eyes and let/the sun break in for a while/There may be something/That you've never seen inside (never seen inside) /Feel how your heart beats like a heavy machine/The sound of the traffic is like a far, silent dream/The dust in the park - the exhaust from the cars/Ascends in that heated afternoon -you touch a sweaty body! / Summer in Berlin, it's alright (it's alright)/The day feels so tired/From the lead in the air and the fire in the skies/Life seemed to be a fault of grace but it's ok/It gave you a kiss/In the middle of the crossroads" Summer in Berlin, Alphaville

I got to the bus station just about at 5pm, and Oddity was waiting for me on the 16th. We talked awhile - I had to bring him up to speed on my kids; of course, this pisses everyone off. We got home with some groceries and I started cooking (because that's how I was brought up). We ate dinner and curled up on the couch - I wanted to watch a Love and Rocket video that he has. We cuddled and played around then went to bed. There are things we like doing together that I shan't note here, but we had fun and we slept happy. We should have gotten up early to go to the beach but we took our time and had more fun. I love to make him feel good.

I had the song playing in my head; it is for this reason that I took the 17th off. He offered to take me to Wildwood (where he goes with his mom to vacation every year). The drive was long, but we talked and relaxed and I love to see him in profile. I love to watch him talk, and drive; smile or frown. We got to the beach at about 12 and it was simply GLORIOUS. We had crossword puzzles and music and people watching and talking and holding of hands and ice cream (several times!) and taking sun - I got truly sunburned! - and the only bad thing is that his ear got stuffed up that morning and it was bothering him. I wish I could have taken that for him!

We walked practically the length of the beach AND the broadwalk. He showed me the places he visited when with his mom, and what they did, and the people he met, where he parked, the stores that disappeared, stories about people they see every year, the clubs and how they are migrating to suit the yuppy/college crowd, condo buying et al folks. We watched the scary rides and the water rides and In Between days was playing at some point at the water park area.

We ate at the Lobster Shack - deLIcious! - and just strolled. It was a perfect day, truly, to spend with him. I love being around him to listen to him talk, to speak to him.

On our way home, the conversation again turned to the kids. I know he gets pissed off about them, and I wish I could keep this out of the conversation now. But he cares, and that is endearing. Otherwise, we saw the sun set, a military airplane land (sorta), the full moon rising. We drove past where his mom worked and lived for a while. His auto accident was sometime around late 1990. This and his dad's death figure very large in his life, as does his brother and his mom.

We got home and got ready for bed, but sleep wasn't the first thing on the menu. Again, this was perfect. I can't imagine any better close to a perfect day. And then this morning, the 18th, I made him feel good again - I love doing that. I truly do.

I daydream of moving to Lancaster to be close to him, or learning to drive. When I got home, I did drive A's new Ford Escape to repark it. It is easier the second time around. it really is. I will drive by his birthday. I need to; I need to make progress and break free of my prison.

I love him. I'd give him everything.

A few things: a little girl I resonated with I finally found out why; she was molested. I want to kill who did it - and I rather like the fellow. Or used to. Now I just want him dead.

I have head lice. I don't know where it came from or why it's happening to me NOW. just that I found an adult louse crawling through my foam earpiece at work and totally flaked out. In a quiet way. I lost it when I got home, though. Cleaning everything.

My son told my parents about my breaking up with Capt. A and a little about Oddity. It wasn't a pleasant conversation.

Temptation found himself falling in love with me. He's a wonderful dear friend and I wish I could undo that for him. It's flattering, and I'm betting it would not have happened had I not become inaccessible. He states he will get over it. I will be sure to stay his friend no matter what. I just wish other girls would see what I saw in him.

Oddity is definitely my match. There's no one like him. Yesterday his computer died; today our phones are fucked up for some unfathomable reason and tonight I think I'm going to crash like a ton of bricks.

I have no money to go to my therapy appointment. Frantically looking for my credit card. I could have sworn I had it in my wallet, but I don't.

Listening to my mp3 player, the song Angel One came on "how did you know? When I loved your body, my mind was with someone else? How did you know? I've made my decision and someone's is going to hurt. Sometimes people are made to stay; Maybe I will be some day" I always think of Capt. A now with this song.

I know he's angry. I also know that I took a risk in staying overnight Tuesday night - I wanted to see Ritter's Alternative night (and it was GREAT) though the poor turnout may work against it (Tuesday night, c'mon now). But I could not bear to make anyone drive me home at 1am and turn around and return to lancaster... that's just wrong.

I also took a risk 'cause I'm pretty sure calling in today is going to be the deathknell of my job. I'm burned out on the job; I can't understand how people can do it, go day after day to the same place doing the same thing. And I always feel like I'm that greek god who has to roll that huge rock uphill and never ever makes it.. or makes it to had to start all over again. I'm so frustrated I cry.

so many things I'm risking because of this emotional force. I had stability, but no passion. I had a home and a man who would have never betrayed me, but who also sounded like he'd never commit completely to me either. I have a steady job, but I can't take the daily grind. How the hell am I going to survive if I've not developed the coping skills for losing my soul? Because that what it felt like - I was bartering my soul for stability.

Not everyone is like that; why do I have to be the flake? Okay, my brothers are the same, but still - what fucked-up-edness caused this?

I watch Oddity in bed, sleeping; he's like the oddest angelic creature I've ever seen. I feel so protective AND protected when I look at him. Gangly limbs and a face that goes from pretty forbidding to tenderly vulnerable. I love looking into his eyes. Goddess, I want to protect him and baby him and take care of him and never see sorrow or pain in those eyes!

I'm hoping this obsessive emotion is calming down - at least so I can function from day to day. I'll need to refocus. I don't want it to go away. I've found my match, my other half, the pieces to my heart. He's filled all the little empty spaces inside me (get your mind out of the gutter). I'm his everything. I'm the joy in his eyes. He's the beat of my heart. Goddess, thank you.

What do you do when you know something is so fucking right, so fucking perfect, but you can't do anything about it at the moment? God, I could toss everything in my life out (except music, books, kids and dogs) just to start fresh with the perfect person. I wish I could write this on my LiveJournal or on MySpace, just to crow about it.

I kind of figured that the Right One would come when I was older. It still kicked me in the head when it happened. My chimes are still ringing (well, that could be for other reasons too... blush) and I'm still reeling from how absolutely awesome this is. I literally am in awe; I can stare at him for hours, amazed at the experience. I am being good at controlling the evil vicious spic green monster when girls he's known for-like-ever comes up and eats the candy from around his neck - MY NECK, MY MAN, MY CANDY! I know I'm being irrational; if any of them had any real interest or had he been interested that way, it would have already happened. I just have to keep telling myself that I've finally got what I wanted, what I deserve, and that it's not going anywhere - 'cause I'm what he wanted, what he deserves, what he's been looking for.

Mutual admiration society here. Someone who gives out what I give out. It is unbelieveable how perfect it feels. I've so got to pare my life down and get ready to start new on my own - so that we can be the unit, the item, the entity that we should be. In the open. With or without approval - doesn't matter, 'cause it's just us two. He's my heart, my soul, my everything. He's real, he's sexy, he's tender, he's startling, he's strong, unique, odd, different, fantastic, tasty, interesting, amazing, mine. He's mine. I'm his. I'm all his.

I just read that a friend of mine had been attacked and raped not too long ago. I can't describe to you the hate, fury, evil vicious emotions this causes. I HATE RAPISTS. They should die slowly and as painfully as possible. They are the ultimate bully, the devil in flesh, the deepest evil on this planet. That would be the only reason for hell; for rapists to eternally boil and scream and never receive mercy.

I'm shaking. Not sure why. It could be exhaustion, emotion, lack of sleep, hunger (need meat!), anger, frustration, hate of this job...

I know what my son and daughter go through when they want to make a life change. Nothing works as fast as we want it to. I want to have a new job and start fresh; I have to pare down my belongings and baggage. I feel trapped by Teri's shenanigans and fear living with her alone because I can't control what she does. This is not the way for a mom to feel!!! I want to spend time with my new friends and old friends and still be able to focus on my home and pets and kid and life. I want to make Capt A happy but I am not in love with him. I want to start new with Oddity and still be on my own. I want to live by myself and see what that's like here, where the rush isn't present. Lancaster seems like a happening place and my new friends are there, but I don't want to leave York or my friends here. I want to see what living in Harrisburg would be like - and working there!

I want to be self sufficient, and I want to take care of Oddity and his concerns. I want to have a place I can bring my granddaughter to and enjoy her company; I want to be independent enough to make my eldest proud. I need to be on my own, the sooner the better. Capt. A said I would be that way, all sails to the wind, precariously perched.

I want to grow old with Oddity. I want to be young with my future grandchildren. I want to be free. I want to stop shaking!!!!

So instead of taking a shower and getting ready for work, I'm posting another secret blog. I am so fucking pissed off at Captain A. He's thanking other people for listening to him this weekend; I understand his need for that and I am not pissed at that. I am pissed that 4 years of being almost the ONLY soundingboard he had is NOT FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED. He's never really taken me for granted, but I was the person who listened to all his ideas, hopes, fears, schemes, thoughts, gaming rants, gaming excitements - I know all about Eve because he spoke about every action he took on that game for weeks on end. I was the person to listen to him for any little thing. When I took an active approach to his ideas, however, he thought I was tearing him down (which I wasn't).

I didn't get the same level of feedback I gave. He couldn't read my papers because I wrote so obtrusely. He couldn't JUST listen to me (but he could not do more than one thing at a time????) I obviously wasn't as interesting as his headspace was.

And it's not so much the listening thing that pissed me off; it's indicative of the greater arch of Captain A behavior. HE DOES NOT GIVE WHAT HE EXPECTS TO GET FROM OTHER PEOPLE. He simply doesn't get the clue that you get what you give out, and can't understand why his brother or friends sometimes pull away from his ideas or conversation. He is not cooperative, though he thinks he is.

Gah. I'm ticked. I'm furious. I've got to calm down.

To hell with it. If anyone reads this that wants to start trouble, this is gist for the mill. I am with Ray. I am his girl. woman. whatever. We were MEANT for each other. It really feels like he's the missing piece to me. He feels the same way. There's still so much we have to work out individually that will make this a challenging relationship. But it is a relationship. We work together. We're not even awkward with each other, though there are situations that may seem that way. The music, the moods, the talking, the connection, the peace we feel with each other. Walking hand in hand; just being together with no expectations other than enjoying each other's company. Granted, this is all very brand new and we're really just getting to know each other. But, for once in MY life, I'm someone's world and he's letting me know this! He's my world and he accepts this!

I'm happy, even though I've got to work on a lot of things in my life to be able to make this work - kids and baggage and job and living arrangements. He's got his things to handle too; this brings to mind the Depeche Mode song "Shake The Disease".

It feels right. It feels like I've come home. I feel like I've found the person I've been looking for. and he tells me the feeling is mutual. Dear goddess, let this be real and lasting. I'm afraid.

It will soon be time to change my MS status. I just wish there was a way to say "not single, not looking, fuck off" until I can announce I'm in a relationship again.

Somos amantes. Ni en suenos pensaba que iba ser como fue esta noche. Ave maria, que sensual! y nos dormimos abrazados, sudando, cansados y contentos. Y todavia, queda mas - porque aunque somos amantes, no se ha consumido completamente. Estuvimos nerviosos - diablo, YO, timida! Nunca! pero con el, si; sus ojos de nenito y su sonrisa de angel son tesoros de mi memoria. Me lo quise comer de pie a cabeza. Quise abrazarlo y cariciarlo y besarlo tiernamente. Me latia el corazon como un ataque de corazon; me quede sin respiracion cada vez que me besaba. Y le gusta besar. Aye, diosa, si pudiera describir su carita amante! Y me dice, despues, en chat: nunca pensaba yo que ibas a ser tal maravilla, entendida y que eres mi novia! Que suerte tengo! me dice el.

Se lo merece. Le quiero dar todo lo que pueda, pero tengo que dar pasitos pequenos; son muchas los obstaculos que tengo al frente mio antes de quedarme libre para amarlo.

I wrote in spanish for the gossipmongers, if any reads this, not to have a feast.

Revisiting an older blog about a story idea: What if your longevity was directly connected to the deaths of others on this planet? What if the recent disasters that have struck China, Myanmar, Indonesia, the Midwestern US, etc - and the deaths from the wars and guerrilla actions occurring as we speak - prolongs your life - gives you youth-gives you vitality? Would you want to live that way? Would you continue living knowing it is dependent on the deaths of hundreds or thousands of people?

What if there were only one of you? Would that make a difference? What if there were more of you, and you could never know their motivations? What ethical values could you hold if your life depended on deaths?

Me ama y es sensible - paso a paso, me dice, con calma llegamos adonde queremos estar. Por ahora, disfrutemos de los momentos juntos y los dias separados son para establecernos y crecer.
Somos novios, me dice; no estuve segura hasta anoche. No soy una mujer paciente; lo quiero todo ahora, pero en verdad se que esa manera de ser me echa a perderlo todo. El esta nervioso - lo seria cualquiera que cumple los 46 sin tener un amor solido a pasar de familia. Este ano el cruza caminos con su pai, quien murio a los 46 de un ataque al corazon enfrente de su familia. Esta experiencia lo ha afectado mucho; y que, este ano, el sobrevivira su pai es algo emocional y extrano.
La edad es lo que mas me atrae. Este ano cumplo los 44; aparento mas joven. El tambien no aparenta su edad. Somos locos, fisicos, bailando con gente la mitad de nuestra edad y duramos mas. Es un romantico, y yo soy de las que brincan antes de mirar.
No nos hemos dicho "Te Amo" y quizas no se dira hasta que tiempo pase. Lo dire aqui, donde nadie le importa: Te Amo, Raro.

Tratando de escribir algo que exprese como me siento al momento y me recorde que puedo decirlo en espanol - y los que buscan chisme no lo entenderan porque solo saben ingles.

Lo quiero. Tengo temor que sea temporario - que mis emociones son solo por razon de temporada o situacion o atencion. No hablo del Capitan; hablo del que llamo el Raro. Ni Tentacion me hico sentir como solo una mirada del Raro me hace sentir. Y lo pense raro, casi idiota, un hombre/nene. Pero empeze a conversar, a compartir con el. Pasamos tiempo juntos hablando y la conecion se hizo aparente. Ya estaba, desde que primero lo vi. Ojos intensos y tristes, escondido bajo su maquillaje negro, bajo su construcciones de cabello. Y al conocer que me llevaba dos anos - es de mi edad, major que yo - y bailaba con energia, me cambio la mente.

Somos iquales en muchas cosas. Nos encantamos la belleza diaria de la vida. Las locuras de la vida son para chistes y revelaciones. Podemos divertirnos de cualquier manera y no quedarnos al afuera de las cosas, pero no somos personas sociales. Apreciamos lo que tenemos y no somos ambiciosos o envidiamos lo que tienen otros. Nuestras mananas son ocasion de alegria, y las noches son preciosos.

El es un romantico, y me dice las cosas que quiero yo decirle, tal como y cuando yo las pienso. Tiene pasion para la vida y el amor, tanto fisico como emocional. Es timido y rebelde, callado y sin embargo, todos lo conocen, lo ven, lo oyen. No se cree superinteligente; es humilde y carinoso. Su manera de hablar aparenta timidez, pero es mas pensando bien lo que dice.

Quiero exploralo mas. Quiero ver y saber que esto dure. Quiero estar segura que ESTE hombre es con quien me quedare, y que yo sea la que reside en su corazon y en su alma. Ahora mismo, siento como si el es el que me completa. El y yo juntos hacemos una alma. 1+1 no son dos; es uno, unidos, con un corazon y un suspiro entre los dos. Creo que lo amo. Pero es tan intenso al momento; que pasara con el invierno, y los cambios de vida que inicie con terminar con el Capitan? Sobrevivira este amor? Es verdaderamente Amor?

Pido con mi corazon lleno de el Raro que este si es amor que dure para lo que queda de nuestras vidas. Pido que seamos uno al otro lo que nos completa, lo que hemos buscado separado por tantos anos.

Cuando conoci al Capitan, eramos dos solitarios buscando quien nos viera como companeros de amor. Nos reconocimos y nos enamoramos. No he dejado de amarlo; solo que, ya no lo amo como amante. Siento una pesadez emocional al pensar como lo heri; me siento injusta, malevola, sin consciencia. Con el Raro, yo hasta lo evite. Me quede alejada de el; no quise compartir de mi tiempo o conversacion. Supongo que ya era muy tarde; ya mi corazon reconocio su mitad perdida. No pude mentir al Capitan - al mismo tiempo, no puedo ni pude decir que deje de amarlo porque me enamore de otro. Pero no le iba pasar el mal rato que yo pase cuando el Dragon se enamoro de la otra sin aunque sea separarse de mi. No se lo pido a nadie, que se siente como me senti cuando ella lo dejo saber que quedo encinta de el - y el me engano. No se lo voy a hacer al Capitan.

Se que al principio de cualquier amor las emociones son intensas y de major parte temporarias. Espero que no sea tal cosa en esta situacion. Lo quiero. Te quiero, Raro. Te adoro, te amo. Quiero llegar a conocerte mas, y espero que no termine como se siente estar contigo, comodos, alegres, quietos. Si lo hay en el futuro, llevare tu nombre con orgullo y amor. Pido a las fuerzas de la vida que seamos uno y que al final de nuestras vidas quedaremos tu y yo mano en mano.

She's My Addiction - Third Realm
Inject your life in me/Set the vein so silently/Speak the works that make me cry/Say our love will never die//Skip the days to live the nights/Burn the candles, kill the lights/Soul inside reveals the need/shows the world our love will bleed (line 3x)//(chorus) My meaning of life/My dark affliction/She's better than fiction - She's my addiction (2x)//And this addiction cuts like a knife/it loves to watch me bleed(4x)

Last night not only did the dj (you rock, Kiltboy) play hardass industrial (and somehow, even gave me a moshpit to So What... FUCKING A!!!) he also played Afterhours for me (which I 'sang' to Oddity) and some of what Oddity asked him to. It was a great night.. my throat still hurts and let's NOT get into what my body feels like!

Ah, but some of the memories of last night are so very pleasant. They kept me warm last night. I must have looked like a fool last night, flailing about; but it was great.

Songs for the breakup: Deeper Than the Usual Feeling; Angel One; Poison - all Beborn Beton stuff recently acquired. And I kept running into other songs that remind me of Capt A and the night I told him I no longer loved him. Ouch.

Life's Great Adventure... let's see what happens. I'm hopeful and scared.

I miss him. He's still in the same room and I miss him. He was my best friend as well as my lover. I wanted so badly to marry him. And now I miss the closeness.. but I know I was going to cheat on him. It's horrible. I hate emotions.

And he's playing the soundtrack from the movie 'Once'. We saw it together. I thought it was very romantic and sad. It made me want to be closer to him. I guess guys don't think that way. I think I felt disappointed that he didn't take that emotion and feed it into me.

I'm buying that album. It will be the memory of him and I. My ex, Capt. A.

It took a while. But I did it. Last night he rolled over and asked me 'Why don't you like me anymore?'. I said 'I like you well enough; I just don't love you anymore.'

I wanted to retract those words. Perhaps the night before the start of the work week was not the right time. But as it usually is with Capt A, it was the only time I was going to be heard.

I broke the heart of a man that's good and true and loved me. But I won't lead him on, and I'd be lying to myself if I thought I could just hang on a little more. I've completely screwed myself; I've no driving skills, no money, no place to go. I've friends at least and I will never return to NY.

He said, if what it took was to get my wedding ring and marry me tomorrow, he'd do it. He didn't want to lose me. What I had dreamed of, that he would ask me in front of his friends at the Summer Extravaganza to marry me, he said would have happened this year.

But so much changed this year. He asked me if my going out dancing with those guys - Mohawk Guy and Wierd Eyes - had anything to do with it. Only in that I got the attention and the reinforcement of my ego that I had wanted from him.

No matter what happens, Capt A is, was and will always be the best man I've ever been with. No one has ever done what he's done for me. My karmic debt is going to be killer for this. I start paying it today.

For Oddity:
"When people keep repeating/that you'll never fall in love/When everybody keeps retreating/and you can't seem to get enough/Let my Love Open the Door/Let my love open the door/let my love open the door/to your heart
I've got the only key to your heart/I can stop you from falling apart/Try today to find the way/come on and give me the chance to say
Let my love / Let my love (open the door) to your heart. "
Boy, am I in trouble. I feel like a schoolgirl and then I feel awful. Any which way I look at this it's going to be painful before it's good. And I can't get him out of my head. And it feels so good.

There's a song that's spinning in my head, dates back many years, that seems so apropos now. "Oh it's sad to belong to someone else, when the right one comes along.." I don't honestly know if that sentiment will bear out, but it feels correct. Only time will tell.

I am not a patient person. I want things NOW and fuck the consequences. But I'm older and wiser, and I don't want to hurt people beyond the necessary, and I certainly do not want to burn the bridges I've built. Plus, my impulsiveness can lose me what I want as well as what I hold dear; I see my kids doing that and I cannot be that person any more.

Capt A deserves better; he's been a good man to me. I feel as if I've betrayed him - but I will be unhappy should I betray myself. Someone wrote (and I had it on the wall) if I could betray another to be true to myself. I don't know. I don't know what is true to myself, but I know how I am emotionally and I can be viciously selfish and I won't do that.

I love his family. Hs friends are my friends. I didn't realize I wanted more - not more, different. Not even that. It's as if this path lead to somewhere else, and I didn't expect it to, and now I'm in a quandary.

I have to be alone before I make another leap. I have to prove I can stand alone, and not against someone else. This way, I can hurt only myself.

onward.

Mentioned music as key to what's inside. Mentioned the mess I'm making of my life atm - I'm emotional and right now confused - I'm going to hurt people and upset my life.

She's My Addiction by Third Realm was a very interesting segueway into a song I was starting to obsess over by Beborn Beton, from the Fake Album, named Bodypart.

Look at me - I´m still alive/Believe me - I´m one of your kind/I´m waiting for the night to crawl/You´re twisting my mind/If only could make you feel/The fire that consumes me/Leaves me severely satisfied/Let us pretend you're paralysed//I want you//Take my claws - my flesh runs dry/Relieve me - I feed on your spine/You´re done before the night is gone/You´re doing allright//Give me strength and fill my brains/The power I´ve been losing//I need to seperate your heart/Cause it´s my favourite bodypart//I want you//To be my destiny, my doom/I want you/To be the key to my front room/I want you/To be the dagger in my heart/I want you/To mark the point from where we start/I want you/To be my everlasting torch/I want you/To be the rocker on my porch/I want you/To be the crowbar to my door/I want you/That ain´t enough //'cause I want more

now, lyrics to She's My Addiction...when I've listened to it like 50 million times.

Kicked in the head. I swear.

It's a dark, sort of gloomy Monday. I am at an emotional crossroad and it will take time to move through the morass that is my life atm. I'm listening to music that reminds me of Oddity. Temptation has ceased to be such a temptation. Change is imminent, but it must be propelled by positive change and I've never been very good at that on my own. It has to be on my own, for the rest of it to work. I can't depend on anyone else, because when I do, I feel I owe a debt.

I don't like surprises, but change helps a person grow. It's time for a change. I just wish I didn't have to worry about paying bills. I'll go back to listening to more music for the nonce.

I'm over 40 and I'm still finding myself. Sheesh.

I named this blog Ruby Tuesday, after the song by the Rolling Stones. This song is one of my top favorites. The others are: Elstree by The Buggles, Kiss You All Over by Exile, Roxy Roller by Nicky Glider (or Nikki Gilder). A lot changed from the first entry. And things are still changing. Some are self-propelled and some are not.

A blast from my past contacted me and told me he loved me, that he had loved me since we were teens, 2 years apart almost 30 years ago. I had the most overwhelming crush on him and he left to get married and I would have never guessed that he wanted or loved me. He was afraid of my dad he said; he turned away like everyone else when I got punished for nothing. I went through anger and hate and fury and pity and nostalgia and wishfulness. Now, I'm just angry.

I did not like the reality of my youth or teen years. I hated my life then. I started living when I ran away from home at 17. I screwed up alot, but I lived and don't regret even the pain.

I don't want to hear from anyone else from my past, if they come to try to tell me they cared but couldn't do a thing or lift a finger to assist me when I needed it most. I don't need empty platitudes now; I'm good now. go away.

I am obsessed with this song: After Hours by Covenant from one of the Critical Mass compilations. I don't know why. I love the beat, the way the music flows, the voice in the background - and the words. And none of it together make sense.

I have devils on my mind/And the hour's getting late/There's nothing more to have/I'm waiting for the day/The weeks are passing by/I'm thinking of the days/I want to burn myself again/I want to violate you//I want to violate you/I want you to hurt me again/Oh/I'm never gonna waste your time again/Burn your love tonight/Oh/I'm never gonna waste your time again/We can touch the stars tonight

It's sorta wrong but it strikes me. I've played it over 40 times in the last two days. I just want to play with it in my head and it slips out. I need to hear it constantly. I think I may sit with it playing in a loop in the dark to see what comes out.

I heard Melt with You, Don't Come Around Here Again, and Let My Love (Open Your Heart) today and for some reason they melded with the song above and a Beborn Beton song called Poison. It's wierd and I think it could be a good focal point for a story. I'm going to see how I can get all songs playing together. I'll add Hold Me by Colin Hays and.. yes, the new song about the Fairie Music by Coyote Run. I'll have to find some quiet time to play them all...

It's a stormy sunday afternoon. Marvelously magnificent thunder and lightning. We had to deconstruct Capt. A's dragon shelter at his brother's house in the rain. Hard work, but exhilarating. I love warm weather, even when it rains cats and dogs.

Saturday I went walking with my son, his gf, the dog from the house he boards at, and my dog. My dog is 11 years old and did not even break a pant. That dog is a strong 5yrold pit and 1/4 of a mile in was wheezing. Second-hand smokes fucks with more than just the people; it also harms the pets within the house. That poor dog could not handle the marathon walks we take; as it was, we turned around short of our goal, concerned that this animal would die of asthma or a seizure on us.

When I got home, I treated my perfect pet with the best in the house and then went out to mow the lawn unevenly. I had a ball; I imagined that I was in Vietnam and I was one of the ground crew napalming the undergrowth (I was using the electric weedwhacker because the grass was too high for the manual lawn mower). So I have odd fantasies. I wish I had felt this strong earlier in my life so that I could have been a soldier. Then again, I want to do the male soldiering; I do not want to sit behind a desk. C'est la vie.

When Lord Dragon wooed me, he sent me a song: Alien, by Bush. I can't listen to it today without remembering how wonderful that moment was. When Capt. A was getting to know me, he 'gave' me the song You Are My Kind by Santana and Seal from the album Shaman. When wooing me, music is literally the way to get me completely devoted. So recently, Temptation mentioned 'Night Fever' and of course, I am deliriously happy. And.. recently, a new player on the scene and I were speaking about The Cure and I mentioned that I loved the song One More Time by them. And so he put it up as a note where I could see it.

Yes, you have the right idea. For me, music doesn't calm the savage beast, it brings it out. It makes me feel alive, electric, incredible, indomitable and almost violently affectionate. Give me more music.

Today I glanced through a book to help young victims of sexual abuse and incest. The title had captured my attention - When does the hurting stop, or something like that. It needed one more chapter - on religion. More on that later.

I am a victim/survivor of sexual abuse. The abuse started when I was very little, but it never was the same person. It was more like I was extremely available; I'm betting I was so lonely that I did anything to please people, and some people took advantage of that. Because I loved to read fantasy and scifi, I figured out that I must be a succubus - a demon of sex - because no human I knew suffered this. I learned differently at 15. But even past that, I suspected that the reality was that I was a succubus.

It didn't put me off sex; in fact, one of the psychological scars is a sort of nymphomania - this is the reason people like me, so I'll do it alot and enjoy it. Which I do. I joke that I have a male libido. I know what boys (and men) like. I learned early. Scars on scars that shaped a personality. I know what girls like, too - the abuse was not limited to male predators.

I look back at myself, and at pictures of myself, and wonder. Predators like easy prey; I was not so much timid as very beaten, and easily manipulated. I feared loud voices and blame and would never tell on anyone if I had to back it up with proof. I had a lousy memory of events even as a child - but the memories of episodes of abuse are clear. They are vividly marked with shame and confusion and a sense of wanting to belong and wanting to be free of my family life. they shaped the way I communicated, it seems.

Emotion and the brain works together oddly. I won't remember posing for a picture in my little white indian dress, but I remember playing with the scab on my forehead while someone touched me; I distanced myself but knew what was going on.

The reason the book needed a chapter, however small, on religion is this: abusers either are in positions of authority in any given faith, or hide behind the faith to avoid repercussions. In my case, one of the abusers returned constantly to the faith of my parents and claimed his innocence or his contrition and was allowed access to children - including my own. One day, at a religious gathering, his wife spoke of how loving he was to her niece and how his son was a scumbag because he had been accused of fondling a little girl. I walked out shaking, in tears, furious. She carried on about how her niece spends hours with him in his bedroom and with the same breath, cursing his son (who was frankly just another victim of this man). My parents were aghast at my rudeness, and it was all I could do NOT to strangle that stupid bitch who defended this monster. I made it a point to never speak to her again. The religion defended this man, over me; I had to forgive, and this man had access to more children. Needless to say, I have never return to this religion. I hate all organized religion; nary a one has proven to defend a child against sexual abuse, or back a woman in her time of need against an abuser. I was left out in the cold, figuratively. And what kept me warm? That, yes, I was a succubus and I was happy in seducing men (and sometimes women). I embraced it, as a reaction to this horrifying hypocrisy my parents and their faith displayed.

But the scars remain, and in answer to the title of the book, the hurting never ends. You just learn to live with it, past it, and watch carefully how it shapes your thoughts, your personality and your life.

If I were to be immortal, my thought is that it would happen this way: I would age, then fall into a coma, as my body rebuilt itself. It would take a few weeks, in which doctors would be scrambling to find out what is wrong with me. Then they would realize my telomeres are rebuilding, and that my body demands more sustenance. This would come to the attention of the muckitymuks that study strangeness and hold it for government need to know. So when I awoke, basically I'd be in debt to the government. No problem. They would study me; in turn, I would be physically retrained (after all, the body may remember, but muscles still atrophy without use). Then I would try to bargain; I'll work and stay the government's secret in exchange for a tour of duty as a Marine (including boot camp) and schooling in various languages and countries - I would spy for them, me with my dark little self looking more like a servant than a diplomat.

I daydream about this; the chance to relive my life, my way. It's great fodder for all sorts of fantasies I could not even think of living now. And it's a nice escape.

"Last night I had the strangest dream..." Break My Stride, Matthew Wilder

I was working in a deli or something in Brooklyn. Two guys came in to deliver meats; one guy I started horseplaying with and was instantly in lust with him. So much so, that I rode their van back through Brooklyn - it was a passenger van as well as a delivery van(?) and the characters they collected were wild. There was a punker with a varicolored mohawk, a butch gangbanger, motorcycle thugs of both genders, people so different and wierd and outside the mainstream and really really close in portrayal to some of my actual friends. Even as I was cataloging the people, the overriding thought was, I have to fuck this guy. I have to have him.

With this in mind, somehow I got off the van, and realized my mistake. So I start running to beat the van to where it's going. I go to all fours and run, like if I'm a bear or something. I thought it was strange and should have been painful, but it wasn't; it was like if I had turned into a beast. Soon I hit an area that I could take either through a park or through a partially abandoned block entirely surrounded by apartment buildings. I chose the abandoned buildings, but came to a spot where I remember having been through before and gotten messy, and I didn't want to get messy. I wanted to sleep with this guy and creepy crawlies and spider webs weren't part of that equation. So I backed out and found one of the still pristine and lived-in apartment buildings and encountered a dog.. and it seems I was a dog too and it wasn't a problem. Then I turned back to myself and the owner of the dog was confused but didn't seem to connect the two. I went in and through and out the other side. This was a busy commercial street, full of stores and bistros and outdoor vendors and such like. I saw the italian deli the guy worked in and marked it for a return, and realized that the building I came out of was the office of my therapist and I had an appointment today. Okay, but I wanted to explore the street abit.

I went up the street towards a place that sounded like they were playing jazz music, and at the keyboard was a familiar figure. He looked like my ex boyfriend, Lord Dragon - and when he turned around, it was him! I wondered briefly if he would acknowledge me and he called out to me and asked for a hug, which I gladly did, thinking all the while 'I'm in his arms again! I'm touching him again!'. His wife was there, and she and I started talking as the sun set. Then the lights went out - a blackout - and it seemed to be limited to the four blocks of the commercial district. So we went back to their place to hang a bit and talk; I had removed my bra and had mentioned that I needed to put it back on again, but lost it in their laundry (I was helping with laundry). I never found it. I did find that my feelings for my Lord Dragon changed as I hung out there; at one point, he was discussing a deal with another woman and asked her where were the goods, as there would be no contract without the goods. He didn't sound much like I remembered him, but I figured that age and marriage would do that.

And then I realized that I had missed my therapy appointment. And woke up.

Things in this dream bothered me very much; the lust, the turning into an animal, the eagerness to see Lord Dragon. I remember vividly going through the 'malesa' - the overgrowth and the spiderwebs and the abandoned buildings abutting the solid good buildings full of people and thriving business. I remember vividly the setting sun and the way the street went golden, then umber, and the sudden extermination of the lights during the blackout. I remember running and crouching to run on all fours, thinking, this should hurt and slow me down, but it is not - I'm fast. I vividly remember the lust for the guy I was horseplaying with. I remember the horseplay was rather violent, too.

If I were to analyze my dream based on my current situation, I'd say that the whole lust thing is quite in keeping with what's going on with Temptation and my Capt A and the new Oddities beseiging my libido. The animal part would seem to indicate that either I think it's an animal thing, or it is a primal base desire manifesting. The lust, that is.

The whole Lord Dragon thing? He's about the same body type and size as Temptation, so I suppose I was referring the past and the present desire. Going through the 'malesa' and remembering doing it before would mean that I've been in this mess before and I should learn from it - and considering I did NOT continue the pursuit, I'm sure I was telling myself to turn off.

That's it for now. Meanwhile, I'm feeling, like I'm several people.